I'm a fucking idiot.

[Lwren]

I'm broke atm, few days before payday but I have all I need.
On a local fb group a woman posted saying she'd left an abuser and had no nappies or formula.
I sent her my last 20 quid.
Shes blocked me. Even the online banking app kept saying it was a scam as names didn't match, but all I could think was a poor scared abused woman and baby. Anyway she blocked me almost immediately. So obviously a scam.
I have done this so much, my first day using twitter I bought a young mum a pizza. I'm good with money regarding making sure my children have everything, but so much pulls on my heart strings and as opposed to just scrolling, I feel the urge to throw my money at them.
I'm sure I'll grow the fuck up one day.
But every time I get scammed I just feel fucking stupid.
The logical response is - stop fucking doing it. But then I worry about people. Years ago I had to walk different routes because the homeless people would know me by name and I'd end up spending so much money I really couldn't afford on drinks and food for them.
I'm not as soft now, but I've still got work to do. I'm not sure why I've posted.
Maybe someone with common sense can rip me a new hole and stop me doing such stupid shit.

I have 3 kids 🙈
They have their food in cupboards, activities all arranged and paid for etc, it was just my, "if I wanna get them ice creams" kind of spends and I feel ridiculous for spending it.

Everyone being so kind thank you and those being more firm thank you also, I'm going to save the replies and really learn from it.

I do donate food banks, I have actually had counselling over worrying about people, I once took a homeless man home to help him warm up (Prior to having children, I'd never now!) I've obviously got some deep rooted work to do on myself, because I can't keep doing it, as pointed out, not everyone is sincere and I need to get a fucking grip.

Things like this always make me think of Howard's End and the bit where Margaret explains why they'd rather let a stranger into their home and risk him stealing something than not-

"Yes, I think the apostle spoons could have gone as rent," said Margaret.
Seeing that her aunt did not understand, she added: "You remember 'rent.' It was one of father's words--Rent to the ideal, to his own faith in human nature.
You remember how he would trust strangers, and if they fooled him he would say, 'It's better to be fooled than to be suspicious'--that the confidence trick is the work of man, but the want-of-confidence-trick is the work of the devil."

And also her Aunt's response-

"I remember something of the sort now," said Mrs. Munt, rather tartly, for she longed to add, "It was lucky that your father married a wife with money."

Something to be said for both points of view, I think. You've been a Margaret Schlegel this time, maybe next time you will be more of a Mrs Munt.

You were taken advantage of.

However, you did this. you knew it could be a scam, your bank told you it was a scam.

Seriously , stop leaving yourself short at the end of the month - keep something back for savings, treats or emergencies within your own family. You are not a saviour and don’t need to be.

Oh I'm like this OP. I used to have a homeless man wait outside my work for me at lunch time because he was used to me buying him lunch. I've reined it in now I've had a baby 🤦🏼‍♀️

"I'm good with money regarding making sure my children have everything"

That can't be true since you're broke and giving away money that could be a safety net for your kids to a scammer. All those saying "that woman is scum" etc. You do realise that these professional scammers work from offices, in teams. It's very lucrative.

Your bank even warned you ffs. Just stop. New rule, never donate any money unless it is to a registered charity that are well known to you.

I like this approach.

I can understand WHY you did it because emotionally, it tugs on your heart strings especially when kids are involved BUT never ever ever send money to anyone appealing online no matter how sad the story is. If you want to be a giver, give to charities.

Yes, it was a stupid thing to do but you meant well. Make a mental note not to do it again. Think of the £20 as a payment for a crash course in wisening up. Yabvu though to use the expression "rip me a new hole". That is vile.

I’ve done the same thing
a friend put up a begging post on behalf of a friend saying they didn’t have enough money for their babies headstone and could people help?
my children and I raided our copper jar-went to a lot of trouble to change it into notes and sent it
i can’t remember the details now but it was a scam and they spent it on a piss up
£70 down the drain-I was a single mum myself at the time
lesson learnt-I never ever give nor lend to anyone (apart from my kids)

(the kids still think we helped towards a headstone for a dead baby-they don’t know that it never existed but I’ve drilled it into them now to never to give away money they can afford to lose)

The money was mine, my pocket money, the kids have everything, I even have savings for them.
It was just what I call my "fannying around" money. But you're right, it's my last bit of spending money til I'm paid. So yeah, I have been a total fucking idiot and honestly this has to be the last time. I think it's why I posted, I need people who are assertive etc to call me out. It is totally me. It's also not fair on my partner that I do this with our money.
It's more a feeling of guilt if I don't help, and relief if I can. I don't ever feel nice about it, it's such a weird emotion. I just feel, "could you do more?" Thank you for replying x

I grew up in a small town, no beggars, some people busking.

And apart from the local mosque no one used really knock on door asking for money. My dad was really bad with this, whenever we did get someone he would always give them money at the door.

Anyway for university I went o the local big city.

People asking for money on every corner.
I would just keep giving and giving. Eventually as a student with not much money myself you have to learn how to deal with this.

Eyes straight and just keep walking. I dont give at the door, my justification is- anyone I want to support I already am. I still cant believe in my first year at Uni I gave a chugger on the street my debit card details.

Yes

A random person on the street- and I gave them my bank details to set up a direct debit- never again.

Once at the bus station in the centre of the city, there was a guy looking distressed asking for change so he could catch a bus to see his wife at the maternity hospital who had just given birth. I gave him enough for the bus fair. On my way back after I'd done my shopping, he was still there asking for money.

The worst one, which made me decide I would never open my purse on the street.

My mum who was in her 60's. Two young teens asked her for money for a bus fair to get home. My mum has hip problems and poor mobility and walks with a stick.

She took her puse out of her hand bag, and the kids tried to snatch her purse and run off with it.

I would never open my purse on the street. It is just not worth it.

You just need practice.

Go into any big city and walk down some busy roads, and practice ignoring the people trying to get your attention be they chugger. It's the only way.

Rather than try and stop yourself wanting to help, which is admirable, think of it from the other side - even if every single person who says they're in need is genuine then what you're doing is teaching them only people who ask get helped and that they should trust unvetted strangers (not that there's anything wrong with you but there will be someone with horrible motives). This in itself is a bad pattern to set, it would be better for them to seek help from organisations who, if funded well by kind people like you, can provide ongoing safe support.

@LosttheremoteAGAIN thanks for sharing, that's so so horrific. I don't know how people can be so desperate for money to lie about a dead baby. 🥺

I dont mean to be rude but you are stupid... your not even just naive/gullible because your fully aware your being scammed and still doing it.

Also those people AREN'T homeless, homeless people don't beg. I have been homeless and homeless people survive by NOT being seen, you would not recognise or spot and ACTUAL homeless person we blend in seemlessly and hide when vunerable (like sleeping).

I however knew lots of beggers, everyone last one of them had a home and some form of addiction (most commonly alcohol), they make a FORTUNE begging, its litrally can be on par with full time job salary + they claim benefit and dont pay tax - it simply a scam.

But then people try to tell me a person that spent 3 years on the streets and actually personally knows that begger they just gave £20 too that I'm 'cold hearted', 'privilaged' and 'don't understand' if I try to give them warning lol.

My MIL does this all the time. I think it comes from a good place because she has had difficult times in her life and feels empathy for others plus a panic that she might be in that situation. She is also quite religious and believes that God will judge her if she isn't kind and generous.

It makes her a complete liability to her children though because she keeps nothing back to support herself. Giving her handouts actually makes things worse because she makes even less of an effort to support herself and focusses even more on other people. I suspect that this is also the case for some of the people she gives money to...

My suggestion would be to get involved in supporting a charity that supports people you care about helping. Maybe donate old things to their shops and help with fundraising? Then keep your money for your own children and ignore the scammers and beggars safe in the knowledge that you are doing your bit to make the world a better place?

You keep making excuses and saying your children have everything etc. They DON'T, they will need that money later on when they're older, you are giving away money you could use for them. Remind yourself if that if you're ever tempted again.

One minute you say you are “broke” and it was your “last £20” now suddenly it was just “pocket money” and you have loads in savings, which one is it 🙄

What was your childhood like, @Lwren ?

This saviour complex and feeling responsible for fixing everyone's woes is usually a learned pattern stemming from childhood as a coping mechanism.

Were you responsible when your parents weren't doing enough adulting (emotionally immature, addiction issues)? Were you put in charge of younger siblings? Were you only appreciated when you went out of your way to make yourself useful to others? Were you the responsible, wise-beyond-they-years kid of the family?

If you want to break the pattern you first have to figure out how you got stuck in it in the first place

It was a long time ago-I’m vague on the details as I still feel such a fool but my friend swore there was a baby,but I think they’d lost bubs at such an early stage,it wasn’t classed as a stillbirth so they didn’t need a funeral

I do know they went out and got pissed rather than my money going towards a headstone-they didn’t just con me-there was a few that got caught out by them

they where not desperate-they where scum and from what I could gather,very good at conning money from well meaning people

they are very good at it|it’s what they do

Help out with a charity if you want to help people.

I've also been homeless! I had a job though, just had no home.
Honestly you're right and I need to never do it again. Ever.

Ah I'm not remotely religious or feel there's any wings awaiting me etc, I just feel shitty otherwise.

This has opened up my eyes, thank you x

Just don’t do it-your post has a slight air of “I did a silly thing but please tell me I’m nice..”.
If you want to help others, give regularly to a food bank or established charity.

You need to delete all social media if you can't trust yourself to stop putting strangers before your own children.

If you do ever get sucked in in future offer to buy the goods and drop them off. Don't just give money.

Generally someone who has left an abuser isn't going to post on their local Facebook page.

You really need to just not do this! i would say at least 50% of these people are just chancing their luck! You need to learn to either ignore these posts or direct them to a local food bank, refuge etc. If they are genuine, they will be able to access the help they need from them. keep your money for you and your children.