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Original poster

could you forgive this?

124 replies

eereti · 20/08/2022 21:39

When I was pregnant, dp and I argued lots, mainly due to stress of living situation and jobs at the time. Both sides had blame. One day he changed the locks (I had access to my own place that was empty that he knew) and he’d left my stuff outside. From 22 weeks pregnant to after the birth he refused to speak. I called, text, you name it, asking to talk, asking what was going on, trying to explain he’d made mistakes too etc etc.

Anyway, when dc was a few months old he asked to meet and has since wanted to get back together. I love him but swore to myself I would never forgive what he did during that time. I am conflicted as he does seem to see that it was wrong to completely ignore me as he did..,but as time has gone on that’s a more distant memory though I remember feeling broken at the time. He says it was his way of dealing with things as he didn’t want to be involved at that time after how much we rowed. I think that’s fair but it would have been nice had he let me know rather than blanking me… that’s the bit I struggle with. Would you see how things go or stay away?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 20/08/2022 22:23

Why would you even consider getting back together with such a wanker? How could you ever trust him again? He thought nothing of locking you out and his behaviour is very abusive.

Stop minimising and excusing his shitty behaviour.

LIZS · 20/08/2022 22:24

The silence and disengagement is abusive enough. Let alone while you were so vulnerable and had his child, He does not get to decide now. You are better off planning a future for your dc without him.

Mythreefavouritethings · 20/08/2022 22:24

He showed you who he is so that your child doesn’t have to see it too. That’s about the best I could say for him. I couldn’t live with the uncertainty and he’s driven the narrative at every stage. Regardless of what led up to this, he took YOUR things, threw them in a bag and ejected you from the house and his life. I would be keeping things on practical terms only. Hold strong for the next bit, the lovebombing - they can be good.

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AnyFucker · 20/08/2022 22:26

I despair, I really do

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 22:28

Thanks for confirming what I already thought. It wasn’t m what I wanted for us but he destroyed my confidence and self worth at that time. I have to remember that.

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 20/08/2022 22:34

No. Have you posted about this before? Sounds v familiar.

Crayfishforyou · 20/08/2022 22:35

There’s no way I would get back together with someone who destroyed my self confidence

FormAnOrderlyQueue · 20/08/2022 22:36

Please stick to your word.
Disgusting excuse of a human being.
Punishing you and ignoring you and your child when he should've been looking out for you, not locking you out and erasing you from his life!
NO NO NO.
He'd do it again and you'd live on eggshells fretting when it's going to happen so he'd have complete control over you because you'd become submissive to him simply because you'd become scared of 'losing' this loser again and believe me, he'll make you convinced that you 'need' him.

He's wanting contact now because he's being forced to pay, it wasn't his idea.

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 22:37

Thanks @FormAnOrderlyQueue i totally agree. Though not sure why maintenance would make him change his tune. I don’t intend not to claim it because he’s in touch?

OP posts:
Ilovetable · 20/08/2022 22:45

He was angry at you, but took it out on his child by not wanting to be present at the birth or their precious first few months. Absolute waste of space. Do not go back to him, please. You and your child deserve so much better an that treatment.

WhoWants2Know · 20/08/2022 22:46

So, if you argue with him, his answer is to cut you off completely. He's saying you aren't allowed to argue with him. But he might allow you to be with him if you promise to always agree and do just what he says. Lucky you.

FormAnOrderlyQueue · 20/08/2022 22:54

eereti · 20/08/2022 22:37

Thanks @FormAnOrderlyQueue i totally agree. Though not sure why maintenance would make him change his tune. I don’t intend not to claim it because he’s in touch?

I thought your original post said that you're now claiming and he's now paying, also now wanting to be involved with DC?

Original poster
eereti · 20/08/2022 22:56

@FormAnOrderlyQueue yeah but that happens straight away I just applied immediately

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 20/08/2022 23:05

No, please please don't!

Wonnle · 20/08/2022 23:14

Well he ain't no keeper is he !

DottyLittleRainbow · 20/08/2022 23:16

Stay well clear. He treated you dreadfully when you were at your most vulnerable. What would be next? Changing the locks again in a few months time, with your DC inside with him? You deserve better.

Weenurse · 20/08/2022 23:21

Abusive, why would you go back and expose your child to his behaviour?

EL8888 · 20/08/2022 23:32

How is he as a father? Paying his way and doing his share? Personally l would be waiting until he’s proved himself as a father before even entertaining the idea of him as a partner. I’m talking months rather than days or weeks. Even then l would be sceptical…

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/08/2022 23:36

Not if he was the last man on earth.

Don’t do it too yourself or your child. You both deserve better. Anyone deserves better.

WTF475878237NC · 20/08/2022 23:46

Are you that desperate not to be alone? Have you had therapy? What would you want a daughter to do?

Gymnopedie · 20/08/2022 23:52

WhoWants2Know · 20/08/2022 22:46

So, if you argue with him, his answer is to cut you off completely. He's saying you aren't allowed to argue with him. But he might allow you to be with him if you promise to always agree and do just what he says. Lucky you.

This^^.

Have you noticed that this is all about him?

From 22 weeks pregnant to after the birth he refused to speak.

he changed the locks

He says it was his way of dealing with things as he didn’t want to be involved at that time after how much we rowed.

All of them unilateral decisions he made that he didn't even have the guts/courtesy to talk to you about.

And now...hes come back like we can just talk normally. He's done it again. You have agency here, but he's trying to make you forget that.

And to be honest, it doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship for you or him if you were arguing to that extent. Don't take him back and your life will be much more peaceful.

Ahnobother · 21/08/2022 00:01

Just no OP
This man doesn't deserve to be part of your life. What if it happens again and your DS is there?
What about when your DS annoys him? How is he going to react then?
This man is selfish, manipulative, clearly has no sense of responsibility to his child and will only bring you unpredictability and pain if you stay with him.
Don't do it.

MillyWithaY · 21/08/2022 00:06

roarfeckingroarr · 20/08/2022 22:10

At least he paid maintenance but he's still a wanker OP. You've done the hard part on your own; don't let him back in now. You'll never feel secure and he truly doesn't deserve you.

He pays maintenance only because she put in a claim! He didn't do it off his own bat.

OP it's worrying that you would even consider rekindling something with this cruel and selfish wanker. Raise your bar!

spiderlight · 21/08/2022 00:08

He's shown you who he is. Believe him. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Allthosedays · 21/08/2022 00:09

To answer your question, no I couldn't forgive this. From 22 weeks until after birth is several months not just a few days letting you both calm down.

Those last weeks of pregnancy are when it all felt really real for me. The bump, baby movements and worrying about labour. Just when you need your partner's support most.

I agree with pp I would accept the right to a relationship with DC but would not consider making myself vulnerable with him again.

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