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Original poster

36th birthday today and my life is an absolute mess

109 replies

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 10:57

Just that really. Not looking for sympathy as im sure it’s largely been brought on by me. Always tried to do my best in life and I’ve made a huge mess. First baby due in two weeks, ex has written to me after not speaking most of pregnancy to say he wants me to sign up to an arrangement on finance and if I don’t he will say he’s not the dad, he’s made allegations he’s not the dad to our mutual friends (contraception failure so apparently he can’t get his head around how it happened…). He’s threatened to get a barrister and said he will go to police if I text him but I am allowed to email him to finalise things and he will then put it into an agreement.

you would think we were dragged up but we’ve each had a generally decent background with lots of opportunity and are in decent jobs etc. I never thought he would behave in this way ever, he certainly doesn’t give that impression at work.

I have posted before about this around 2 weeks ago and would be grateful if people didn’t attack me for that. I’m literally sat on my own, wondering how I’m celebrating a birthday dealing with all this stuff, I never thought I was a bad person but to be embroiled in this I can’t be that great. I’m really broken today.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 11:39

I'd cut all contact with him. When the baby is born, notify him factually. Don't get into any nonsense about him dictating how and when you communicate. Claim through CMS. Let him dispute being the father and pay for the DNA test then get a court order for contact.

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:40

Will I feel better when dc here do you think? At the moment I feel so helpless and scared. I’m worried I will crumble when they are here.

OP posts:
J0y · 05/09/2022 11:40

I loved liz hurlers statement when Steve bing doubted he was the father.
She said something very classy. "I believed we were in an axclusive faithful relationship"
That was it. Spoke volumes about his shit behaviour.
He's dead now but he didn't sound like a stand up character.

Just let time pass. Time makes it hurt less and also spells out the truth of who behaves honorably and who does not.

DreadingWinter · 05/09/2022 11:41

Don't respond at all. You know that his threats are empty. He would be laughed at and shown the door. He can't employ a barrister. Only a solicitor can do that and the police can't do a thing.

Ignore him. Have your baby. Register it with just you on the birth certificate. Fill in CMS forms immediately and then he can pay for a DNA test. Don't discuss access while the baby is small. If you hear any comments about him not being the father, laugh at the ridiculousness of it and make sure you tell people that it's either his or divine intervention.

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:41

@girlmom21 this is what is so weird, I’d never stop him seeing dc. I would agree to a verbal arrangement with finance if it was fair but wouldn’t sign. He knows I am reasonable yet he is putting me though this. I hate him so much and yet I also feel desperately sad.

OP posts:
J0y · 05/09/2022 11:41

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:40

Will I feel better when dc here do you think? At the moment I feel so helpless and scared. I’m worried I will crumble when they are here.

Oh you will. You will feel like the winner. It'll be like he has walked away from a huge gorgeous blessing.

Xx

MsMarch · 05/09/2022 11:42

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 11:39

I'd cut all contact with him. When the baby is born, notify him factually. Don't get into any nonsense about him dictating how and when you communicate. Claim through CMS. Let him dispute being the father and pay for the DNA test then get a court order for contact.

I'd agree with this. You don't have to let him dictate to you. If he wants to make a specific payment and it's the same or more than CMS then sure, agree to that but otherwise just stick with CMS. Either way, make it clear this is a once off communication re this, payment should be made by xx date each month and that either way, if he doesn't pay you'll go straight to CMS.

Do you have a friend who could be your go-between? Otherwise honestly, I'd be tempted to get a solicitor and tell him to engage with her if he wants anything.

J0y · 05/09/2022 11:43

DreadingWinter · 05/09/2022 11:41

Don't respond at all. You know that his threats are empty. He would be laughed at and shown the door. He can't employ a barrister. Only a solicitor can do that and the police can't do a thing.

Ignore him. Have your baby. Register it with just you on the birth certificate. Fill in CMS forms immediately and then he can pay for a DNA test. Don't discuss access while the baby is small. If you hear any comments about him not being the father, laugh at the ridiculousness of it and make sure you tell people that it's either his or divine intervention.

I agree. Look after you. Stop thinking about his needs.

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 05/09/2022 11:44

Happy birthday! Is this your first baby? Very exciting!! Bet you can’t wait to meet him/her.

I agree with everyone else. Don’t sign anything, and try to accept that this is something that won’t be sorted until after the baby arrives.

Once baby is here, go through CMS and that will take care of process for establishing paternity etc.

I think I remember your last thread. Don’t contact him. You currently have no tie to this man until the baby arrives so hold off on doing anything rash, and just focus on getting to the stage where the baby is here, and then deal with the father.

QueenoftheAngles · 05/09/2022 11:44

Are you the poster who may have had a harassment warning? If so be really careful about responding. I would ignore and go through CMS.

This stage of pregnancy is hard, try not to give him headspace. Good luck

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 11:45

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:41

@girlmom21 this is what is so weird, I’d never stop him seeing dc. I would agree to a verbal arrangement with finance if it was fair but wouldn’t sign. He knows I am reasonable yet he is putting me though this. I hate him so much and yet I also feel desperately sad.

He just wants to feel in control because he knows you hold all the power. You've said yourself he's coming across as unstable/unhinged and until he can co-parent your priority needs to be you and baby.

You can't deal with this nonsense when you're a few days or weeks postpartum.

It can only work if you're both amicable and he's currently unable to behave properly.

He's not in a position to spend time with the baby until he learns to respect their mother.

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:46

QueenoftheAngles · 05/09/2022 11:44

Are you the poster who may have had a harassment warning? If so be really careful about responding. I would ignore and go through CMS.

This stage of pregnancy is hard, try not to give him headspace. Good luck

@QueenoftheAngles no he’s not said that just that he will only accept me communicating by email and if I ignore that he will report it.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2022 11:47

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:46

@QueenoftheAngles no he’s not said that just that he will only accept me communicating by email and if I ignore that he will report it.

Show quote history

Report it to who? It's not against the law to ignore an email! Stop entertaining this guy

C0rnflake · 05/09/2022 11:49

Happy birthday. Today is my birthday too.

Two years ago, it was my 32nd birthday. I had left my awful husband, but moved back in to the spare room because he couldn't cope on his own. I had a nearly 2 year old. I was struggling massively with my mental health, and sleeping around, just numb to it and thinking it would somehow help my self esteem but realistically and unsurprisingly it did not. I was wondering how on earth I'd ended up in that position. Bad choice of husband and father, continuing to make bad choices.

Here I am, 2 years later, settled in a happy relationship. Beautiful, happy, clever nearly 4 year old. In my own beautiful house. Happy at work and in general.

I've no doubt it will all work out for you too.

You don't sound like a bad person, you're just in a bad place. You'll get through it. Your ex sounds like a bad person, do all you can to get him out of your life.

Good luck x

NotLactoseFree · 05/09/2022 11:49

Well, I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that call to the police: "Hello Police, I want to report my ex girlfriend for calling me about our newborn baby's birth when I specifically told her that I will only deal with her on email." It's ridiculous.

Having said that, I'd say that communicating only via email is a good idea. I don't know if you attempted to call/text him 50000 times in the beginning but even if you didn't, email means there's a trail, you can control when you choose to read/engage with him etc. So stick with email, I agree.

Leafy3 · 05/09/2022 11:49

Hello, Police?

Yes, sir, how can we help?

I demanded my ex email me and she's texting me instead

Would you like to report a crime sir?

Yes I've just told you - my ex is texting me when I only want her to email me, you need to arrest her!

.....Yeah, I can't see this working out the way he thinks tbh, op.

JennyForeigner · 05/09/2022 11:54

Any twat can say they'll 'get a barrister'. That's literally the point of barristers.

He won't though. He can't be that stupid.

Happy birthday OP. Better times are coming x

QueenoftheAngles · 05/09/2022 11:56

Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 11:46

@QueenoftheAngles no he’s not said that just that he will only accept me communicating by email and if I ignore that he will report it.

Show quote history

Oh ok, sorry I got you mixed up with someone else where the police had been involved because of an allegation of harassment.

In your situation I would ignore him completely- he is causing you stress at the worst time possible. I think things will look very different for you once the baby arrives and you’ll definitely have better birthdays! In the meantime you need to look after yourself as a priority. Take each day at a time, eat cake, watch whatever you want on TV, try and get lots of sleep. You shouldn’t have to deal with this now and you have every right not to. Might be worth speaking to your midwife if you feeling very down so they can hopefully point you in the direction of some support

Leafy3 · 05/09/2022 11:59

JennyForeigner · 05/09/2022 11:54

Any twat can say they'll 'get a barrister'. That's literally the point of barristers.

He won't though. He can't be that stupid.

Happy birthday OP. Better times are coming x

Doesn't require a barrister either, but if he wants to chuck his money away that's up to him.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2022 12:06

QueenoftheAngles · 05/09/2022 11:56

Oh ok, sorry I got you mixed up with someone else where the police had been involved because of an allegation of harassment.

In your situation I would ignore him completely- he is causing you stress at the worst time possible. I think things will look very different for you once the baby arrives and you’ll definitely have better birthdays! In the meantime you need to look after yourself as a priority. Take each day at a time, eat cake, watch whatever you want on TV, try and get lots of sleep. You shouldn’t have to deal with this now and you have every right not to. Might be worth speaking to your midwife if you feeling very down so they can hopefully point you in the direction of some support

Show quote history

"eat cake" Best advise on the thread so far!

Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 12:08

Thank you everyone.

I just want him out of my life to be honest. I am happy to accept finance outside cms if reasonable and I’m happy to communicate about dc but that is literally it. I don’t need dramatic references to barristers etc. It’s pointless as I have no need to talk with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jet2adl · 05/09/2022 12:10

@C0rnflake happy birthday. Thank you for sharing it gives me some hope. Life feels dark right now xx

OP posts:
MsMarch · 05/09/2022 12:11

Yup - so just ignore all those threats. Initiate nothing (except CMS if necessary).

JennyForeigner · 05/09/2022 12:20

Leafy3 · 05/09/2022 11:59

Doesn't require a barrister either, but if he wants to chuck his money away that's up to him.

Show quote history

Absolutely :-)

bloodyunicorns · 05/09/2022 12:21

Your ex sounds like an abusive twat. He's trying to bully you. Don't sign anything. Block him on everything and focus on you and the baby. When the baby is here, go through CMS for maintenance.

Anyone can get involved with a n abusive man. They can be very persuasive. There's nothing wrong with you!

Just thank your lucky stars that you are free from the relationship.

Ring a friend, meet up with someone and go out for lunch or coffee.

Think positive. Next birthday your baby will be here!