So resentful of my DD who I adore

[Introvertedandalone]

I don’t know why I’m posting here other than to vent and offload.

from the outside, I’ve got it made. I have a beautiful 11 year old DD Who is the centre of my world. A lovely dog, a brilliant life where we do loads of adventurous stuff. A great and fulfilling job.

I would never ever ever do anything to hurt my DD so please don’t worry from this post. I never would. But I resent her so much because she’s the only reason I have to stay alive and I really wish I didn’t have to. I want to be done with life so much. I am so desperately lonely and unfulfilled and unhappy. And if it wasn’t for her I would just end my life without question. There is no one else in this world who’d even notice I wasn’t here. And it’s so selfish for me to feel this way because she’s incredible and brave and funny and strong and great company. But I just wish I didn’t have the responsibility of her so I could just not be here.

to be honest there are no answers. I know I could make more friends but I don’t have the time or the energy. The friends I have don’t really seem that interested when I’ve tried to talk to them about how I feel. But they have busy lives and I do understand them not wanting to get involved. I’ve seen therapists but don’t have the means for that at the moment. All my friends have busy families and social lives and don’t have the time for me. I don’t have any family. I’ve just spent 6 weeks with only an 11 year old for company and she’s superb and we have such a laugh together but I feel so alone.

oh and when I try dating the only people interested in me are seedy men in their 50s and 60s. Everyone my age (late 30s) is either newly settled down or there’s a reason they’re single.

wow, now I’ve written it down it sounds so self pitying . I don’t know quite what I want from posting here cos I know the advice I’m likely to get. I’m just wanting to feel a little less desperate and trapped and alone I guess.

You’re one year out of a lifetime of emotionally abusive relationships and likely still dealing with the practical fallout - please give yourself time. The emotional side takes longer and more sustained effort. Loneliness is understandable but connecting with others takes a vulnerability that you may not be ready for right now. In the short term I would try and introduce things to your routine that will help. Daily affirmations and something that makes you feel at peace. The world can be cruel and your job means you see the worst of all that daily so you need to offset it with something that shows the best. You are doing great even if you don’t see it and can’t feel it right now. In 10 years you will look back and wonder how you managed to be so strong - you’re a survivor.

You sound like a wonderful person and a wonderful mum. I hope you will come to realise that you are worthwhile and deserve happiness, and that you will take the steps you need to take to improve your life. You need support, therapy and possibly medication - it isn't easy, but you can make a life that's better than this. Be kind to yourself and put self care first when you can.

I hear you OP. Lots more people than you probably think are also struggling. It takes great courage to admit how you feel so clearly, as you have done on here today. It's easier to plough on in denial, and just look forward to either being asleep, or the hope that one day something changes.

@Sittingonabench connecting with others takes a vulnerability that you may not be ready for right now

this is exactly what I’m feeling!! Thanks for identifying it. It’s been impossible for me to pinpoint it.

i used to have loads of friends but my exh gradually isolated me from them. It then got to a point where I only saw his friends, and their partners, and even then I felt I had a good social circle amongst them. But after so long of being endlessly berated for the way I’d conducted myself in their company I gradually stopped seeing them too and made excuses to stay at home.

i guess the message I’ve taken from all this is that I’m too awful to be able to socialise. I know logically that’s not true but it’s hard when it’s internalised after 20 years.

my best friend and probably only true friend moved a very very long way away recently and I don’t see her very often. She’s a “fixer” too which makes it hard to talk to her about things that aren’t “fixable”

I’ve always more readily made friends with men. I find groups of women at hobbies, school pick up etc very intimidating. Some women I’ve known have made catty remarks about me in my earshot. I don’t think I understand the social rules of friendships with women very well. As a generalisation of course!

Being a single parent can be incredibly lonely as well as challenging, l felt very trapped when my husband died leaving me to bring up our 7 yr old and 11 yr old sons, but l would like to assure you it does get better, the older your daughter gets the more independant she will become and it will give you more breathing space, unless you have been a sole lone parent without any help or support you will have no idea of the feelings you feel that you never even knew existed. It is a massive respons ibility and scary. Its the reason so many women stay in bad relationships because the thought of having to do it all by themselves is too overwhelming. It takes alot of courage to leave an abusive relationship which proves you are a strong and capable woman. Romantic relationships can be very disapointing, l focus on putting all my energy into myself, l give to myself the time and effort l would have done in looking for a relationship, l fill my own cup, l look at what l already have , two lovely sons, beloved pets, a lovely quiet peaceful home and it brings me great peace of mind knowing that no one else can come and take it away, or ruin it all, or disturb my peace.

I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. If you’re able to find comfort and happiness alone in your circumstances I should also be able to work towards this place. You sound very strong and brave. Your family sounds lovely. Thanks again for telling me about your situation.

I just feel so much compassion for you. You sound such a lovely person too. Hang on in there. Sending you hugs. ❤️

Like pp have suggested op the gp will help you. Antidepressants are great at times like this. I've been where you are and it's awful you feel so alone, but there is help to stop you feeling like this.
Every day try and think of something nice that's happened, just one thing even if it's just the sun shining.
Keep posting and let us know that you've taken the first step and made an appointment with your gp. You'll be so glad you did.

Oh I feel the seedy men and single mothers too… As if we’re all just so desperate for a man in our lives. Eww.

I’ve been single for 7 years… I’m 37. I bloody love it. I would not trade it for anything. The freedom. There is nothing a man can give me that I can’t or don’t already give myself.

@AthenaPopodopolous your second message puts your first into context and I apologise for being angry in my post to you. I'm sorry you've experienced suicide in your family.

I agree that her second message put her first into context, and I can see why she wrote it, and the follow up.

But you being angry on my behalf was probably the most touching of all the incredibly lovely messages I’ve received on here. I was starting to think I wasn’t worth anyones 2 mins on here and then you properly stood up for me despite not knowing me at all and it really made me stop and think that I do mean something and deserve better. Thank you. I don’t think anyone’s ever stood up for me like that.

I suspect you know this, given your line of work, but your childhood trauma appears unresolved, and it is no accident that you ended up working with children in trauma. Until your own childhood is addressed, things will keep coming up for you - you will continue to feel this way. The quicker you can access support for yourself, the faster things will improve. You are helping everyone else, but the person that needs help the most continues to poor from a bone dry empty jug and is helping everyone but herself. As I suspect you learnt to do in childhood. The child within you is still screaming for someone to help and she is still being ignored.
You can not pour from empty jugs op. You know from your work that self care has to come first, your oxygen mask needs to go on first - and yet you have left yourself gasping for air. I don't know whether your role includes supervision, but have you discussed this with anyone else?

You need an emergency appointment tomorrow with the doctor, to be signed off and take a few weeks to rest, get your house in order, get counselling in place and look after yourself and no one else. To do your job you need to have a big support network, strategies in place, a full plan of how you will unwind and leave it all at the door. You have none of this by the sounds of things, and you are at the coal face alone. Please go and get help.

This is a stage in life like all the ones before, it feels bleak and totally relentless when you are there, but it will pass. Everything passes in time. I have been where you are, and when it eventually lifts and you come out blinking into the light. You need to acknowledge that you have been through a tremendous amount of stress with your last relationship, the leaving part is always easy, dealing with the fall out day after day is the hardest part. You will get there.

Go and get an oxygen mask, hold your dd, at some point it is going to get a whole lot better for you

Thinking about what you’ve said here, I worked very hard with a selection of therapists over a number of years to work on the residual issues from my childhood and I honestly think I’ve done all I can with that. I know this is my responsibility to ensure, working in the field I do.

But you made me consider this with your post and I hadn’t even thought about working through the residual trauma from my marriage. And to be honest I think that’s where I’m at now. As the dust from leaving settles I’m left with a mixture of anger and self doubt about whether I deserved the treatment I received. And this is probably what I need some help with now. Thanks for making me consider this.

@Introvertedandalone ❤️. Did you find anytime this morning to make an appointment or have you had a busy morning. x

It’s a bank holiday here so unfortunately it’ll have to wait, I also need to register with my local GP but will try to do so tomorrow. Thanks for checking in with me, it’s much appreciated.

You say you work with vulnerable children - do you have a professional mentor or peer support network?

We have supervision. My next session is in a few weeks. I might discuss how I’ve been feeling then too. I don’t think it’s directly related to a particular client or anything but it’s definitely relevant.

Ooh. It's so bloody frustrating, I am also a fixer and I thought I could neatly decide that my childhood trauma work was 'done', but I was very wrong. And I had a long period of some very difficult internal dialogue/mental illness. It has taken me further therapy and time to come to terms with the damage on a deeper level. I don't think I am there yet, and maybe never will be. Sorry I don't think that's a very clear answer, but I wanted to say take care of yourself and I hope you can find a way through this difficult period.

hmmmm. Maybe you’re right…
bloody trauma. Meanwhile here I am traumatising my poor child by not being who I should be. Arghhhh

Yep, I hear you, but I think it is that crucifying inner dialogue which is the indicator that things aren't 'done'. I went through a long period of barely being able to speak to my kids as I was so afraid I had already damaged them. Clearly that wasn't a healthy time for any of us. Just carry on doing your own work, that is enough. Look after yourself and you will regain balance in your role as her Mum.

By taking care of yourself, you will automatically be taking care of your child.

Be mindful not to let the trauma bed down into another generation, the cycle is so hard to break and you are being tested right now. Does it really matter exactly why you are feeling like you are? It could be your ex, your childhood, your job - or all of it but whatever it is you need some proper solid support and intervention. You can only start to feel better when someone is holding for you a while. Carrying the weight of your own childhood, the loss of support from a partner, the responsibility for your child and all those that you are caring for at work....it is a hell of a lot for one person op.

You need to be held, looked after, put back together and when you are patched up, feeling stronger and your needs are met you can return back to life whole again.

Best wishes and I hope things improve. I’m sorry I don’t have advice for you but I also most-times feel like this. I hate the advice my sister gives to go out and meet people ! I have no energy either to do this. I agree that your job may be getting you down. Hope things improve for you x

I think the advice to put the time and energy (and money) you would put into dating, into yourself is really good.

You have to learn to be your own best friend/parent. I think a few friends/groups to do a few things a month with is nice and stops you getting too introspective.

Otherwise, try to look at all the pluses in your life and be grateful - that's a lot more powerful than you think and helped me get through some severe trauma and grief. It makes you realise what you've achieved, what you value and what you've got!

@Festoonlights - so perfectly worded.

Hi OP

I totally get what you are saying although my experiences weren’t as bad as yours and I have a husband and a couple of more kids which makes things far easier too. However I had to leave my family behind and it caused a lot of hurt and pain. I’m glad I did it though because their behaviour was utterly corrosive.

Things that help me:

1. I tried up a few hobbies.
2. I rarely say no to a social opportunity.
3. I have a therapist I see every 6 weeks which I can afford better due to the gap.
4. I accept I have been traumatised and depressed and the I accept the impacts of those and also I recognise the impact on my children. That way my kids can openly discuss their own issues with me. But but but I am always kind to myself. I am only a human and this stuff is extremely hard and extremely lonely to deal with.

I have wanted to be dead at times too from the depression I experienced but genuinely facing into the pain and dealing with those emotions has largely allowed them to pass and for me to move on to a much better, healthier place. Life constantly changes. It will change for you too. Darkest before the dawn is very true in my experience.