36th birthday today and my life is an absolute mess

[Jet2adl]

Just that really. Not looking for sympathy as im sure it’s largely been brought on by me. Always tried to do my best in life and I’ve made a huge mess. First baby due in two weeks, ex has written to me after not speaking most of pregnancy to say he wants me to sign up to an arrangement on finance and if I don’t he will say he’s not the dad, he’s made allegations he’s not the dad to our mutual friends (contraception failure so apparently he can’t get his head around how it happened…). He’s threatened to get a barrister and said he will go to police if I text him but I am allowed to email him to finalise things and he will then put it into an agreement.

you would think we were dragged up but we’ve each had a generally decent background with lots of opportunity and are in decent jobs etc. I never thought he would behave in this way ever, he certainly doesn’t give that impression at work.

I have posted before about this around 2 weeks ago and would be grateful if people didn’t attack me for that. I’m literally sat on my own, wondering how I’m celebrating a birthday dealing with all this stuff, I never thought I was a bad person but to be embroiled in this I can’t be that great. I’m really broken today.

I remember your previous post and you got loads of great advice from people, including myself giving you advice. You really will feel better if you follow all the advice you were giving, as alot of it will ease alot of your worry around finances. I'm not being harsh but things won't improve until you start to do something about it. I know it's difficult, I really do, but the only person who can truly help you, is you. And a good first step is going through all the advice you have been giving on this post and your last post and try your best to start sorting things out for you and your baby.

You might want to get legal advice now so you know where you stand and how reasonable you have to be. But I'd keep every horrible email he sends you as evidence. You could also contact women's aid for advice.

Don't give him the power. You are in control here.

Life's not perfect....for anyone whatever impression they may give.

It's a shame that your child has such a dick for a dad but it's not 1950. Families come in many different forms.

You can build a lovely little life with your child. And better this way than you spending years with this idiot, losing out on motherhood and then seeing his true colours. There are hundreds of posts on this site from people on just that situation.

Once the baby arrives your head will be too full of all that to concern yourself to the same degree.

And remember your hormones are all over the shop. I had the most enormous row with my husband over a bloody cooked chicken at this stage. When I look back I've no idea why it mattered but in mental late pregnancy it was really important! Obviously your problems are very different to this but just trying to show how everything is magnified because of it

Good luck

A barrister? What on Earth for???

I didn’t see your other post but I’m guessing you got pregnant without planning it and he is upset about becoming a father?

and why are you sad? You are having a baby, which is what you wanted, I’m assuming you work and have accommodation?

also do not agree to any of his demands. Do go to the CSA once your child is born

no doubt he will try and request a DNA test but that’s fine

i don’t know how long you have known this guy but it sounds like you have had a lucky escape

take a bit of control back - email him, advise he is blocked and you will email him once baby is here to advise him the date his financial responsibility starts from

I had my DD on my own at 36 and am glad to say we have coped everv since. I dropped her off at secondary school this morning and and enjoying the fact I've got her this far.

Find some positive stuff to do today for you and look forward to your new arrival! If he's being a pest, block and ignore. He need not have a role in his child's life if he is going to put you under undue stress.

is he emplyed op-just go thr9ugh cms they'll write to him and ask for payslips then give the amount he should pay you

if not they will take 20 percent from him and 4 from you but i doubt he would want to pay extra

harder if hes self emplyed

happy birthday it will get better

You know it’s lovely to have a new baby due and new beginnings but it’s rarely easy whatever the circumstances. Very often there will be drama from a siblings rudeness to a MIL overstepping the photo sharing mark to anything in between threatening to sour things.

Try not to get wrapped up in his mind games. I’d recommend to treat him in a business like way for your own emotional protection.

Happy Birthday for today and good luck with your new baby x

Dear arsehole

Further to your precious contacts I write to confirm the following

1. I will email you following the birth to advise the sex and date of birth.

1. I will no longer respond to any contact from you before that time as it is detrimental to my wellbeing

1. I have no wish to enter into a private financial arrangement with you. Any claim for future maintenance will be via the CMS thereby negating the need for us to discuss this further

1. Should you require a DNA test post birth to confirm parentage then this will be undertaken with medical supervision only

Yours....

Happy birthday, OP.

How about go out, buy a bday cake and eat it whilst doing what you love?

Your ex, btw may change when the dna tests are done and he knows its his child, so stay strong and healthy. The future is unknown but it's not bad.

Also ref the ex, talk to a lawyer yourself. Don't agree £ without consulting a lawyer cos it sounds like he doesn't want to support you and his child.

Children are often a godsend. I didn't want kids until my hormones got me in my mid 30's. They turned our lives upside down but I wouldn't be without them.

Sending you a big hug XxX

OP, you are understandably stressed and worn out with all this. You have a baby due any time!
My advice would be:

• send one simple response for paper trail along the lines of:

Hello X, as you know I am at the end of the final trimester and as such I am feeling quite tired and preoccupied with preparing for the arrival of our baby. I appreciate you reaching out to me to discuss finances, however we can sort that out via the official channels of CMS.

I cannot control whether you believe this baby is yours or not, however I will remind you again that we were in an exclusive and faithful relationship and so, the baby is yours. I am happy to facilitate a DNA test in the future if necessary.

I would ask that if you do not want anything to do with your child, then you respect the boundaries I am putting in place and cease with your threats. I am concerned that you are only contacting me now at my most vulnerable to cause me emotional harm, and I feel that you are perhaps trying to take advantage of me by trying to get me to sign unofficial documents.

Again, and to be clear, I won't be contacting you again if you are not wanting to pursue contact with your child as you have stated previously. All contact will go via official channels, as said earlier. If you feel the need to instruct a solicitor, then that is your prerogative.

Thank you,

OP

THEN:
Ignore his messages and do not get sucked into his attempts to weaken you while you are already vulnerable

Do not put him on the birth certificate PLEASE it will make your life harder. Do not waver on this and do not let him know when you are going to do it!

If he wants to pursue contact, go via official channels only and don't enter into random agreements with him.

Work on strengthening yourself physically and mentally, look after yourself, don't be gentle with him as he is being savage with you and trying to get into your head.

Enjoy your baby, and do not let him sour this time.

My ex turned nasty after splitting when she was 18 months, I was stunned by him. I know how hard it is being bullied when you are a vulnerable. Don't give him an inch. He will have to pay child support. You do not need to sort anything out with this bastard.

Having lived through a relationship which turned very sour, I experienced similar treatment when the relationship was over.
We didn't have a baby (blessing!) but shared joint finances/mortgage. He was an absolute pig through and through up until the day he finally, after 2 years, bought my share of the house. No contact since and I can certainly say life has improved, although not perfect.
If I was in your position I would absolutely raise the baby by myself. I appreciate it would be extremely difficult practically/emptionally/financially, but how much harder is he going to make you and your child's life? For an unquantifiable amount of time.

Also, yes to PPs who have said business like only. No softness or reminiscing on the past, no thoughts of whether he may change. He has shown his true self and it is ugly and cruel.

@IrishladyNE @AStar98 how did you both come to terms with the sudden change in approach? My ex and I had happy times and whilst I had moved on in pregnancy as the relationship was very much over, I am shocked that he can be so nasty now? It makes me feel like the awful one in all this because he is being so nasty. I don’t understand why. We could have just been amicable, I don’t get it.

' . . . if I don’t he will say he’s not the dad, he’s made allegations he’s not the dad to our mutual friends . . . '
The only reason to fear this, is if you think he might not be. DNA tests are quick, simple, and conclusive.

He also can't go to the police simply for texting him, ffs.

Time to fasten your courage to the sticking post, for your own sake and for that of your unborn child.

Yes there’s absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he is the father I have no concerns there

Do not send a wordy email. All you're doing is showing you are spending time and effort replying. He won't stop. So you should.

Do not try to make financial arrangements outside of cms. He's a twat. He will stop paying and you'll have to go through them at that point anyway.

Do not put him on birth certificate.

Do not spend any more time / energy on him than absolutely necessary.

Seriously. He's the shit in your life. Just flush.

He is showing you who is he. And unfortunately that’s a nasty twat. Do Not let him bully you! Go through CMS and make sure he pays for his kid. If he wants a DNA, that’s fine, let him pay for one. This time next year you will look back at a difficult but not insurmountable period in your life with fresh eyes, and a beautiful baby. Good luck op

@Jet2adl
It's absolutely a showing of true colours when someone can turn on you so sharply and quickly. And it all stems from financial perspectives unfortunately.
Finding myself trapped, unfortunately I bit a few times and all it did was go round in circles. After 9/10 months the situation hadn't improved and he'd pushed me enough to approach a solicitor for some advice, once he knew about that he completely backed down. Became over friendly and coerced me into staying in the house. I moved onto a new relationship a few month later and because my ex was also bitter and jealous about that he started again. My new partner gave me the best advice ever and told me to completely ignore him. Which I did.
Again, he completely backed down and although he went back on his promise about a few things, mostly getting out of the situation was worth it.
My advice - ignore, approach when all is calm and 'reasonable'.
And look after yourself and your baby.
Happy Birthday BTW!

I would look at what you can be grateful for - you are not a spring chicken and now have the chance to bring a beautiful new baby into the world. I would not let him ruin this most magical period op. Your baby may be the last one you have, so don't let anything cloud this time for you.

File his email under knob and don't reply.
Consider carefully whether you want him your or your baby's life at all. Is the money going to be worth it if he starts demanding access and is cruel to you/baby?

You have the power to make the decision now to include him on the birth certificate (or not) and if you can do without his contribution, then I would forget it. He is not the man you thought he was, and he doesn't want to be involved anyway.

You can do this. Enjoy your baby. Get some great childcare in place later on, and enjoy this time in your life op. You are not a failure, you are just about to receive something in your life that is going to be worth fighting for, and winning for.
Embrace the baby
Leave the knob behind.
File him away as a sperm donor and move on.
Take your power back.

Listen to everyone's advice - DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE birth certificate.
He knows he is the father. You know he is the father. You can tell DC who his/her father is (and when they are old enough, show them screenshots of the texts and emails he sent). That will explain why there was no co-parenting!

You are not the awful one, he is panicking because he has buried his head through the pregnancy. The only way to deal with this is go very low contact. Some people even used My family Wizard app so that communication can be monitored. I considered it at one time because the messages were getting more abusive when he did not get his way.

If he upsets you, explain that you will be going through the system and he can do the same. You do not need to tolerate him AT ALL. Its really very hard, I know and it did take me a while to fully except that the man I thought I had spent 4 years with just did not exist.

You defo want to go the cms at this point. If you make a private arrangement and he doesn't pay you're a bit stuck, if it's through cms you're more protected and can report him.
Cms are a pain in the arse, there's no doubt about that, but it does give you a bit of comfort to know you're getting what you're entitled to and his contributions are changed depending on his income rather than him just deciding he'll pay x amount when it suits.

Happy Birthday.

It's horrible that he is behaving this way but on a positive note, at least you know what he's truly like now rather than when the baby arrives and trying to raise a child together with such an asshole.

Ignore his emails until you are ready to deal with them. He's going to report you - to bloody who? Any reasonable person will understand that a woman at late stage pregnancy is concentrating on look after herself rather than getting sick into any drama or nonsense.

Mind yourself now. When the baby arrives, you a DNA test, go thru the proper channels re maintenance and minimise any dealings with him, email or otherwise.

Happy Birthday OP. I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this at such an emotional time. I wholeheartedly agree with others saying DO NOT put him on the birth certificate.