If you've ever been phased out/ghosted by a friend, this way please...

[BarnetTroubles]

Because it's happened to me and it f**ing hurts.

I don't even know if I have a right to be upset - angry even, because if someone has decided to cut you out, it's their choice and I guess that's the bottom line.

However, when nothing has happened, when you're told time and time again that it's not you, it's them...they're just shit at keeping in touch, but you start to slowly but surely realise that it really is you, it's so hurtful.

I was wondering the other day, would I be less hurt if she just turned around and said, 'yep, sorry I'm just not feeling this friendship anymore' ? Probably not, but I guess it would officially draw a line under it and there wouldn't be this niggling feeling of 'maybe I'm wrong and she really is just really busy'.

Thing is, I really do know. She's made a conscious decision to end our friendship, but didn't want to tell me outright, understandably I guess.

Friendships fizzle and that's life, but when you got on so well and you don't feel like either of you have really changed, it's difficult to accept and move on, even though of course you have to.

Can anyone relate? Sucks doesn't it?

I get this 💯. Same happened to me and it cuts like a knife. I felt her pulling away but wondered if I was being paranoid. I sent a text asking if she fancied meeting up for a cuppa and catchup. She replied saying she didn't think she'd ever feel like it and was 'struggling with old connections that had faded away' 😦 we had been friends for 20 plus years. Admittedly not as close as we once were, but we had been in fairly regular contact. I just replied saying I would respect how she feels but always here if she changes her mind. I guess I'll never hear from her again.
It's incredibly hurtful and involves feelings of grief and the 'letting go' of a friendship you've had for years. Also mixed up with anger at the fact that they could treat you this way. Friendships aren't always for life, it's a sad fact.

It happened to me in lockdown. A couple I used to visit, one of which I'd known for nearly 40 years. One [or both, not sure] took an instant dislike to one of my closest friends [call her K] upon meeting them once! K was nothing but polite to them, because I was there the whole time, K enjoyed meeting them. After that If I ever then mentioned her there would be stony silence and I learned not to.

Just couldn't understand it. K had done nothing, is a very good friend to me, we are both single, live on our own. I'd always take something to the couple when I visited, flowers, strawberries, tin of biscuits, fancy cake....and saw them about every 6-8 weeks or so. I always thought we were all fine with it all, I enjoyed seeing them and thought it was mutual.

In lockdown the 'friend' I'd known 40 years would phone up now and then. I told her in the last convo that K has been my contact as she lives a 10 minute walk away from me and that K was struggling with isolation. Old 'friend' said if I continued to see K she - 'would lose respect for me - have you got that' Then repeated it, saying ...'did you hear me?'.

I was stunned, her dislike was just uncalled for. Since then no phone call. Solid silence. No birthday or Christmas cards either. I won't phone her. I will not give up a real friend who has supported me for 22 years because someone tells me to! Since then their property was on the market for about 9-10 months, then sold and now they must have gone, moved away...all without telling me. I don't know, I don't care...now.

My god it hurt. All so juvenile. I invested so much into the 'friendship' and enjoyed their company and can't understand the attack on someone innocent...who incidentally lost her mother a week after the nasty phone call so K has been my absolute priority since.

I was upset for months, angry and it bothered me a lot. After about 18 months I couldn't care less. I'm over it and don't want to know now. But I've remembered how they both used to talk about a couple they knew behind their backs, had fallen out with one or two people they knew and when 2 people they knew were unwell with no hope of getting better I noticed they slowly distanced themselves and stopped talking about them.

Sorry for the long post but it's been helpful for me to write this out....don't blame you if you don't get through it/or even start it!

Recently reconnected with an old school friend by email. She found me and got in touch. I was delighted to hear from her. We shared our memories from school and told one another what we were doing now. It was so lovely to read and evoked memories I had long forgotten about. I looked forward to the emails which by now were becoming slightly odd in that she felt the need to tell me how much better she was at school than I and when I remembered something from the past she knew more than I did. I got the impression that I never really knew her at all and she did not even like me or was jealous but of what I am clueless.
Some things are best left alone

@IndiGlowie

Absolutely, but it took a while to see that. I just wondered what I'd done wrong. And no-one even asked whether it was true, they just instantly cut me off.

Karma is a bitch though - apparently the liar has dumped them all for a spurious reason and really upset the queen bee who was behind my total ghosting. That made me laugh!

Its all just so childish. I'm wary now but making new friends.

Yes this happened with my best friend of 37 years so since we were 4. It hurt like hell at the time but looking back I wanted to distance myself as she was getting extreme in her views and very angry and negative but I didn't want to abandon her. She then became a complete conspiracy theorist and ghosted me through the last lockdown and in the run up to my wedding when she knew I was having a lot of anxiety so I knew it was the end. She was still my bridesmaid and I thought we'd moved on then she started again. It's horrible. I just don't know what I did to deserve it.

This for me. I am having a lot of dreams about two friends I have lost touch with in the past 2-3 years, and in the dreams we’re always just doing the usual things we always did, going out for lunches to catch up, or drinks and dinner. It’s taking me a bit of time to process losing them.

I had a dream about mine the other night. I can't remember what happened but it was weird as I feel like I'm thinking about her less. After almost 40 years of friendship though it's difficult and I just have to keep telling myself she's not the same person as she was.

I’m having this dilemma at the moment, I am trying to gently step away from a friend I met when out DC’s were babies. They are now 5 and don’t really get on but aside from that I find her a complete energy drain. She is a type-a person and is competitive about every aspect of life but I don’t think she even realises it. When I’m
with her I feel like all the positive energy is being sucked out of me. If I point out to her the reasons I don’t want to spend anytime with her then I am fundamentally criticising her personality and that seems to be a unreasonable thing to do. She has actually always been like this but I put up with it for the sake of keeping the peace but I’ve just had enough.

On the other hand my attempts at stepping away are not working, she is like the terminator she just won’t stop trying to hang out and messages me constantly no matter what excuses I come up with. I don’t want to have to spell out for her why I don’t like her, but she is only interested in having her own needs met.

I’ve been the ghoster and while I wish I had been brave enough to be more direct, I don’t regret it.

My friend was someone who needed a sidekick to compare herself to and feel better.
When I stood up for myself I was insulted, laughed at and gaslit.

When I distanced myself I would get sob stories about how sad and lonely she was and I was her only friend and guilted into keeping the friendship up.

Ghosting was the only way to get away from someone who was incredibly toxic and would never have admitted they were a bully.

Both been ghosted and done the ghosting. One of the people who ghosted me was making massive digs on her status when I contacted her which didn’t make sense bc I was cheerful friendly and generous. I made sure of that.

A few others drifted. One group was lovely but tended to ignore any message I put each time so eventually I got the hint and went.

Yes it really sucks. Had this once years ago and I'm still really sad about it.

I have another friend and we used to meet up every week. But she got a bf and gone back to full time work so any spare time is spent with another friend so although not ghosted I only get to see her once every few weeks while she is going out for drinks, meals and shopping with the other friend. I ask if she wants to do those things with me but we never do 😨

I go through phases of feeling really lonely. I wish I could make more friends. I have young kids so in theory I shouldn't feel lonely.

This is why I prefer casual non intense friendships, there is no room to "ghost".

I have learnt well from my younger days (mid 40's now) I have been let down badly in my 20s and early 30s. Dropped at the drop of a hat for the cooler mean girls type.

Whenever I see a very intense female friendship I always look from a far and think well that won't last something will happen and it always does.

I’ve had a few close female friendships when no word of a lie, when they got back with or started a new relationship I was ghosted or relegated to second best.

The classic one was best friend invited me on holiday with her mum and dad and young DD, I’d paid the deposit and was looking forward to going. After best friend’s birthday but before summer when the holiday was friend emailed me to say she’s back with her partner (fine) and he’s asked if can he come along rather than me? I went nuclear and asked why didn’t she tell me in person? “Because I knew you’d be angry with me” was her response. I made her transfer my deposit to my bank account and she then rang me to say she’d spoken to her partner and I could come not him. I told her to F off, friendship over. She has form for doing this I found out afterwards.

I can relate: I got ghosted before my wedding by my former best friend of 10 years who I invited to be a bridesmaid and part of my hen do. I’d just moved countries and found the love of my life. At first she pulled out of the hen do saying ‘it looks like the wedding is getting serious!’ Whatever THAT means 🤨 (I’d never been married before or engaged). And after that I started wondering whether she was going to show for the wedding itself. I had to chase her repeatedly for her reply to the written RSVP invitation, which she never actually replied to. She ended up just ignoring all my messages and to this day I have no idea what caused this. But it was very hurtful and cowardly in my opinion, I don’t respect ghosters. At least tell the person why you are pulling away before you do!

Honestly the truth is a great start, just tell her you don’t have much in common with her and you’re not feeling the friendship anymore. Then if she gets nasty, block. At least she’d know why.

@Siestamama sorry that happened to you. I had similar only the bitch still was my bm ans re-ghosted me after the wedding so now I have her in my wedding pictures 😣

Oh god that’s way worse 🙈

I’ve had this a couple of times.

The first was a more casual friend who moved to another country. We kept in touch for a while then she sent me a message to say that it was basically too much effort to keep in touch and she looks forward to reconnecting with me once back in the UK. At the time I thought her a bit weird but now I have a lot of respect for the way she did it. I wasn’t left feeling sad or confused.

The second was a much closer friend. We’d met at university, she’d moved into my shared house when we started working and became part of my then boyfriend (now husband)’s friendship group (including coming on group holidays). She moved to another country but we kept in touch (I would ring her). Since then we’ve both had children, our fathers have died, our mums have had cancer and she’s disappeared. I’ve sent her a bunch of messages (she suggested using WhatsApp) but hasn’t replied since 2020. So I’ve given up.

The thing is, she was always someone who wasn’t super reliable about communication (but was fun when you saw her). I suspect that I no longer have much to offer her. It does my head in a bit when people say “Oh, how’s X? You really should make the effort to get back in touch with her!” because I really have … to the point where I think sending her any more messages might actually be a bit rude.

I woke up, as usual, thinking about my best friend who cut himself out of my life six years ago. I do know why he had to do it, but I really do miss him. We were about to go into business together too, so I lost that as well.

I really resonate with some of these posts, and feel sorry for everyone it's happened to. 💕

My examples are as follows, and the hurtful thing is, all 3 live in the same village as me, within walking distance!

1. Someone I became friends with over many years at school gate (2 children each, similar ages, all 4 children now in early 20's). The last time she suggested meeting up was about 6 years ago. 🤔 Since then, I've made contact 2 or 3 times a year, suggesting the odd coffee catch-up or walk, and they've happened but she's normally arrived late/had to cut it short for some reason and it's felt a bit lacklustre. For the last year, I've just left it, we've bumped into each other a few times but she hasn't had much to say, and never suggested meeting properly. 🤔

The other 2, one I've known 30 years plus (since college days) and whereas contact used to be about 50/50 she now NEVER contacts me first, responds if I do and says she's been 'meaning to text me' but never does. Similar to the 3rd example, we were close friends when our children attended the same school & then college. If we bump into each other she'll suggest meeting up, but doesn't text with dates, and if I do she just doesn't reply, or replies apologising weeks later, but STILL says nothing definite.

I've stopped now, and trying to focus on newer acquaintances/friends. I wonder if it's because I'm fairly quiet, (sociable though)! It's hurtful, not knowing why.

Happened to me a few years back, I posted a thread the other day about it on AIBU about an ex friend trying to worm her way back into my social circle. I won't repeat it all here, but after 6 years of feeling terribly hurt, my reaction when seeing her again has been absolute fury. Partly cos she still hasn't contacted me but contacted mutual friends and effectively invited herself or at least got a friend to invite her along to things, and also because I spent a lot of time convincing myself I'd be better without her and reminding myself of her flaws. It's at the point where I forgot why we were friends at all cos in my head she is painted as the bad guy.

I've lost many friends over the years, mostly through gaps in geography or lifestyle and that's normal but I've always been the one who tried harder and that bothered me for a long time. This was the first time a good long term friend intentionally dumped me (I don't know why) and it made me question all those others along the way. I feel terribly used.

It's so hurtful isn't it, toadasoda. 🤔

And to the poster who mentioned the awkwardness of other people commenting on why you no longer see someone, I've had that too!

Just recently a friend I see regularly, asked if I still hear from the friend I made through our children's school. I had to admit I don't, and said I've tried to keep in touch over the years but she doesn't seem interested. She replied 'Oh what a shame, you two were ALWAYS together'! Yes, we were, and I assumed our friendship extended beyond just having children at the same school, but obviously I was wrong!

The other friend I mentioned, who I've known for 30 years + but no longer bothers to contact me, I only found out on Facebook some major news (v good news for their family). Not so long ago she'd have texted me with that news (or suggested meeting up and telling me), but she didn't). I bumped into her a few months later and said 'Congratulations, I didn't know!' She replied 'Oh, did I not tell you?!'

NO, she didn't and she must know this, surely! It's so hurtful when long-term 'friends' suddenly cut you off and make you feel so 'disposable', I suppose. 🙁