The mental burden of personal grooming

[AdamAntlers]

Just wanted to see if anyone else could relate, as I feel quite alone in this at times. I find it such a mental load/ cost to just be adequately groomed.

i think it must be related to the fact that we had absolutely zero personal grooming growing up. My poor DM was severely depressed, DF was absent. Although DM was wealthy, we barely brushed teeth, ever went to the dentist, basic washes with one soap all over etc. my poor Dm didn’t use sunscreen, moisturiser, make up, deodorant etc. I had to make a very conscious effort to change, partially as I work in a role which requires me to look credible and also I’m hoping a role model will make things easier for my DD.

im just so overwhelmed by the masses of stuff needed to be just basically presentable. I can’t imagine how much time people who are considered ‘well groomed’ spend on personal grooming.

My mother was really beautiful and just brushed her hair and teeth so I didn't think it's related to how you're brought up.

I am not so blessed but I just shower every day, teeth and moisture before been . I wear mascara and lipstick and a dab of foundation which takes not even 5 mins.

Is it the basics you're struggling with?

I have found this to be the case since I became a mother for some reason, I imagine because I don't have the same amount of free time and less disposable income and my concept of well groomed has changed now I have other people to care for. Trying to maintain the same level of grooming I had pre kids is just impossible and too much of a mental load to consider - I also got resentful that my DH doesn't have to do half of it!

This is interesting. What is it that you’re regularly doing or not doing?

The only occasion in my life when I have been fully groomed was on my wedding day. It's such a pain in the arse! It makes me think of Bridget Jones where she describes it as like being a farmer - there is always a field to tend to, it's never "job done".

For me the basics I manage every day are teeth cleaned morning and night and face washed before I go to bed. Deodorant in the morning. I shave my legs in the shower about once a week and wash my hair when I get a chance. I do have two small DC so I'm hoping it gets easier in time.

You've probably picked up your DM's attitude to grooming, OP, and it's leaving you feeling overwhelmed.

Grooming is mostly in the preparation. It's not doing a full face of slap everyday; it's booking your next haircut while you're at the hairdresser, decluttering your wardrobe twice a year, painting your nails in front of the TV, having one evening a week where you bath, shave your legs, deep-condition your hair, have a face pack, etc. It's cleansing your skin every night and applying moisturiser every morning. Little tiny things, but regularly.

Honestly, if I were you I'd examine where the need to be "groomed" comes from. All you need to be is clean and tidy, and all that takes is shampoo/conditioner, body wash & deodorant.

You don't need make up, hair products, hair cuts, nails, lashes, brows, etc etc - all of those things which put additional strain on you logistically, it's all optional. Give yourself permission to let it go!

I don't see it as personal grooming, rather self-care.

15 minutes a day, shower, body scrub, body cream, teeth, face, cleanse, serum. sun-screen. Night routine is 5 mins. Teeth and face.

Hair I was one a week and do a mask in the bath, put a face mask on at the same time.

Once a fortnight beautician for mani-ped, eyebrow and lower leg wax. That's it!

It doesn't take that long. 20 mins a day, 1 hour bath weekly and 1.5 hours a fortnight with my beautician.

17 hours a month!

Hygienist every 12 weeks and dentist every 6 months.

I do think it's important to like yourself and deem yourself worthy of care.

And motherhood isn't a state of sumsumation. I tell my children that it's really important to centre yourself in your own life. You are important, you matter, you are absolutely at the centre of your own existence.

If you care for yourself first, you can then care for others from a very healthy place. Which makes giving easy, you have the mental space to do that.

It sounds as though you weren't taught to do that @AdamAntlers. If you've got the cash, therapy would be very helpful. If not, just take 10 minutes a day, find a routine of self-care, look after and value yourself.

Teeth, face, body, hair, mind.

I'm with you! It's so hard!

I've had some success with the less is more approach.

The less product you use in your hair, the less you need to wash it.

I've developed some low effort routines.
My hair is styled so it needs no maintenance beyond a daily brush and occasional wash.
I use led gel on my nails, so that's 20+mins once a fortnight while I read a book. Pretty easy, and always look good.
I try and dye my brows monthly, but it's actually more very now and then.
I wear eyeliner and lipstick daily.

It's hard work though! I'm trying to schedule things in so I don't need to think about them.
Some days, the basic essentials don't happen- but I only have to go out to walk the dog so it's not the end of the world.

Is it that you have been fooled into thinking that you need to be doing too many things additional things like body polishing, hair straightening and contouring to look presentable op or are you just struggling to keep yourself clean, brushed and nails trimmed etc?

I can relate to this. My mum was shit at remembering to shower more than monthly etc. The “what problem what are you trying to do that’s hard?” responses on here just remind me of when I was at school and the other girls just could NOT comprehend that I don’t have white peoples hair and a fucking bottle of pantene won’t make me look like them. From lack of understanding came the name calling.
I didn’t understand it either because I was brought up thinking I was white with unusual features until I found out about my real dad.
I’m also neurodivergent and basic grooming is harder to orchestrate due to that as well. I am usually about to leave the house before I realise I should have showered or washed a bra in the last 24-48 hours.

What helps me is a morning and night time routine that’s completely inflexible and never skipped. Here’s what my grooming routine looks like in case it helps: I get up, I brush my teeth, wash my face, slap on some cream and then brush hair and I leave visual cues by the sink so I can find everything for these tasks without having to search or remember anything. At night I do the same. When I was pregnant I managed to get in a daily shower every morning but it fell by the wayside a bit and I need to bring that back and baby is 9 months old. 🤦‍♀️ When I wash my hair (weekly, or twice weekly in summer) I style it after drying and leave it alone until I wash it again. Oh and I shampoo then put the conditioner on first as soon as I get in the shower and leave it until the end to wash out so it has the most time to work.

HI OP, I'm also a minimal grooming, natural gal in a professional role, and I know many others too. My very basic grooming consists of haircut once every six months, keeping leg-hairs in check with an epilator, just mascara and a bit of lip gloss most days. No hair colour (going grey gracefully - am late 40s), no foundation, no mani-pedi, no lashes etc.

HOWEVER, these are the things I do as routine as I consider them a matter of health and hygiene: wash face every morning and apply a light moisturiser; teeth twice a day, floss once a week and annual visit to dentist for check-up and scale & polish; shower and wash hair every other day (also shave under arms every time); daily roll-on; keep nails and toe nails clean, trimmed and filed; sunscreen when out in sun for extended time.

I also eat healthy, try to drink enough water, exercise regularly and keep my weight in check.

I really don't think you need to be groomed to the nines to look the professional part. There are many natural ladies like me out there. It's a matter of style. Health and hygiene, however, are non-negotiable though.

... and brusing my hair of course. On a rare occasion I'll style it a little for going out etc. I wear a simple shoulder length bob.

I'm with the above poster - health and hygiene first. I'm a low effort person. I shower every night, wash my face and moisturise, then teeth. Morning, I brush teeth, wash face, moisturise, deodorant and dress, and I'm out the house after breakfast.
I don't paint my nails but I do keep them filed short for my job (dressmaker, gotta be practical). I won't need a haircut for a year thanks to an overenthusiastic hairdresser shaving my head a few weeks ago. I have very little body hair thanks to a crappy thyroid but I'd shave underarms and legs if and when needed.
Mascara only, and not every day.
I do keep my clothes clean and we'll repaired. Smelly clothes and missing buttons etc are way more impactful, IMHO, than whether you choose to wear makeup or not. Cleanliness is key. Everything else is window dressing, fun but not necessary (in my life, anyway).

im just so overwhelmed by the masses of stuff needed to be just basically presentable

You really don't need masses of stuff.
Just stick to basics:

Soap
Facial cleanser
Facial moisturiser with sunscreen
Body moisturiser (optional)
Shampoo
Conditioner
A regular hair cut
Regular dental visits

Some of the lists you see on S & B on mumsnet beggar belief. I'm of the opinion that less is more.

Things like body scrubs, make up, serums, toners etc are optional.

What's it got to do with being black or white though? Surely it's just about not understanding that not everyone has the same skin or hair? I can't relate when people say it's easy to wash your hair and shave your legs once a week. Those are both daily tasks for me (or were before laser hair removal!) It used to take so long just to get to an "acceptable " level of grooming. It IS overwhelming for a lot of people.

I'm very much a 'less is more' woman @RampantIvy.

I don't denigrate women for whom 'more is more' though.

It's about confidence. It takes confidence to be Less is More. And I have that, and clearly you do too. I do understand why hyper-groomers do what they do.

It comes down to balance. A healthy self-love. And that's not necessarily an easy thing.

I think you either have to have had a very steady upbringing or to have a set of circumstances that allow you to enjoy and value yourself.

True self-love and understanding one's worth isn't that easy or obvious. Hence all the S&B posts that you refer to.

I don't think that they're something to be derided, rather I'd like every woman to really enjoy their individual loveliness and see themselves worthy of care and compassion.

You see I’m struggling to see how these are little things. They take lots of time , effort and money.

hairdressers - if you get it coloured this takes about half a day (including travel ) and it’s at least 7 times a year. That’s 3.5 days a year plus the money.

Decluttering a wardrobe twice a year ( and doing repairs, taking this to be cleaned or the charity shop / recycling ) = 2 days.

If you don’t watch Tv, you have to take more time to do nails .

One whole evening a week to do more beauty things - what 3 hours ? So 12 hours / nearly 2 days a month.

So far that’s nearly 30 days a year. That’s more than my annual leave. And that’s not counting any of your daily tasks .

How is this not a big deal to you? You must have a a lot more free time and money that me .

im just so overwhelmed by the masses of stuff needed to be just basically presentable.

Brushed teeth, daily shower, clean, brushed hair. Moisturiser, sun screen. Doesn't need much.

@Delabruche, why is (or was) your body hair unacceptable?

That's absolutely societal.

Surely better to be happy, and accepting of your body-hair than to go to such lengths.

We don't se men so consumed with their body-hair.

(Adendum - I'm bisexual, and I like both women and men with natural body hair. It's much sexier to see a person at ease with themselves than someone who waxes like a mad thing).

Well obviously body hair should be acceptable but it's not for a lot of people. I couldn't wear my work uniform with very hairy legs without it drawing negative attention.

Minimise your routine to minimise the mental load. The basics are, shower and wash hair as needed. Clean teeth and face every day. Wash clothes as needed. Cut nails as needed. Everything else is a bonus.

I don't wear make up or nail polish, rarely go to the hairdressers, rarely use moisturiser or any other body creams or lotions (exception is sun cream when needed).

I don't look 'groomed' but I'm happy with how I look. it's personal choice as o how much or little you want to do.

If you find basic hygiene difficult and exhausting then there may be a mental health issue at play.

I'm sorry that your upbringing has obviously caused you to have a complex about grooming. But to be perfectly honest I think every woman should feel 'presentable' with the following:

Shower daily
Face wash
Hairbrush
Deodorant
Teeth brushed
Clean clothes

What more should be expected? It's a shame so many women feel they have to alter their natural appearance and that they're not acceptable as they are.

Missing the point of the thread somewhat, but try thinking of it this way!

@0live, yes, as I said it's 17 hours a month.

But it's just a job, a chore, things that need to be done.

I also swim for 12 hours a month and do pilates and yoga for 12 hours month.

I also lunch with friends for 12 hours a month.

That drills down to about four days a month that are entirely focused on me.

The rest is freely given.

Don't take any notice of these epic 'routines' you see on SM.

You need to be clean with hair brushed/combed. Make-up is entirely optional - I bother less and less with anything but the absolute basics as I'm not convinced a 'full face' actually improves looks.

Teeth, face, body, hair - cleaned. Done.

Would treating yourself to some gorgeous-smelling soaps and creams motivate you more? If you're only using a few things, why not make them fabulous?