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Original poster

Dh reacts so weirdly to gifts - I find it quite hurtful.

126 replies

Wisteriabloom · 22/08/2022 19:31

A few examples -

We have a mutual friend, Rob, (not his real name)! He's a talented artist, his work is fairly well-known locally. For dh's recent birthday I showed Rob a photo of the holiday home in Cornwall dh's family own. They've owned it since dh's childhood, and it holds special memories. I asked if Rob could paint it, for the normal price he'd charge a customer. He did! It's beautiful, so I got it framed and gave it to dh for his birthday present. When he opened it he just laughed, and said 'Oh is this one of Rob's?', and put it to one side. 🤔 He has at least put it on the wall, without me asking, so that's something but I was miffed at his total non-reaction.

Similar to a framed print (I don't always give pictures, these are the only times I've given them as presents, but I won't again)!! This print was tg

OP posts:

SunnyD44 · 22/08/2022 21:03

These gifts are not my cup of tea at all and I’d secretly be a bit disappointed in them but I would fake like I really like them and at least try and think of something to say like ‘he’s done a good job, it looks exactly like it’.

It sounds like you go to a lot of effort for these gifts which is so thoughtful and it’s going to hurt more when they don’t appreciate them but in future I would try and get him something you know he’d like or even just ask him outright.

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:05

"Yes, he needs to lie and pretend he likes it. Then the OP gets to fill the house with pictures she likes under the guise of presents for her DH while he thinks 'I'd rather have the beer'.

Who is the present for again?"

Well maybe be gracious about it but also have a talk about personal preferences at a later date? Present giving is about an acknowledgment of someone trying to guess what someone else might like. And putting thought into it. Maybe risk getting it wrong. Or maybe people should just give their partners money and forget any pretence of anything else?

SunnyD44 · 22/08/2022 21:06

I’m exactly like this when receiving gifts. No idea why. I am always great full though, even if it seems I’m not. My partner finds it odd too, but I find getting gifts really awkward for some reason.

I’m awkward when receiving gifts too.
I think it’s the pressure of someone watching you opening it lol.

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:10

"I was OP's DH, I would find it hurtful that she knew me so little as to get me a gift I didn't want."

Well I've definitely had a few gifts from Dh like that and now prefer it if he doesn't get me anything these days, he's very hit and miss. But my dc think I'm mean for telling him that and I should be happy whatever.

Why not just have a conversation at a non "at the moment of giving" sensitive time or agree to only give gifts that people have instructed you to get?

rwalker · 22/08/2022 21:12

Don’t mean to be rude but I’d be gutted to get ether if those presents couldn’t think of anything worse

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:14

I was always told off growing up for not giving enough of a happy response to opening presents. It's possible to make an effort to appear grateful.

Quite shocked at all the replies implying present giving is only about the recipient. Seems slightly mercenary

ShirleyPhallus · 22/08/2022 21:15

SaintHelena · 22/08/2022 20:55

What a bunch of unpleasant critical posts - they've been married for 25 years - I'd be very happy if DH was making a real effort to buy me something special.
All these posters who want to give 25 years of beer for their birthday - yea sure they do.

I don’t particularly want a box of beer but I’d prefer it over some cringey tat like framed song lyrics

mum11970 · 22/08/2022 21:15

Does he gush over any gifts? I hate opening gifts in front of people and hate people opening gifts I give them in front of me. I struggle when put on the spot and people expecting a huge reaction because I just can’t do it, no matter how much I love the present. I could win a million pounds and you wouldn’t hear me squealing. I’d be no good on a phone in competition when they want people to scream and jump about when they win something big because all they’d get out of me is a ‘thanks, that great’, no matter how excited I was inside.

StaunchMomma · 22/08/2022 21:17

I don't think men see this kind of emotion-led presents in the way women do & I doubt most are going to gush and want to talk about the emotion behind it.

Are you sure he even likes those prints of song lyrics? Was it a surprise? Mine would fake a smile and a thank you for my benefit and inwardly cringe, I'm sure.

Maybe ask him what he wants rather than going for something you think he'll like then being pissed off when his reaction isn't what you wanted?

redskyatnight · 22/08/2022 21:18

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:14

I was always told off growing up for not giving enough of a happy response to opening presents. It's possible to make an effort to appear grateful.

Quite shocked at all the replies implying present giving is only about the recipient. Seems slightly mercenary

Appearing grateful is a good plan if you the gift is from your great aunt, who you see once a year. Seems a bit ridiculous if it's your nearest and dearest -surely better to be honest? If it was a man giving his wife a hoover (unless she'd asked for one), no one would be telling her that she should pretend to be grateful.

If you're a gift giver and expecting the recipient must react in a certain way, is that not pretty mercenary? And what is mercenary about expecting a gift you actually want on your birthday?

Outlyingtrout · 22/08/2022 21:18

SaintHelena · 22/08/2022 20:55

Really? You’d be happy if after 25 years your spouse bought you gifts that weren’t your taste at all because they’ve decided that what you actually want isn’t suitable? I wouldn’t be happy at all. I’d be irritated that he persisted in buying things that he wanted to buy, instead of putting genuine thought into what I might want. Buying things for people that they don’t want isn’t thoughtful. I mean even with the best intentions sometimes we can all miss the mark with gifts but why does OP keep buying this type of stuff when she knows he doesn’t like it? That’s not thoughtful at all.

IrisVersicolor · 22/08/2022 21:22

The first one was a bit odd but ok, I actively cringed at the second one.

Why not get him what he really wants instead of what you’d like or think he wants but doesn’t.

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:23

"Appearing grateful is a good plan if you the gift is from your great aunt, who you see once a year. Seems a bit ridiculous if it's your nearest and dearest -surely better to be honest? If it was a man giving his wife a hoover (unless she'd asked for one), no one would be telling her that she should pretend to be grateful.

If you're a gift giver and expecting the recipient must react in a certain way, is that not pretty mercenary? And what is mercenary about expecting a gift you actually want on your birthday?"

I don't want to hurt my Dh or my family when they give me presents? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Should I tell them exactly what I think on opening it?

I actually don't expect any gifts at all on my birthday or Christmas. Again 🤷🏻‍♀️

canteatlovefood · 22/08/2022 21:23

My husband doesn't like sentimental gifts so I don't buy them for him. I love them so he gets them for me.

It's about what he would like, sounds more like you want him to appreciate the thought you put into it even though it's ends up being the opposite of thoughtful if he doesn't actually want/like those things.

Rose789 · 22/08/2022 21:24

If my husband got me a framed print of our first dance song I could not summon up any enthusiasm and would probably end up laughing.
If he likes a crate of beer then get him a crate of beer

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:26

"If you're a gift giver and expecting the recipient must react in a certain way, is that not pretty mercenary? "

I'm not sure how giving somebody something is mercenary?

Floweryflora · 22/08/2022 21:27

You know what he likes to get, why do you get him other stuff? It’s a gift. You should buy whay the recipient wants. Not what you’d like them to want. I mean a painting of his parents second home and a song verse. You are clearly a nostalgic Romantic person, he is not and doesn’t cheris( these things, that’s fine, but if you’ve been married that long buy the bloke shit he wants and enjoys, even it’s it’s craft beer or a brewery trip

girlmom21 · 22/08/2022 21:28

SaintHelena · 22/08/2022 20:55

If you'd been married for 25 years and he bought you something random that your mate had made, how would you feel?

Floweryflora · 22/08/2022 21:29

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:26

"If you're a gift giver and expecting the recipient must react in a certain way, is that not pretty mercenary? "

I'm not sure how giving somebody something is mercenary?

I think you missed the point, thr mercenery was the wanting the recipient to react as you choose. I suspect you know that though.

tobee · 22/08/2022 21:30

Err no @Floweryflora I don't know that. I'm not sure that mercenary is the word that springs to mind.

rnsaslkih · 22/08/2022 21:32

Simple solution: don't give Victor Meldrew any more presents.

If he asks why, tell him he has reacted miserably to presents you have made an effort with in the past and you're fucked off with the bother and weirdness of it. So that's the end of it.

ErmineAndPearls · 22/08/2022 21:32

My friend’s mum has a collection of Royal Doulton china ladies. She doesn’t like clutter, ornaments, china ladies or Royal Doulton, but somebody gave her one as a gift once, and because she’s not rude, she said thank you and put it on her sideboard. I think she has about ten now.

redskyatnight · 22/08/2022 21:32

I don't want to hurt my Dh or my family when they give me presents? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Should I tell them exactly what I think on opening it?
I actually don't expect any gifts at all on my birthday or Christmas. Again 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why not? I tell my family that I don't want gifts (at all). I also tell them if they insist on buying me gifts I'd rather they stuck to x, y and z, as I'm not good with surprises. If they get me something that is not x,y or z, but that they think I might like, my family are all fully aware that I might say "thanks for trying, but I hate it". They know they take a risk when they go "off piste"; we laugh about it; we have good relationships. I can't imagine why you would tell someone close to you, that you loved their gift whilst hating it. Surely that's just asking for them to give you something similar the next time?

Floweryflora · 22/08/2022 21:35

To be honest I’d also cringe hard if my husband gave me framed song lyrics from our anniversary, and I’d not want a painting of my parents second home, I’m sure he’s happy memories of his actual child hood home (if he’s one of the lucky ones ) but few folks would wish a painting of that either.

op this is your thing. For presents the joy of giving the joy should be in giving something they want, not what you want them to want.

EmmaH2022 · 22/08/2022 21:36

Tobee "Quite shocked at all the replies implying present giving is only about the recipient. Seems slightly mercenary"

wait....a gift IS about the recipient...?

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