The mental burden of personal grooming

[AdamAntlers]

Just wanted to see if anyone else could relate, as I feel quite alone in this at times. I find it such a mental load/ cost to just be adequately groomed.

i think it must be related to the fact that we had absolutely zero personal grooming growing up. My poor DM was severely depressed, DF was absent. Although DM was wealthy, we barely brushed teeth, ever went to the dentist, basic washes with one soap all over etc. my poor Dm didn’t use sunscreen, moisturiser, make up, deodorant etc. I had to make a very conscious effort to change, partially as I work in a role which requires me to look credible and also I’m hoping a role model will make things easier for my DD.

im just so overwhelmed by the masses of stuff needed to be just basically presentable. I can’t imagine how much time people who are considered ‘well groomed’ spend on personal grooming.

Flossing is essential if you want to keep your teeth.

I have never touched my eyebrows. And I am a hairy person! If you are plucking them all the time do you have any left?
I was always told that the natural shape of your eyebrows was the best fit for your face and I've run with that. I may be wrong but don't care really.

It's really patronising when people who do, what is to me, loads then smugly say it's nothing.

I'm neurodiverse and find most self care overwhelming. I get massive sensory overload from getting wet. I find brushing my teeth uncomfortable. I'm uncoordinated so find shaving etc difficult. Getting washed takes half a day for me so doing it once a week is an achievement.

It would only be for a big special event that I'd be able to do everything in the 'basic' routines listed above. And then that would floor me and I'd be too burned out to do anything else.

People should be a lot more considerate of how disabalist a lot of these comments are.

People should be a lot more considerate of how disabalist a lot of these comments are.

I don't think they are being deliberately disablist @felulageller . I apologise if my comments came across as that

I think, for most people, the basics - washing and brushing teeth just comes naturally, and people struggle to understand that it is a much bigger deal for some people.

During lockdown, I realised how much I didn’t need to do - used to get waxed, have shellac manipedis etc.

now I epilate. Trial and error as I initially shaved but had to do it so often or be stubbly that I moved to epilating in the bath every couple of weeks which saves time.

Blasting my hair (a lot of it) for 10 mins is actually more efficient than letting it air dry with a load of kinks in it then straightening.

Lash lift with tint monthly - boring but I don’t wear make up more than about twice a year so this makes me look marginally better.

wash face with hot flannel, wash hair, brush teeth, facial oil or moisturiser daily.

Is it disablist?

It would be disablist to say 'people who don't do x, y, z everyday are minging!'
And I've heard that said.

Saying that 'we should do x,y,z' or 'x,y,z is the basics...' isn't that just reflecting reality?

There is a bare minimum most people manage, for good health.

I don't manage that- I have a chronic condition.
It's not ideal though. It's not great for my health to fail to manage that basic level.
I don't think it's disablist to recognise that, anymore than it's disablist to say we should all exercise. We should. Some of us can't.

You don't need masses of stuff.

I use

Shampoo
Soap
Deodorant
Toothpaste

That's it.

It’s hard to say without knowing a bit more, but a basic routine shouldn’t be all that much effort.

Do you generally suffer with overwhelm? The answer is usually streamlining systems, but broadly a shower a day, 5 mins skincare and teeth, 5 mins make-up and pinning hair up should be enough.

If it’s a clothes issue do some reading about having a work and weekend ‘uniform’, plus capsule wardrobes and chuck and rebuy as you can. Or if money isn’t a huge issue, get a stylist for a few hours.

Getting some nice scent and a nice pair of everyday earrings might also help kick it off.

The OP said she needed to be fairly smart for work, so I think people are applying ‘basic’ with that in mind.

What is so hard about basic cleanliness? Shower daily. Wash your face with Simple facial wash. Use deodorant and shave your legs and armpits. Moisturise your face in the morning and use a night cream at night. Wash your hair and condition it when needed. You really don't need make up but pluck your eyebrows. Use sunscreen on your face after moisturiser.Get your hair cut regularly , brush your teeth twice a day and floss. Go to the dentist every 6 months. File your nails, cut your toenails regularly.

Shaving isn't basic cleanliness neither is plucking eyebrows.

Make up?

Can we be a bit more realistic here?

Someone who is struggling with the basics needs advice on how to do the basics and confirmation that simply being clean is enough. There is no need to flippantly add make up into the mix.

"The mental burden of personal grooming"
Really mental stress of looking after yourself
REALLY!!

OP has explained 'what is so hard'

You are not really helpful by questioning that.

Yeah, it's almost as mentally draining as the ignorant posters.

Come on, have a think.

Maybe OP doesn't cope, have you considered that?

I see it's not ignorance you suffer from, it's nastiness. Shame.

What an appalling comment. I’m sure your grandfather was a fine person but you certainly are not.

Making nasty comments to struggling people online doesn’t make you a hero.

Naomi Wolf wrote The Beauty Myth in the 90s about how societal beauty standards keep women in their place; how much time, effort and self esteem is wasted.

It’s interesting to look at different historical periods, and other cultures where men were/are the peacocks rather than women. It drives home the fact that these are cultural constructions.

Women also spend considerably more time on childcare, housekeeping and caring for relatives than men (who tend to have time consuming hobbies instead).

It is a burden op.

Jesus, what is wrong with some of the posters on this thread.

Read the room why don't you.

Yes OP, I really struggle with self care too. I find brushing my teeth the hardest. I have to really force myself to floss. Whoever said leaving the bits out that you need, so they're visible, I do that too. It definitely helps to have face cream and make up remover by my bed so I can do any face stuff in bed.

One of the worst parts for me is I have a job that involves HUGE self care, so it means when I'm at work I have to go into overdrive, and I'm STILL the scruffiest at work without exception. But as soon as I'm not at work it all goes to pot and I struggle to do the absolute basics.

No advice, just solidarity!

This has been a game changer for me.

After dinner and evening chores I go off for a shower and get dressed for bed. I feel like I can spend more time on skin care, etc because I'm not tired but there's nothing else left to do around the house.

Plus brushing my teeth early stops me snacking all night.

As this hasn't been mentioned in the 70+ responses -- please note that grooming is especially inconvenient for those with ADHD (this is potentially indicitive of it going undiagnosed into adulthood).

Please review the DSM-5 criteria -- but this is indicative of struggling with routine and time blindness.

Ooooh yes. It's def an ADHD thing.

I struggle too - ADHD, zero interest in fashion or cosmetics. I feel like I'm winning at life if I manage to have a wash and brush teeth and hair tbh.

The only ‘grooming’ l do is brush hair, moisturise and cleanse face, pluck eyebrows and that’s about it.

Shave legs hardly ever, try to wear trousers or long skirts to hide them. Never wear sleeveless tops, as cba to do armpits. I’m not very hairy though.

Takes me about 2 mins a day. Hate all the eyebrow/eyelash look