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Original poster

I wasn’t in the wrong and haven’t received an apology but need to try and ‘make up’ with MIL- how do i go about it ?

137 replies

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 21:31

Had an argument with MIL- well…… sort of. She had a go at me basically. Not my fault at all but was quite an explosive rant.

It’s been weeks now and we haven’t spoken . Dh has had minimal contact by text. It’s awkward we used to get on ok.

I know she was in the wrong and I don’t want to back down but I’d rather everyone got along again but no idea how to approach the situation at all.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2022 23:29

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:11

It was very out of the blue and very very explosive . We sort of sat there after thinking wtf just happened ???? But I feel awful for dh and dc as suddenly she’s just not around anymore and I’m thinking ahead of Xmas etc and worrying it’s Going to be unpleasant and even though it wasn’t me I feel like should I try at least to get everyone talking again or should I wait for an apology

So why isn't her son intervening?

BadNomad · 17/09/2022 23:30

I don't think this is out of character at all. It sounds like this is how she has felt all along. There is nothing you need to do. An apology isn't going to fix this. This is something she needs to sort out with herself first.

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2022 23:31

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:55

I think given these responses that I’ll wait and see if a bit more time brings an apology

I think hell will be freezing over first

Original poster

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 23:32

The comment on our wedding day was bizarre it came from nothing and wasn’t followed up she said it and walked off it was just really strange but maybe it was her real feelings

OP posts:

saraclara · 17/09/2022 23:37

I don't understand why your DH hasn't been round to see her to follow up on this.

If it's way out of character, in his position I'd have gone round to check on her. If not completely out of character I'd have gone round to sort it out.

Has he even contacted his siblings to ask what's going on with her? He seems to have not done a thing, while you're feeling that you need to.

SpinCityBlues · 17/09/2022 23:43

She sounds like someone with a significant drink problem - and your DH knows it.

Original poster

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 23:49

SpinCityBlues · 17/09/2022 23:43

She sounds like someone with a significant drink problem - and your DH knows it.

Yes I think there is an issue there, at the wedding the comment was after drinking so perhaps this recent outburst was also fuelled by alcohol.

I will be leaving things as they are and dh can deal with her !!! I do feel perhaps more was said I’m not aware of so I will be asking him about that. I don’t think an apology is likely at all if I’m honest

OP posts:

MummyIsJustDoingThis · 17/09/2022 23:55

It’s now dh’s job to sort things. Some mothers (to sons) are like this and I’m going to do everything I can to not be like this absolute matriarch! It’s not your job to apologise or smooth things over. Her outburst - his family. Just enjoy the peace. Wish I had a reason to not have to speak to the in-laws (mother of boys!)!

MummyIsJustDoingThis · 18/09/2022 00:01

When you say you have a reasonable relationship with this woman, what does that look like? Sounds like you’ll never be enough for her son as you’re simply not her!
what has dh said? Does he think it odd? If this was my parents, I’d be having words! xx

Dotcomma · 18/09/2022 00:05

Firstly she can't demand you drop everything for her by means of an unexpected phone call unless it's a genuine emergency which it wasn't.

The wedding comment was nasty - did you not have any inkling that MIL had issues with you beforehand?

You married her son, not his mother, she sounds like a right handful, I'd give her a wide birth.

No doubt DH has been getting earache for some time on the quiet, how is he dealing with the issue? - you need to talk to each other and show a united front in how you're going to manage things going forward x

Waiting4baby2 · 18/09/2022 00:06

Maybe your husband hasn’t been very attentive to his mum (although it sounds like she’s high maintenance so nothing might ever be enough) and you are getting the blame?
I would let him deal with it and speak to her about what has been going on/ resolve it somehow and tell her she needs to apologise to you so that the family can move forward. You shouldn’t be the peace maker here, you’ve done nothing wrong!

Arenanewbie · 18/09/2022 00:08

I don’t think it’s an accident considering your updates about her age, drinking, wedding comment. She owes you a huge apology. Imo she was stewing for quite a while and to be honest my trust towards her would be gone. She showed that she’s very unreasonable - she is 64, has partner and other children available and wants to make a point of your DH who has young children running around her. Also however cross she was with your DH she turned it out on you, that it’s your win. It’s very telling for me, she was in competition with you from the very beginning and it won’t improve.

I’m surprised that your DH wasn’t at hers demanding the apology the very same day.

JustTheUsual · 18/09/2022 00:19

As both a mother-in-law and a daughter in law I would not be apologising after that rant. It sounds like the middle of the day, and she sent texts so she will have some recollection of what happened and if she hasn't felt compelled to be the one to offer an olive branch then I would let her stew. If I were you, I would have a good talk with your DH, saying that you don't like any bad feeling, but as you haven't done anything wrong you are unable to fix it. That's essentially what you are trying to do, fix something that someone else broke. You don't have to be cruel, but this should be an apology that comes to you, not that is instigated by you. It sounds like your MIL has a few things going on, but that doesn't mean you are her punching bag for alleviating stress.

It sounds hard but after the conversation with your DH you should work out your response to an apology (or no apology) and then get on with your own life without this situation marring it. You have no responsibility here, and you might like everything to be easygoing and calm (I get this I do to), but you will be creating a rod for your own back, and (I know this might sound strange) I think you would be letting yourself down a bit if you try to smooth this over. You deserve an apology. What she did was very unpleasant.

Gymnopedie · 18/09/2022 00:37

I think you have to leave this one to DH. This isn't your issue to fix. If he doesn't want to contact her, it's not for you to decide he 'should'.

Firstly there was a thread on here a few months ago where the wife had decided her DH should be forced into a relationship with his toxic mother. He didn't want to. And when the nastiness ramped up she had to face up to the fact that she shouldn't have pushed it.

Secondly, if you decide unilaterally to extend an olive branch, you're going to leave DH confused. If you say LC/NC in future, do you mean it or don't you? What does that mean for him?

She doesn't sound like someone I'd want to inflict on my DCs, so forget any rose tinted specs versions of 'family'.

ittakes2 · 18/09/2022 00:56

I have a m’n’law like your’s -nasty with drink. The things she has said while drinking have been horrific. The rest of the time she looks like a vulnerable old lady. I used to not say anything when she was rude as I didn’t want to put pressure on her relationship with my hubby and kids. But eventually it ate away at me. On one occasion I did try and explain to her why she had hurt my feelings (calling me a slut because she felt my house was messy - it was we had just moved and I told her that before she came over) she just dismissed my feelings and said she’s spoken in anger and these things happen sort of thing. There were so many times my husband and I eventually let time heal wounds because she is not capable of remorse or giving an apology. I have gone low contact with her now - I don’t expect her to be reasonable and therefore I am not disappointed when she is not. I encourage my hubby and kids to have a relationship with her as she is kind to them - my hubby would never let her speak ill of me though and she knows if she does he would reduce his contact with her

ittakes2 · 18/09/2022 00:58

By the way my m’n’law just likes someone to moan about / be a punching bag. If it is not me it’s someone else. I suspect your m’n’law is the same.

deeperthanallroses · 18/09/2022 01:07

In addition to NOT preferring any kind of olive branch I’d ask my Dh to make sure he’s told his siblings what his mum has said to you so no one is in any doubt as to why you are not in contact. And maybe they will tell her she was out of order.

deeperthanallroses · 18/09/2022 01:07

Not preferring, proffering!

onlythreenow · 18/09/2022 01:11

I was going to say just pretend nothing has happened but after seeing your update I have changed my mind. You deserve an apology. I would be keeping well away from her until I got one if it were me.

SammyScrounge · 18/09/2022 01:32

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:01

I should add - it was massively out of character for her . We usually get on fine so it was really a shock

Since you usually get on well, she could easily be sitting fretting over the tirade and regretting it.aybe you could make the first move.

Gymnopedie · 18/09/2022 01:42

Since you usually get on well, she could easily be sitting fretting over the tirade and regretting it.aybe you could make the first move.

And maybe she isn't.

And if she is, it's not OP's job to smooth things over. If MIL had the brass balls to say and text what she did, she can find them again to apologise.

Holly60 · 18/09/2022 08:06

Could you not brace yourself to have an actual conversation with her about it?

'MIL I was shocked at what you said. Do you really feel like that? What has caused you to feel like that?'

I'd want to know if she just sort of said it under pressure or if she really thinks like that.

You sound lovely so it would also give you a chance to tell her you do all value her, whilst being clear that your DH has boundaries and if he has a prior engagement he is going to stick to that.

AnotherEmma · 18/09/2022 08:23

Not out of character at all.
Not your responsibility or within your power to fix it at all.
She will not apologise, and if DH hasn't spoken to her, it's probably because he knows there is little point.
Read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward, and don't contact her. Don't allow her to see your children without you or DH being present, either.

Hoppinggreen · 18/09/2022 08:29

CreatedaProblem · 17/09/2022 22:01

I should add - it was massively out of character for her . We usually get on fine so it was really a shock

my mil did similar. Up until that point I would have said we have a very good relationship
I have had a (non) apology and have now decided that I am just done with her. No hate or anger or anything (on my part) , I am just done.
I leave everything relating to her to DH
I see no need for me to say or do anything and if you don’t want to you don’t either

Hopeandlove · 18/09/2022 08:33

J0y · 17/09/2022 22:07

Wow. I''d just do nothing. I mean, you don't have to do a full on no contact. Card on her birthday, if you cross paths, talk about the weather...

But I wouldn't be working on repairing a relationship with somebody who told me to go fuck myself. I'd be reminding myself to protect my self from more the same.

This

do it once and they think it’s ok to behave like that and next time they can do what they like

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