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Original poster

could you forgive this?

124 replies

eereti · 20/08/2022 21:39

When I was pregnant, dp and I argued lots, mainly due to stress of living situation and jobs at the time. Both sides had blame. One day he changed the locks (I had access to my own place that was empty that he knew) and he’d left my stuff outside. From 22 weeks pregnant to after the birth he refused to speak. I called, text, you name it, asking to talk, asking what was going on, trying to explain he’d made mistakes too etc etc.

Anyway, when dc was a few months old he asked to meet and has since wanted to get back together. I love him but swore to myself I would never forgive what he did during that time. I am conflicted as he does seem to see that it was wrong to completely ignore me as he did..,but as time has gone on that’s a more distant memory though I remember feeling broken at the time. He says it was his way of dealing with things as he didn’t want to be involved at that time after how much we rowed. I think that’s fair but it would have been nice had he let me know rather than blanking me… that’s the bit I struggle with. Would you see how things go or stay away?

OP posts:
Endofanera22 · 20/08/2022 21:41

Stay well away

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2022 21:42

You'd have to be out of your fucking mind to get back together with this arsehole. It's bad enough you're even speaking to him. Your standards must be on the floor to be considering this.

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 21:43

@Endofanera22 I always promised myself this but he says he felt it was best for us not to speak, he seems to have done it with best of intentions as he says he was a very and upset and he knew I was too. I’m so conflicted, we had a great relationship for a few years beforehand.

OP posts:

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Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 21:45

@Aquamarine1029 ok that’s clear!! Haha. It’s hard as we did argue a lot so he was right to draw a line. It’s the ignoring me for so long that bothers me as I didn’t know what was going on for so long.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 20/08/2022 21:46

eereti · 20/08/2022 21:45

@Aquamarine1029 ok that’s clear!! Haha. It’s hard as we did argue a lot so he was right to draw a line. It’s the ignoring me for so long that bothers me as I didn’t know what was going on for so long.

And that’s why what he did wasn’t ok. Nor should you ever forget it.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2022 21:47

eereti · 20/08/2022 21:43

@Endofanera22 I always promised myself this but he says he felt it was best for us not to speak, he seems to have done it with best of intentions as he says he was a very and upset and he knew I was too. I’m so conflicted, we had a great relationship for a few years beforehand.

His best intentions? To treat you so callously and cruelly? Come the fuck on. He has certainly gaslit you to the point you can't even think straight. He did this to punish you and to make you feel desperate and horrible at the most vulnerable time of your life. He did this deliberately.

Smilingwithfangs · 20/08/2022 21:48

unforgivable and frankly cruel behaviour towards the woman who was carrying his baby.

I assume from your comment that he wasn’t present at the birth either?

and now it suits him to make up?

please stay away from this man. Build your self esteem and find a life where you are treated respectfully and as if you have value ( because you do)

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 21:49

@GiltEdges yep, I guess he dealt with it horribly. I do remember feeling absolutely worthless with the silence, like I’d done something horrific but in actual fact it was both of us causing rows not me alone. I felt like a dick contacting him and him not replying. I’d worry he’d do it again, I think.

OP posts:
October2020 · 20/08/2022 21:49

If this man was the last person on earth I would still rather live alone. Don't even think about getting back with him.

cannypants · 20/08/2022 21:49

I did take him back (disappeared at 17 weeks pregnant, reappeared just before birth). Got back together at 8 months. Went on to have another and struggled through 15 years together. Neither of us happy. Split 5 years ago and I've not regretted that for a moment. He remains a dreadful father and I've I could go back I'd do things differently (although I wouldn't have DC2 who I love very very much)

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 21:53

@Aquamarine1029 @Smilingwithfangs yep I get it, it’s just not how I wanted things to end up. With dc too.

He’s said I was so argumentative that he had to draw a line. There’s truth in that but I wasn’t arguing with myself … which is how he seems to recall it.

I guess even if he thought I was utterly horrific it wouldn’t have hurt for him to have let me know that in a one line text! I feel all pissed off again now, hes come back like we can just talk normally

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 20/08/2022 21:55

Why in the name of Sweet Reason would you want to go back to a man who had abused and abandoned his pregnant partner?

Just what is there to love about this irresponsible, cruel person?

Please raise the bar and cut this nasty person out of your life.

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 21:56

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking he didn’t abuse me, we both argued, it really was a case of us both messing it up. It was always just the silence I vowed I could never move past,

OP posts:
FitFat · 20/08/2022 21:59

No no no NO
All his words are Empty. Lokk at how he Behaved and how you Felt. That is what youvmake your decision on. What a vile human he is.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 20/08/2022 21:59

OP,
He changed the locks and left your stuff outside - and you say he didn't abuse you??
Abuse isn't just hitting someone you know.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/08/2022 22:01

It's not just you he abandoned; it's your child. He was absent during pregnancy, birth and the first months of your baby's life. I assume he wasn't paying his way either?

Do not let him back in.

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 22:01

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking he knew I had my own place. It wasn’t like he left me homeless. It really was just the silence that absolutely baffled me. We had argued a LOT on both sides. I was no angel. But I would never have cut him off like that and not sure I could do that to anyone let alone with the baby. I get why he drew a line but to not speak for so long… just no. I always said to myself absolutely not. I think it’s time I drew my line!!

OP posts:
Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 22:03

@roarfeckingroarr yeah and that’s why I contacted him trying to talk. He literally said not one word until he emerged one day a while after the birth. I wanted him to be involved with the baby. He paid maintenance after I claimed it as he wasn’t speaking at that point like he is now.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 20/08/2022 22:09

You really want to be with someone who does something like that to another human being? Who would model behaviour like that to a child who will copy it?
It doesn't matter that you argued - good people don't do things like that, it's not excusable no matter that you argued.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/08/2022 22:10

At least he paid maintenance but he's still a wanker OP. You've done the hard part on your own; don't let him back in now. You'll never feel secure and he truly doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 22:11

@Rowen32 when I asked why he didn’t just say he didn’t want to be involved, so I knew where I stood, he said he felt we had argued so much that he was ground down by it all and fed up with the abuse between us. He’s right on that front but I just can’t move past the fact he couldn’t even acknowledge me during that time. This thread has kept me strong as I very nearly agreed to meet him for a lunch together tomorrow!

OP posts:
Angiemum24 · 20/08/2022 22:11

Please don't get back with him. What he going to do if your breaks something of his, kick him out of the house?
This Jan is disgusting, you don't change the locks on your doors when your partner is pregnant. Weather she gas a ten bed mansion or nothing.
Have conttact because he is the father, but don't l8wer yourself to the level of being with him.

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 22:13

Thanks @Angiemum24 i didn’t really think of it like that, I actually had a much nicer place than his and so he knew I had someone safe and nice to go. But I agree it was brutal to just box up my stuff on the back of a row and never speak again! I’m feeling what I felt all that time ago now !

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 20/08/2022 22:20

eereti · 20/08/2022 22:11

@Rowen32 when I asked why he didn’t just say he didn’t want to be involved, so I knew where I stood, he said he felt we had argued so much that he was ground down by it all and fed up with the abuse between us. He’s right on that front but I just can’t move past the fact he couldn’t even acknowledge me during that time. This thread has kept me strong as I very nearly agreed to meet him for a lunch together tomorrow!

There was still no excuse to treat you like that, he could have handled it a million different ways and been more respectful..

Longdistance · 20/08/2022 22:21

He locked you out at your most vulnerable. Shut you out and refused to speak to you. He’s a pathetic loser. Don’t fall for the puppy dog eyes. He should’ve treated you better at the time.