Is my mother right about potty training?

[PeterRabbitagain]

My son is 2.2 and we are planning to potty train soon. We were going to do it over summer but I was on crutches so we postponed. My mother has had a go at me saying it's pathetic that I couldn't do it already and that he's getting too old to not be potty trained.

Aside from my mothers unkindness which I'm used to, is she correct about his age? I was under the impression that between 2-3 is normal but my mother said that was wrong.

DD was potty trained in 2 days at 27 months, and barely ever had an accident afterwards (maybe a grand total of 5 over the course of the following year?)

DS was “potty trained” at a similar age, and at 3.5 is still having 1-6 accidents per day. We’ve tried two “resets” that haven’t worked (back into nappies for a few weeks, then another 3 days at home following the Oh Crap approach).

I brought DS to a paediatrician specializing in continence issues this week, in desperation. The doctor had zero concerns whatsoever. He said many kids aren’t physiologically ready to potty train until 3, and that even 3.5 is within range. Boys tend to be successful on the later side of the spectrum. The doctor said to keep trying with the potty training, keeping things light and positive, but not to worry about the outcomes until 5. (5?!!!!!!!!!!!)

I was surprised but reassured. My DGM also has been applying a ton of pressure, telling me to punish my DS for accidents. :-(

As long as they are fully trained in the day before they start school and can also wipe themselves reasonably no-one should give a damn.

Incidentally some children don't give you a choice about when to train them. They will simply refuse to wear nappies/pull-ups in the day or hold it in so you can't say you are training them too early.

We PT much later these days because of the convenience of disposables. People practiced elimination control much more in the past which could cause problems if taken to extremes but PTing too late can also cause issues as well. I think the OPs issue is the way her Mum talks to her, not her planned age for PTing.

My daughter was 18 months, my son was 3! Depends when they are ready

If you try to soon it will take months rather than a few days and he will have multiple accidents and the whole thing will be painful! Once you start don’t go back no nappies whatsoever anymore except for sleep so make sure he’s overly ready! Both my boys were done within a week as in a Mon to Fri week on the Saturday we went to the park and he was dry totally even when out in the car etc. They were just over 2 and a half and could speak well and say recognisably and confidently that they needed the ‘tuywut’ 😂🥰 so were ready and it was honestly pretty easy. I have seen SO many friends try far too early and it’s a never ending nightmare than goes on and on for months with frequent accidents and the kid ends up SO confused with nappies on and back off again.

What problems can potty training too late cause?

FWIW, I found that people who potty trained super early just spent ages dealing with accidents and clothes covered in wee rather than nappies. We left it until almost 3, I think, and both DDs were done within a couple of days - no accidents, no drama.

DC1 stopped using nappies in the daytime at about 2y9m (she told me she wanted to wear pants and that was it). We’d tried using Oh Crap when she was about 2y5m and she just wasn’t getting it.

DC2 is a couple of weeks in to no nappies now, and he’s 2y9m. We tried early summer and after a couple of days there was no improvement so we stopped.

My mum says I was trained at 18m, but when I asked if that meant that I could tell someone I needed to go, wait to get there and get my own trousers down it was a no. She just knew my regular pattern and took me to the bathroom. She was using Terry nappies and expecting my brother so I completely understand why that was easier than leaving me in nappies.

Every child is different. Some are out of nappy at 18 months and others are much older. My son is nearly 4 and still isn't potty trained. He simply isn't ready and it causes him great distress so I've left it and will try again in a month or so.

@satelliteheart
Because it's cold in winter and less ideal than summer. Sorry, I thought that was obvious. I'm not endorsing it. I'm just explaining my mother's views, which seem common to her generation (at least where I live).

I do think modern nappies make it a) more convenient for parents to potty train later and b) make the child feel dry all the time so they're not inclined to potty train. So the potty training age is creeping later these days.

I used reusable nappies and potty trained at 20 months. She got the hang of it pretty quickly and we had maybe 1 or 2 accidents a week before she was fully trained. I'd rather 1 accident a day than constant "accidents" in a nappy anyway, it can't be pleasant once you're aware of it.

DS was pretty old before we even attempted it. Then we started getting him to go for a wee the second he woke up, and worked the rest out later. We were chill about it because he had nearly an extra year. He cracked it straight away and was dry overnight too.

We tried chocolate buttons for every time he went. The trouble is he worked out very quickly he could game this by going for a small wee, holding onto the rest and then going for another 20 mins later for extra buttons!!

There has definitely been an upward trend in potty training, probably as disposable nappies have improved and got cheaper it's much harder for a child to tell they're wet and much easier for parents to deal with an older toddler that is still in nappies. I remember my (100 year old) grandmother saying it was very unusual for a 3 year old to not be potty trained when she had young children, and if they were over 2.5 it was frowned upon - so I do think it's odd when people are advised now that it is impossible before 2.5. I personally know several children potty trained by 18 months.

But I think (a) children back then had much more strict routines (b) they were sat on the potty after every nap and meal from 9 months or so (c) parents had a huge incentive to potty train due to all the laundry from terry nappies. I would just say to your mum you're planning on doing it soon, agree he seems ready, and that it's totally average age these days.

There seems to be some snobbery/show-offiness about having kids trained before age 2. Like it's some sort of mark of mum superiority. I'd rather wait till sometime between 2 and 3 and get it over and done with within a fortnight than have it take months because it's completely adult led. I suppose back in the day, that is how it was done but that doesn't necessarily mean it's optimal.

2-3 does seem to be about right but it can vary enormously since they all grow and develop at different rates. Disposable nappies leave the child feeling dry so they don't get used to being uncomfortable when wet so it can take a little longer if using them. A few things need to be in place before the child is ready such as the ability to know what "wet" and "dry" feels like, motor skills to be able to pull down pullups or underwear, language/being able to communicate their needs with you, bladder/bowel control to know when to hold and release.

I potty trained mine when their nursery announced that they were going to train the whole class at the same time so it seemed sensible to do it at home as well. Think they were about 2 1/2 at the time. Younger siblings are easier as they have an older one to watch and copy.

Your mother doesn't sound very nice. I'd thank her for her opinion and then disregard it and limit contact with her.

DS was fully potty trained by day by 2.5 (he’s 2.9 now and we’re working on night training) but he poo trained himself at 1.5 years old & so it was pretty straight forward. If he isn’t showing signs then it’s better for everyone that you wait. Bear in mind DS is 2.9 now and at nursery he’s only one of a handful of kids his age who are in pants - so I’d say it’s totally normal not to be trained by 2.2. Don’t let her pressure you.

What does you little one think? My daughter was adimant she wouldn’t be potty trained. She turned three at the start of September and since then has worn pants and had no interest in nappies.She knew how to use the potty from seeeing the other children at the childminders.

It definitely wasn't adult led with my DD. She knew when she was wet/dirty and would tell us. She could ask to go for a wee or a poo by 18 months and she was very aware of it. I think because of the reusable nappies.
I think between 18 months and 2.5 is supposed to be optimal but I'm not sure why.

But this is true. Children were trained much earlier historically. In the sixties the first birthday saw the buying of underwear and most girls were daytime dry by 13 months with boys taking a bit longer. No children could go to nursery play group swimming etc until dry. And if your child was slow it was a bit shameful. Hell my dozy younger brother wasn't dry till 18 months and it took Mum 6 months intensive work to train him - mum still talks of it in horror though he is nearly 60! So not recommended nowadays but definitely possible if that is someone's complete focus

Mums can be wrong! Yours sounds to be. It is fine to wait until you are both ready.

If you tackle it too early (before the child has control and awareness) it takes longer.

If they are ready and you haven't tackled it before they leave home... you have left it too late.

No age is the right age. Some are ready early others aren't both my boys were 3.5 when they learnt. We tried with both before and they weren't ready. I guess you can try and then not be ready and just persevere but it will be a horrible time for you all. If they're ready it won't take long.

People are really weird about not trying to potty train too young nowadays as if it’s somehow damaging. It’s become trendy to train later and later. Of course try and potty train at age 2 instead of age 3 if it saves a whole year’s worth of nappies?! If they aren’t ready, try again later no harm done.

Depends on the child. DS was an early speaker and used to say poo before doing it at 9 mths. At nursery they used to take him to the potties with the older kids to foster an interest & we bought him a potty to keep at home as he loved sitting on it. Then by 1 he loved pooing in them but wasn’t always able to time it. By 1.5 he was holding in his poos until he could use a potty and we only used the pull up for weeks until he fogured that out by 2.5.

Kids are all very different and have different interests and priorities

2.2 is on the younger side for sure. I think most kids are closer to 3 now days. The more you push it when they aren’t ready the more I think they have issues wetting the bed etc.

I’ve never met an adult who isn’t potty trained…

Both my boys were 2yrs 9 months … it was going to preschool motivated rather than thinking they were really ready and there were quite a few accidents . My older suddenly got it about 6 months later and was also dry at night from then too . Younger one had accidents for years and nighttime accidents right up to about 10. All kids are different .. ignore the pressure

Parents nowadays try and teach babies to swim at a few months old but god forbid we teach our toddlers to use the potty any earlier than absolutely necessary.