Dh reacts so weirdly to gifts - I find it quite hurtful.

[Wisteriabloom]

A few examples -

We have a mutual friend, Rob, (not his real name)! He's a talented artist, his work is fairly well-known locally. For dh's recent birthday I showed Rob a photo of the holiday home in Cornwall dh's family own. They've owned it since dh's childhood, and it holds special memories. I asked if Rob could paint it, for the normal price he'd charge a customer. He did! It's beautiful, so I got it framed and gave it to dh for his birthday present. When he opened it he just laughed, and said 'Oh is this one of Rob's?', and put it to one side. 🤔 He has at least put it on the wall, without me asking, so that's something but I was miffed at his total non-reaction.

Similar to a framed print (I don't always give pictures, these are the only times I've given them as presents, but I won't again)!! This print was tg

Well as I said I did say something like that about a present my Dh gave me once. And it was my dc who were upset. And I felt sad to have upset them. So now I'd prefer to spend time with them going out on my birthday than expecting presents at my age. I don't know anyone in my family who thinks it's great to say how you really feel.

Does the phrase it's about the giving not receiving not count for anything these days?

If you look I wrote "only".

Exactly this.

I don't think men are very sentimental on the whole. I don't think most would remember what their first dance was. Or they might, but that's only because their wife says "Ah, it's our song - we had our first dance to it" every time it comes on in the 20 years since they were married.

So most people on this thread would just prefer the cash?

My Dh is far more sentimental than me. And my df about a trillion times more than my dm.

No, were honestly quite often perfectly happy with nothing. Or beer/gin/wine/chocolate.

We'd much rather have nothing than something that we have to pretend to like while feeling guilty about the waste of time, money and resources and then look at, dust or store until a sufficient period has passed that it can be sent to the charity shop and claim that the cat broke it if it's absence is noticed by the giver.

My DH is exactly the same. He likes beer and chocolate and I can sometimes find him a t-shirt that he might like. I've given him a couple of what I considered to be thoughtful gifts before and promptly wished I hadn't bothered. He is also rubbish at buying anything for me. We agreed to stop buying each other presents and just stick to chocolate as we both like that

I can sympathize with this. I hate pointless gifts. Not only do I need to feign gratitude, I then need to put it somewhere, then later I know I'm either going to have move it, or dispose of it. The wasted material alone drains my soul but having to put effort into dealing with the unwanted mass makes it even worse.

Although the gift is seen as thoughtful, it really isn't as you haven't given thought as to whether it was wanted in the first place.

Well as I said upthread @BarbaraofSeville I mostly don't get anything now as I said I prefer it that way. But other posters were talking about what they expected.

Personally, as a giver of gifts, I try to do a bit of both. But plenty of times, if I ask, you get "I don't know". So I do my best. I don't go thinking "what do I want to have them like?"

Those gifts sound awful.

Yes, thoughtful on your part but sounds like he has absolutely no interest in them? What’s he supposed to do with a painting and some lyrics?

He’s your husband, you should know what he likes and what gifts he’d be happy to receive

Those gifts are perhaps what you would like, rather than what he'd like?

I don't know many blokes that would be thrilled with a framed verse from a song, tbh.

I've not given beers to Dh but he has been given them in the past and think he'd think "I could have bought those myself" But never mind.

Exactly this

Doesn't that go for all gifts, really?

Why does there have to be something of financial value given? You know, so many times when we were skint when the kids were little and I was a SAHM I would be disappointed with random gifts that were given to me that never got used, just because our society expects gifts to have a financial value. Inside I was crying out for someone to say "For your birthday, I am not giving you a gift that will not suit you, is not your taste and will end up in the charity shop or sitting in a cupboard out of guilt for the next 5 years. Instead I'll babysit the kids ALL day in my house so you can go off and do your own thing, whether that's going to buy some new clothes that you can try on unharrassed by moaning kids, or reading a book all day, or sitting watching trashy telly all afternoon without any guilt whatsoever." That would have been the BEST present at all, and would cost nothing.

Similarly with the kids' birthdays, when they were very little and already had loads of toys and didn't need any more THINGS, it would have been great if someone had treated them to a the types of days out that we couldn't afford. No-one ever said "I'll take them out to the zoo/safari park/theme park as their birthday present". So what happened was that I would end up saving up my own birthday or Christas money to take them out (I used to have some relatives who lived far away who would send me a cheque in lieu of visiting with a present, which was very very welcome).

I used to love reading but could hardly ever afford to buy my own books. People never got me book tokens as they were horrified at the thought "oh no! That's not a proper present." But that came from people who could afford to buy any book they wanted at any time. I really really couldn't. It would have been GREAT to head to a book shop for a good browse, knowing I had a nice book token to spend.

So yeah. Basically, gifts don't ALWAYS have to be an actual ITEM, or even cost any money to be thoughtful. And you really have to listen to what the recipient would like, rather than what you think is "the done thing in gift giving", or what YOU like.

Sometimes people get embarrassed opening gifts in front of others- it makes them feel like they are the centre of attention in an uncomfortable way, and they worry about reacting the wrong way, so they try and play it off with a shrug and a 'I don't know why you're all fussing over me' attitude.

It can also be something from childhood- I had quite abusive, miserable parents who were very 'who do you think you are, expecting us to fuss over you because it's your birthday? You'd better be grateful and act over the moon with whatever you get or we'll be angry'.

I say this because we have a family friend where we've learned to drop off gifts and let him open them when he's alone because it makes him too uncomfortable to be watched. He can then write us a thank you for the stuff later.

I would prefer a nice bottle of aftershave but i suppose alot of thought went into that gift .

This print was the first verse of the song we had our first dance to

Live Love Laugh by the Originals?

Well exactly my point @Johnnysgirl . Hence it should be about the thought of the gift giver. And sometimes they get it wrong. Hopefully, everyone is happy.

I agree. I was often embarrassed as a kid. No reason behind it. But I try to be chilled out about it now. Because the embarrassment was my issue.

Exactly this.

Did he pick the song and is it a song that means a lot to him?. It does sound slightly corny as a present

I don't think those are particularly thoughtful gifts. They're sentimental, which is different. I wouldn't pretend I loved them either, I'd rather have a box of Maltesers.

He wants beer , so give him beer and maybe spice it up with steak and a BJ to really make his day 😂

I couldn't imagine getting hyped up about a picture with a few words on or a place I stay on holiday if it was given to me.

I get you have probably put some thought into it and would have been happy if it was given to you but if he would have been more pleased with some beer then surely that would have been the better option?

After him not being too excited over the first photo, I probably wouldn't have bothered with the second either.