Dh reacts so weirdly to gifts - I find it quite hurtful.

[Wisteriabloom]

A few examples -

We have a mutual friend, Rob, (not his real name)! He's a talented artist, his work is fairly well-known locally. For dh's recent birthday I showed Rob a photo of the holiday home in Cornwall dh's family own. They've owned it since dh's childhood, and it holds special memories. I asked if Rob could paint it, for the normal price he'd charge a customer. He did! It's beautiful, so I got it framed and gave it to dh for his birthday present. When he opened it he just laughed, and said 'Oh is this one of Rob's?', and put it to one side. 🤔 He has at least put it on the wall, without me asking, so that's something but I was miffed at his total non-reaction.

Similar to a framed print (I don't always give pictures, these are the only times I've given them as presents, but I won't again)!! This print was tg

You’re buying gifts that you like rather than ones he would actually want.

It's Homer's pre-drilled bowling ball!

Does he lack empathy?

I would say my DH does. Doesn't seem to occur to him to show pleasure or gratitude - unwraps things and puts them to one side.
I don't like buying presents as I'm worried they're the wrong thing. Dh can enter a large store and have every present chosen in 20 mins- I thought he must have great taste, later realised he doesn't but somehow as long as he has bought them something how much they like it is irrelevant.

But does that make it fine for the recipient to be offhand?

I think the house painting sounds like a brilliant present. Maybe he's just not comfortable showing sentimentality? The fact he's put it on the wall shows he likes it.

shows more enthusiasm for a box of his favourite beers, than a present that's had thought and money put into it!

Have you ever talked to him about what kind of presents he does enjoy?

I am happy to tell anyone who asks me (and many who haven't thought of asking ) that I really don't like things unless I have chosen them myself.

I'm happy without presents. It's embarrassing to be given 'thoughtful' things. I promise you I don't want it, no matter what I say. I always say thank you.

If you really insist, then anything consumable would be my preference: really good chocolate 90%plus, bottle fizzy wine etc.

Otherwise, if you really want to give me something, I'll want to be very, very specific about what I want. I much prefer choosing and buying things myself. I'm not a man, just v v particular.

Turns out what DH really wants, is a surprise. For him, any clues just spoil the whole thing. He would rather have 999999 misses for the very, very occasional hit.

We are opposites. It's taken a good old while for us to try and accommodate each other.

This is just a matter of accommodation. It starts by talking about it.

Yes, he needs to lie and pretend he likes it. Then the OP gets to fill the house with pictures she likes under the guise of presents for her DH while he thinks 'I'd rather have the beer'.

Who is the present for again?

Who is the person who is actually being thoughtless here, OP?

Have you ever considered not buying him things he evidently doesn’t want, and start buying him more of his favourite beer if that’s what he does actually want?

Maybe he could write a thread about being frustrated that after 25+ years of marriage his wife doesn’t know what kind of presents might be meaningful to him. Maybe he just isn’t into material gifts at all.

Gifts are supposed to be for the joy of the recipient, not for the giver. If you really want to make him feel happy and appreciated - which should surely be the aim - then you need to be giving gifts that he actually wants to receive (if he wants anything at all). I don’t know many men who want paintings of houses or twee posters of song lyrics.

What’s weird is that you clearly love Rob’s artwork but your DH doesn’t give a shit about it. You didn’t learn the first time but went ahead and got another one. Good gift giving is about giving what they want - not what you want - or worse, making the present about you. I think your DH has been very restrained actually - especially with the wedding verse - jeez what bloke dreams of that for a birthday present? He isn’t the weird one.

DH has a history of buying me sentimental decorative items and I always hate them, it's just not my thing.

Buy him beer!

It sounds like you're buying him the sort of gift that you'd like to receive rather than the sort of gift he'd like to receive. It's a bit like him giving you a box of his favourite beers.

I can see both sides I think. In reality I wouldn't want to receive either of those things, and would find them a bit contrived ( sorry OP, obviously that isn't to say they aren't thoughtful or lovely or to others tastes). I'd not put them on the wall at all so he's beat me to that as well.

I do think a gift is only really a gift if you've got something that that person actually wants or would love, rather than what you would like to get them or something objectively personal or thoughtful. Things like framed song lyrics and illustrations of the family/family house etc are ten a penny on the likes of Etsy and do seem to get gifted rather a lot and it wouldn't be my go to gift for any of the men in my life, I'd not imagine them being enthralled.

Equally if he hasn't actually said thank you at all then that is a bit off.

He didn't like it. Never mind

The pic sounds lovely but song lyrics framed are crinfey

I like stuff like that, but I don't think any of the men in my family would be excited by sentimental gifts like these either.

Depends if you think gifts are for the benefit of the giver or the recipient.

If I was OP's DH, I would find it hurtful that she knew me so little as to get me a gift I didn't want.

I'm rubbish at receiving gifts, I find it hard to know what to say / do to show I am grateful enough. I just feel awkward. I love giving presents although hey anxious it won't be liked. I prefer flowers and a card

Genuine question - if you know he would prefer beer, why not give him beer?

If you are not hard up surely you just buy your own box of beer/ wine it's hardly a great present.
Tell people not to get you a present if you don't really want anything.
A pal painting a nice picture - can't see what's wrong with that.

Yeah just start buying him presents that are actually for him, not a painting his friend has done of a house his parents own...

I’m exactly like this when receiving gifts. No idea why. I am always great full though, even if it seems I’m not. My partner finds it odd too, but I find getting gifts really awkward for some reason.

I’m like this and tbh so is most of my family. I think these days you see a lot of videos on social media of people having OTT reactions to gifts - crying, hugging etc. Not everyone has a huge reaction like that.
I’ve always had really bad anxiety about opening gifts in front of people for this reason and I dread receiving gifts

What a bunch of unpleasant critical posts - they've been married for 25 years - I'd be very happy if DH was making a real effort to buy me something special.
All these posters who want to give 25 years of beer for their birthday - yea sure they do.

God, only if you follow such things. I've managed to avoid crap like that entirely, as have lots of others.

Sorry OP I have to agree with everyone else. It’s lovely you put so much thought and effort into his gifts and I’m sorry he didn’t enjoy them as much as you wanted to but if you know he’s happy with beer just get him beer. My DH is the same - he’s just really not into sentimental things at all. If I got him a framed print of song lyrics he’s be so unbothered.
Hes got no issues or anything - he’s just not sentimental about things like that, he’s always been that way, just how he is.