If you've ever been phased out/ghosted by a friend, this way please...

[BarnetTroubles]

Because it's happened to me and it f**ing hurts.

I don't even know if I have a right to be upset - angry even, because if someone has decided to cut you out, it's their choice and I guess that's the bottom line.

However, when nothing has happened, when you're told time and time again that it's not you, it's them...they're just shit at keeping in touch, but you start to slowly but surely realise that it really is you, it's so hurtful.

I was wondering the other day, would I be less hurt if she just turned around and said, 'yep, sorry I'm just not feeling this friendship anymore' ? Probably not, but I guess it would officially draw a line under it and there wouldn't be this niggling feeling of 'maybe I'm wrong and she really is just really busy'.

Thing is, I really do know. She's made a conscious decision to end our friendship, but didn't want to tell me outright, understandably I guess.

Friendships fizzle and that's life, but when you got on so well and you don't feel like either of you have really changed, it's difficult to accept and move on, even though of course you have to.

Can anyone relate? Sucks doesn't it?

These posts are so sad to read 🙁

A very close friend did this to me middle of first lockdown. Think it was because she was mad I met another friend for lunch. Not heard from her since. I'm chalking it down to her insecurities and am actually ok about it now.

I've been the ghoster and I believe in some situations it has merit or is at least forgiveable,

My experience is that many years ago I got clean from alcoholism and drug addiction and after a few months being clean, realised that I would have to end two friendships. I still loved these people but we were 'partners in crime' as far as getting wasted was concerned. Without drink / drugs (on my part), the relationships were not as good as they had been.

I decided to deal with them one at a time and the first friend I tried to be honest with, took them out for lunch, explained why I was ending the friendship. Very bad reaction, they told me I'd never last being clean, that 12 step fellowships are a cult and that I was making a huge mistake going for abstinence.

I knew the second friend would be similar if not worse so I let the friendship trail and eventually stopped answering their texts and calls.

they didn't try to keep contacting me for very long, I think they also knew that we did not have the same connection when one of us was sober.

I know that ghosting them was wrong but at the time I had to put my sobriety first as I was in poor health and at risk of losing my home and my job when I made the decision to get clean. My fear was that having a similar negative experience with the second friend might trigger me to use and drink. I simply couldn't risk it.

In my opinion, most times when you get ghosted, it's because the other person has major stuff going on in their lives that you're not even aware of.

In my opinion, most times when you get ghosted, it's because the other person has major stuff going on in their lives that you're not even aware of

yep…i think this can be the case

I can't relate to much of this thread, because I don't have very fixed expectations of people.

I had a hard time last year - a really hard time. One of my closest friends was really worried about me, but her support was very aggravating to the situation, so I needed to cool the relationship. Another friend - one who'd let me down in the past, happened to be the best person for me in that moment. Her support meant so much to me.

I have another friend who I'm not close with but she lives near my parents and we drift in and out of each others lives in an agreeable way. I'm actually moving near her in a year, so we might become much closer.

I don't believe in fixing relationships down like this. I don't need to break up with old friends - sometimes things can drift, and that's just as valid as wanting definitions and closure.

Happened to me with a friend of 25 years. Whenever I ask about it she says it's her, not me then we talk for a few days then it slowly goes back to her ignoring my messages. I've not been in touch with her for about 6 months after she ignored my last 2 messages and when she inevitably does, I'm going to ignore her. I never want to talk to her again.

I used to have two mum friends-my dd and their ds’s where besties

anyway,we’d hang out and over the course of 18 months they became more and more controlling-over money,my home,my kids-every part of my life-i babysat,I had one child while mum was in labour,I spent money and time doing stuff for them-they took full advantage and never helped me at all

id just come out of the other side of dv and was very vulnerable and let a lot slide

it was my dd’s 5th birthday and their kids where invited-they where a no show-I was out for not being a ‘good girl’ and doing everything they wanted me to do

the lies they spread and they both stopped their kids from being friends with mine,blocked me on sm-no explanation at all

i ignored it all and started putting my life back together-I enrolled at college and got a job etc-they didn’t like this and ramped it up

long story later we ended up moving away and I forgot about them-until last year when my ds’s ex accused him of dv-we went to hell and back trying to sort it out-it all came out in the wash that she’d lied to get back at him for dumping her

he put a status up on fb and I commented saying something about ‘ah,the great kangaroo court-guilty until proven innocent and mud bloody sticks-what the ignorant don’t know,they make up’

the ringleader to the women who ghosted me put up a comment saying that she was sorry about the lies she’d told and hoped I was well-she didn’t wish me any ill and was glad I’m happy with my (now) dp (so she’d been stalking me online)

im petty-I blocked her-she will never know the stress she put me under-I lost most of my hair due to stress and nearly had a breakdown

the other one (who’s a lot dimmer) still doesn’t see she did anything wrong and still slags me off (ten years on) if my name drops up-I tell myself that she married a man she didn’t love for his money (she freely admitted this) and she will never work again (and all that comes with that),struggles at home with her kids and is deeply unhappy with her life

This happened to me, then she tried to get back in touch and I ignored her. Then she put a passive aggressive status on fb. Oh well.

I noticed too in hindsight that previous friends who had form for dumping friends as soon as situations change ( kids move school for example) or because someone slights them always get around to doing the same with you.

My ghoster took a call in front of me from a school friend. She put the phone down and said 'now ds has moved school I can't be arsed with them anymore' told me she hated her mil and cut her out of her life because she wanted hold the pfb when she home from hospital, hated her sil as she wore heels and repeatedly told me heels are sluty. Looking back I chose to ignore a lots of ugly traits in her personality.

What is the alternative to ghosting. I have a friendship I want to end but don't want to ghost

Yes OP same here - oldest best friend from childhood, been friends almost 40 years - recently just cut me off, no explanation, no reason. It hurts, and makes me sad and angry. But i will move on, lonelier but ok.

I ghosted a previously close friend because, like another poster said about her friendship that ended, I realised one day that she was treating me very badly. Putting me down, insulting me then saying it was “just a joke”, being competitive with me all the time, and clearly very jealous of me. I don’t think she was jealous of me because I’m utterly fabulous, but because she was unhappy in her life, her relationship, her job, etc, and I wasn’t.

Someone further upthread asked someone who had ghosted a friend
“Why didn’t you just tell her you felt she was treating you badly?”

For me, I no longer valued the friendship. That conversation would have happened if I had wanted to salvage our friendship, but I didn’t. I was done. I didn’t feel I owed her anything, not even an explanation. It was a very good decision.

@takemetomars it's a good question tbf. Can I ask what your reason is? Anything big happened or changed or are you just not feeling the friendship?

It does suck but unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do. Dynamics change, people change and sometimes you just won't be in tune any more. It probably does have some reason/roots. Maybe they're just stepping back a little for whatever reason and want to recalibrate the friendship so you're in touch a bit less than you have been?

I'm in the process of stepping back a bit from a friendship as the other person usually just wants to talk about how bad they feel about themselves, despite knowing that there's a lot going on with my family right now and me telling them that that's my focus at the moment (i.e. the very recent death of a beloved parent). I don't have the capacity of taking on the extra drama of actually saying this to them - i.e. that they're being a self-centred drain on my very limited emotional resources.

Maybe it's worth considering if your interactions with your friend have been positive and fun lately - to me that's a big issue in friendships, if someone just uses me to moan at and doesn't take my life and circumstances into consideration.

I did this to an ex friend. Gradually stopped seeing her and texting over a few months period then just removed her all together as she had spent years being a huge negative drain on me and it was just too much for me. I suspect it hurt and she has questions too but I done the rite thing by me as it was never ending and she was just taking all the happiness rite out me . Maybe that makes me evil but sometimes you’ve got to look out for you first

These are my experiences:

The assertive one; I recently ended a very long friendship by letter because it had become very one-sided, although in hindsight it had always been skewed in favour of her. I tried to even up the situation but she wasn't having it. However I wanted to let her know why I was withdrawing from the friendship rather than just disappear, so sent her a short, polite letter stating why I felt taken for granted. Never received a response so assume she wasn't that bothered!

The passive aggressive one:
On the flip side I was cut off by my SIL when I was going through my divorce and was finally making the break from my awful mother. No idea why and I was more upset that my brother threw me under the bus when I and my daughter really needed him. Turns out years later that it was my mother's manipulation that caused the cut off and they tried to reconcile with me during lockdown when they too went NC with my mother. Too late for me as I'm not prepared to support their isolation when they let me get on with mine alone.

The aggressive one:
At the same time as this was going on I abruptly left my school mum's group. The bullying, excluding and humiliation that was going on towards me became unbearable when I was going through such personal turmoil. My ex-husband led the manipulation that led to them announcing they were on 'his side'. I was sad and angry at their behaviour and was pointing out the bullying but they were huddled together and didn't care. I didn't feel I owed them any explanation when I left (it was bloody obvious!) although one if them tried to reconnect years later like nothing had happened!

Personally I would prefer the assertive approach but I suppose it depends on the people concerned.

I had this. Got ghosted by my best friend of 20 years, I was her bridesmaid etc. Ghosted me when I was nursing my partner through a life-threatening illness. Fast forward a couple of years and I was having a bad day and had confided in a mutual friend who well-meaningly but really annoyingly took it upon herself to get in touch with the ghoster without telling me, thinking it might be a way to reconcile us. As soon as I read the text I deleted and blocked! Mutual friend told me afterwards that ghoster really regrets cutting me off. Tough.

It started as a colleague friendship and then I was her manager. She is an incredibly manipulative person with very little insight; her husband is very unhappy, she has 4 children, 3 of them have behavioural issues stemming from the way she parents and her eldest has just gone no contact. None of this is anything to do with her apparently. I simply don't like her

Yes, a good friend from secondary school. We hung out a lot as teens and early 20s.

I am philosophical about it now. It was painful for a year or two, but for whatever reason she doesn't want to be friends and that's her choice.

Perhaps I unknowingly pissed her off, or there was something else going on that I didn't know about. I'm not burning with curiosity to know the answer, it was a long time ago now and life moves on for everyone.

No your not evil . I had to cut off a friend it was apparent that I was her yardstick who she compared herself with . She admitted she had a life plan and had one for me too . Unfortunately for her my life plan worked out better than she expected. She thought the world owed her . She actually tried to de rail my happiness. So I cut off and then got accused of holding a grudge. No it was her behaviour that was the problem not me . I haven't seen her since the late eighties. I genuinely wish her well but never want to see her again.

I would be very careful of people that get very friendly too quickly. They want something. I have been used by people then ghosted in the past . Also listen to your gut instincts. I I had done it would have saved me a lot of stress and hassle .

It happened to me too - and not just one friend, but my whole group of friends. Someone told a lie about me that spiraled and that was that - 12 years of the closest of friendships gone.

I know how you feel. It hurts, and that's OK. It's taken me long time to get past it and sometimes it still upsets me.

What helped me (aside from therapy!) is thinking about their behaviour quite dispassionately - I can see that the person who told the lie was more 'valuable' to them than me. What can you see about your friend that would explain it? I needed that to make peace with it.

Unfortunately the first account given is the one that's believed. If your friends didn't buy they to get your side of the story then it's in them . It always amazes me how some people are automatically believed over others .

Purple poses

Sorry I meant if they didn't try and get your side of the story then it's on them .

Not so much ghosted but gaslit about 15 years ago.

We'd been good friends for about 8 years-(met at the school gate) I introduced her to my friendship group, invited her to nights out, dinner etc etc as she told me she was so lonely, got upset if she wasn't invited to something blah, blah blah

Eventually it dawned on me that she was making arrangements with my friends without me, lying as to why I wasn't there, lying to me as to how these were all 'last minute plans' , 'just bumped into people' but apparently I was still her closest friend.

The final straw came when she had a go at me for meeting another really good friend without her, in front of this friend who was incredibly embarrassed. I totally distanced myself at this point although don't think she was too bothered as the damage had been done.

I learned about 6 months later that she had been telling outright lies about me to an awful lot of people. She did a similar number to someone else after me.

Took me a few good years to get over this.

Phew! That was cathartic.