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Original poster

36th birthday today and my life is an absolute mess

109 replies

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 10:57

Just that really. Not looking for sympathy as im sure it’s largely been brought on by me. Always tried to do my best in life and I’ve made a huge mess. First baby due in two weeks, ex has written to me after not speaking most of pregnancy to say he wants me to sign up to an arrangement on finance and if I don’t he will say he’s not the dad, he’s made allegations he’s not the dad to our mutual friends (contraception failure so apparently he can’t get his head around how it happened…). He’s threatened to get a barrister and said he will go to police if I text him but I am allowed to email him to finalise things and he will then put it into an agreement.

you would think we were dragged up but we’ve each had a generally decent background with lots of opportunity and are in decent jobs etc. I never thought he would behave in this way ever, he certainly doesn’t give that impression at work.

I have posted before about this around 2 weeks ago and would be grateful if people didn’t attack me for that. I’m literally sat on my own, wondering how I’m celebrating a birthday dealing with all this stuff, I never thought I was a bad person but to be embroiled in this I can’t be that great. I’m really broken today.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 05/09/2022 11:03

I am so sorry that this is happening to you - your ex sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work, and try to remind yourself that you've well and truly dodged a bullet there.

Re the threats of barrister and police - sound very much like nothing more than bullying attempts and empty threats. Can you ignore his "offer" and go straight to CMS? And has he never heard of paternity tests?

Concentrate on your baby and your well being if you can. I hope you have friends and family around you for support.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2022 11:06

Definitely don't let him bully you into signing anything. I'm sorry he's being such a cunt right at the end of your pregnancy too. It's been a long time since I was pregnant but i remember the last few weeks being tough emotionally even without added stress like you have, so that's probably playing a part in how you're feeling too. Have you got good friends/family support? If so lean on the a bit

newbiename · 05/09/2022 11:06

Sorry you're having a rubbish birthday.
Just ignore him , straight to CMS. Let him deny the baby , he'll have to prove it.
It's amazing how often you read on here about men like that. He's just trying to intimidate you.
Have you got anyone you could go out for lunch with ?
Happy birthday, next year will be better.

coldcoldheartt · 05/09/2022 11:07

First of all, happy birthday. It's a shit one this year but I PROMISE you next year will be better. Because all this shite will have been sorted out and you'll be celebrating with your lovely baby

Do not make any agreements with this man, go through the proper channels. If he denies paternity so what?! He will have to take a DNA test and if I'm not mistaken he will have to pay (as he is denying being the dad but test will prove he is). Then the proper channels for child maintenance payments. He is a twat. I'm so sorry.

yousexybugger · 05/09/2022 11:09

Happy birthday first of all. This crap will pass eventually and you'll have your lovely baby soon so please don't let him get you down too much.

I don't know the ins and outs of CMS etc as I don't have kids/ am not in the field but would advise keeping this all through the official channels in terms of access and maintenance rather than informally agreeing to anything on his terms as he is behaving quite messily. The police/ lawyer stuff is just noise. What would a lawyer do here on his side that wouldn't be in your favour too?

I would email a response saying thanks for his proposal, you have considered it and suggest that you start with a paternity test to confirm a solid basis for starting the official channels for financial and practical agreements etc. That way you've at least removed his opportunity to keep that hanging over you.

CavernousScream · 05/09/2022 11:09

Just say you’re not communicating at all any more, you’ll be going through CMS and if he wants a DNA test he can pay. Presumably he’s not wanting to discuss access? If he doesn’t want to see the baby there’s no need to communicate at all. Block everything except his email, set up a divert so the emails go to a specific folder that you can check when you feel up to it.

JimmyShoo · 05/09/2022 11:11

Don’t engage. Go to CMS. He can have a DNA test done should he choose to, but it will be him that pays to find out what he already knows.

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:16

@AryaStarkWolf @CavernousScream @JimmyShoo @RatherBeRiding @coldcoldheartt @newbiename thank you so much these replies have made me cry in this cafe! Haha.

I think I just feel exhausted with the anxiety and how things could have been. I keep checking my emails and feeling physically sick

I did make the point to him that I wanted to know if he wanted access first. He just won’t say at all so I have no idea what is round the corner and that’s worrying me too.

I feel responsible as he was nice if not unusual when we were together. He’s just become awful since the break up and I’m surprised I have heard from him at this late stage to be honest. I thought he might pop up a few months later after dc but not right now not at this time.

OP posts:
Leafy3 · 05/09/2022 11:18

Don't buckle to his threats, he's a knob. Paternity can be proven so he'll have no leg to stand on.

You'll not be charged for harassment for sending him an appropriate single text or two - not sure what he thinks the police sit around doing all day!

Worth making sure you've got copies of all his bullying messages though!

Ignore him and try to enjoy your day Flowers

Meadowsalways · 05/09/2022 11:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2022 11:21

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:16

@AryaStarkWolf @CavernousScream @JimmyShoo @RatherBeRiding @coldcoldheartt @newbiename thank you so much these replies have made me cry in this cafe! Haha.

I think I just feel exhausted with the anxiety and how things could have been. I keep checking my emails and feeling physically sick

I did make the point to him that I wanted to know if he wanted access first. He just won’t say at all so I have no idea what is round the corner and that’s worrying me too.

I feel responsible as he was nice if not unusual when we were together. He’s just become awful since the break up and I’m surprised I have heard from him at this late stage to be honest. I thought he might pop up a few months later after dc but not right now not at this time.

You're probably feeling at your most vulnerable at this late stage in your pregnancy too. Give yourself a break. You don't need to be worrying about this guy right now, concentrate on yourself and your baby and stop worrying about what he will or will not do. After the baby is born go through the official channels re maintenance etc. If he wants to see access to the baby let him go through the proper channels too because he's not a nice or reasonable man. Whatever you do don't go chasing him to give him access, if you have to chase a guy to see their own child then they don't deserve it imo

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:28

Yeah at one point I was absolutely devastated at the idea he might not see dc but after this I actually don’t care. He is unstable and nasty.

it’s just so stressful and I am dreading a formal letter any day like he’s suggested

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 05/09/2022 11:30

Happy Birthday!

You don't have to sign shit. He knows you're at your most vulnerable and has taken a strike. What a piece of shit he really is.

Let him says he isn't the dad.. with him acting like a immature knob best he stayed away anyway!

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:32

It’s embarrassed me so much he’s saying he’s not the dad. The only thing keeping me sane there is that I am 100% not at all someone who would see more than one person at once (I don’t judge others it’s just not me). And I know that he is absolutely awful for suggesting it. I can’t even believe he would do it so close to dc here. He keeps leaving big gaps between emails too and I just want things sorted out

OP posts:
J0y · 05/09/2022 11:35

My dcs' father is an arsehole and I wish he hadn't got his name on their bc

Suzi888 · 05/09/2022 11:36

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:32

It’s embarrassed me so much he’s saying he’s not the dad. The only thing keeping me sane there is that I am 100% not at all someone who would see more than one person at once (I don’t judge others it’s just not me). And I know that he is absolutely awful for suggesting it. I can’t even believe he would do it so close to dc here. He keeps leaving big gaps between emails too and I just want things sorted out

^Well he wants to be very careful as that’s slander. Save all communications.

Do not engage with him or his idle threats.

And Happy birthday 💐 Next year will be so much better.

Leafy3 · 05/09/2022 11:36

The only person he's embarrassing is himself. I have zero respect for people like him and if he were mouthing off telling me about this I'm certain my thoughts would be written across my face.

Some men are tricked into fatherhood but there's a way to deal with that issue and his way is not it, so even if I thought there might be a chance he was telling the truth I'd still think he was a dick.

Fact is though, like with road rage, the people kicking off publicly are typically the ones in the wrong.

He's just making sure that everyone knows what a complete arse he is.

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:36

@J0y oh that was another thing he wanted for me to make sure that happened. I’m just so confused, hadn’t heard a peep from him in months and now all this. So stressed and sad. Feel like such a failure.

OP posts:
Leafy3 · 05/09/2022 11:36

Hold your head high!

J0y · 05/09/2022 11:36

He makes himself look shabby saying he's not the father

NotLactoseFree · 05/09/2022 11:37

Aaah, OP. I'm sorry. And he's doing that classic thing - overwhelm her with official sounding threats etc. But they're just that... threats. He can get a barrister or call the police or do whatever he likes but he still has a financial obligation to this baby whether he likes it or not. If he wants to dispute that, then sure, he can go ahead and get a DNA test. As you know the baby IS his, his claims and threats of a barrister etc are largely pointless.

You're 2 weeks from your due date. Baby could come any minute. Of course you're stressed and feeling scared. But, as much as you can, try not to let his craziness impact you. It's on him. Not you.

wednesday32 · 05/09/2022 11:38

Focus on you and the little one about to enter the world. You will do an amazing job parenting this baby and can get great support and advice from other mums. I would suggest looking at local baby clubs you could attend and/or local facebook groups or meet ups. You don't need this mess of a man involved. Ignore his letter, it sounds utterly ridiculous. Keep it as evidence in case you do have to go to court in the long off future to prove he tried to coerce you into a finance agreement under duress. He can deny he's the father all he likes but CMS will chase him for maintenance and a DNA test will prove he's a liar as well as a knob.x

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:39

@Leafy3 that’s true I guess, I’ve been nothing but civil towards him since the break up. Literally offered whatever he wanted and he didn’t reply so three months passed and I left it and now this. I had a dream he had died and all the stress went away. Made me feel worse as I’m not like that, I just want people to get along but I wake up feeling sick and have stomach anxiety all day most days.

OP posts:
HavfrueDenizKisi · 05/09/2022 11:39

J0y · 05/09/2022 11:35

My dcs' father is an arsehole and I wish he hadn't got his name on their bc

This.

If I were in your shoes I most definitely would not put his name on the birth certificate. He sounds like he could suddenly demand access and parental rights at some point in the future and constantly mess you around/have a say in if you want to move away or travel etc.

If I could manage financially without his help I'd cut him out completely.

NotLactoseFree · 05/09/2022 11:39

Well, he can't be on the BC unless he turns up to register the baby's birth with you. Seems pretty unlikely he'll be doing that.... so...<shrug for him>