could you forgive this?

[eereti]

When I was pregnant, dp and I argued lots, mainly due to stress of living situation and jobs at the time. Both sides had blame. One day he changed the locks (I had access to my own place that was empty that he knew) and he’d left my stuff outside. From 22 weeks pregnant to after the birth he refused to speak. I called, text, you name it, asking to talk, asking what was going on, trying to explain he’d made mistakes too etc etc.

Anyway, when dc was a few months old he asked to meet and has since wanted to get back together. I love him but swore to myself I would never forgive what he did during that time. I am conflicted as he does seem to see that it was wrong to completely ignore me as he did..,but as time has gone on that’s a more distant memory though I remember feeling broken at the time. He says it was his way of dealing with things as he didn’t want to be involved at that time after how much we rowed. I think that’s fair but it would have been nice had he let me know rather than blanking me… that’s the bit I struggle with. Would you see how things go or stay away?

So HE thought it was better for you not to talk like adults and discuss what was best for the innocent life HE helped bring into the world. And now HE thinks its ok for you to get back together. Why is it all about what HE wants? Why is it on his terms?

Why are you making excuses for him chucking you out, pregnant and with an empty house as your only option? The way you are making excuses shows how little self respect and self esteem you have.

You need to block him and get some help. This man is an utter total bastard. The way he treated you was inhumane. I've know pregnant women in pain who have been treated better by an unknown taxi driver, who couldn't leave them alone and accompanied them into the hospital! The person who was supposed to love you and protect their child, abandoned you and left you on the street. How could he treat anyone like that, let alone him partner and his unborn child? He didn't give a shit about you and now you are excusing his behaviour. Your child at the very least deserves better. You may forgive him or more likely fool yourself into thinking you've forgiven him but you will never forget and you will forever be afraid to argue or stand up for yourself incase he disappears again. He has trained you and now you are compliant.

So say you get back together and HE decides he needs some time out because a baby is WAAYYYY more stressful that a pregnant partner, will you be ok with getting pushed to the sidelines again while he has a bit of a think.

I think its more likely that he has been dumped by whoever hes been shagging and now he wants someone too metaphorically kick around and you are there and available. He can massage he ego by making you crawl back to him. He will think he's Billy Big Balls and he's so fucking awesome that you are willing to have him back after the way he treated you. He has no respect for you and will never treat you well. You are a doormat as far as he is concerned. Your child does not need a father like this, make sure he has a little as possible to do with your baby.

Sorry for the swearing but honestly, why? Why would you be in the same room with this man nasty, mean, cruel deadbeat Dad. Get some help as you need to understand why you are making excuses for him over something that is totally unforgivable. Block him on everything. Let him go to court if he wants access. Please say you didnt put his name on the birth certificate or give that poor little mite his surname.

Who does that to someone? Do not give him another chance to do it to you again.

That absolutely was abuse! Him cutting you off like that was to punish you when you were at your most vunerable. To teach you a “lesson". Not to stop rows. How is boxing up your things a step towards peace? No I wouldn't forgive him, because I wouldn't be able to trust that he wouldn't abandon you and now your child whenever he cracks the shits.

He turned his back on you and your baby. Absolutely unforgivable in my eyes. Stay strong, you’ve done the hard part now, don’t give him chance to hurt you again.

Stay away OP!

He's a toxic abusive POS

Nope.

He does not love you.

You know that because he completely failed to be there for you and the baby at the most difficult & vulnerable time in your life. It would not be possible to do that to someone you liked, let alone someone you loved.

He's selfish to the core. He only sees things on his terms and thinks everything is about him. He's completely unsuited to family life.

when the chips are down this is what he does. There is no way on earth you'd escape this behaviour again at some pressure point. I know it's sad and you'd want you baby to have the family home with his dad, but to be honest even the worst prick I know would probably not have done this to his 22 week pregnant girlfriend and then past the birth and then months into your babies life come crawling back. Fuck him off OP and feel sad and feel good, your child does not not have to see that behaviour growing up.

I feel I’ve been misleading about him changing the locks etc. He did so that but I often stayed at nine anyway due to space. I had a much nicer place, it was comfortable and nice etc. He knew that. It wasn’t like I’d nowhere to go though I get it was pretty brutal to do it without warning or explanation.

its the silence afterwards that always broke me. It caused me so much stress. I literally had no idea what was happening or why he did it. I remember at the time thinking it was almost psychotic to not respond even once. I don’t know how that deep deeming has managed to fade. He was hugely irresponsible and not a kid, a grown man. I wish I’d not even entertained the idea, I told him I’d think about it.

He's a complete ae. Tell him to f* off.

I agree with every poster. He’s bored or lost his latest shag buddy, so he’s running back to you. He won’t stay and be there for you or his child. Unfortunately I get the feeling you are going to give him another chance.
I wish you and your baby all the best.

Please don't! I wish Mumsnet was around some 30 years ago when I was in such a similar situation - or had the sense to discuss it with friends. It would have saved me ten years of a horrible life. My life now is so much better without that man!

You may later be able to forgive or forge a decent relationship regarding your child, but for your sanity and self worth, don;t let him into your life/heart. As the saying goes: he has shown you who he is - believe him.

Imagine this was happening to a friend of yours, or even your child in the future. What advice would you give them???? Would you tell them to give it another go? I doubt it very much! He sounds like a manipulative, horrible man (being polite!!) and you and your child have had a lucky escape!

He changed the locks and chucked out a pregnant woman. Classy guy!
Have nothing more to do with this piece of shit.

That's absolutely horrific behavior from him, really punishing you and baby when you needed him most. It's very common for men to become abusive during pregnancy and what he did by completely going silent on you and just changing the locks is so cold and bullying. If you get back together you will always be worrying that he could do that again. The way of excusing it as he thought it was just better not to talk is completely minimising it too. How is your self esteem, if you build it you might find you have stronger boundaries about you deserving kindness? He will be love bombing you right now and will withdraw that as soon as he gets what he wants. Can you see him less often and detach a bit?

You are in a really good situation for DD now, she doesn't have to go through the trauma of separation (apart from all the stress he caused her as an unborn baby), it'll be so much harder to get out if you go back.

If you can please read 'Living with the dominator' or even better do the freedom program in person, I would absolutely bet my bottom dollar you will recognize abusive behaviours.from him if you do this.

Give yourself at least another year of being single, focus in on yourself and baby, self care and a self compassion, stop yourself allowing to think you were appropriately punished by this man.

Then if in a year's time you still feel the same have couples therapy with him before you get back together.

So what if you had a nice place? That doesn't make it ok.

You really have the blinkers on, even now.

He's not a nice person. It doesn't sound like he's even taken any responsibility for what he did either.

Please stop engaging with him. Keep any talk factual and baby related.

If you go back to this man you will constantly be on eggshells, watching your behaviour to make sure you don't put a toe out of line. In the back of your mind you'll always have a low level fear when you go out, that when you come home the locks will be changed.

Meanwhile he'll take this as a green light that his behaviour was ok. So he'll make the rules, he can act exactly as he wants, with no regard for upsetting you, and you are never allowed to say ANYTHING or he'll just lock you out again.

You'll basically be in a prison if you go back to him (been there, got the t shirt, and its no way to live).

He unilaterally made the decision to emotionally and physically separate, and acted on that. He abandoned you and your unborn baby, with no explanation despite being given many opportunities to explain himself. He left you to manage your pregnancy and the birth of your child all by yourself and refused to provide any support. It doesn't matter what lead up to him making these decisions - decisions which significantly impacted you - what matters is that he did, and he did so without seeking your input. He cannot be trusted and you should have minimum contact with him moving forward.

NOPE

Well done on not agreeing to the lunch date!! That he's come back not even apologising and still nearly got you out on a date shows the level of power he has.
Have you a close friend or family member who can stay for a few days? It would be best to have someone there when you tell him you have thought about it and will definitely not be getting back together even if you tell him on phone or text have someone there as he is very likely to escalate his abusive behavior when you do this. He might become angry or threaten suicide this would be a very expected reaction from someone who has been so abusive.
I'd get in contact with your local domestic abuse Charity of you can to see what support they offer, you've been through a lot and they might have some support to help build yourself up for the future.

Oh my goodness i can't even read all of your comments as it's too frustrating to see you making excuses for him and trying to pretend he LITERALLY ABANDONED HIS HEAVILY PREGNANT PARTNER AND UNBORN CHILD CAUSING YOU INEVITABLE HUGE STRESS WHICH COULD HAVE PHYSICALLY HARMED YOUR BABY ... for a good reason? He changed the locks to his f**king house so you physically couldn't enter and literally just didn't speak to you while you were carrying his baby... and you're honestly going to try and convince yourself that he had a good reason to be so disgustingly cruel, irresponsible, just vile in every way.

PLEASE try to have some self respect and dignity and walk away from this man. What he did is unforgivable and if you get back with him you will be sending him a message loud and clear that he can do whatever he wants to you and you will always let him come crawling back. If you forgive this, which is pretty much the WORST thing a man can do - ghost the pregnant mother of his child - you will be letting him know that he can do whatever he wants to you and get away with it.

I guarentee he will do something like this again. Having a young child is tough.He WILL walk out again, because you will have taught him it's okay. He will check out of family life and saunter off whenever it suits him, and come crawling back when he's bored of the single life and wants to be settled. And this will go on and on whenever times get tough. You will never be able to trust this man to be a partner, someone who works with you through the difficult times. He will just run away.

You and your child both deserve better than this.

You were pregnant and he went completely no contact for months?

Never ever ever see or speak to him again

Get as much maintenance as you can from his salary and avoid him forever

He is either a psychopath or a sociopath

AVOID at all costs

And ffs stop making excuses for him. With respect it makes you appear pathetic

Woah, sorry, did he miss the birth?? To intentionally miss the birth would be the end for me. I could never, ever forgive that. To not support you (or at least offer to support) through that is awful. What a nasty, pathetic man trying to teach his girlfriend a lesson during the most vulnerable and scary time of the relationship. And then he waits until the baby is a few MONTHS old to get in touch??? Wow, he must think he has it fucking made if you take him back now. You do all the hard slog of pregnancy, delivery and the newborn/postnatal bit and then he swoops in months later and thinks yeah this ok, I'll take her back. No no no no no no no. What a fucking arsehole!! He has treated you appallingly. I'd be so angry with him. And also - not to see his kid for months after birth, deliberately because he's annoyed with you? So we can add 'shit father' to the list then. I really hope you don't take him back, you and your baby deserve so much more. This pathetic excuse of a man will not make you happy; he's shown you that already.

OP your posts are really interesting and say to me that he's been trying to manipulate what actually happened to you and you are believing it.

All of your posts are defending him in some way. What he did is a form of abuse. Whether you had a home to go to or not, he completely cut you off with no warning when you were extremely vulnerable.

Raising children is hard. That first year is arguably the hardest. Then come the toddler tantrums, weaning, potty training. These are all incredibly stressful times. If you are not completely solid and on the same page then cracks will appear. And how will he react? Will he engage, talk, discuss how you are both coping? Or will he walk away and cut you both off for a period of time and then blame you?

Stay strong. He may accept what he did was wrong but it seems his apology is followed closely with excuses for WHY he did it. The WHY doesn't excuse his actions, you would never do that to him I guess?

And if you have a daughter, and this was her going through it, what you advise? I find that always puts things into perspective.

He basically ghosted you when in a committed relationship but what i find even more troubling is that he ghosted his child and missed the birth of his child and the first few months of their life, i would be scared that one dayhe would be prepared to do it again