The mental burden of personal grooming

[AdamAntlers]

Just wanted to see if anyone else could relate, as I feel quite alone in this at times. I find it such a mental load/ cost to just be adequately groomed.

i think it must be related to the fact that we had absolutely zero personal grooming growing up. My poor DM was severely depressed, DF was absent. Although DM was wealthy, we barely brushed teeth, ever went to the dentist, basic washes with one soap all over etc. my poor Dm didn’t use sunscreen, moisturiser, make up, deodorant etc. I had to make a very conscious effort to change, partially as I work in a role which requires me to look credible and also I’m hoping a role model will make things easier for my DD.

im just so overwhelmed by the masses of stuff needed to be just basically presentable. I can’t imagine how much time people who are considered ‘well groomed’ spend on personal grooming.

Keep it simple.

Shower regularly. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, shave legs and armpits, rinse off conditioner.
Body lotion if you need it. I don't bother as my skin doesn't dry.

Clean clothes

Wash face and brush teeth morning and night. Floss regularly.

Moisturise at night and use a bb cream in the morning.

Keep eyebrows and nails tidy.

I've started wearing jewellery daily too now. earrings daily and bracelet or necklace depending on the outfit.

This is not simple! No one who is struggling needs to condition hair, shave body, use a body lotion, floss or moisturise. How have we got to the point we think this is a basic level of grooming?

Flossing is quite important.
The rest of it is simple grooming.

Otherwise it's just keeping clean so just shower often and wash your hair once a week then.

@AdamAntlers - can you tell us what are the things that cause you to be overwhelmed by the masses of stuff needed to be just basically presentable...?

What are you actually doing, and what else do you feel you 'ought' to be doing to feel 'groomed'? What is your definition of being 'basically presentable'...

17 hours is a LOT!
Before kids i was uber groomed.
post kids and married i was reasonably groomed
post divorce, still kids, disability plus working, I am ungroomed!
Brushing teeth is a genuine achievement 👏
Things have changed so drastically I am shocked at my appearance and depressed by it daily

I think you have overreacted to your parents to a degree and maybe have taken on board too much of what media says/social expectations are.
I have worked in a very professional job all of my career and my idea of presentable certainly does not match yours (or indeed constitute a burden). I don't honestly think its much different from a man in the same role - I am basically clean and tidy- eg I shower/bathe, wash my hair and clean my teeth thats it!
The only thing that potentially takes more time than a typical bloke is my hair - and even then its only when i decide to straighten my hair. I get it cut and coloured occasionally - somewhere between 4-6 months.
I don't wear makeup for work- i occasionally put some on to go out (but only occasionally!) i sometimes moisturise, very occasionally floss and thats about it.
Whilst i wouldn't say anyone looks at me and say she is well groomed - i don't look scruffy or unkempt- I could go out to anything (eg restaurant, client etc) without qualms during the day.
I don't think it is what you are doing per se that is wrong- its the fact that it stresses you out- and to focus so much on your appearance and how others see you is not a good role model

My mother had (and still has) beautiful skin, soft hands, elegant, buffed nails, and lovely hair. She was and still is a 'soap and water girl'. She uses baby shampoo.

All you need is a bar of soap in the shower, shampoo and conditioner that suit your hair, a cleanser for your face (try Cerave) and a moosturiser with spf.

Perfume and makeup optional.

After that, toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush, comb, rake, maybe a hairdryer, and Bob's your uncle.

My routine varies if I am seeing people or not ... I have a skin condition so need to apply creams every day, takes energy to do this. Needs doing or it gets worse. If I'm seeing people I will need to do 'hair removal' eyebrows, mustache and aa face check .. if in not seeing anyone I will go wild and skip this. Hence hair removal can take ten mins some days... Not many people mentioning facial hair removal makes me wonder if its not daily for everyone and in just very hairy!🤣
So I get it. Takes too long and it's stuff I don't want to do .. let alone the rest of the grooming!

Re having small children - I found it easier to do more than a daily shower and cleaning teeth once I started getting more reliable sleep

You're not alone OP. It's a chore. Same as you, growing up was not taught self care, never taken to dentist etc. Had to learn as an adult. As long as I don't smell bad and don't have hair on my face I feel confident enough these days.

I had to 🙄 at the 'What does not being white have to do with anything' from the PP who clearly does NOT have curly hair in any way whatsoever. There is no just brushing it and leaving it with curly hair.

Your mum had depression. You've likely got similar depressive tendencies which makes anything requiring any kind of effort a lot harder. Then you've not been shown how to do it all as well. I get it. My mum was the same and I am kind of now. My mum is also ND as am I. It can make simple things a hundred times harder.

My advice is follow a man's beauty routine. Shit, shower, brush your teeth and wear clean clothes. The rest is optional as and when you feel like it.

I’m okay with personal care, but feel this way about housework. It’s definitely an upbringing thing- my mother was a housewife but never cleaned, she’s a hoarder to the point where you can’t use one of the rooms of the house, and I used to be told off for cleaning.

Now it feels exactly as you describe- endless work just to reach the bare minimum. I don’t know how truly houseproud people do it, I’m constantly struggling with the basics despite really trying. It feels overwhelming to keep a clean house.

I brush my teeth twice a day, shower every day and wash my hair twice a week. Clean clothes, but I buy simple clothes in bulk and wear a sort of uniform for work that I made up myself to not have to think about it.

Rarely shave anything, never do nails, get my hair done two or three times a year -- and that one is new.

That is enough. You don't need to do all those other things. It is not necessary to do your hair or nails or anything. I have a senior and professional job and work in smart offices and go to fancy restaurants etc and I am not out of place with this level of personal grooming. It's absolutely fine. No makeup is needed. Your eyebrows are fine. You don't need to wax your legs. Just take care of your teeth and make sure you don't smell.

The only people who don’t need to floss are people who don’t have teeth. Cleaning your teeth absolutely is a basic level of both grooming and hygiene.

@Chattycathydoll My mum was a hoarder who did hardly any housework, but it made me determined not to live like her. My house is always clean and usually tidy, and I don't have a problem keeping it like this.

good for you?
OP is struggling due to her upbringing, so am I. Not sure how this comment is meant to help.

Because it may not just be down to upbringing. I noticed that my auntie's house and my friends' houses were never as messy.

Maybe my upbringing is the reason I loathe clutter.

I don’t doubt that’s the reason, but things affect us all differently. I feel a deep anxiety around cleaning. I can only assume it’s because of what happened when I was a kid, because it’s not normal. You don’t. That’s great, I’m happy for you.

Simplify it, OP. It doesn't need to take time. Jump in the shower for five minutes after work or before bed or when you wake up. Wash your hair with a 2 in 1 shampoo and your body with a gentle shower gel. (These also work as bubble bath and vice versa. No need to buy loads of different products.) Keep a razor in the shower to do armpits and legs if you choose to. Again, this takes about20 seconds for arm pits and a minute for legs. No time at all.

Towel dry and comb hair and leave it to dry naturally.

Clean your teeth twice a day - once after breakfast and once before bed for two minutes at a time. Moisturise your face afterwards if you have dry skin, using a cream that also has a good sun protection factor.
Apply deodorant in the morning before work but not if you just shaved your armpits as it would sting.

That's all you need to do to be healthy. You can add a five minute simple make up routine to this by putting on tinted moisturiser, a neutral eye shadow and mascara and natural lip colour. Take it off at night with a cotton wool pad before you shower.

You can get brows waxed at somewhere like Superdrug or any beautician for under £10 and it takes 5 minutes, if you have thick brows that you think need grooming but don't want the faff of plucking and shaping them yourself.

That's about 15 minutes a day. Only five products if you don't wear make up and 10 if you do.

@AdamAntlers I've just tweaked my routine (hah!) in the hope of doing better. It might work for you?

I'm going up after tea to wash, do skin care and get my PJs on.

That way when I fall into bed later, it's all done!

My DM was very into grooming and appearance, she'd never leave the house without her makeup on and got her hair blow dried at the hairdresser every week. I'm a very much less is more person. Very rarely wear makeup, but I have a simple but very consistent skincare routine. I need to look after my feet well otherwise they turn into hooves.

Ah now, beneath her eyes, my hooves are giving me trouble. What's your routine?

Whilst I appreciate the way society has influenced me, I find personal grooming gives me so much confidence that it’s well worth it. I really could look such a state (very pale and washed out in a ‘are you feeling ok?’ way), which is my prerogative of course, but I prefer to spend time improving my appearance as it affects the way I interact with people and my appetite for doing things. For example if I have nasty spots I don’t want to go out. Grooming helps me prevent them.

if that isn’t the same with you, then I wouldn’t bother. Many of my friends don’t bother nearly so much.

I also love beauty products and reading beauty tips. It can be expensive to find the products that work for you.

Hi OP.
You only need the basics. Write a list to check each day if you need to:

AM - teeth, shower, deodorant, sun cream
PM - teeth, wash face

Once or twice a week - wash and condition hair in shower.

Dentist - depends on your own needs but when they ask you if you'd like to book the next appointment, say yes. Then that's one less thing to worry about.

Hair - the same as the dentist. Keep it a simple style and one that you can tie back and you might find it only needs cutting maybe three times a year.

That's it. From a grooming point of view you are perfectly presentable.

You can add moisturising, shaving legs, nails etc if and when you want to but they are by no way necessary and you'll find that actually a large part of the population don't.

They say that it takes about a month to get into a habit, so give yourself two months of really trying with the basics above and hopefully they'll stick and become automatic.

I've whittled down the things I do to

• hair wash every 3 days, shampoo and a decent conditioner that I leave on for a few mins while I shave my legs.

-I moisturize whole body as soon as I get out of shower, because I have dry skin and like the feeling.

• I have a quick face cleansing night routine, just cleanse and a rich night moisturizer. Sometimes add a few drops of tanning drops to the moisturizer.

-I keep my nails on my hands short and mostly bare, I went through a phase of nail polish and I do like it but not prepared to spend the time or money on going to a salon or doing my own gels.

• I do my own pedicure for summer, just a bright coral or red and vaguely keep on top of it

-i don't get waxes or have any regular beauty treatments, I pluck my eyebrows as part of doing my face in the morning. I use simple make up, as long as foundation and bronzer is on, I use an eyebrow pencil and that is all I need to look 'groomed'. Sometimes add a bit of mascara. Lip balm in my bag so put on whenever needed.

• hair is usually up, I spend a few minutes making it look a bit 'done' and that's it. I get family members to trim it, hate going to hair dresser!
• add a couple of bits of jewelry when I'm going out, simple studs wedding rings etc and a choice of other rings

It really doesn't have to take a lot of time and money, just a little bit of organisation and time. I do think find the basics that work for you and make you feel clean, comfortable and confident