I wasn’t in the wrong and haven’t received an apology but need to try and ‘make up’ with MIL- how do i go about it ?

[CreatedaProblem]

Had an argument with MIL- well…… sort of. She had a go at me basically. Not my fault at all but was quite an explosive rant.

It’s been weeks now and we haven’t spoken . Dh has had minimal contact by text. It’s awkward we used to get on ok.

I know she was in the wrong and I don’t want to back down but I’d rather everyone got along again but no idea how to approach the situation at all.

I feel slightly different than most PPs on this one. You say she’s never done anything like this before apart from one comment at your wedding, which I assume was some years ago? So something has rattled her. I think if my dm had done this I’d have gone round asap to speak to her face to face. I’m surprised your dh didn’t do this just to reassure himself that she wasn’t drunk or ill. I do understand why others are saying she should make the first move, but this is bothering you, your dh and is impacting on your children. So you have 2 choices - continue to let it bother you not knowing where the comments came from, or face it head on and go and see her together to try to resolve it.

Sorry to say it but your DH is being a big wet here.
Why hasn’t he contacted her and asked her what the hell that was about and set her straight- yes his family unit with you and the kids is his priority and whilst he loves and cares about her she can’t dictate what he does nor demand his attention ahead of you all and all that aside her behaviour and language was appalling and she owes you a huge apology.
His silence is pathetic I’m sorry and I would be very angry at my DH for not stepping in and managing this properly.
I would also prefer my children away from someone who is a loose canon with potential for such vitriol so I would not be making the first or subsequent moves no.

You posted about this when it happened didn't you?

If she said it 'under pressure' from what? Also mil has made it clear she doesn't value or like OP, so I really don't understand all the posts suggesting op runs around to check on the welfare of her.
She's 64!! And well cosseted by the family.

I don't understand why you feel it's down to you to sort this out. I'm glad you've decided to leave it to your husband, it's pretty clear that he is the only one who can sort it out, if indeed that's possible at all.

Sometimes in a difficult situation, the best thing you can do is nothing at all.

MIL was in the wrong here and quite unreasonable, but I think if you demand an apology or try and talk it out in detail it will just make things worse - I suspect as pp have said that she was drunk but that those feelings are genuine.

Equally, I think if you go round with an olive branch and do the work of making amends then it will come across as you accepting that behaviour, and that next time she asks for help she'll assume you'll drop everything.

So, I'd do exactly nothing. Let DH decide whether he gets in touch with her, let her decide whether she gets in touch with DH. Remain open to what either of them ask for but don't make any effort yourself and see what happens.

TBH I don’t think it’s beneficial for your children to spend time with someone who drinks to excess and directs explosive rage at their mother.

If you smooth things over she’ll continue to behave like this, as it gets the results she wants.

Any contact needs to begin with your DH making it clear that he will not tolerate her speaking like that to any of you.

Let DH go round and see if she's alright? She must feel awful.
Life's too short to burn bridges.

You don’t do anything to fix this - it isn’t about you. She’d have blown up like this at ANYONE your husband married. She absolutely meant it, it’s been building for years, and it’s not your job to be peacemaker. This is between your husband and his mother and you need to steer well clear. If you’re going to talk to anyone about it, you talk to him and in the course of that conversation I suggest you make it very clear that you won’t tolerate being spoken to like that by his mother.

This is spot on ^

You haven’t got on well over the years - she has just kept all this resentment inside until it exploded out. I wouldn’t be trying to do anything. If your husband wants to speak to her that’s up to him but I would not try and mend anything for his sake, he is an adult and can do that himself. As for the DC I wouldn’t want them near anyone who actively hates me and told me to go fuck myself so I’d leave that as it is.

Yep. As far as she is concerned, you're not doing your "job" which is to encourage and facilitiate him being available whenever she wants - to prove to herself he'll drop everything for her. You personally could be any woman reasonably expecting your husband to prioritise your children, and it'd be the same.

So much advice re not making the first move ,not contacting her .It seems so judgemental and final .None of us are perfect .

You say she drinks quite a lot and has anxiety and depression .And the former will make the latter worse . I'd bet everything on her being drunk when she phoned .

Please be the bigger person ,make contact .You don't have to get back to where you were but at least resume things .You can be polite and keep your inner self protected and reserved .Cordial but not wary .

The longer the distance goes on the harder it will be for everyone .I don't know how to word this but I'm not advocating that you be a doormat but she's a person ,your husband's mother ,your children's grandmother . If she repeat offends then I'd reduce contact to the bare minimum .

This is a repeat offence.

If it is a power thing in your MIL's opinion then she will view any approach from you as a 'win'. Even if you stated you weren't apologising but wanted to move on.

Sorry Dashboard I missed that ,was concentrating on the "totally out of character ".

No worries, I'm not sure OP had initially made the connection between the wedding comment and this one!

This is MN where am everyone hates their MIL and Hell would freeze over before anyone would apologise or accept an apology.

But I think you are doing the right thing. Family disputes are hard and have long lasting effects on the wider family; she is presumably getting on and if this is out of character, I'd give her some slack. In the end, this is your DH's mum.

However, saying that, I would leave it to your DH to break the ice as it's his mum and you just tag along with whatever's suggested.

She text you to go fuck yourself??

I'd have nothing to do with her again & keep my kids away.

What a nasty piece of work she is.

she is presumably getting on and if this is out of character,

She's 64 & this appears to not be out of character.

I think she may have been minimising the drinking, too.

Alcohol abuse ('drinking a lot') can change some people's thought processes. At first this might be temporary, with one-off outbursts, but as time goes on these thought patterns can become more ingrained. The result: even more hurtful outbursts, weird beliefs, and quite a lot of self-pity.

Relatives can run round after it and enable it (which just stokes the self-pity); or pull back and seek help for themselves. (The 'problem drinker' has to want to get their own help.) It's a really awful place to be, and relatives can have a terrible time of it. There are some good groups and therapies to help.

Wow , what a moment of weakness for MIL, god I bet she is soooo embarrassed.

OP, fair play to you for wanting to make up.

Why don't you just send her a txt about something general " what flour do you use when making your cakes , where was that shop we went to ? " etc... and see if she replies

If she replies I wouldn't bring it up again , it doesn't need talking about.

She then text me to go and f myself and she would never speak to me again

OP don't be a pleaser. It isn't your responsibility to make sure everyone gets along. Far too often it's the woman who scurries around trying to keep the peace, and caring what other people think.

there is no bloody way I'd want to re-engage with anyone who spoke to me like that. No excuse for that whatsoever.

Id let it go, move in with your life and make zero effort to make contact. If your DH wants to have contact with his mother that's up to him. Be busy with people who make you happy, don't waste a moment with someone who clearly despises your very existence, she will never ever change.

Is she known for this kind of thing? If you told the rest of the family would they want to take her to the GP to get her checked for cognitive decline or would they tell you to "forget it that's just how she is, her emotions get the better of her sometimes"? Does she have a weird bee in the bonnet about her other DIL? I'd never leave her alone with my children, she can't be trusted not to say absolutely poisonous things can she?

I would park MIL for a minute and ask your husband to be completely frank with you about anything she has said about you to him. I think it's possible that far too many things have already been ignored and moved on from.

If I had a family member who couldn't be relied upon to be civil to, and about, my partner I might still see them but any of that kind of talk would be shut down immediately, and they would have no access to my partner or children because of it.

@XJerseyGirlX why doesn’t it need talking about? Why is the MIL allowed to treat her DIL like that? Bet there would be hell to pay if the OP had spoken to MIL like that

Because far too much abusive behaviour is swept under the carpet because people have been trained to avoid confrontation?