Mum still in lockdown !!

[Kissingfrogs25]

I am getting so worried about my mum. She is in no way vulnerable, in good health and 72 years old, she lives with my dad, for context she smokes, but is a healthy weight no issues.

Mum has been in lockdown since early march 20 and has not been anywhere inside or outside since this date, she says she is too terrified she will die of covid. She has had all vaccines, its the only time she has been inside a building. She cuts her own hair, hasn't been to the dentist, doctor (will speak on phone if needed) in all that time.

She won't even eat a takeaway in case its contaminated

What on earth do I do? I managed to get her to call the dr, who put her on antidepressants and other medication, but this hasn't changed anything.

I have been meeting up with mum outside, but even then she looks nervous. My dad is not allowed to go anywhere either.

It is now getting colder, I didnt see her for eight months last winter because it was too cold to sit out. She won't even see her friends, the few she has left have to sit on a bench in the park.

Anyone else in this position? What can I do? The years are going by and I feel like I have lost my mum 😥

bestcat Oh that is so sad when you have worked so hard to look after other people throughout covid, and thats the thanks you get for the amazing work you do. I am sorry they are treating you so poorly. Were they kind to you before? Or always been difficult?

My in-laws were a bit like this. Thankfully not as bad, but washing shopping, no takeaways etc until fairly recently. Lots of commenting on the covid statistics and on “stupid selfish people” daring to go on holiday or go to a party or catch a bus and giving everyone covid. However we were allowed to visit thankfully and we did manage to persuade them to visit us.

And as someone said above - ironically the best thing that has happened to them is that they caught covid this summer! God knows where. They had mild symptoms and seem to have relaxed about it so much now.

Yes I feel my parents need to get covid, so they can get past the fear of it. And mum can say it is just a cold (which it is for most people, abeit a bad one for some) I don't think anything else is going to work.

I don’t think it’s health anxiety I think it’s a form of agoraphobia and antisocial disorder.

My dad and his wife retired very early (50) but didn’t really make any plans for what they would do with their days. They ended up just sitting about drinking wine, the 4 walls closing in on them. Over the years, they’ve got used to it just being the 2 of them and being at home pretty much 24/7 doing very little. 15 years later, doing anything out of their tiny routine seems like an insurmountable task.

If you organised a family meal, they had to make sure it was just down the road from them at a dingy pub, they had to make sure it was a time they’d chosen, and they stayed for the minimum time possible - barely spoke, ate quickly and left. The idea of going to a new restaurant, or driving 20 minutes to get there, just seemed to be bewildering/unreasonable to them.

They’ve moved away now, so have even more of an excuse not to see anybody. They don’t do much all day in their new house, still just drinking wine and watching telly. When COVID hit they were positively glowing - I think it gave them the entertainment they craved while still allowing them to stay home and not see anybody.

So, I think it’s part of broader MH or personality problems, rather than genuine covid concerns in many cases.

I sat with my mum who died from covid so I can confirm the 'space suits' although I took mine mainly off, the nurses and doctors were still in full garb.
As sad as it was, my mum was fast asleep/comatose. In some ways, although she was young and vaccinated, it was the most gentle death I can imagine for anyone. Pumped full of sedative and painkillers with her daughters holding her hands (3 of us were allowed). I'm sure there are a great many worse ways of dying.

We can all thank the government "nudge units" for scaring the hell out of everyone.

It's no wonder so many people haven't managed to get back to normal!

Oh OP, I'll join you.

My DM is the same. Anxiety is sky high and I don't see my mum dad or brother much at all any more. It is very lonely. We used to see them roughly every week, sometimes a fortnight. We've seen them less than 10 times since 2020.

DH's mum died from Covid in 2020, she was 90. My parents are in their mid 60s and fully vacs, as is my brother who is 40. We only meet outdoors.

At Christmas we (me, DH and 2DC) isolated for 10 days beforehand as the school holidays fell perfectly. On Christmas Eve mum phoned to say she didn't feel comfortable coming round.

If I be am honest, I will never ever forget that and it still feels too raw to forgive.

I don't know anyone else in real life who isn't seeing their parents any more.

Every now and then my mum says 'when this is all over'... But for most people it is. And in the meantime the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren has been hugely damaged.

Yes my parents have become like this! At first my mother was devastated not to see us, the grandchildren, her friends, lunch and shopping etc.
Sadly now she seems to have given up all hope of her old life, and I don't think she even misses it anymore. She has become indifferent to the fun to be had outside her house and she says she gets 'everything she needs' from life inside her home and is 'quite happy' as she is.

I am thinking quite happy? How can she possibly be quite happy?! But she claims to be. The fear, and now the sheer amount of time passed has really changed her. Now it is a massive ordeal if the neighbour goes to work on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday or if the magazine is delayed by a day. Every thing has become magnified and they have lost all sense of perspective.

It is one of the reasons I haven't insisted, because she tells me she is fine. Happy even. I am not sure whether to believe her, as she knows I worry she may be just saying that. It is hurtful either way. As how can she be happy with not seeing us - and living such a small life like a prison sentence.

I am really so sorry for your loss arewwerelated that sounds beyond horrendous, and I am very sorry calling covid a cold for many people, if that has offended you. It clearly isn't just a cold for the many thousands that have died, including your mum.

Do you think my mum is right to be careful given what has happened to you?
Should I be respecting her wishes?
What would you do?

The fear, and now the sheer amount of time passed has really changed her. Now it is a massive ordeal if the neighbour goes to work on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday or if the magazine is delayed by a day. Every thing has become magnified and they have lost all sense of perspective.

The relative I’m most worried about is no longer quite living in lockdown but she is exactly like this with the magnifying tiny things. She’s not even scared of covid any more but still has a very limited social life compared to 2019, and is even much more limited in what she does at home, and it’s like she’s become scared of the world and everything in it seems too big and terrifying to navigate any more. I don’t know what to do about it either :(

I think covid has become magnified the risk to end all risks @Kissingfrogs25

Covid does kill, getting it means you are taking a chance but no more so than plenty of others things we do in life and it is getting the balance and perspective right whilst acknowledging the risk.

My grandpa for example died of pneumonia brought on by a common cold (and a refusal to rest and stay in and went to church all over Christmas)

Shrinking your life eliminates not just covid risks but all the other scary things we risk on a day to day basis leading to I agree a form of agoraphobia.

the truth is unless she actively wants to seek help there is little you can do

Lockdown induced agoraphobia.

Extremely sad for all those affected. Mental health services are strained already so will be difficult for anyone to be helped and yet you could see this coming......

@Arbesque

Well said.

This is sad - I don't blame the media; some people with inherent anxiety were always going to grasp hold of the worst case scenario and I don't recall media exaggerating the risk of death, they knew the realistic statistics from quite early on.

It might be worth talking to nervous parents about washing everything - the need for that has been very clearly debunked some time ago and if surface transmission were an issue they'd clearly know by now., but it's been long enough that they know it's not a problem. I know a lot of places are trumpeting how often they clean things but that really is theatre and not necessary.

My parents, in early 70s, have taken the attitude that they'll take their chances, they've lived long enough and if COVID doesn't get them, something else will sooner or later. But I can't imagine how hard it must be if your loved ones feel the opposite way.

Oh no please don't apologise! There's nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry that you're having these problems, sorry perhaps I should have elaborated.
To a lot of people the covid death is the worst possible thing but perhaps your mum needs to face it to see that it's not so bad?
The fact of the matter is we all will die, some of us from brain haemorrhages, cancer, car accidents, freak weather events... and of all of those things, a covid death is probably one of the most comfortable and one of the least suffering.
Yes it hurt like hell not being able to see her until the day she died, yes the machines looked scary, yes she was too young. But the thing is, she was asleep! We all I think would quite like to slip away peacefully in our sleep when our time comes, surrounded by loved ones and that's exactly what my mum had. So as traumatic as it was for me, I would say it was a very gentle way to die for her.

I think the media coverage of ICU"s and covid was abhorrent. We would never drag a dozen half dead persons out of a car wreck and film their last moments on the tarmac, that would be gross and would be a put of people off driving or speeding or motorways but for some reason this was okay in covid times.

I just wonder if your mum could be pushed into facing the facts this phobia to overcome it?

@Bestcatmum I'm sorry to hear that regarding your family. I feel forever indebted to the people who cared for my mum, who must have sacrificed so much to be so brave.
I really hope your family come round ❤️

DH's Nan is the same. Mid 70s, was as fit as a fiddle - barely had a cold for years. She has barely left the house since Feb 2020, as soon as Covid hit Italy she locked herself away. We have seen her 3 times in the garden, in masks at 2m distance and with negative flow tests. She lives in a little hamlet of 10 houses and takes her little dog for a 5 minute walk up the farm track lane early in the morning or early evening when no-one else is about much (very elderly community). If she sees someone else walking towards her, she will cross the road. If she didn't have the dog, she would stay in her house all day every day.

All shopping is dropped off outside the door and quarantined in the garage. Fridge stuff has to be in packets (she used to buy deli items but now insists on packaged items) is picked up with gloves and washed in a bowl of bleach before going in the outside fridge. After 3 days it is deemed safe to go in the house fridge.

She had a nasty fall a few months ago, banged her head and really should have got checked out and probably would have had to have stitches but refused to go to the drs or our small minor injuries unit as she would get Covid there. Instead she glued her cut up with the glue in her horse first aid kit.

She really could do with seeing the Dr for a few things, she's had some nasty falls which have led to a really dodgy knee and bad shoulder (really struggles to lift her left arm). She won't go, she can't do video call so can't really show the issues. She is not bed bound so the Dr won't do a home visit.

She is now terrified of leaving the house, she won't shop, won't accept visitors (she would accept visitors with a negative lateral flow, in masks outside before they stopped testing). MIL is at her wits end as there is no persuading her to leave the house. Dr also prescribed antidepressants but they had had no effect.

That's really shocking.

I have a friend who has become like this. One day she told me she is scared to go out in case an escaped 'big cat' gets her. She'd read about it in the paper and genuinely felt frightened to leave her house. For many people. this fear of the unknown and the uncontrollable has got completely out of control.

It's always been the same. They are obsessed with avoiding germs at all costs. I just can't live my life like that. I'd go mad.

Op that’s very sad. I see it all the time as work with vulnerable patients who were asked to shield and some still haven’t stopped. I notice the anxiety is mostly in the 60-70 ish age group.

We barely see any fully vaccinated healthy people now admitted with covid, the vaccines are working nicely. Those admitted are mostly recovering quickly provided vaccinated. The exception is mostly people who haven’t made adequate vaccine response due to underlying immune deficiency (eg some blood cancers) or the unvaccinated.

I’m not sure you can say anything to change peoples minds when they’re in such a state of fear. They are closed off to reason and will just entrench position more. It will probably just result in her becoming cross with you. I think most people will gradually emerge in small steps. Keep open communication and maybe help your mum explore the things she does feel comfortable doing. It’s interesting to hear your dad is a controlling man and I wonder how much he is playing a part.

My own mum and some colleagues died of covid and it was terrible. We all caught it early on. I think we were all so exposed to it we have are in some ways less damaged later on than the people who have been so protected. Strange really.

How very sad. Naively, I didn't realise anyone still locked themselves away due to Covid, especially now it's a much weaker virus than it used to be.
Not sure what to suggest, but just wanted to express sympathy

We've got family who are refusing to travel because of covid which is frustrating as we are spread around the globe. I fear by the time they relax about covid they will be too old for long haul flights.

I’m in Australia and my parents insist in driving long distances to visit relatives interstate rather than ‘risk’ flying.

They’re driving isn’t what it used to be and there’s no doubt they’re in more danger driving and it would likely be a horrific death as well but they think they’re being ‘sensible’.

I would not bother to try to convince her there is no risk. Instead I would remind her that everyone dies of something. My own father's view was that he would rather live the life he has got left than hide indoors. If she knew she only had 6 months to live, what would she want to do in that time? Surely she would want to see friends and family or tick off some 'bucket list' idea. Does she honestly want to live the rest of her life like this?