36th birthday today and my life is an absolute mess

[Jet2adl]

Just that really. Not looking for sympathy as im sure it’s largely been brought on by me. Always tried to do my best in life and I’ve made a huge mess. First baby due in two weeks, ex has written to me after not speaking most of pregnancy to say he wants me to sign up to an arrangement on finance and if I don’t he will say he’s not the dad, he’s made allegations he’s not the dad to our mutual friends (contraception failure so apparently he can’t get his head around how it happened…). He’s threatened to get a barrister and said he will go to police if I text him but I am allowed to email him to finalise things and he will then put it into an agreement.

you would think we were dragged up but we’ve each had a generally decent background with lots of opportunity and are in decent jobs etc. I never thought he would behave in this way ever, he certainly doesn’t give that impression at work.

I have posted before about this around 2 weeks ago and would be grateful if people didn’t attack me for that. I’m literally sat on my own, wondering how I’m celebrating a birthday dealing with all this stuff, I never thought I was a bad person but to be embroiled in this I can’t be that great. I’m really broken today.

@CavernousScream

OP, this gets my vote for good advice. Happy birthday, and enjoy the rest of the day with a 'take-your-brain-out-of-gear' film and a big ol' slice of cake.

OP - I've seen some of your previous threads. I think you are trying to find an "answer" to explain his behaviour. But that's not possible and the sooner you accept that, hard though it is, the better. Why he behaves the way he does is no longer relevant. All that matters is that he meets his financial obligations and, if things go well, that he is a positive and consistence presence in your child's live in future.

Ignore his threats. Don't try to understand them. Don't try to explain things to him.

@BlingLoving yes I definitely feel worried because I don’t get it. It makes me wonder what is round the corner. I feel sick most of the time I just want him to go away.

I had a child in similar circumstances to you. Luckily I could give my child a home. I was never able to get child support, so all on me. I had a good job and support of family and close friends. Many years on I am a doting grandma I and matriarch of a wonderful loving family. Have confidence in yourself, a child can thrive with only one good parent. Your child needs you to be strong and you can do it. Many millions of women have done it and many more will. Treat the,Pratt with the contempt he deserves, with silence and deal only with cms. His rage at you means he will only try to pay less in a private agreement. Take his cash and anything you don’t need invest for your child. I envy you as you are about to experience the most wonderful time of your life. No idiot can take away from the wonder of holding your baby. Good luck

I understand. We've all been there in one form or another at some point - the man who just wasn't willing to commit, the sibling who has a completely different view of family life to you, the boss who always nitpicks when you've done nothing to deserve it..... but in each of these situations, understanding "why" is often not possible and would require huge abilities by both parties to really talk through things and see the other side.

The sooner you accept that, the happier you will be. Just remember - it doesn't MATTER what's round the corner from his perspective because you have all the power to make decisions.

Happy birthday, OP.

You haven't made a mess of your life. You're pregnant and the father of your baby isn't the person you hoped he would be. It happens.

First things first. Don't put your ex on the birth certificate and don't give the baby his surname. Not having him on the birth certificate will not affect your entitlement to child support, but it will give him automatic parental responsibility, which is not what you want when he is behaving like this. If he has parental responsibility he will be able to influence what you are allowed to do, from where you live, to where your child goes to school, to whether your child can be vaccinated, to where and when you can take your child on holiday. He can obtain parental responsibility by going to court, but hopefully he won't bother.

Next, you put yourself and your baby first. Don't communicate with your ex for the time being. You're about to have a baby, you're vulnerable, and you don't need to be exposed to this kind of bullying. You certainly don't need to sign an agreement that he has drawn up.

What support do you have? Do you have family and friends able to help you? Are you OK for money?

Having a baby is hard, even when you have a supportive partner, so you've got a difficult road ahead. But it will be worth it.

You've got this.

Firstly, happy birthday! Try and do something nice just for you today, snuggle on sofa and cuddle your tummy.

As most posters have said: Do nothing. Nothing all all. Ignore and put him out of your mind. Once baby is here and you are ready, register the birth with just your name in and submit CMS claim. Then do nothing.

Let him say what he wants to say. I like the Liz Hurley comeback above! Let him throw money at legal people if he wants.

Good luck with the birth of your baby. You will have the biggest prize!

And next year's birthday will be so much better

I don’t understand why you are so concerned about him? He is not in your life, he doesn’t want to be.

as for what’s round the corner well you are in control of that but at the moment you are letting this man live rent free in your head

i am guessing you have gone ahead with the baby and he didn’t approve and now you are paying the price for your decision -

sadly there are opinions for both sides of the argument but getting pregnant accidentally, then keeping the baby without the support of the father does lead to these types of situations.

you do sound rather sad about it all - I suspect you thought he would do a u turn but this scenario can really anger some men. I do have some empathy for them because the fact is that this is a life long situation and I would certainly not like a child being thrusted upon me when I didn’t explicitly agree to it

@Quitelikeit he said he wanted the baby he just turned nasty in second trimester

what did he say about the baby in the second trimester before he left?

You'd be mad to not go through cms. He is showing you he is going to be difficult.

@Quitelikeit he didn’t say a word just disappeared

Having been in a similar position, some 20 years ago, I can assure you he'll most likely disappear if he realises you're not prepared to dance to his tune.

Communicate only when it works for you, ignore any other attempts by him to pressure you into an agreement, do it all by the book.

Soon enough you'll have a whole person to look out for and your urge to protect them from dickheads like your ex will make you stronger.

Good luck, you've got this. Happy birthday to you too!

You have a good job, you are soon to be a mum to a gorgeous baby. I think your life is just fine at 36. Happy birthday 🥳

Happy Birthday!! Don’t let him stress you out. He can’t bully you into anything. Try to ignore it and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

Even if you get an 'official' letter from a solicitor, don't panic or worry. They've just been paid to write something that looks scary. You don't need to reply or engage with it

Oh and happy birthday! Have a long bath and massive piece of cake!

He’s threatened to get a barrister

Hope he's got plenty of money. Incidentally, IIRC you don't just 'get a barrister,' aren't they instructed by solicitors?

@Jet888 thank you and to everyone else who has helped keep me calm on what has been a really shit day.

not sure if he’s done this intentionally or if he’s just forgotten it’s my birthday but he’s emailed to say his solicitor will write to me now. I was about to respond and ask why but there’s no point is there. He really is a shitty man.

Happy birthday, OP. Look at it this way - you've been given a wonderful present. You now know EXACTLY what your ex is like (among other things an ignorant knob if he thinks you just 'get a barrister,' and what you're fighting; and you have MN rooting for you and giving advice. And soon you'll have a baby!

Don't respond, you have no obligation to him at all.

Give yourself time to consider every option.

If you invite him into your child's life financially or otherwise, he will have a right to your baby, access, weekends, take them on holidays etc which further down the line you may live to regret. It is a really big decision to have that man permanently in your life given his character. So I would have the baby and consider how you are feeling before you register him/her.

He knows you are due any time now, and something is kicking in (guilt, conscience, concern. Who knows)

I would block him.

By accepting a DNA test/ CM you will be inviting him into your life permanently in some shape or another.

I wouldn't do it.

I think I would struggle financially though to be honest. I don’t actually know if he wants to see dc as he won’t tell me. I’ve asked and he ignored the question.

Does he want parental responsibility? I don’t
know if you can absolve yourself from parental responsibility and forfeit your right to access? If that’s possible I’d rather he ducked off into oblivion and get no money from him at all.

Block his email.