I'm a fucking idiot.

[Lwren]

I'm broke atm, few days before payday but I have all I need.
On a local fb group a woman posted saying she'd left an abuser and had no nappies or formula.
I sent her my last 20 quid.
Shes blocked me. Even the online banking app kept saying it was a scam as names didn't match, but all I could think was a poor scared abused woman and baby. Anyway she blocked me almost immediately. So obviously a scam.
I have done this so much, my first day using twitter I bought a young mum a pizza. I'm good with money regarding making sure my children have everything, but so much pulls on my heart strings and as opposed to just scrolling, I feel the urge to throw my money at them.
I'm sure I'll grow the fuck up one day.
But every time I get scammed I just feel fucking stupid.
The logical response is - stop fucking doing it. But then I worry about people. Years ago I had to walk different routes because the homeless people would know me by name and I'd end up spending so much money I really couldn't afford on drinks and food for them.
I'm not as soft now, but I've still got work to do. I'm not sure why I've posted.
Maybe someone with common sense can rip me a new hole and stop me doing such stupid shit.

One thing to remember is that the people posting about their situation online usually aren't the ones most in need of help. If they're happy doing that then they're probably used to being given help and free stuff. The one's who wouldn't dare ask will be the ones struggling at home in silence, getting on with it alone as they always have done because they're not the type to ask for help.

You sound a lot like my sister, who has been a people pleaser and doormat for years and is finally learning that it's ok to have boundaries and assert them. It's been really frustrating watching people take advantage of her for years.

It might not be relevant to you, but she has quite severe OCD and it partly manifests in this way. She is overly concerned about everybody else's safety and gets into an absolute state worrying about far fetched things happening to strangers. She seems to think that it's her responsibility to keep everyone safe and look out for them to the point that it ruins things for her and ruins things for her family as she keeps asking for reassurance about what she should do in situations which really don't need her interference. Then she gets herself involved and doesn't know how to deal with it.

She's now on medication and had some ongoing therapy which has been really useful. I've noticed a change for the better.

You need to try figure out why you are repeating it. We only got things repeatedly because that action does something for us.

Could be any of the following: -

1 - Feel good factor - do you get a buzz from helping?

2 - Anxiety - does it stop you worrying?

3 - Rescue complex - do you feel there are situations I'm the past where you couldn't help someone or yourself & feel an urge to do it now instead

4 - Misplaced gratitude- have people helped you in the past & you want to repay others cos you can't repay those that helped you

5 - Drama - you are addicted to the positive or helping and then beating yourself up afterwards

Something is driving the behaviour that you know is irrational & illogical. You can't stop it until you realise why you are doing it.

You have to examine what you are getting out of this. Why do you do this rather than donate to a charity?

You are getting some kind of emotional hit out of it (like people do from alcohol or food or shopping), because otherwise you wouldn't prioritise doing this over your children.

Giving away money you haven't got rather than using it for your family really isn't OK. I know it's not your intention, but it's selfish behaviour the same as if you were spending too much of your money on takeaways or booze.

Other than this have a rule that you simply don't give individuals money, ever.

If you want to set up a £5 monthly donation to the Trussell Trust, do that. But only if you can actually afford it.

You aren't an idiot. Clearly a very caring person who is a magnet for scheming arseholes.

Maybe pick a charity and every month donate to them, homeless/domestic abuse charity? Or buy a few extra tins of food in your food shop and pop them in the food bank. That way, you'll know you've done some good and it's going to those who truly deserve.

X

Another thing with my sister was hammering home that what she was doing wasn't really 'nice'. She seemed to have this need to be seen as nice or at least not seen as a bad person. It seemed that the worst thing would be if people thought she was a bad person.

But her idea of 'nice' was only nice in a very specific way or to one specific person. It's not nice to give more than you can (in terms of time or emotionally in my sisters case) and then spend ages talking it all over/ranting/stressing with your family repeatedly. I don't think she could see what an effect she was having on everyone else around her. Multiple phone calls every day at her worst. So she felt that she was supporting a friend, but then everybody else was very drained dealing with the aftermath of it. She couldn't see that but her niceness had a very selfish element to it. It was completely unintentional and she couldn't see it at the time, but she really needed to reframe things in her mind and see the bigger picture.

@RandomMusings7 sorry can't tag everyone who asked.
My children was entrenched with domestic violence and addiction to alcohol from my parents.
I don't get a buzz from helping, if anything it can cause more anxiety.
I can't describe it, I suppose dread comes over me, imagining women with babies returning to abuse due to lack of money.
But I do agree, that aside, I've been fucking stupid.
It's not an addiction to help but most definitely a compulsion if I'm honest with myself.
I do know this is reaction from trauma, so I understand why I do it.
I just don't want to.
I want to turn off and think, "sorry not my fucking problem", but I can't. I'll literally persecute myself for not doing something to help.
And I know I sound fucking thick doing this, but I think, what if the person saying it is genuine.
This isn't the half of it, I think I need to talk to my GP, after lockdown, all the horror stories of dead children or more domestic abuse has almost set me back. And those saying no fb etc you're right. I'm not a person for those things and I am just going to make myself sick worrying "what if" when I don't respond to scams.

@Plet thank you for sharing that's genuinely useful to read x

What difference does it make whether it was a scam or not? You're in the same position you would have been anyway ie giving away money you can't afford to give away.

If you're giving money away like that regularly it seems like a compulsion almost like gambling except without the winnings..

what if the person saying it is genuine.

East to test the waters- don't give them money but point them in the direction where they can get long term help from an organisation.

See how they respond...if they just want money they are scammers.

Don't be so hard on yourself @Lwren and ignore the horrible/ignorant posts

I worked in social care for decades because I thought I had to help people. It nearly killed me. It was I now see partly a reaction to abuse I suffered as a child.

The reality is that there are numerous organisations out there to help people. You don't go on fb to ask for money, you speak to friends family and support organisations if you're genuine. That's my take on it anyway.
Next time maybe advise them to call a helpline or better still, scroll past.

Put yourself first, always! For some people this is really hard, especially if you were raised to feel guilty a lot, or that family problems were your fault. It might stem from your childhood that you feel compelled to be 'good' and are not deserving of the same good treatment from others.

In a nutshell, don't give your last £20 to anyone, especially since that amount buys about 1 pint of beer, a block of cheese and a tub of butter!

There are worse things to be than tender-hearted, OP.

You're not an idiot but probably too trusting. You need a healthy dose of cynicism!

Give yourself a new rule/mantra which is simply: 'I will not send money to people I do not know unless I have the means and I know their story is true'.

I used to send money to a lovely lady I met while on a work trip overseas. She came from a very impoverished situation and had terrible health problems so I wanted to help. Over the years we lost touch, her number went dead and I wondered if maybe sadly she'd died.

After about 5 years, I got a sudden text from her but from a new number, but something about it felt 'off'. She referred to me as 'ma'am/madam' instead of my name and was hinting heavily for money (she'd never done that before!). We swopped a few messages and I said I'd love to video chat but she was very resistant to that. Every message was a hint for money which is not something the lady I had known would have ever done.

I came to the conclusion I was talking to someone else and decided to not send any cash. I would have helped her in a heartbeat (if it was her!) but I'm very wary of getting scammed. Sadly, I never found out what happened to her.

You asked for robust replies and advice.

You’ve run out of money before payday.

Therefore you don’t have lots of money and are living pretty much hand to mouth.

You have no idea what energy prices/cost of living etc is going to mean for your budget which is already tight.

If you keep being gullible and stupid, you WILL get to a point soon (especially coming into an expensive winter) where your children ARE going without because their mum has done another bank transfer to a scammer.

STOP

Set up a monthly direct debit for a small affordable amount to a homeless charity. Then don't give cash to anyone, ever.

No more social media. Or else lock it down so all you see are posts from your friends. No newsfeeds.

Things your kids could do with in the future to make their lives easier:
1 parents who can afford to retire so that your kids aren’t worried about your finances and having to contribute
2 a house deposit
3 university expenses.

You’ve acknowledged that you do this for the emotional feeling it gives you and I think you’re definitely onto something there. I’d also do some reading to try and work out what that is and how you can change your thinking. Do this instead of being on social media
Best of luck OP.

So people are being very harsh, but your new rule to live by is that genuine people do not beg on Facebook. They’d be far too embarrassed and it’s just not something decent people do.

It's worth warning you there are a LOT of these beggars on Mumsnet, so make a rule right now not to send money to anybody on here. You'll see threads like "Have 23p left and I've run out of formula" and just remember it's likely another scam.

If it makes you feel any better OP, just this morning I was watching a tv programme about a woman in America who gave her online 'lover' over a million dollars! Obviously he was a sophisticated scammer who was pretending to be some guy being held hostage somewhere by a rogue employer or something who wanted cash to release him. It was proven to her on the show that this person was lying about everything he'd told her but an update at the end said that she ignored it and continued to give him more cash ($250k!) after selling her home and is now homeless & completely broke. (Yet STILL believes this man is real!)

So you could have lost a lot more!

OP im like you, it was a real issue when I lived in London, it was as if anyone looking to scam could sniff out that. I would be an easy target, I'd be approached constantly, and would invariable give them money/food/cigarettes through a combination of feeling really awful for them and finding it hard to spot 'scam' red flags.

I think redirecting the urge to help is the only thing you can do, budget a set amount to give to charity each month and volunteer/campaign if you have the time.

Apart from on mumsnet, and I feel fairly confident spotting those, I have never come across anyone online with a sob story or begging post. I just don't really use any groups/ platforms where that kind of thing would come up. So maybe you could consider how you use social media and try leaving/ hiding/ unfollowing any groups or individuals where you feel you would be likely to come across this kind of thing. Or maybe just have a social media break altogether.

The suggestions to give to specific charities or donate to food banks etc are good ones. If you honestly can afford to. Volunteering may also be good- but depending on what you do, for example if it's a role working with the public/ vulnerable people you may find yourself in a position to be manipulated again, or tempted to give more than you can actually spare whether that be time/ money.

Definitely look into what services there are in your area to support people struggling and particularly to support women and children escaping from violence as that seems to be a particular trigger for you. That way you can both support the service however you can, helping them to be able to help more people- and signpost anyone who seems in need to those services. As an example, there is a charity called Early Essentials in my area which supports pregnant women and those with newborns in difficult or vulnerable situations - may be refugees, in poverty but most often they are escaping violent partners. They provide a moses basket filled with nappies, wipes, clothes, toiletries, maternity pads etc and also work with the local health services to source and provide other items as needed. I donated most of my DD's baby stuff to them and buy items regularly for their wish list. There may be something similar near you, or a charity which passes on older children's clothes and uniform for example. Or you could contact a local women's shelter and ask if there are any items you could donate. That way you are still helping but know your help is actually going where it is needed.

OP, sorry to hear that you've experienced this and thanks to everyone who has posted with advice on the thread.

Now feels like a good time to remind folk on here that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong.

We've compiled some useful links posted by Mumsnetters into a financial issues webguide so that people experiencing difficulties can find all the relevant information in one place.

Given your backgroud coming from such an unstable family that you probably felt you needed to keep together, it's entirely understandable that you have this urge to fix everyone's problems.

Try to remind yourself of this when you are tempted.

And therapy maybe?

Ask yourself this- if a stranger came up to you in the street and asked for £20,would you give it them? Just because they're on social media doesn't make them any less a stranger. My Mum almost got caught out by a banking scam- ringing her and telling her that someone had tried to clone her card so they'd send someone round for it. I told her it was a scam, she was convinced it wasn't.......so I said the same to her; if a stranger in the street asked for hour bank card would you give it to them? No? So why is someone on the phone any different?