So resentful of my DD who I adore

[Introvertedandalone]

I don’t know why I’m posting here other than to vent and offload.

from the outside, I’ve got it made. I have a beautiful 11 year old DD Who is the centre of my world. A lovely dog, a brilliant life where we do loads of adventurous stuff. A great and fulfilling job.

I would never ever ever do anything to hurt my DD so please don’t worry from this post. I never would. But I resent her so much because she’s the only reason I have to stay alive and I really wish I didn’t have to. I want to be done with life so much. I am so desperately lonely and unfulfilled and unhappy. And if it wasn’t for her I would just end my life without question. There is no one else in this world who’d even notice I wasn’t here. And it’s so selfish for me to feel this way because she’s incredible and brave and funny and strong and great company. But I just wish I didn’t have the responsibility of her so I could just not be here.

to be honest there are no answers. I know I could make more friends but I don’t have the time or the energy. The friends I have don’t really seem that interested when I’ve tried to talk to them about how I feel. But they have busy lives and I do understand them not wanting to get involved. I’ve seen therapists but don’t have the means for that at the moment. All my friends have busy families and social lives and don’t have the time for me. I don’t have any family. I’ve just spent 6 weeks with only an 11 year old for company and she’s superb and we have such a laugh together but I feel so alone.

oh and when I try dating the only people interested in me are seedy men in their 50s and 60s. Everyone my age (late 30s) is either newly settled down or there’s a reason they’re single.

wow, now I’ve written it down it sounds so self pitying . I don’t know quite what I want from posting here cos I know the advice I’m likely to get. I’m just wanting to feel a little less desperate and trapped and alone I guess.

i left my EA parents aged 18 and went to live with A man who turned out to also be EA, who I left a year ago. I’ve spent my whole life walking on eggshells and being careful what I say and do. I work with traumatised and abused children. I totally understand how to support others. But seemingly am useless at supporting myself. I know I need to get out and connect with people but my life is so intense and draining already. When I have downtime I just want to be alone but it’s never enough. I want to be looked after but who’d bother. Turns out only sad older men would pretend to care about me for a leg over.

I don't have a magic answer and whilst I can't identify with your exact feelings I know how it feels to have lost yourself and find no way to get it together.
One thing at a time though. Can you find a small hobby to enjoy everyday once she is in bed? A book? An excercise machine? Good films or re runs of friends? A tub of ice cream and sprinkles- it doesn't matter which - It's not going to change things if you're underlying depressed but it can help you get through each day.

Obv if you're a danger to yourself or her, call Samaritans. Actually, call anyone. Anyone will help.

I felt like that once. Just staying alive my for 4 year old.

Life moved on, he’s 28 now and just amazing and l have a Dd 16 who is also amazing. Life changes all the time.

But l remember the hole that you’re in. Anti depressants got me through.

Sending you good wishes OP. I hope you can talk to the GP and get anti depressants.

This might sound like it’s in the wrong thread but - Go to Girlguiding.com , register your daughter and apply to be a volunteer. You could both have a new local community to be part of within a few weeks. There’s plenty to help with and lots of nice ladies and kids to meet 😀

I understand how you feel. My DD is one of my favourite people but whole summer holidays with just her would be very unhealthy!

@Introvertedandalone

from the outside, I’ve got it made. I have a beautiful 11 year old DD Who is the centre of my world. A lovely dog, a brilliant life where we do loads of adventurous stuff. A great and fulfilling job.

Read again what you've posted above . Most people would give everything to be in your position .
Get help .

I think it might be time for you to think of a different career, OP. You are surrounded by trauma - no wonder you're depressed.

“When you’re struggling reach out to people….”

oh yeah this is why I don’t. Thanks.

OP any chance you can change jobs.
You're surrounded by others peoples issues and it wears you down.

Make an appointment with your GP. explain how your feeling..💐

Vile

Please visit your gp and talk to them, until you start taking medication and or get counseling, you will not start to feel better. Maybe there is a local group you can join to get some adult company what about a book club. Maybe try to find a dog walking group, or join a gym. Our local library used to have scrabble sessions. Getting some exercise is a great way to lift your mood. It wont happen overnight but you can make changes.

This is probably very good advice but unfortunately not really an option for me. I’m pretty high up a very niche ladder and being a single mum couldn’t afford to go back to the bottom of a different one.

Can people STOP with their nasty comments.
This is chat not aibu.

OP ignore the nasty bullies.

You’re all right thanks for the reality check. I do need to get to the GP. I haven’t registered at the one near me since we ran away from my ex. I’ll get on it. T

Thanks. Very kind of you to stand up for me. But tbh it’s probably the reality check I need. I am being pretty self absorbed and I’m very aware of that. And it’s selfish of me not to get the help I need.

You work with trauma impacted people so you know all this. You're really clearly depressed and also trauma impacted.

Pretend you're a client. First stop GP, self-care, talking therapy, crisis planning. You know this.

Oh, and ignore arseholes. Just like real trolls, they disappear if you close your eyes to them.

This appalling response just reveals you as someone who has no understanding of what OP is saying and lacks the intelligence and self awareness to realise this.

You also lack reading comprehension skills as OP is clearly not blaming her daughter for how she feels.

FFS.

everyone has been very real(!) and fair, and kinder than I deserve. I grew up feeling very angry with my dad for not getting the help he should have, so I do get it.

I’ll get sorted. Thanks everyone

Don't feed the trolls people. Focus on the OP.

@AthenaPopodopolous - your angry???
At a woman asking for a tiny bit of support???
Your angry that a woman is feeling suicidal???
Well I'm bloody furious with you. I don't think the poster just needs to pull herself together - she actually wishes she was dead.
Sorry if this angers you.

I’ll get sorted. Thanks everyone

Look after yourself lovey. For you, not just DD.

Go to GP and get some medication to help. Think about getting a cat. They are wonderful company once your dd is in bed and you can tell them anything and they don't judge you. Don't give up on dating because someone wonderful could be waiting put there for you. Give yourself little treats to keep yourself going.