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Original poster

Dh reacts so weirdly to gifts - I find it quite hurtful.

126 replies

Wisteriabloom · 22/08/2022 19:31

A few examples -

We have a mutual friend, Rob, (not his real name)! He's a talented artist, his work is fairly well-known locally. For dh's recent birthday I showed Rob a photo of the holiday home in Cornwall dh's family own. They've owned it since dh's childhood, and it holds special memories. I asked if Rob could paint it, for the normal price he'd charge a customer. He did! It's beautiful, so I got it framed and gave it to dh for his birthday present. When he opened it he just laughed, and said 'Oh is this one of Rob's?', and put it to one side. 🤔 He has at least put it on the wall, without me asking, so that's something but I was miffed at his total non-reaction.

Similar to a framed print (I don't always give pictures, these are the only times I've given them as presents, but I won't again)!! This print was tg

OP posts:
Discovereads · 22/08/2022 22:35

I don’t think his reaction is wierd. He’s keeping a good humour by smiling and chuckling 😅about gifts he obviously doesn’t like so it shows he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by frowning and doing disappointed huffs. 😤

I don’t like sentimental gifts either, nor do I like beer. In fact for my birthday I’ve gotten tickets to a WWII air show! So excited! I don’t think many would like that either as a gift, but I do.

So I agree, instead of going for thoughtful or sentimental, have a think about what he likes and consider events/experiences instead of stuff. For example, he likes beer so maybe a visit to a microbrewery for a bit of beer tasting?
makeitbritish.co.uk/best-of-british/british-breweries/

HairyMcLarie · 22/08/2022 22:37

I'd prefer no gift at all compared to something like the things you've described that someone thought was 'thoughtful'. It would make me feel very 'put on the spot' and I'm in no way sentimental so those two things would make me feel very awkward and I'd secretly hate them.

My aunt has a caravan we spent every childhood holiday in. I'd be veryConfused if I got a painted picture of it.

How much can someone effuse over a picture anyway?

MillyWithaY · 22/08/2022 22:40

rwalker · 22/08/2022 21:12

Don’t mean to be rude but I’d be gutted to get ether if those presents couldn’t think of anything worse

Seriously? You seriously couldn't think of anything worse than a painting of your childhood holiday home and framed lyrics to a sentimental song? You have zero imagination. How about a plastic donkey for the garden and a book of cat cartoons?

OP you're getting a kicking here for no reason. Your gifts were thoughtful, and I'd be so thankful to receive gifts that meant something. I usually get crap toiletries and books I have no interest in.

SirenSays · 22/08/2022 22:41

YANBU I've shown more enthusiasm for someone letting me borrow their pen at work. He knows thought went into the gifts. Even if he absolutely hated the actual present, he should have appreciated that.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 22/08/2022 22:50

Honestly, this seems a bit like being seen to have chosen a ‘thoughtful gift’ is more important than whether your husband actually likes it or not. The painting of the holiday home was a clever idea, but it also relies on something pretty distinctive being to someone’s taste - and even though you knew he hadn’t been as excited as you’d hoped about the song lyric print, you still got him something in a similar vein and were shocked when he wasn’t thrilled.

Some good friends of mine have a cartoon-style family portrait done by an artist friend. They absolutely love it. I can see it’s very well done and the artist is very talented, but I wouldn’t have anything like that on my wall in a million years. It’s all down to personal taste.

threecupsofteaminimum · 22/08/2022 22:52

Yeh, I'll be brutal they're very twee gifts for a bloke.

Maybe think about what he'd like rather than what you would, or possibly consider you have different tastes and he may get tired of the lack of regard for his personality.

WonderingWanda · 22/08/2022 22:57

He's obviously not the sentimental type. Why don't you buy him the sort of gift he would like rather than what you would like

Thisbastardcomputer · 22/08/2022 22:58

This is exactly why I stopped buying the man that lives in my house anything.

Bangolads · 22/08/2022 23:03

Mmm if your thoughtful presents come with an unspoken caveat that he must react in a certain way to make you feel good it doesn’t really seem like a present to your husband- it seems likes it’s all about you. If he doesn’t like thoughtful presents that’s fine. It seems more that you want emotional connection and are trying to find ways to orchestrate that. Is he generally hard to connect with?

Christmasiscominghohoho · 22/08/2022 23:26

I’d also prefer wine/chocs to a framed picture.

Original poster
Wisteriabloom · 22/08/2022 23:28

Thanks for all your responses! Ok, I can see that only a small minority of posters would have appreciated the gifts. The fact is, for normal birthdays, Christmases and Fathers Day (from the kids, obviously!) I tend to go down the beer/chocs/DVD route, but for a special anniversary and 50th birthday I felt something more special' was needed. Obviously I got that very wrong, so in future I'll stick to the ordinary! It's not all about me at all, it was about making his celebrations special!

I don't think presents mean so much to him anyway, somehow. A few years ago we'd ordered our ds a games console, which we were hoping would arrive in time for Xmas. Anyway, it arrived the day before Xmas Eve, when I was at work. It completely escaped dh that it would need to be wrapped up, put under the tree and gift tag signed from both of us. Dh took it straight upstairs, knocked on ds's bedroom door and gave it to him! He thought as ds knows what he's doing , he could set it up there and then, so it was ready to be played with over Xmas, rather than spend time settling it up on Xmas morning!

Dh did apologise when I pointed this out that evening, and realised he'd messed up the 'present giving', but he just didn't think! We are quite different in that way, it seems. 🤔

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 22/08/2022 23:28

Two options:

  1. He works on improving his fake appreciation.
  2. You start asking what kind of presents he likes and buy those.
I’d go for option 1.
Christmasiscominghohoho · 22/08/2022 23:39

Summerfun54321 · 22/08/2022 23:28

Two options:

  1. He works on improving his fake appreciation.
  2. You start asking what kind of presents he likes and buy those.
I’d go for option 1.

Problem with option 1 is then you get more of the crap you don’t like/want.

Johnnysgirl · 22/08/2022 23:41

Summerfun54321 · 22/08/2022 23:28

Two options:

  1. He works on improving his fake appreciation.
  2. You start asking what kind of presents he likes and buy those.
I’d go for option 1.

How would op go for option 1? Someone else's reaction isn't within her control.

IrisVersicolor · 23/08/2022 07:11

I tend to go down the beer/chocs/DVD route, but for a special anniversary and 50th birthday I felt something more special' was needed. Obviously I got that very wrong, so in future I'll stick to the ordinary! It's not all about me at all, it was about making his celebrations special!

I think you can do something more special, but it needs to be something special to him. So ask him.

diddl · 23/08/2022 07:22

Dh took it straight upstairs, knocked on ds's bedroom door and gave it to him!

That seems odd to me!

Even if your son knew what he was getting it could have gone under the tree!

I do get the not being interested in presents though.

There's rarely anything I want & to buy for the sake of it just seems a waste-although consumables are always appreciated!

I suppose I don't need presents to know that I'm loved & appreciated.

CornedBeef451 · 23/08/2022 08:42

@MillyWithaY I'd prefer a donkey for the garden and cat cartoons!

DH once gave me song lyrics printed over a photo of our wedding day but the poem he chose so was cringey and completely not us that it made me feel a bit sick.

Turns out he hadn't even read it as words aren't important to him ... but they are to me! So it was another gift which showed he didn't know me at all.

He is often better now, swings wildly between an Oodie which I can't stand and would never wear to fake tattoos to chear me up after a bereavement which I loved!

Whatwouldscullydo · 23/08/2022 08:53

Some people just aren't into gifts and celebrations. I'm.one of them. I hate birthdays. Hate being the centre if attention. Hate having to fake being excited or happy about gifts I didnt ask for /want when actually I'd much rather a bottle of wine and a couple of hours peace. Gifts are just a way to show people how little you actually know about them.

Having said that I would of course always be grateful and polite. I do appreciate people taking the time to pick something out and thinking of me so I'd never be that rude.

but framed pics of lyrics...that sounds like one of those awful face book.tat gifts. Did it come with a free pink glittery wine glass?

LaMadameCholet · 23/08/2022 09:29

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I feel that his reaction is a bit odd and he is being very thoughtless and rude (as are some of the posters on this thread).

AgentMagenta · 23/08/2022 10:30

How can you 'go against the grain' when there are mixed and varied responses?

UWhatNow · 23/08/2022 11:56

I never quite understand this pathological need - and almost anger about it - by posters on ‘presents’ threads that the showing gratitude is the most crucial thing irrespective of how thoughtless or crap a gift is. Surely it’s better to be politely honest and then if you genuinely love a gift, the reaction is authentic. Why do we all have to lie to each other so much?

redskyatnight · 23/08/2022 12:07

UWhatNow · 23/08/2022 11:56

I never quite understand this pathological need - and almost anger about it - by posters on ‘presents’ threads that the showing gratitude is the most crucial thing irrespective of how thoughtless or crap a gift is. Surely it’s better to be politely honest and then if you genuinely love a gift, the reaction is authentic. Why do we all have to lie to each other so much?

It's one reason why I hate getting gifts. The pleasure has gone out of it as it now seems to be all about making the giver feel appreciated, rather actually being something that was a nice thing for the recipient (and one person on this thread has suggested getting a gift you want is "mercenary").

I think "thoughtful" with respect to gifts should mean the giver thought about what the giver actually wanted and got them that. Not that they put a lot of thought into buying a nice gift but didn't consider whether the recipient wanted it or not).

I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH's response. He made a generic comment about the painting when he got it, and put it on the wall (so clearly doesn't hate it). That's a perfectly normal level of gratitude.

thecatsthecats · 23/08/2022 12:07

UWhatNow · 23/08/2022 11:56

I never quite understand this pathological need - and almost anger about it - by posters on ‘presents’ threads that the showing gratitude is the most crucial thing irrespective of how thoughtless or crap a gift is. Surely it’s better to be politely honest and then if you genuinely love a gift, the reaction is authentic. Why do we all have to lie to each other so much?

I think you need to vary your response to the situation.

My ILs always buy me crap gifts WHEN THEY BUY FROM THE LIST THEY ASK ME TO PROVIDE. They even managed to fuck up getting me vouchers by getting vouchers for a store I don't shop at because they don't have a tall/curvy range. But I'm not entitled to a perfect gift from them, and I suck it up and smile.

But I do expect my husband - who is effectively spending joint money - to meet a brief, when he's asked me what he should get. For example I've said multiple times that I prefer one quality gift to a miscellany of small things, and for years he'd keep giving me a half dozen panic presents of varying quality.

InsertPunHere · 23/08/2022 12:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2022 20:08

It's Homer's pre-drilled bowling ball!

That’s what we call those gifts too! 😂

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/08/2022 12:16

You are giving him things he doesn't especially want, and expecting him to be ecstatic. It's like if he bought you a new hammer drill or something. You would smile politely and say "Oh a drill..." And then he would be all disappointed that you weren't rushing off to drill something and tell all your friends about his incredibly ace gift.

I see this all the time on here - people doing for others the things they would like done for them, but with no understanding of the recipient.

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