I wasn’t in the wrong and haven’t received an apology but need to try and ‘make up’ with MIL- how do i go about it ?

[CreatedaProblem]

Had an argument with MIL- well…… sort of. She had a go at me basically. Not my fault at all but was quite an explosive rant.

It’s been weeks now and we haven’t spoken . Dh has had minimal contact by text. It’s awkward we used to get on ok.

I know she was in the wrong and I don’t want to back down but I’d rather everyone got along again but no idea how to approach the situation at all.

I'd never leave her alone with my children, she can't be trusted not to say absolutely poisonous things can she?

I agree with @verdantverdure on this. It's actually really upsetting and damaging for children hear a grandparent drip-feeding passive-aggressive comments about their mother, let alone hearing the grandparent unleashing full-on bile.

It's confusing for children and it teaches them crappy messages about minimising worries and emotions, and being secretive. It also ropes your DH into a 'secret' about what granny said and best not tell mum, eh?

Your DH definitely needs to sort his lines of communication and boundaries out here.

Does your DH normally go straight there when summoned? If yes, that would be why she's exploded on this occasion. What's her DP like?

"She phoned us one aft and said she needed dh to go round immediately to help her with something then drop her off to the shops. We were actually about 30 mins away at an appointment then we’re going straight on to school pick up and when we said we couldn’t help her she lost her temper spectacularly and accused me of ‘winning’ that I finally had ‘what I wanted - her son ‘ and how her Beaty couldn’t take it that she wants him to remember that she’s his family but he only cares about his family unit with me and the children. She was furious. She then text me to go and f myself and she would never speak to me again*"

Personally I'd let the silly hag stew a while longer!!*

So, let me understand this - on your wedding day to your DH (her son) she threw a hissy fit because you were 'taking her son away from her'??? And she never apologised for that comment when it became clear you hadn't and didn't take her son away from her???

Then she throws another hissy fit because neither you nor he were available at the drop of a hat to run around after her and she threw her toys out of the pram on that telling you to fuck off??

In fairness to you @CreatedaProblem , I'd be wondering where your anger is to be honest.

The woman clearly doesn't like you or the fact that her son does (probably more accurate here) and she hasn't got control of her son anymore to do her bidding for her. She spoke her mind. How does that saying go - In vino veritas - in wine there is the truth. She spoke her truth. Believe it.

At the very most if your DH wants to resume visits to his mother, he can do that. Without the kids. He does it solo. You're not going to expose the children to her vitriol. He must explain that this is what happens when someone tells his wife to fuck off. She must own it. She must apologise. The apology mustn't be forced, it should be genuine.

That's my advice at this stage.

If she was a nightmare mil and makes op's life a pain then I would say not to forget it, but op seems to want to make up.

I don't think it's quite abuse , I would say she lost it though for a bit but would take the silence as embarrassment myself maybe? Especially as op says she doesn't have form.

If she did it again then I would be hesitant to forgive but a second chance surely could be given ?

Sometimes I think talking about something just makes it worse, not always but my god what an awkward conversation.

I also agree with this. From her son not you definitely, and not forgetting to be as clear as this about the two sides to the approach - what she said was unacceptable but so out of character that its made him worry that there's actually something else worrying going on.

Why does a 64 year old in good health and living with a partner need so much help from multiple adult children? If she were in poor health or elderly this would make sense, but this is a woman of working age...

Yep

I think you need to have a good chat with DH, what else has she said? What does he want to do about it. I’d also be interested in any feedback from the other siblings, I assume you’ve spoken to them about it?

For those saying she hasn’t got form, she was awful to OP on her wedding day too

You sound extremely reasonable and measured

She sounds extremely bitter and possessive of her DS

Tbh, I would very much handle with care and keep your distance until she apologises

I had a very toxic granny, and my mum always tried to keep the peace for my dad's sake and so we could have a connection with our granny

She was a horrible selfish woman, constantly needing people to do things for her, mean streak after a few drinks

Wish my mum had not bothered

Is your MIL even a loving grandmother? She really sounds awful imo

Wow, you’d be mad to offer any kind of truce, she sounds like she absolutely hates you.