If you've ever been phased out/ghosted by a friend, this way please...

[BarnetTroubles]

Because it's happened to me and it f**ing hurts.

I don't even know if I have a right to be upset - angry even, because if someone has decided to cut you out, it's their choice and I guess that's the bottom line.

However, when nothing has happened, when you're told time and time again that it's not you, it's them...they're just shit at keeping in touch, but you start to slowly but surely realise that it really is you, it's so hurtful.

I was wondering the other day, would I be less hurt if she just turned around and said, 'yep, sorry I'm just not feeling this friendship anymore' ? Probably not, but I guess it would officially draw a line under it and there wouldn't be this niggling feeling of 'maybe I'm wrong and she really is just really busy'.

Thing is, I really do know. She's made a conscious decision to end our friendship, but didn't want to tell me outright, understandably I guess.

Friendships fizzle and that's life, but when you got on so well and you don't feel like either of you have really changed, it's difficult to accept and move on, even though of course you have to.

Can anyone relate? Sucks doesn't it?

It's always better. It will hurt of course but it's always better to tell someone than not.

I have former friends that I'm not in touch with now. I didn't ghost them – just decided it was their turn to make an effort for once – and they never did. I'd be very receptive (and have been) if they got in touch.

A 30 year old friendship ended with her ghosting me. Very painful.
We had been through a lot together, including supporting each other through family issues, deaths, divorce, etc, political activism, spiritual practices, and at one point lived very close to each other.
I don't think she quite forgave me for moving further away for starters but we agreed we would have an occasional night out and then she was always too busy at work and with family.
It didn’t change after retirement and after a while, I stopped ringing her.(she never rang me)
If she rang me up now, I think I would politely decline to re engage.

I kind of did this, had a friend for 25 years, but in the last 10 or so it seemed I did all the running. Every time we met the conversation was about her latest girlfriend and it became extremely waring . I discovered from FB about a life changing event that had happened to her (good, the sort most people would tell their BFF in person) and she hadn't mentioned it to me the week before. I removed her from my Facebook but didn't block her, she could have phoned at any time. She didn't. 🤷‍♀️

Recently happened to me. Mum friend. Girls fell out and hers made some
Lies up about mine and the school resolved it. She couldn't accept hers lied but I was willing to move on and forget. Girls are still friends now but she won't acknowledge me. I've tried. Said hi on the school run, acknowledgments on social media etc and she turns her back on me. Thing is she has form. When we were friends she'd cut other friends out so I know it's my turn now. I can't keep doing it and looking like a fool by trying. Problem is I have to see her every day at school. It's horrible.

My best friend from university did this. I love her so much and don't know what I did wrong really. After my mum died she just gradually retreated. I still wrestle over whether to send her a birthday card every year or not. So far I have, but next time I think I'll stop as she probably thinks I'm some crazy stalker now.

The rational part of my brain says she wasn't the right friend for me, clearly, but the other bit blames myself. I have no idea.

Yep, left an employer because of horrendous bullying by a complete sociopath. One colleague was effusive about staying in touch- and ghosted me within months. Others told me she’d become best mates with the bully.

She has just sent me a follow request on Instagram actually- hahaha.

I ended a 40 year friendship. I could say it was because I'd changed, but it was because I'd decided at that point in my life that I wouldn't tolerate her behaviour and attitude anymore. So the issue was fundamentally her, not me.

It’s cowardly no two ways about it.

@Navigatingnewwaters so how do I say it?

I don’t want to be friends with you because I don’t like you? Do I list all the things about her I don’t like?

If it’s a good enough reason to end a friendship then yes.

@AbsolutelyNotEver Yes you're quite right, wise words. I hadn't considered that she may never feel upset if she knows the door is always open and perhaps it needs to be closed for the sake of my mental health. I'm so sorry you went through the same thing with your sister but it sounds like you're a very resilient person and I hope this leads to a brighter future for you.

@Navigatingnewwaters well I think that’s cruel.

its not that I’m uncomfortable saying it. But I honestly can’t see how it’s helpful and is not cruel to tell her all the things I dislike about her.

it’s just my opinion. Other people might not dislike her for those things.

Yes it's happened to me with a couple of friends in the past few years. First thing I knew was when they defriended my on social. If there's an issue why not be a grown up and face it head on?

@Navigatingnewwaters i didn’t ghost her. I did tell her that as a result of a specific thing that she’d done I didn’t want to continue the friendship.

but that specific thing really was just one of many reasons.

So if you didn’t ghost why and said it outright why do you think it’s cruel to say it outright?? Ghosting is cruelest as you never know what you did and what you could’ve done to fix it (unless you just hate your friends intrinsic personality)

Ghosting is so cruel, I don't know why anyone would think it was okay in a "friend" situation. You wouldn't ghost someone to end a 20 year marriage, why would you do it for a 20 year friendship. Why not discuss what the problems are and give that person a chance to rectify things?

There’s never not a reason though is there? I’ve had it done to me and although I never understood why and frankly felt it was all on her I was still mature enough to see she may see things from a different point of view that is also valid?
Also similarly the parents that have little contact from your adult children, you may think you’ve done nothing but it may just be they’ve grown up and seen controlling behaviour suddenly that has always been there and cannot cope with it. To you nothings changed but to them it can be a light dawning.

Yes, there's nearly always a reason, but also I feel people can be 'socially lazy', if that's a term! For instance, my dd is in her early 20's now, and throughout her secondary school years she had a friend who was often at our house, used to chat away to me & dh too. Myself & her mum became friends also.

Since the girls left school, this girl hardly ever contacts dd, dd has to do all the running. And the same with her mum, she just never bothers to get in touch. I bumped into them in town recently. We all said hello, then they just stood there. I asked how they were, their answer, a polite 'Fine thank you'. To think we all used to laugh and joke together not that long ago! The mum then commented on the weather, I mentioned somewhere dh & I were going later. They both said 'Oh nice, have a lovely time' and said goodbye.

They just seem so stilted now, and unwilling to talk about anything but 'nice weather/aren't the queues long' sort of thing.

I haven't texted the mum for a few years now as she wasn't making the effort, and dd is thinking of stopping with the daughter now too, as she's finding the same. It's sad though. We were close, and thought our families would be lifelong friends, but it's as if they feel our friendship has 'served its purpose' now the school years are over. 🙁

There's been.no fall-out or anything, they've just stopped bothering! Very hurtful. 🤔

There's always a reason. I am pretty sure I know the reason in my case but I would quite like the other person to be an adult and communicate this. As it stands they've conveniently left themselves a door open to come back into my life when they see fit. Problem is I'm the sort that if you ghost me I'll leave you hanging around in the graveyard with the other ghosts and ghouls and walk away.

This happened to me. Friend of more than 30 years. Secondary school, uni, first boyfriends, so much shared history.

I don’t know what I’ve done.

She is (literally) in my dreams quite frequently. It’s four years now but it’s like my sub conscious is still trying to make sense of her absence. It’s sad.

This rings so true with me too. I'm constantly trying to work out what I did wrong, or what's wrong with me.

I actually ghosted a very close school friend a few years ago, we'd been friends over 20 years, even grew up on the same street.
She asked me to be her baby's godmother when she was pregnant, I couldn't attend her baby shower as I'd just suffered a pregnancy loss and was still quite ill, messaged her to say so & she got her husband to message back quite an abrupt rude message about letting her down when id been given the honour of being godmother etc.
I didn't bite back, was quite amicable in my response, went to see her after baby was born and she & her mother were downright rude, not just to me but to my 5 yo DD and especially my DH.
Again, I didn't react but I've never spoken to her since and have absolutely no intention of ever doing so.
I could've tried to resolve it but tbh I just didn't want to, I'd always hold resentment towards her so what would've been the point in trying to fix something that couldn't be fixed.

Not saying everyone who's been ghosted has done anything wrong of course but sometimes there are reasons.

I will never get close to another woman as friends again - I keep them at arms length, having been let down so many times.

Two of my closest friends, didn't so much as phone me when they found out I was getting divorced.

Another friend attacked me on a night out, because a man she fancied spoke to me.

Another alcoholic friend accused me of having a fling with her morbidly obese ex-husband, simply because I agreed with him, that she should allow their daughter to go with him because she was so drunk she couldn't stand.

And the worst one - my very best friend ghosted me, when I was leaving my ExH, and this was because she was shagging him before I had even left.

I also have a sister who is as mad as a box of frogs, she frequently lies about me and has also cornered and screamed at me so badly that I had a panic attack which put me in hospital.

The only woman I trust is my daughter. My Mum was lovely, but has passed away.

Sadly, the only people I trust now, are my adult children, my DH and my elderly Dad.