I wasn’t in the wrong and haven’t received an apology but need to try and ‘make up’ with MIL- how do i go about it ?

[CreatedaProblem]

Had an argument with MIL- well…… sort of. She had a go at me basically. Not my fault at all but was quite an explosive rant.

It’s been weeks now and we haven’t spoken . Dh has had minimal contact by text. It’s awkward we used to get on ok.

I know she was in the wrong and I don’t want to back down but I’d rather everyone got along again but no idea how to approach the situation at all.

Don’t break the ice here. She needs to understand her behaviour isn’t acceptable and ensure this doesn’t happen again. Don’t open yourself up to more of this abuse by making this so easy for her.

she clearly sees you as competition for her sons attention are you sure this issue hasn’t reared its head before? I’m very surprised there’s not been other issues based on that competitive attitude with you. How long have you been with your DH? Does he also think this is out of character for her?

Maybe your DH should pop by, rather than you.

You say it’s out of character, however, it probably isn’t and she has been sitting waiting to explode for a while out of jealousy of and for you “taking” her son.

I would wait it out either your DP needs to get involved or she can apologise

I'm with those saying if it's so out of character I'd extend an olive branch.

But send DH first - maybe with the children afterwards.

Find out if this was someone not able to pretend anymore or someone feeling lonely and having a rant and there's more to it.

Once you know that you can decide if you get involved again or not.

But DH needs to tell her she has to apologise to you

Instead of thinking of Christmas like that, think of new traditions that you, your DH and kid(s) can do this year. New start, new beginnings and all that
If it was a work colleague or someone outside of your family that said those things to you, you wouldn't be rolling out the red carpet for them. Why should this be any different?

Send your DH around, then the DC if she's reasonable. Don't think this is your situation to fix.

It sucks when it's unfair. Something along these lines happened to me recently & it's caused me a lot of distress.

Fuck her.

She needs to apologise and she hasn't. Even if she has stuff going on, she's had time to calm down and reflect and she still hasn't. I can't abide people who won't apologise or face up to their shitty behaviour. To me that's usually worse and more unforgivable than what they did or said in the first place.

Agree with this, although rant out of character or finally the real her breaking though?

Never really had any issues at all in the past the only thing was her level of sadness when dh moved out she was absolutely beside herself. She was a bit strange on our wedding day too she kept saying to dh ‘oh you think you’re better than all of us now because you married HER’ but she didn’t elaborate and was quite drunk and it didn’t make much sense to me !!

What did she want you to do that was so urgent? Surely she realised school pickup was close too?

Your DH should be demanding she apologises to you! No way should you be breaking the ice.

I’m not sure I might send dh to see how things are and decide from there

Oh wow, the wedding comment. She hates you, sorry op, but you are the evil son-snatcher. She will never warm to you so now it's very obvious it'll always be awkward. I'd make your peace with that and work out how to allow DC time with her and your dh in the least awkward way (i.e. you being away!)

She said she wanted dh to drop everything and just go to her - and for me to deal with everything - but that was easier said than done. She was shouting at dh that he needed to be there for her and does too much for me. She kept repeating how his siblings can manage to be there for her and he is the missing part of the puzzle

Even if the rant itself was out of character, she had time to think about the text message and she has had plenty of time since to think about her actions, apologise profusely and try to make things right. The fact that she hasn't makes me think she stands by what she said, in which case I def don't think you should make the first move.

Sounds to me like she has been stewing this a long time. I wouldn't apologise.

How old is she?
Is there a FIL?
Does she drink?

64 , she drinks quite a lot. Has a partner (not dh dad)

She had a go at your husband too so why is it up to you to apologise and move past it? Yes she text you afterwards which showed malice directly towards you but her original issue was with him not dropping everything for her

You need to talk to your husband about how he wants to handle things

Bloody hell. She's clearly built up an enormous amount of resentment and jealousy over the years based on her perception that you 'stole' her son. Is he the favourite child?

I think the olive branch needs to come from your husband, but as another poster said, she needs to acknowledge what she said was completely wrong and apologise to you. If she can't do that, she can't come to the house. Her choice.

She's got some serious growing up to do and I wouldn't hold your breath.

I don’t want to apologise as I did nothing wrong but I felt like should I be the one to try and fix the situation for everyone’s benefit ? I just don’t like there being a bad atmosphere and the dc have been asking why haven’t we seen her and I don’t know what to do. I thought she would have apologised actually but it seems maybe she still stands by what she said which will be difficult

You say this was totally out of character. Is she ok - health wise? Cognitively?

It'll be a short term benefit as the atmosphere will be awful and overtime the way she treats you will cause huge problems.

Yes I think he was the favourite and he was the last to leave home as well

My MIL did this. She had form for it, though. I was expecting it eventually.

I told DH to sort her behaviour & I wouldn't be talking to his mother until she showed me respect. He did (finally). No way I was letting her get away with it again (happened before).

I didn't assert myself when she did it the first time (20 years ago) & had two decades of misery. Don't make that mistake. I never got an apology (she never believed she did anything wrong) but she held her tongue (kind of).

She's only 64 and has a partner, surely she doesn't need her adult children to be doing things for her, unless there was an emergency.

I assume drink was involved during the phone call and text, but was showing her true colours.

Not sure why you or your DH should be offering an olive branch. But your DH should have contacted her to ask what she meant by speaking and texting you like that