So resentful of my DD who I adore

[Introvertedandalone]

I don’t know why I’m posting here other than to vent and offload.

from the outside, I’ve got it made. I have a beautiful 11 year old DD Who is the centre of my world. A lovely dog, a brilliant life where we do loads of adventurous stuff. A great and fulfilling job.

I would never ever ever do anything to hurt my DD so please don’t worry from this post. I never would. But I resent her so much because she’s the only reason I have to stay alive and I really wish I didn’t have to. I want to be done with life so much. I am so desperately lonely and unfulfilled and unhappy. And if it wasn’t for her I would just end my life without question. There is no one else in this world who’d even notice I wasn’t here. And it’s so selfish for me to feel this way because she’s incredible and brave and funny and strong and great company. But I just wish I didn’t have the responsibility of her so I could just not be here.

to be honest there are no answers. I know I could make more friends but I don’t have the time or the energy. The friends I have don’t really seem that interested when I’ve tried to talk to them about how I feel. But they have busy lives and I do understand them not wanting to get involved. I’ve seen therapists but don’t have the means for that at the moment. All my friends have busy families and social lives and don’t have the time for me. I don’t have any family. I’ve just spent 6 weeks with only an 11 year old for company and she’s superb and we have such a laugh together but I feel so alone.

oh and when I try dating the only people interested in me are seedy men in their 50s and 60s. Everyone my age (late 30s) is either newly settled down or there’s a reason they’re single.

wow, now I’ve written it down it sounds so self pitying . I don’t know quite what I want from posting here cos I know the advice I’m likely to get. I’m just wanting to feel a little less desperate and trapped and alone I guess.

Whilst I think your job is incredibly important, it’s not worth making you feel like this. And I’m sure a massive part of it is because you’re listening to awful things all day long.

Can you side step into something related instead of totally starting again?

The advice to treat yourself as you would a client is good. Can you try to look at it objectively? Maybe write everything down and then reread it imagining it's somebody else and think what you would do to help them?

Sounds like you've had a very tough time and are possibly being constantly triggered by your work, it's no wonder you're struggling

It's not your fault, don't beat yourself up. This can get better though, please speak to your GP about the possibility of medication and/or therapy.

OP you are lonely, loneliness is corrosive. We all need to feel connected to other people. You also sound like someone who has not had the well of inner security that comes from having had a loving and supportive family. Of course you are focusing inwardly when you don’t have those secure and close relationships to shift your focus outwards. People who have always had this don’t realise how destructive it is not to have these relationships.

You’ve done tremendously to overcome your upbringing to build a successful career in a much needed area and to build what sounds like a tremendous relationship with your own daughter.

@Introvertedandalone - doctors asap to have a discussion. Book a double appointment if you can. If there's a long wait time then consider asking for an emergency appointment. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other for a little longer until you can access the correct service providers that can help you. xx

Whilst I'm not going to suggest girl guides, the previous poster is onto a good thing. Volunteering and getting involved in something with your dd opens doors and relationships for you.
Lots of good advice on here, and it takes strength and a will to change to open yourself up to strangers and post on here. Those that wish to beat you when they are down are only doing so because they are reflecting themselves.

My thoughts for what it's worth

1. Speak to a doctor for some anti depressants
2. Try to find a way to do some counselling
3. Accept that you feel this way and that it doesn't mean you aren't good enough or that you don't love enough - difficult emotions can sit next to positive ones and both need to be heard and respected. Feeling it doesn't mean you have to do anything with it - but ignoring it may mean it ends up consuming you.
4. Stop looking for men. The way you feel at the moment means you will find the ones who make you feel bad. Not because the universe will push them towards you but because they will be showing red flags at an early stage and because of where your head is at you are not recognising it early enough - whether that is the first sleazy message you don't pay enough attention to or the third date when it is clear who and how they are. Sort your head out first and then put yourself out there - you will knock back the ones who don't deserve any of your time and hopefully find someone who does

OP, it can change. Really, it can. I have been there and never thought I would be able to say I'd come out the other side but I have. Have you looked to see if you can source some support from some of the mental health charities (as well as speaking to your GP).

Ignore the bullies. You have been brave to reach out. I hope today can be the first day of a change for you

Horrible.
Op, Massive hugs. you sound very defeated and drained. Your feelings are valid, and you have good reason to feel this way. No one wants to feel lonely. I also think it's worth seeing your gp.

I agree with a pp...life changes all the time. Your life won't always be like this.

I think focusing on the fact you resent your DD is unnecessary. I don't think you really do resent her anyway.

I do think you should see you gp...maybe they might recommend some medication? And you should seek counselling for your past trauma... wishing you all the best

What an appalling post. Literally my jaw fell open reading this that someone could be so breathtakingly cruel.

Reported.

Way to kick someone when they're down. Don't be an arsehole, just scroll on.

Jesus, that is one of the worst things I've read on here for some time.

Op, you can get through this but like others have said, you need to get to the GP and get some anti-depressants. Hang on in there, like you say, you can see that you have a beautiful daughter who needs her mum, and the best thing you can do is get yourself some help asap.

Please speak to your GP, and ignore the awful comments. Some people are just plain nasty. I’m sorry you feel this way and have no helpful comments to add but I agree with the change of career, it can make sure a difference (speaking from experience!)

good luck x

@AthenaPopodopolous I've also reported your post. Unbelievably nasty when a poster is looking for some support!

Op, sending you unmumsnetty hugs. Hope things improve for your soon. 💐x

Agree with this.

I understand how you’re feeling but you need to stop blaming DD for your issues.

Not only is it not her fault but if anything ever happened to her you’d never forgive yourself.

Definitely see your gp but I’d also look for something that makes your life more fulfilling - a new hobby, gym membership, business idea, PT uni course.

A lot probably stems from your EA relationship.
You’re so used to feeling not good enough because others have made you feel that way that it’s hard to now be your own person and start feeling good about yourself.

I don’t think AthenaPopodopolous post is that bad.

They obviously have experience with this sort of thing and are frustrated on OPs DDs behalf.

Sorry about that shitposter above OP.

And even more sorry you are feeling so terribly down. I know what it feels like to want it all to be over. Antidepressants helped me. Have you tried any medication?

I can see a connection between you helping traumatised children and your own experience of childhood abuse. Not sure you'd agree but the fact of you helping them says to me that you have the capacity to help and heal yourself.

You've acted really courageously - you recognised the harm your parents caused and you left them. You've recognised you were in an abusive relationship and left your partner. Those are massive achievements. Sending you love and strength X

I think everyone has added something helpful. Even the posts people are shocked by. (Even if they did make me cry big snotty faced tears!)

I know, really I do know, I need to get out and meet new people.

not an excuse but it’s tough. I work long hours and I really really can’t change job at the moment. Since leaving my marriage we are living in a place that can be difficult and needs a lot of time and effort to do daily things that others take for granted, meaning that by the time we’re set, I’m drained and ready for bed. My daughter is autistic and struggles to go out or mix with others.

these aren’t excuses. I’ll make it work and “woman up” I’m sure. But just a flavour of why I seem to have done very little to help myself.

I’m sorry I was so cutting. I’ve had two suicides in my family and I see and feel the utter devastation. Please God just seek help. I’ve also felt suicidal too and the best thing was my mother giving a really good talking too and basically a boot up the backside. I get angry about it, yes. Because you are hurting and if you don’t try to come to terms with your pain or change whatever is making you miserable, you mental health will have a huge impact on your daughter. I grew up with a depressed mum and it’s not nice. You have it within your power to do something about it.

The last time I posted on here was almost a year ago, when I needed help and encouragement to leave my husband. I got a selection of kindness and tough love then too but it got me to do it.

little did I know I’d be feeling even more lost a year down the line. Not that I’d want to go back either.

Your message makes me think you must be depressed. Please go to your GP and ask for help. Anti depressants take time to work but they do eventually.

Maybe a break from work would be helpful, as in call in sick and if necessary then get signed off for a bit.

Can you access any help through your job?

Things will get better for you, unfortunately it takes time. A gp appointment is the first step. You can do this.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

your apology and context means a lot. Thanks. I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a difficult time. It sounds awful. And I’m also sorry that my post brought up such difficult feelings for you. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

like you, I always felt so angry that the people around me didn’t seek any help. i need to.

I promise I would never ever do anything to hurt myself or anyone around me. But I wanted to get across the severity of my feelings.