So resentful of my DD who I adore

[Introvertedandalone]

I don’t know why I’m posting here other than to vent and offload.

from the outside, I’ve got it made. I have a beautiful 11 year old DD Who is the centre of my world. A lovely dog, a brilliant life where we do loads of adventurous stuff. A great and fulfilling job.

I would never ever ever do anything to hurt my DD so please don’t worry from this post. I never would. But I resent her so much because she’s the only reason I have to stay alive and I really wish I didn’t have to. I want to be done with life so much. I am so desperately lonely and unfulfilled and unhappy. And if it wasn’t for her I would just end my life without question. There is no one else in this world who’d even notice I wasn’t here. And it’s so selfish for me to feel this way because she’s incredible and brave and funny and strong and great company. But I just wish I didn’t have the responsibility of her so I could just not be here.

to be honest there are no answers. I know I could make more friends but I don’t have the time or the energy. The friends I have don’t really seem that interested when I’ve tried to talk to them about how I feel. But they have busy lives and I do understand them not wanting to get involved. I’ve seen therapists but don’t have the means for that at the moment. All my friends have busy families and social lives and don’t have the time for me. I don’t have any family. I’ve just spent 6 weeks with only an 11 year old for company and she’s superb and we have such a laugh together but I feel so alone.

oh and when I try dating the only people interested in me are seedy men in their 50s and 60s. Everyone my age (late 30s) is either newly settled down or there’s a reason they’re single.

wow, now I’ve written it down it sounds so self pitying . I don’t know quite what I want from posting here cos I know the advice I’m likely to get. I’m just wanting to feel a little less desperate and trapped and alone I guess.

I’ve been under my CMHT for a few years now, so I’m already on heavy duty meds - didn’t stop me being actively suicidal for a few months earlier this year during a huge crisis.

I too only stayed alive for my children, and it does give a strange dynamic where the people you love more than anything you also resent because they’re tethering you to a world you’d rather no longer be in.

I haven’t felt actively suicidal since I had them (eldest is a teenager), but I had abusive parents and have spent a good chunk of my life feeling that way, so it was fucking terrifying to find myself feeling that way, with the frankly crushing responsibility of my children on top.

I knew it would eventually pass, as it had before, but Christ, I really was white knuckling reality for first 5 months of this year.

You are not alone OP. Lots of us have been there too. I really wish you and your daughter all the best and I’m glad you came here to tell us how you feel.

I’ve been where you are more than once.
So much good advice here OP, but what strikes me is that you don’t have time. Time to meet people, time to make real friendships, time to relax, time to look after yourself….

You need to make time, put time aside for you. If a new hobby suits you, then great. But it feels to me that what you really need to do is slow down and breathe. You’re all things to all people, but where do you come into this?
Before you spread yourself even thinner trying to meet people who might take care of you, pause for a minute. Start to look after yourself. You deserve it, and you need to show yourself that.
Take a walk every day. Notice the little stuff. Do something nice for yourself every day- a bubble bath, nice chocolate, half an hour with a book, coffee in silence in the garden in the morning, whatever. But do it, because you deserve it.
Everything else will come in time.

Not being facetious, but do you think you could enjoy gardening? Planting thing and seeing them grow - looking after them etc. can be therapeutic for some people.

This is very true and resonates with me so much. It’s the time I need. I am spread very thin. I need to find some way to address it.

Thank you for “getting it”. It means a lot to know I’m not a monster for feeling the way I do!

im very glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better now.

Yes I do like the idea and have a few pots outside although I don’t have a garden. My dd also enjoys caring for them and is better at it than I am. It’s nice to have something we both care for together.

Thank you. It means a lot. I promise I’ll get some help.

1. Stop being so hard on yourself. You have achieved so much with what sounds like very little support. You don't resent your daughter. She is just the focus of your resentment because she's there all the time atm.

1. Get counselling/therapy for PTSD. Is this available through work/an OH referral? You may even get work time to attend appointments.

1. Look for volunteering/hobbies which match your circumstances. There will be social clubs/hobby groups for (single) parents of children who are ND. Google it.

1. Take a short period of time off sick from work if it will help to clear your head.

1. In the longer term, consider changing jobs. It is just too much trauma and you sound like you are at the end of yout emotional tether. You need to do work which doesn't add to your emotional load.

1. Keep posting on here. You said it helped you to leave your abusive husband. You did the right thing. You were in survival mode when you were with him but you now have PTSD. You need help to move on to the next stage of recovery.

This is very true. The “loneliness is corrosive” hit home to me.

I’d love for there to be someone who’d be there for me after a tough day or who could shoulder some of the burden of day to day nonsense.

one day…fingers crossed.

If you want someone to chat to, my inbox is always open on here. 💐

You’re not a monster. It’s very normal (according to my Psych and my therapist). Verbalising it really helped me. Squashing things down - for me, anyway, makes me far worse.

People helpfully suggested things to me when they knew I was struggling (but not that I was AS) and I just wanted to laugh in their faces - as a full time working, lone parent to three, one of whom I have 24/7 as my abusive ex isn’t allowed anywhere near us - how the fuck was I meant to find time, energy or spoons for things like “have a nice bath”? When I barely had time/energy/spoons to brush my teeth!

It took me until I was 32 to get a GP who took me seriously and didn’t hesitate to send me to CMHT, and I was very lucky to have an amazing Psych for 3 years (who’s now left and I’m stuck with an utterly useless arsehole, fortunately I’m stable so it’s just a basic check in every 12 weeks).

I fought tooth and nail from 15 years old and was dismissed and ignored, even when I landed in A&E multiple times and barely survived what I did to myself.

Nor do I have family - my mother I’ve long been NC with, my Dad wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire and I’ve recently gone NC with him after realising the only reason he’s got away with treating me so badly for the last decade is because I was dismissing it with “but he’s my only parent”.

I have a lot of siblings but I can’t remember the last time I saw any of them; they’re all chaotic, addicts, abusers themselves; I’m the only one who broke the damn cycle and it will take its toll on me until the day I die.

could you consider giving up sugar and alcohol - it’s so so bad for depression.

Also instead of making friends that can seem a bit daunting can you join an activity you’d enjoy? Just to give you an extra purpose/ do something for yourself?

it sounds like you are a great mum and have brought up your kid really well in very difficult circumstances. Get yourself some MH help, and this will help you enjoy your life. All the best.

I’m so sorry to hear what a tough time you’ve been through. But thank you for sharing. I do identify with the not having “spoons” for those things. My community were having a BBQ today and I was invited but wrote this post while watching them out of my window instead and then sobbed in the shower so my DD wouldn’t know. I do need to get help.

Oh OP a massive hug. I’m currently on anti depressants and completely understand the joyless and grey feeling with no escape. I promise you that this is just a phase.

One thing that stood out to me and I mean this very gently is your priorities. You say you left your ex a year ago and are already trying to date online? A break up can be very traumatic especially if it was abusive. Why are you prioritising dating and trying to find someone when you have no other kind of support? That should be your priority right now.
Also if you have time to date (I’m assuming you must have some sort of childcare or how else would you be able to arrange a date?) then you must have time for adult friendships outside of DD? Even if it’s just going to the gym or going to your friends house for a cuppa/glass of wine. It can make the WORLD of difference.

Stay away from men. Seriously. Don’t even entertain the idea. Get yourself to the point where you are enjoying life without any romantic entanglements. Then if someone comes along they’ll be the right sort of person. If your happy with yourself then you’ll only date someone if they add to your life. Not to fill a void.

when you have no family support then it’s easy to have a string of abusive/dysfunctional relationships as you feel a need for someone for support/love. It’s natural. But the kind of men that you’ll attract will not be the sort that will add to your life right now.

best wishes lovely.

I don't think you have said anything wrong tbh. I don't think you resent your DD but it's the daily grind.

You need to get yourself a social life. Stop excuses ask your friend out one evening. What dating app did you try? On Hinge you filter your preferences such as age.... why is your limit set to older guys beyond what you would like?

Dating apps can be tedious but don't write them off!

I’m not actually talking about dating apps. Just people I’ve met locally. When word gets out that you’re single all the seedy men seem to come out of the woodwork. I live in a community where people often go when they’ve left a marriage so there are a lot of divorced men. It’s fairly obvious why they’re divorced. But I means I get possibly a skewed view of what men are like.

you’re all right who have said I need to steer clear. ^^

OP. I sincerely you go and get the help you need. And you manage to find a life that you desire. Sending you hugs

You may have vicarious trauma and if you do you probably need time off, maybe some counselling and lots of nurture

OP I know this was a message reaching out for help but what struck me when I read it was how much strength also came across. You are someone who has achieved a lot already in life in hard circumstances and you continue to achieve a lot every day with a tough job and solo parenting. I think you came here for a nudge to do all the things you already know how to do, you are just absolutely at your limit of having the energy to even think of it for yourself.

I agree with lots of the advice here: be honest with a GP about how you’re feeling, get yourself signed off for a couple of weeks and use that time to make a short, medium and long term plan. On short term plan for those two weeks you really need to just be kind to yourself - insist on medication/talking therapy from GP, Walk/other exercise every day, do some guided meditation online, find a babysitter to do something just for you even if it’s only once a month. As others have asked, is there any help you can access through work? An employee assistance phone line, certain number of counselling sessions, staff networks etc? Then medium term, focus on how to sustain this “you” time when the two weeks is up, eg. Join a running club/knit and natter/whatever is your thing and find a regular babysitter, even if just once a month, so you continue to have something that brings you joy. Find a local group of solo parents/parents of autistic children etc so you can find people to talk to. Long term, explore if you could change career/cut back some hours etc as it seems to be draining, but you can’t necessarily change it right now, think about what steps you’d need to take over the next 1-2 years to make that a reality.

I am really hopeful for you that this time will pass. Sending a big hug!

Prick

This is a very kind and helpful message, thank you. I’m so grateful to everyone who’s held out their hands to me tonight. I needed it. Thanks again.

I am sorry that you’re feeling like this. It must awful for you. Take each day, moment at a time. Try to find some better friends who really care.