Is my mother right about potty training?

[PeterRabbitagain]

My son is 2.2 and we are planning to potty train soon. We were going to do it over summer but I was on crutches so we postponed. My mother has had a go at me saying it's pathetic that I couldn't do it already and that he's getting too old to not be potty trained.

Aside from my mothers unkindness which I'm used to, is she correct about his age? I was under the impression that between 2-3 is normal but my mother said that was wrong.

My daughter is 2 years 4 months, and is showing signs of being ready - getting upset or telling us when she’s peed in her nappy, wanting to have a sit on the potty or toilet (we have one of those family toilet seats with the little toddler seat attached), but doesn’t tell us when she WANTS to go, and hasn’t actually done anything when we’ve put her on the loo for a try. I know it’s consistency, so we try every day, but I don’t think she’s quite connecting the dots in what she’s meant to be doing on there.
She’s not in nursery or anything at the moment, so we have time to get there. I’m not worried about her at all, as she’s doing perfectly with all of her milestones, and the health visitor on her 2 year check said any time from 2-3 was normal for toilet training.
I wouldn’t worry about snarky comments from other people, even if that person is your mum. The way some people talk, their kids were prodigies who never cried, slept through from birth, and were out of nappies the first day on the potty. Guaranteed their memories are decidedly rose-tinted.

@RedWingBoots thanks. I would say I am fairly low-contact with her. She lives a couple of hours away and we see her I'd say 3 times a year. We never stay over or anything. I can't stand being round there myself and it's clear she doesn't really enjoy seeing me but she obviously has expectations of what dutiful daughters are supposed to do and wants her friends to know she's seen her grandchild.

And since having dc we call or FaceTime once every 3-4 weeks for the benefit of child / grandparent relations which is when this nappy conversation happened. She never asks about me or is interested in seeing me - only her grandchild, but her hobby is criticising my life choices.

My eldest was born in 1971, disposable nappiers were awful. You had plastic pants with a sort of pocket at the front and back and you put a pad in, a bit like a giant sanitary towel. I didn't know anyone who used them fulltime, generally just for ease on a journey or something.

I think the world of disposable nappies changed drastically during the 70s.

My health visitor said there is a saying that goes start at 2, finish at 3, start at 3, finish at 3.

Obviously individuals vary within that.

My MIL told me how when hers were little, they had a swing/high chair/potty combo, and she basically took off their nappy, sat them on it for however long, and let them do their business. They were happy enough in the day, but took much longer to be dry at night. I’m not sure how well you could say they were being trained when they were just sitting there, playing or eating, and having a pee with no conscious effort on their part.

Child led, some get it at 2 some gone 3.
It's imperative to go at the child pace.
Experts agree if the child isn't getting it back off and wait.

You can cause anxiety, trailing around with potties... accidents or just wait till they are ready and they should be ok in the day after a few week's and rare night accidents.

I had to wait with mine but we didn't trail around panicking about potties,they were done in two ,with some night accidents.
One pal was done at 2 because she got it but also very quickly.
No stress.
Another pal who pushed ended up with child withholding poo and still had issues to at least 5 year's old.

Between 2 and 3 seems normal now. But I think it is easier to do it when they are younger.

I do not know anyone who potty trained by feeding a child dinner while they say on a potty. It was common to put a child on a potty after dinner though.
They got used to going at regular times. But the signs we used to use were a dry nappy when you would expect it to be wet with that length of time. It was a sign they could physically hold on.

I didn't train my kids till they were three and could understand when I explained about using the toilet with their own special padded seat. Both were dry, out of nappies and using the toilet that very day and from then on - though I did remind them to go a lot - and then dry at night two weeks later. I don't understand the mad rush, as though it's some kind of competition!

@LondonWolf The mad rush as you call it was because washing cloth nappies was a total pain and disposable nappies were expensive. So people used to want to toilet train earlier for practical reaons.
Now nearly everyone uses disposables, and they are not so expensive, so people go for the easier practical option of only stopping nappies when they are virtually toilet trained anyway.

I'm a child of the seventies, I know all about towelling nappies and how my poor Mum suffered! Just don't think it's necessary to put ourselves and very young children under that kind of pressure these days.

We've always done it just before 3 and had no problems. I think the main issue here is that you mother is being very toxic with her comments. I hope for your sake this isn't a common occurrence xx

I was a nanny for a boy who wasn't potty trained until he was 3 1/2. It was unbelievably easy compared to seeing several of my cousins being potty trained at 2. I can't remember him ever having an accident after moving to the potty.

I knew without even opening the thread she'd be wrong

And since having dc we call or FaceTime once every 3-4 weeks for the benefit of child / grandparent relations which is when this nappy conversation happened. She never asks about me or is interested in seeing me - only her grandchild, but her hobby is criticising my life choices.

OP if she starts criticising you on the calls/facetime then say words along the lines off "Sorry I have to go as you are being unpleasant. Bye" then end the call immediately. Then don't answer if she tries to call back. Do this every single time.

Inform your spouse/partner that you are going to do this so they don't pick the phone/device up and answer her once you have cut her off.

I think you need to have a read of the "We took you to stately homes" thread on the Relationships board.

@LondonWolf You can do it without pressure on the child and I think it can be easier. The thing that makes it harder is because so many children are in nurseries who will not do toilet training. If you are at home it is easy to do when they are young. I know simply because I have cared for so many tiny children and toilet trained them young.
But I don't care when others do this. I am simply refuting the idea that it is automatically easier to wait until they are older.

I have a friend who has been trying to PT her dd on and off since she was about 15 months. The child is now over two and still not dry.

Friend has been being moaned at by her MIL and mum so felt she needed to try.

What a complete waste of time cleaning up countless wees and poos, extra washing and your dc needlessly feeling like crap for having another accident.

I know there’s dc who are ready at a very young age, as some posters on this thread have shown. But I have to say when I hear of a grandmother or older aunt saying their kids were potty trained by 16 months, I always think there’s a good chance they spent a lot of time changing wet underwear and wiping up messes and are conveniently forgetting that in their rush to make a young mum feel like shit.

As someone else said i think before school is the goal really! We tried at 2 years 8 months and he was not ready and it was so stressful.

Tried again at 3 years 4 months and he was dry within 4 days and dry at night from the second night! That was in May and since then we have had one accident at night and none in the day since day 4 of training.

He was ready. The first time he wasn't. I learnt my lesson as the only reason I tried the first time was pressure from his nursery saying he was ready!.

My 22 month old started refusing to wear nappies. Used the potty off and on. Wanted to learn. Pulled privates out when he needed to pee....so the signs were there.
That said, it was not a smooth ride. We did the oh crap method. I had weeks of ahhhh easy, then days of why are we doing this so early.
It was toddler led for us, and we embraced the changing/cleaning up as part of the learning. Which was doable, albeit frustrating, since one of us was always at home with him.

So, the child will be ready point of view, doesn't sync with no accidents... in our experience. Plenty accidents! Could be very stressful....But overall - there was progress so we stuck with it.

I totally agree with all of this.

I have a friend who has a similar situation with her dd. Her dd is now nearly 4 and still has daily accidents.

If a child cannot dress themselves there is no point potty training them

Eh? Yes there is. They tell you they want to go to the loo and you take them to the loo. No nappies needed.

I don't know why people are saying this is generational, the idea that you didn't train your kids to use the potty until they were about 2 has been around since the 80s. The OP is talking about her mother, not her nan.

Listen to this mum. 9 kids, she does know what she's talking about!!

We did it when the kids were ready. 1st at 2 and half told us that friend at nursery didn't wear nappies so they weren't going to anymore either. I think we may have had 1 or 2 accidents.
2nd went off at 3 and came back wearing knickers and said I'm not wearing nappies anymore. We were a bit surprised but she was dry day and night and only 1 bed wetting incident.
I take no credit as nothing to do with me. It's amazing what influence peers have.

I trained DD recently at the same age and she cracked it in 3 days so I would say you know your child best - if you think they're ready then give it a go! I had the opposite, lots people (not parents or in-laws thankfully) saying she would be too young but I'm glad I trusted my instincts. Good luck!

Absolutely. I wouldn't even say I 'trained' dd, I just waited till she seemed ready, when she was about 3. Two days later, done and dusted. I don't believe you can 'train' a child to use the potty until their body's ready for it.

My girls were both trained before they were 2 but my boy was 3.3ish. Yes the guidelines say 2ish but all children are different and need to be ready otherwise it will prolong the process.

I cannot stand people belittling others on what they should do with their children. I would unkindly tell her to mind her business. She is absolutely out of order!