So resentful of my DD who I adore

[Introvertedandalone]

I don’t know why I’m posting here other than to vent and offload.

from the outside, I’ve got it made. I have a beautiful 11 year old DD Who is the centre of my world. A lovely dog, a brilliant life where we do loads of adventurous stuff. A great and fulfilling job.

I would never ever ever do anything to hurt my DD so please don’t worry from this post. I never would. But I resent her so much because she’s the only reason I have to stay alive and I really wish I didn’t have to. I want to be done with life so much. I am so desperately lonely and unfulfilled and unhappy. And if it wasn’t for her I would just end my life without question. There is no one else in this world who’d even notice I wasn’t here. And it’s so selfish for me to feel this way because she’s incredible and brave and funny and strong and great company. But I just wish I didn’t have the responsibility of her so I could just not be here.

to be honest there are no answers. I know I could make more friends but I don’t have the time or the energy. The friends I have don’t really seem that interested when I’ve tried to talk to them about how I feel. But they have busy lives and I do understand them not wanting to get involved. I’ve seen therapists but don’t have the means for that at the moment. All my friends have busy families and social lives and don’t have the time for me. I don’t have any family. I’ve just spent 6 weeks with only an 11 year old for company and she’s superb and we have such a laugh together but I feel so alone.

oh and when I try dating the only people interested in me are seedy men in their 50s and 60s. Everyone my age (late 30s) is either newly settled down or there’s a reason they’re single.

wow, now I’ve written it down it sounds so self pitying . I don’t know quite what I want from posting here cos I know the advice I’m likely to get. I’m just wanting to feel a little less desperate and trapped and alone I guess.

Summer holidays can feel very long with the children we love very much, let alone our worst enemy! 💐

does your dd go to friends houses much? Could she go for a sleepover soon so you can get some head space?

I think mumsnet is a safe place to vent and be honest. It would be good if society could be more honest, sometimes being a mum is completely and utterly crap!

take care op

We’ve moved somewhere we don’t really know anyone. Which is another issue I know I need to sort but it was the best I could afford. She doesn’t really leave my side. She struggles socially due to her ASD although I do all I can to encourage her. I’ve realised in the past 6 weeks I’ve spent a total of 9 hours with adults. No wonder I’m feeling rough.

ok guys I know what I need to do. Need to put my big girl pants on now and get it done.

My 11YO has ASD too and we’ve just moved rural from a city centre - she managed to do a few weeks at primary before she starts secondary. Kids seem to really like her - she’s basically the class clown (like her Dad), she’s chill and funny - but that’s her mask! When she’s home she’s exhausted, there’s been a constant stream of knocks on the door for her and where we are now, I’m happy for her to wander (with her phone), but I’d say she’s taken up only 20% of offers to go to the park/for a wander. She’s just not socially inclined at all.

I don’t know anyone here, either - I’m on the primary class WhatsApp group for my youngest (that was a baptism of fire, having parents who are very chatty at the school gates, previous school not at all and not once in 15 years of parenting have they ever had a class WhatsApp!) and it’s been really useful for finding out activities etc over the summer, but between unpacking the house/putting up furniture alone/heatwaves we’ve pretty much been stuck inside a lot more than we would have been.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll know you need to make friends, but don’t know where to start and also really can’t be arsed.

I think a chat with the GP would be really helpful, I'm so glad you're registering.

When I felt like you, antidepressants were the main thing that helped me. Then later, counselling but i couldn't afford it for a while. You could probably access both of these things through your GP.

Hang on in there lovely, better days will come.

OP I have felt the same way as you for a while now. I won't ever go through with it because I can't leave my kids but it makes me so angry I have to carry on when I know I could escape if it wasn't for them

Oh wow, yes, exactly this. And my dd sounds very similar to your DS.

I just don’t feel robust enough to deal with the hassle and likely disappointments/upset of starting any sort of relationship, friends, or anything more. It’s easier to hide in my hole and not come out. And I know that’s wrong.

Maybe meds will help. I’m usually quite resistant to taking medication so the fact I’m even saying this shows how crap I’m feeling.

Oh my gosh I’m so sorry to hear that you’re also feeling so low. Has any of the advice on this thread helped you? I think there’s been some really useful and kind advice on here.

i would absolutely never in a million years do anything either. And I guess to look at it another way I have my dd to thank for keeping me on the straight and narrow. It’s just hard to always see it like that.

Thank you. Whether I’ll get an appointment - and then whether I’ll be brave enough to bring it up with them amidst all my other health issues I’ll inevitably need to discuss with a new GP, is a different matter. I’ll try my best.