The mental burden of personal grooming

[AdamAntlers]

Just wanted to see if anyone else could relate, as I feel quite alone in this at times. I find it such a mental load/ cost to just be adequately groomed.

i think it must be related to the fact that we had absolutely zero personal grooming growing up. My poor DM was severely depressed, DF was absent. Although DM was wealthy, we barely brushed teeth, ever went to the dentist, basic washes with one soap all over etc. my poor Dm didn’t use sunscreen, moisturiser, make up, deodorant etc. I had to make a very conscious effort to change, partially as I work in a role which requires me to look credible and also I’m hoping a role model will make things easier for my DD.

im just so overwhelmed by the masses of stuff needed to be just basically presentable. I can’t imagine how much time people who are considered ‘well groomed’ spend on personal grooming.

The older I get the more irritated I am with what is presented as 'basic care' and I say that as someone who is a make up wearer so slightly hypocritical. Not so long ago (if we wanted to) we plucked our eyebrows and painted our nails, now it's yet another thing that we are meant to go and 'get done' and at huge expense. The nail thing especially irks me as it seems like it's designed to stop women being creative with their hands , I particularly pick up on this as a potter so keep mine really short. Don't get me started on shaving every hair on our bodies too 🙄

I agree it is loads!

Yes if you’ve built up gradually and have been taught these habits by parents, like most people, it may not seem like much.

But going from zero grooming to “just” face wash, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, brush teeth, floss teeth, moisturise, dentist visits, hairdresser visits… That IS a lot.

And that’s without adding in other skincare, makeup, eyebrow plucking, body hair removal and all the other gazillion things women are expected to do.

It is a LOT of time and don’t even get me started on the money.

Yes! I can absolutely relate to this. My mother didn’t have depression but did very little grooming. And actively discouraged us from showering regularly or washing our hair. So much so, I used to get bullied at school for it.
But still for some reason I struggle massively with it even now. (Its not helped by the fact I suffered from hair loss now so I try to avoid my hair at all costs as it’s upsetting). I’m a mum now too and try to always have them Clean and well dressed, but it’s relentless with the baby and toddler and I’ve nothing left in me to do it for myself. I hate being like this.

why is it an expense to get your nails and brows tidy? I do my own. What is this obsession with manicures and gels? You can do your own nails. Pluck your own brows.

I totally agree.

She’s making almost exactly the same point as you, surely

As a woman I don't do most of that stuff and don't expect other women to either

Clean and tidy - yes ( wash, shampoo hair , brush teeth) ( deodorant in some situations)

Anything else is optional

Agreeing with PP, it is self care. You should regard yourself as worth taking care of. You don't have to get all dolled up but you do deserve things that make you feel good or even pampered. That might mean a pretty nail polish color or professional manicure, it might mean a shampoo with a delicious scent, it might mean hand made soap you bought on a fun trip to a farmers market. You are worth whatever time and money you want to spend on yourself. Especially if it makes you feel good. I recommend indulging in a fancy bath bomb every Sunday night as a starter.

@Boxowine

But some people like to look after themselves / do self care / spend their time and money / feel pampered / build their self esteem in other ways. Such as meeting friends, enjoying the outdoors, watching a box set or doing sports or hobbies.

For some reason it’s only women who are supposed to “ treat themselves “ by working on their appearance for the benefit of other people . Men get to treat themselves by going to the pub / out for a meal / a holiday / having fun.

I have never heard anyone say to a man

“ Well done on your promotion John. Why don’t you treat yourself to a nice night in filing the hard skin on your feet and exfoliating your legs? Perhaps even push the boat out and use a face mask for your blackheads. You can do the ironing while it dries. “

Im with the Op, it takes time, money and mental effort. I don’t know why it’s so hard for women just to admit this. Everyone seems desperate to convince themselves and others that’s it’s nothing while outlining a list of tasks that takes 20 hours a month .

I think I’m groomed, but I don’t wear makeup much and I don’t ever wear nail varnish. I put moisturiser on, brush my teeth, my hair, and that’s usually it. I think less is more. I cut my own hair but I don’t use treatments on it, or a hairdryer. I look quite “expensive”. I dress very well. I would never go to a salon or a spa. I’ve never had a wax treatment or a tanning treatment.

But you have to buy the nail varnish, even if you do it yourself. I tend to think nail varnish, as well as some other “beauty” treatments can make you look less groomed, not more.

But I didn't give her a list of things to do to beautify herself. I gave her suggestions for ways that she can turn basic grooming/hygiene steps from unappealing regimental tasks to enjoyable rituals.

I suggested soap because washing your hands is basic hygiene that shouldn't be skipped but since you have to do it, you may as well use something you enjoy. Same with shampoo. It's just nicer if you pick something that smells good and feels good. I never even said anything about how your hair looks. I brought up nail polish because it can be fun and creative to paint your nails. I am someone who does not wear make up or perfume but I do enjoy simple pleasures and I do try to be groomed. It affects how others perceive me and my own self esteem.

You should like the clothes that you wear.
You should like the food that you eat.
You should like the things in your home that you see and use everyday. This includes personal hygiene products.

This also applies to young men, many of whom are learning self care, which can only help to cut down on toxic masculinity.

As a procrastinator I can only be bothered for work. School run slightly better than home wear 🤣 really you just need to be clean and have vaguely styled hair. Makeup is a bit sexist, that's my excuse anyway. Although concealer and an eyebrow pencil def help if you are pale. I do dye my hair for fun and to cover greys.

For some reason it’s only women who are supposed to “ treat themselves “ by working on their appearance for the benefit of other people . Men get to treat themselves by going to the pub / out for a meal / a holiday / having fun.

@Olive

You haven't noticed the explosion in the market for men's grooming products over the last 15 years.

Here is a rating of 23 different beard shampoos and conditioners.
www.gq-magazine.co.uk/gallery/best-beard-shampoo

Men also go to the gym for fun, supposedly! Teenage boys are bothered and so are 50yr old men, it's not just women.
I totally judge men with wrinkled suits, shirt hanging half out, ill fitting trousers or ear hair gone overly wild as not being groomed, so it does go both ways.
My 9, 10 and 50 year old dc/dh are all bothered about their clothes and hair too.

That’s 2 working days a month though!!

I mean I know it isn’t, it can be brain nap time which is good, but still..

I have adhd. I wear make up every day and get my hair done but I really relate to this thread. Im struggling with coping with showering. It's happening but I find it so overwhelming I have to psych myself up for it. I find the constant repetition of tasks mentally exhausting.

just came to say this am waiting on an adhd assessment . Even the very basic things are hard, and I’m in the forties and regularly forget to shower, brush my teeth or put deodarant on. It takes so much mental energy each day to stay relatively clean and groomed. It’s really hard work.

I’m not saying that male grooming isn’t a thing. Or that men don’t spend time and money on it.

Im saying that men are not told to “ treat themselves “ and “ build their self esteem” or “ pamper themselves “. I’ve never heard anyone tell a man to “indulge in a fancy bath bomb on a Sunday night “.

Men get to have a quick shower, use some products and then go out somewhere. The grooming is a means to an end - going out and having fun.

Its only women who have to do grooming instead of fun.

It's very hard for some ND people, myself included. I'm autistic not ADHD but hugely struggle with these tasks. I manage to sort my kids out but totally forget myself. I even forgot to take my daily medication for my thyroid.

No way I could shower daily. Its a sensory nightmare for one and also, I just don't have the mental capacity to remember to do it.
I don't shave or moisturise, I only wear suncream on very hot days. I hardly ever use a deodorant, I don't pluck my eyebrows or wear make up. My hair is kept long and isn't dyed so I don't go to the hairdressers.

All I do off your list is brush my teeth, go to the dentist (only once a year though) use my water flosser and cut my toenails when I remember.

I know people are trying to be helpful posting a sort of beauty routine but I laugh when people say 'just follow this super easy 20 step routine.'

It's like: I brushed my teeth. What more do you want from me, world?!

Exactly! 🤣

Every day
shower
teeth
hair brush

couple times a week
face mask
body brush

every week I pick something to do
tint brows , pluck hai removal etc

my mother didn’t look after herself. I do have mental health issues but try to do this as want my daughter to take care of herself

I buy a pearl Colour polish . It looked tidy with little effort .
i think body hair views have changed . Iv had my leg hair lasored off . But my daughter doesn’t shave under her arms . It’s nice it’s more personal preference rather than expected

I do feel I owe it to my husband to look reasonable.
we age naturally here . But I know he appreciates the efforts I make such as nails tidy nice hair etc .
Thats a priority for me