I'm a fucking idiot.

[Lwren]

I'm broke atm, few days before payday but I have all I need.
On a local fb group a woman posted saying she'd left an abuser and had no nappies or formula.
I sent her my last 20 quid.
Shes blocked me. Even the online banking app kept saying it was a scam as names didn't match, but all I could think was a poor scared abused woman and baby. Anyway she blocked me almost immediately. So obviously a scam.
I have done this so much, my first day using twitter I bought a young mum a pizza. I'm good with money regarding making sure my children have everything, but so much pulls on my heart strings and as opposed to just scrolling, I feel the urge to throw my money at them.
I'm sure I'll grow the fuck up one day.
But every time I get scammed I just feel fucking stupid.
The logical response is - stop fucking doing it. But then I worry about people. Years ago I had to walk different routes because the homeless people would know me by name and I'd end up spending so much money I really couldn't afford on drinks and food for them.
I'm not as soft now, but I've still got work to do. I'm not sure why I've posted.
Maybe someone with common sense can rip me a new hole and stop me doing such stupid shit.

I can back this up

ive been homeless years ago and you would never have caught me begging-id rather have staved (and did go very hungry at times)

I used to live in York-it’s a big city with a lot of beggars

I was once stood chatting to a friend in the street and a well known beggar came stomping up behind us and loudly told his mate ‘it’s fucking shite mate,I’ve only earned £300 in the last hour’

£300 in an hour-I work full time and earn £9.85 an hour-and I don’t get to sit down and am always running around with arthritis in my left knee,so am in agony all the time

his got shot up his arms-he was found dead a few years later

@MrsWooster I really don't need it validating I'm nice.
I just wanted to get it off my chest and seeing others have also like me, been overly involved with things and have learnt.

OK you need boundaries but you also need a plan so scenario one someone is on Facebook begging for food etc you DONT send money you send them details to the food bank or a local church/temple etc where they can get food our council tax officers for example do free food boxes for emergency no referral they just give you food if you need it

Scenario two homeless people begging your absolutely right to change your route to avoid them keep 50p in loose change in your pocket to hand over should you get caught out and cannot control yourself never open your purse you will feel obliged to give more

I know people say the freedom program is for people who have been abused but it teaches so much more and you can do it online maybe take the time to work on yourself?

Good luck as a doormat myself I can empathise with your position

It was just what I call my "fannying around" money.

well why start a thread on mumsnet describing it as your “last £20” and very much conveying the impression that you’re now on the bones of your arse and very upset by the situation

I don’t see it as “nice” at all.

you had very limited funds
you have 3 young children
you sent money to a stranger on social media when you could have spent that £20 towards getting an even better winter coat for one child than you would otherwise budgeted for, for example.

Did you read the OP? She does this regularly and never learns her lesson.

OP you need to stay off social media and commit to never giving money to someone that you don’t know.

I used to be a bit like this op. Right down to feeling like a mug after I'd fallen for a sob story.

That last £20 goes in a pot for 'future you', so when you need it, it's there for you and your kids. Who knows, maybe even a treat rather than essentials?

You can be responsible for how you act, but you can't do it for other people. You behaved kindly. She behaved badly. That isn't your fault.
You did a nice thing.
All you can do is keep an eye out for tells so that you feel less foolish the next time you are kind, and never give more than you can afford to lose.

I think it's hard to understand because you weren't face to face with this person & put on the spot.

Your bank warned you but you carried on-that is almost impossible to understand tbh!

Perhaps I'm too cynical but I don't really get the concept of handing money to strangers.

You’re not an idiot, you’re incredibly empathetic and generous. Unfortunately though there are a lot of scumbags out there and from now I would refrain from sending money to ANYBODY you do not know.

It wasn't a nice thing though,it was a stupid thing. It's nice the first time and stupid if you keep doing it!

Thing is, you know you are stupid. The bank TOLD you it was a scam. But i think your definition of last £20, and mine are 2 different things. I would never give it away. Learn your lesson here. Bad people will tell the worst lies to get what they want

You have a good heart but people will keep trampling over you if you don't stop and think before doing these things.

@Doingprettywellthanks I've said that we have everything we need and that the money wasn't needed for anything else. It was the last til I'm paid. I feel stupid for spending it, but my children won't miss it.

You said this after we found out you have 3 young children.

re read your op. Does that strike you as someone who isnt very much in financial difficulties and very anxious about it?

but now? It was just “fannying about money” “money for treats”

as I say. Re read YOUR OP

Your actions came from a good place but try to remember by giving people money, on demand, it is a short term solution.

Also when you feed money to scammers you are enabling them to continue scamming others. So £20 might be fine for you to lose but what about a pensioner who is struggling to heat their home.

So appreciate you think you are helping but what you are actually doing is harming others who you cannot see.

Help out at charities, educate yourself on how scammers operate, and make sure any money you give is towards a long term solution.

How big are your savings though?

What if your car/fridge/washer/whatever breaks down today? Are you covered for emergencies too?

How many more of these £20 bills have you wasted in similar circumstances? How many days out or treats for your kids would that money have paid for?

What you are doing is not altruistic. I'd argue it's downright selfish. You are wasting that money simply to quiet your own anxiety and misplaced guilt. You know you are not helping out. The app outright told you it was a scam. But you chose to turn off the rational part of your brain and indulge your feelings instead.

As a mother of 3, including 2 special needs kid, that i a very very poor allocation of resources and priorities

General rule for money posts of Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Mumsnet (basically all social media platforms) is that if some is alluding to or outright claiming abject poverty - they're full of shit. You will get people tell you there are genuine beggars, but it's not true.

Please stay off here from now til February. We're about to be subjected to the Christmas and skint-January begging posts, usually disguised with the footnote "I'm not asking for anyone to send me money" knowing damn well some kind hearted soul will DM them and offer it.

Basically, stay away from any posts that discuss someone in financial crisis.

You seem like a kind, caring and generous woman, OP.

You want to help others in distress. But you need to find a different way to channel that.

Adding a couple of things to your food shopping to put in the food bank trolley on your way out of the shop, set up a regular donation to a charity close to your heart, maybe even find a volunteer role if you can fit it in. Find some other way to help.

I think that regarding Facebook "pleas' for cash as suspicious, or outright scams, is quite a healthy thing nowadays.

I would hazard a guess that you keep doing it because it makes you feel good about yourself.

There's no such thing (imo) as a completely selfless act.

When you give these people money, you enjoy the feeling it gives you about yourself. The reinforcement that you are a good, nice, kind person.

And that's ok. It's what you call a win-win situation.

But you can be those things without getting ripped off.

Donate to food banks. Local charities. Volunteer your time. Etc.

Yeah you're an idiot

Thank you all, for comments and input. I've been stupid and honestly fucking selfish. You're right, thank you. It's needed saying for years and hearing it from strangers has helped.

The other thing you can do if you want to give is pop some chocolate or sweets on emergency service vehicles or just a note saying something (hit the ambulance gamers group on FB). Sometimes I pay for the order for the person behind me in the drive through

Basic rule of thumb to go by is give to those that don't ask for money directly. Buy from charity shops, donate to the food back, support woman's aid etc but do not listen to the 'give me money requests'. They are 100% a scam.

I've been stupid and honestly fucking selfish

@Lwren you have not! And you talking yourself down like this throughout the thread is part of the problem. You are a wonderful person full of love.

I am a bit like you - for me, discovering the term ‘codependent personality’ has been a revelation.

At the root of it all is low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness, to the point where you put others before yourself and have a problem with boundaries.

I have started schema therapy (type of psychotherapy) which has been a big help

psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-signs-of-codependency#dependent-on-others-or-codependent