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Original poster

I wasn’t in the wrong and haven’t received an apology but need to try and ‘make up’ with MIL- how do i go about it ?

137 replies

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 21:31

Had an argument with MIL- well…… sort of. She had a go at me basically. Not my fault at all but was quite an explosive rant.

It’s been weeks now and we haven’t spoken . Dh has had minimal contact by text. It’s awkward we used to get on ok.

I know she was in the wrong and I don’t want to back down but I’d rather everyone got along again but no idea how to approach the situation at all.

OP posts:
motherofthelittlescreamingone · 17/09/2022 22:41

How often would you see her?

How often would your DH see her and do things for her by comparison to siblings?

It is absolutely unacceptable the way that she behaved.

I am just wondering whether perhaps the other siblings have been bullied/guilted into more things and you and husband have been obliviously getting on with family life? Is there a wider dynamic that means this is less out of the blue than you'd imagine?

Original poster
CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:41

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 17/09/2022 22:38

You say this was totally out of character. Is she ok - health wise? Cognitively?

I think so I can’t be 100% sure, she does suffer from anxiety and depression though so maybe that’s a factor

OP posts:
Original poster
CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:43

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 17/09/2022 22:41

How often would you see her?

How often would your DH see her and do things for her by comparison to siblings?

It is absolutely unacceptable the way that she behaved.

I am just wondering whether perhaps the other siblings have been bullied/guilted into more things and you and husband have been obliviously getting on with family life? Is there a wider dynamic that means this is less out of the blue than you'd imagine?

Dh siblings do absolutely loads for her. Taking her out , going to see her , holidays , helping with the house etc etc . The difference is they all have teen or adult dc whereas we have a young family so we aren’t as available and when we are it’s all of us or just dh and not exactly on her terms

OP posts:
Animalcrossyroad · 17/09/2022 22:47

Are you for real OP? You want to extend an olive branch to her after what she said? Sod that!

If DH wants to maintain a relationship with her, he can do that. He can speak to her, visit her and take the kids if they want to go.

But if I was in your shoes, I'd never bother with her ever again.

AlisonDonut · 17/09/2022 22:53

It isn't that out of character if its been stewing for years.

The fact that she hasn't apologised says to me she meant it.

Original poster
CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:53

Animalcrossyroad · 17/09/2022 22:47

Are you for real OP? You want to extend an olive branch to her after what she said? Sod that!

If DH wants to maintain a relationship with her, he can do that. He can speak to her, visit her and take the kids if they want to go.

But if I was in your shoes, I'd never bother with her ever again.

I just wasn’t sure if I should do something, mostly for dh and dc sake . Dh has made no moves to reconnect with her and iam suspicious she’s said more to him and he didn’t want to say and upset me maybe

OP posts:
Original poster
CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:55

AlisonDonut · 17/09/2022 22:53

It isn't that out of character if its been stewing for years.

The fact that she hasn't apologised says to me she meant it.

It did feel like that she was really furious

OP posts:
Thinkingblonde · 17/09/2022 22:55

Stichintimesavesstapling · 17/09/2022 22:13

The rant, ok out of character. The text though, she had time to think and she rattled it off anyway. I wouldn't be going cap in hand to that.

At this point she now is playing a power game. You apologise (she wins), you don't and she can say she was right all along and her son has been snatched aay by the evil harpie. I would ask your dh to sort this, say she's welcome over if she apologises.

^ This is spot on.
Her comments about you ‘winning’ and DH putting you and your dc are very telling, she is seething with jealousy and resentment towards you. Of course he’s going prioritise you and your dc over her.
I would let your DH sort this out, it needs to come from him how much she’s hurt you, you are a family unit and she needs to apologise.
Does she often expect him to drop everything when clicks her fingers?

Original poster
CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:55

I think given these responses that I’ll wait and see if a bit more time brings an apology

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 17/09/2022 22:58

"I don’t want to apologise as I did nothing wrong but I felt like should I be the one to try and fix the situation for everyone’s benefit ? I just don’t like there being a bad atmosphere and the dc have been asking why haven’t we seen her and I don’t know what to do. I thought she would have apologised actually but it seems maybe she still stands by what she said which will be difficult"

Have to say OP I'm staggered at how passive you're sounding about this. SHE owes you a huge apology. Absolutely not up to you to extend an olive branch - if anything your DH should sort it but frankly both of you should take a step back from her for a while anyway after that outburst.

Teach your children that rude demanding people don't get your attention even if it is Granny!! (Ok easier said than done but you get my drift?!)

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 17/09/2022 23:00

Sounds as if she is very wrapped up in herself.

When DH siblings had young kids she had a more active life probably and DH at home so she didn't object to them being busy and now she is older and lonelier she is using that as a stick to beat you with because, frankly, she is jealous of you. Very unhealthy.

I'd let DH handle it. It's not on you to make the first move.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 17/09/2022 23:00

You’ll no more get an apology from that one than I’ll ever fit in a size 8 again.

The thing is, you absolutely do deserve a sincere apology and there’d be no olive branch from me until it was forthcoming.

Craftybodger · 17/09/2022 23:01

Please give her more time. You have nothing to apologise for so please don’t.

Animalcrossyroad · 17/09/2022 23:03

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:55

I think given these responses that I’ll wait and see if a bit more time brings an apology

I'd be waiting until hell froze over.

Minimalme · 17/09/2022 23:04

There's no going back op.

She resents you. Probably loathes you given the level of venom she openly displayed at your wedding and recently.

I don't think it is within your gift to mend this.

I would avoid her. She is a venomous, bitter and controlling woman and it is remarkable it has been years before you and dh noticed.

Summerfun54321 · 17/09/2022 23:06

If my MIL sent me a text telling me to go f*ck myself I’d be expecting my DH to go round to her house that evening and insist she apologises to me immediately. Your DH should be livid here and be reading her the riot act. This is really not for you to resolve.

PortalooSunset · 17/09/2022 23:07

I'd leave well alone and let dh deal with her.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 17/09/2022 23:10

Imo she never liked you. Bubbled away.
Then blew..
Yabu to make it you who needs to fix this.

Pallisers · 17/09/2022 23:11

I'd say she was drunk when she said it. And her drinking is worse than you think. But what is in your head sober comes out drunk in a lot of cases.

I'd ask your dh to call over. Best case is she apologises to him. worse is he manages to agree to draw a line under it and not mention it again. Worst is if she has another go at him for not being married to her instead of you.

Thinkingblonde · 17/09/2022 23:12

She needs to lay off the drink. I know someone like her, he spills all kinds of bile when pissed. He simmers at some perceived slight, someone looks at him the wrong way, whatever, we give him a wide berth now. Easier all round.

2pinkginsplease · 17/09/2022 23:16

Im pretty stubborn so I’m his situation I wouldn’t be making amends unless I had an apology from her. She’s shown her true colours.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 17/09/2022 23:17

What a terrible tirade of things to throw at you. She should be ashamed. Do you know if the other siblings know and if so what they think? Has your DH spoke with any of them?

Livelovebehappy · 17/09/2022 23:18

I had quite a bad argument with my brother a few months ago, which was 100% his fault. We didn’t speak for a couple of months, but it was causing problems with other family members, and I ended up going to see him, saying as soon as I got through the door that we should hug it out. But I did also say that this wasn’t an apology as I felt I was right, but that I just didn’t want us to be not speaking anymore as it was affecting the whole family. As long as you say to your mil that it isn’t an apology but just two people moving on from a disagreement, then you won’t feel you’re backing down.

Cats4life · 17/09/2022 23:23

Sorry but I think you extending an olive branch is crazy and i think this is actually the real her coming across and you've either chosen not to see this side of her before or she is just a very good liar.

Either way if your husband isnt fussed then you dont be either but if she thinks you are "winning" then you apologising or even attempting to make amends will just prove to her that she was right about you.

As for your husband and children if she says this when she knows you can hear, imagine what she says to your family when you cant hear and is that someone you are comfortable with being around your young children.

I'd say count your blessings and ignore it until she apologises

Original poster
CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 23:26

Yes that makes sense as she was very hands on with her other grandchildren

OP posts:
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