could you forgive this?

[eereti]

When I was pregnant, dp and I argued lots, mainly due to stress of living situation and jobs at the time. Both sides had blame. One day he changed the locks (I had access to my own place that was empty that he knew) and he’d left my stuff outside. From 22 weeks pregnant to after the birth he refused to speak. I called, text, you name it, asking to talk, asking what was going on, trying to explain he’d made mistakes too etc etc.

Anyway, when dc was a few months old he asked to meet and has since wanted to get back together. I love him but swore to myself I would never forgive what he did during that time. I am conflicted as he does seem to see that it was wrong to completely ignore me as he did..,but as time has gone on that’s a more distant memory though I remember feeling broken at the time. He says it was his way of dealing with things as he didn’t want to be involved at that time after how much we rowed. I think that’s fair but it would have been nice had he let me know rather than blanking me… that’s the bit I struggle with. Would you see how things go or stay away?

Remember it's not only you he ghosted but his own child. What kind of man is that?

You're still making shit excuses and trying to minimise his behaviour. Please get some self respect, he's scum.

I feel the dynamic has been misleading. I was staying with him but had 90% of my things at mine. It wasn’t throwing me out in that sense…

it was the silence that broke me as I didn’t know what was going on at all. I feel so sad reading these messages as I was an idiot to have chased him.

@eereti I think it's the whole picture that has people angry on your behalf. Even if you took away that he changed the locks, my response (and I'm sure most others) would be exactly the same.

He cut you off (by ignoring you-a form of abuse) and didn't engage even when you pleading and gave him updates on his child.

This is really a sign of how he handles stress-and raising a child is stressful!

Look back on the situation objectively and put your daughter/son in your shoes. If their partner later in life treated them how you have been treated, I bet you'd be furious. Now tell them what you would advise and take that advice yourself.

Good luck to you and your DC

“It wasn’t throwing me out in that sense…”.

YES, it absolutely was throwing you out, in every sense. You were mostly staying at his flat as in your original post you said your own place was empty, so it sounds like you were indeed living there with him at his, pregnant with his child. He did throw you out, he did leave you alone to fend for your self. By changing the locks and than ghosting you he was telling you he does not give a shit about you.

So would you trust him not to behave in the same way again? I don’t think I would.

Just to clarify.

He kicked you out at 22 weeks pregnant and only recently got in touch when your child is a few months old?

Has he had any physical involvement on his child's life?

Who initiated contact him or you? (Please answer that honestly)

I would struggle to forgive this, for your child's welfare if nothing else. Pregnancy can be a difficult stage in a relationship especially if it was unplanned, but parenthood can be incredibly stressful too and if this is how he deals with conflict then ultimately it will be your child who suffers the consequences.

The silent treatment is abuse.

If you get back together, what happens next time you hit a rough patch? Oh, let me guess, he's seen the error of his ways and will never do it again? Yeah, right.

I agree with everyone else, you would be out of your mind to even consider this.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

I've got a feeling you love this man despite he's a difficult person to be with in general. You love a person recognise his huge personality flaw and it worked well for some years and you did manage to have some good time working around it.

But life changes like everyone's. Sometimes things worked before wouldn't work when circumstances changes.

In this instance, you fell pregnant which dramatically changed your hormone during pregnancy and he was about to have a child which on its own implies more responsibility and an unavoidable stressful a few years with a young baby/child.

Unfortunately what works for a couple before children may not always work forever.

If you "tolerated" "worked around" his emotional/temper issue for many years, thinking he's a good partner, now you need to look hard if he's really the kind of an you would take as a company through the rest of the journey (parenting, family responsibility).

Still, you've mentioned nothing about how you went through the 9 weeks alone giving birth to a child alone? It's very strange, OP, that you only focus on he was blanking you out in communication. It made it seems a lot more trivial than how it truly is.

I wouldn't date someone who had treated their pregnant ex and child like that, never mind getting back together with someone who had treated ME and mine that way. It speaks volumes about his weak character and lack of understanding about, or interest in, his moral obligations. No thanks.

You are trying to explain away (or in other words justify) his behaviour towards you.

It needs no justification.

It wasn't that he just locked you out of the place that you were staying, he did it in such a way that you couldn't gain access for any reason, by changing the locks.

It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to you about anything, he did it in such a way that he actually ghosted you, and you were/are pregnant with his child.

When someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

"He felt it was best"....did he now?

How did you feel at the time??

No. Have nothing to do with him, other than the contact needed for the child. He has shown you who he is - when you needed him, he let you down and was cruel about it.

Unfortunately, you have also shown your hand. He knows if he treats you like dirt, you'll chase after him, try to 'talk', let him worm his way in again. He'll remember, and do it again.

Keep contact to a bare minimum and get yourself on a waiting list for talking therapy. Life can be a whole lot better than this, and you and your dc need that.

No, I could not forgive that.

What a complete arsehole, abandoning his pregnant partner. He cares nothing for you or his child.

I'd never forgive him.

The silence and lack of consideration for the baby and not being at the birth all compound that decision.

Why does he want to make up, to save face to wider family and friends, and be seen as big, reasonable family man? I'm sure you have been painted very bleakly by him.

In fact, I'd ignore him now and see how long/ how persistent he is trying to get back in touch.

No I couldn't forgive or forget. That wasn't just you he ignored it was you and your baby.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM!

Look, you're clearly going to get back with him. Whether or not he left you literally homeless is not the point. He is training you like a dog to know that if you disagree or argue with him, you will be punished and abandoned. You will get ghosted, which, whatever you say to defend him, IS abuse. His giving his pregnant partner the silent treatment and abandoning her while pregnant IS abuse.

Nobody is going to tell you to get back with him, he sounds like an absolute scumbag, and he will do this again. This won't end well. Any man that can abandon you while pregnant is going to be out of the door when dealing with a young child. But that's clearly fine with you, so just get back with him. If being ghosted and abandoned whenever things get tough is what you feel is good enough for you and your child then take him back.

Ugh. This thread is so frustrating. He GHOSTED you while pregnant, putting you and your baby under incredibly stress, he MISSED THE BIRTH OF HIS OWN CHILD just to punish you?? And he's somehow manipulated you into believing that he actually did this because he thought it was best and not because he a) is a massive scumbag who couldn't be bothered to act like an adult and work together to overcome problems and b) is training you to learn that you need to behave or be punished again and c) ALREADY an absolutely terrible father who puts his own selfish needs above his own child's.

If you get back with him, you'll be back on here in a year, tops, updating about something absolutely awful he's done. Either ghosting you again or an affair when things get tough. I'd put money on it.

How many people will it take for you to see that changing the locks and throwing you of your home is wrong? I can't understand why you think that any part of his behaviour was justifiably.
1.You had a place of your own, largely unfurnished. But you lived at his house, kept your clothes there and enough "stuff" to be in boxed up and left outside. Please don't bother telling us it's any different from that. You lived with him. Clothes, stuff, ate, slept and made a baby.

1. He refused to talk to you or give you any reason why he had thrown you out.
2. He changed the locks, like you were going to break in like a criminal and steal his stuff!
3. He did not check on you to see if you were ok. 5. He refused to reply to your texts about his unborn child.
4. He ghosted you for months. Whilst you needed support and care he turned his back. You or his unborn child could have been seriously ill and he didn't care one iota. You are nothing to him.
5. HE MISSED THE BIRTH OF HIS CHILD. Through choice, his own choice. Like a dental appointment he didnt want to attend. He missed it not by an unavoidable accident or mistake. Just because it meant nothing to him.
6. He didn't turn up to see the baby, ask did you need anything. He didn't care where you both were or how you were coping alone and exhausted. He didn't care if you died giving birth and you baby was made motherless.
7. He only paid maintenance when CMS contacted him.

10. He ignored updates on his new child.

So there are at least 10 different, unforgivable acts that he has committed. Why would you forgive any of them. How many women do you need to be shocked at his treatment of his own flesh and blood and the woman who created it.
It sounds like you are going to go back to him no matter what we say so prepare yourself for a miserable life of being treated like dirt and being made to feel worthless. He will never treat you like you want, he doesn't value you. How could you be in the same room as him? How could you leave your baby with him, knowing how little he cares?
For gods sake, grow a backbone for the sake of your baby. Listen to all of us who have suffered at the hands of men like him. We don't know you but we care enough to try to stop you wrecking your life. You will have a good life but only by taking care of yourself. Love yourself first. Please.

Don’t start minimising what he did and making excuses for him now @eereti. you’ve been doing so well.

What he did, whether you lived there or not, is inexcusable. He cut you off. He totally ignored you and left you to endure the end of the pregnancy and birth of his child alone. He was punishing you. And now he’s trying to worm his way back in.

No. He does not get a chance now. I don’t care if 100 per cent of your stuff was at your lovely flat, there’s no excuse for what he did.

I wouldn't get back with him.
I think you'd be treading on eggshells wondering if you say or do the " wrong" thing again
Although you love him, he hasn't considered you or the effects on DC until it suited him
Obviously he's entitled to a relationship with DC, but I'd be wary of getting back into a relationship

what age is he? is he is 18 or 40 for example. I would not take him back ever but for your baby I'd meet in-between. But you seem to be asking in your OP ll or nothing. Your baby will be better for knowing his dad and some can swing around but tread carefully.

Yet again, the locks don't matter. You could have a million places of your own and it is still not okay that he didn't support you and in fact caused you added trauma when you were at your most vulnerable.

If you take him back, you are telling him that was okay. He will do it again, or worse.