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Original poster

could you forgive this?

124 replies

eereti · 20/08/2022 21:39

When I was pregnant, dp and I argued lots, mainly due to stress of living situation and jobs at the time. Both sides had blame. One day he changed the locks (I had access to my own place that was empty that he knew) and he’d left my stuff outside. From 22 weeks pregnant to after the birth he refused to speak. I called, text, you name it, asking to talk, asking what was going on, trying to explain he’d made mistakes too etc etc.

Anyway, when dc was a few months old he asked to meet and has since wanted to get back together. I love him but swore to myself I would never forgive what he did during that time. I am conflicted as he does seem to see that it was wrong to completely ignore me as he did..,but as time has gone on that’s a more distant memory though I remember feeling broken at the time. He says it was his way of dealing with things as he didn’t want to be involved at that time after how much we rowed. I think that’s fair but it would have been nice had he let me know rather than blanking me… that’s the bit I struggle with. Would you see how things go or stay away?

OP posts:
Ohdoleavemealone · 21/08/2022 07:13

He was within his rights to end a relationship as he saw fit. But not the way he did it.
NO decent man kicks out a pregnant women leaving her shit by the road and then ghosts her for the rest of the pregnancy and birth of his child. Waltzing back in and apologising doesn't make up for this abhorrent behaviour.
Please have better standards and ignore him!

Poppyblush · 21/08/2022 07:59

Sorry but you’d been an absolute idiot to get back with him, the abuser. Have some standards. Claim maintenance for kid, even if just to save it for the future.

Nursemumma92 · 21/08/2022 08:04

No way, presumably you birthed your child without him and looked after your DC for the first few MONTHS without him? That's disgusting that he didn't even contact you! You may have both been at fault for the constant rowing but that isn't someone who loves you when you've given birth to their child. Sorry OP but steer well clear... parenting can be tough at times and the last thing you want is him walking out again on you and DC because he couldn't handle an argument. How would you handle your child's upset and disappointment?

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ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 21/08/2022 08:08

I think you need to get way more analytical here OP.

Dig around and find out WHY he's back and asking to get back together. I would bet a pound to a penny that he had another woman that has subsequently dumped him.

I'm not saying this to be mean but usually, when looked into, situations like this have another element to them, not just the ones the bloke comes up with to fit his own self interests.

Poke about. Ask questions. You may find out something that will really explain what's going on but no matter what you discover, this guy left you when you needed him most irrespective of the rows. I would never get past that. It would be like a festering canker the rest of my days if I was with a turd like him.

Say no to him and stand back. No doubt he will be abusive as he leaves your life.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 21/08/2022 08:12

@eereti How are you doing this morning?

I hope you have found the strength, reading the messages, to stay the hell away from him.

do you need more analysis of why? Or are you now on the right page?

CormoranStrike · 21/08/2022 08:23

No! Stay well away

summertime94 · 21/08/2022 08:39

He treated your horrendously while pregnant, never forget that or that he could easily do it again in future if you argued.

Actions speak louder than words.

Herejustforthisone · 21/08/2022 08:40

He didn’t just ignore you, he ignored his baby up until they were born and beyond.

He didn’t just kick you out, he kicked out his unborn child.

He didn’t just put you at risk, etc, etc.

He’s a selfish cunt and you’d have to be off your rocker to even contemplate this flaky twat in yours and your baby’s life.

Original poster
eereti · 21/08/2022 08:43

Hi thanks for the posts, some quite hard to read.

I wish I’d not put about him changing the locks as honestly, it was just his flat that we used as the main base, I would use mine as much as possible as I preferred it. He wouldn’t have done that had I nowhere to go and fully equipped.

it was how silent he was when I asked about scans, baby, was he going to be civil etc etc. I just looked back this morning and he ignored me for 9 weeks before I gave up. Neatly all my contact was apologetic and trying to be friendly, some of it raised that he’d also not behaved well. Bottom line was each time I said let’s not hold grudges and let’s be civil for the baby. When I read them back I just can’t believe he did that.

im definitely not going to entertain anything more with him. I feel like such an idiot that I spent so long contacting him like that. There was no other woman, he’s not able to get women like that as he’s quite a difficult man emotionally, I’d bet a lot he’s not so much as had a date since we split, but that’s not relevant really he’s a bad man

OP posts:
Notgoingbacktofuture · 21/08/2022 08:50

From your sequential posts, OP, I got a feeling you really haven't grasped the full picture after so many people tried to give you an objective view of what EXACTLY happened.

Do you have a baby girl? Or imagine if you had daughter, what would you think of a man like this treating your daughter the same way?

You haven't mentioned at all how you went through the late pregnancy ALONE without the man who had the responsibility to care you (under the vow of a marriage) and to care his unborn baby. You didn't mention anything. I'd imagine you love your child.
But I can't understand how could you even be entertaining the idea of FORGIVING???

It's the sense of his RESPONSIBILITY (no matter if one person likes it or not) he has none. Distressed? We all felt before birth. I had an extremely stressful first pregnancy (miserable at work and emotionally lonely due to DH's personality flaw because of a very hard childhood of his own). We fought a lot and I didn't even feel happy when I held my new born DS1. But he did every single bit he's expected to do as a husband and as a dad. It's a sense of responsibility makes a person reliable and trustworthy. You know that you can count on them no matter how the world changes around you and he would be giving his best to protect his child.

Do you really feel you can't have a better life without this man?

You didn't get the point all the way through this post. I hope with some hard fact digging, you can see the sense, no matter how much that erase the past identity you had as a person before those months. I do hope you see it...

Fairygarden1992 · 21/08/2022 08:51

Please listen to yourself making excuses for this excuse for a human being.

You say he wasn't abusive, from what you have written he was.

I feel like you're trying to talk yourself into this. From someone who has walked this path- please, please do not.

JustSortYoursefOut · 21/08/2022 08:52

Keep away from him. He's a total scumbag.

WTF475878237NC · 21/08/2022 08:53

You can't see the wood for the trees it seems. Minimising changing the locks is such an odd thing to focus on.

He's a shit. You need professional help to see why I think.

JennyForeigner · 21/08/2022 08:56

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2022 21:42

You'd have to be out of your fucking mind to get back together with this arsehole. It's bad enough you're even speaking to him. Your standards must be on the floor to be considering this.

Yeah, this.

JennyForeigner · 21/08/2022 08:59

eereti · 20/08/2022 21:43

@Endofanera22 I always promised myself this but he says he felt it was best for us not to speak, he seems to have done it with best of intentions as he says he was a very and upset and he knew I was too. I’m so conflicted, we had a great relationship for a few years beforehand.

Oh, so it was for your own good that he threw you out at 22 weeks pregnant and abandoned you and your baby? How kind of him to explain.

I bet he went off to his friends and relatives all full of righteous self-regard and got an absolute kicking. And even then he didn't show his sorry arse for months. What a dick.

WelliesandWine88 · 21/08/2022 09:00

He left his pregnant partner on the street! I would never forgive this!
What a vile creature

SnoozyLucy7 · 21/08/2022 09:10

eereti · 20/08/2022 22:01

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking he knew I had my own place. It wasn’t like he left me homeless. It really was just the silence that absolutely baffled me. We had argued a LOT on both sides. I was no angel. But I would never have cut him off like that and not sure I could do that to anyone let alone with the baby. I get why he drew a line but to not speak for so long… just no. I always said to myself absolutely not. I think it’s time I drew my line!!

What? You get why he drew the line? He dumped you, he left you, he ABANDONED you when you needed him the most!! He did this to you when you were at your most vulnerable, when you were pregnant with his baby! Not a word, not peep. Why would you ever contemplate going back to him?

Do you not think that in the future he could do something similar again, because I think he probably will at some point? Remember love is never ever enough, if that is all there is, so draw that line, if not for your self at least for the well being of your child.

LIZS · 21/08/2022 09:12

Focus on your baby, and getting financial support via cms. He does not deserve a second (or more) chance. He blew his opportunity to be a father and by the sounds of it was an emotional drain at his best. He did not have to change the lock, ignore your texts, miss out on the scans and birth, cause you stress, avoid supporting you and your newborn - he chose to do all that.

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/08/2022 09:14

He's done a right one on you if you think that his actions were done with the best of intentions. WTF!!!

He did something cruel and unforgivable. I can't believe you are thinking of getting back with him. You need to work on your self esteem.

bluedomino · 21/08/2022 09:24

Changing the locks is unforgivable - stop making excuses for him. He should be so mortified by his behaviour that he could never look you in the eye again. Even if he had done a load of therapy and worked on understanding why he ABANDONED his child, you should never be in the same room with him again. He should be traumatised by his actions, still getting professional psychological treatment and working on his total lack of empathy. To be so cold he could ignore you for 9 weeks, never inquire after the health of his baby or whether you were OK or needed anything, this makes me think he had something wrong with his. A psychopath or sociopath at the very least. Did he help pay for baby items? Cot, pram, nappies? Did he immediately pay maintenance the day he heard of the birth or did he only pay when CMS got on touch. He probably thinks he can get you to drop the claim if he manipulates you a bit. You are a mother now and your first responsibility is towards your child. Your child needs a stability and security, you won't get that from him. Your baby needs you more than you need a "relationship". Just concentrate on your baby. And also, everyday you waste on this poor excuse for a human man, you will never meet anyone who will treat you with love and respect. People do meet each other with young children in tow. Your life is not over, but your future will be if you go back to being abused by someone who is incapable of love. Keep away from the psychopath.

ChillysWaterBottle · 21/08/2022 09:30

Please love yourself enough to never go back to this horrible person. Even if you were my worst enemy I'd think you deserved better than that. Abandoning your pregnant partner and then not even seeing your own baby for months - let alone helping out! - is not normal or acceptable or forgivable behaviour. I promise men and relationships don't have to be like that. He is a terrible person.

Congratulations on your baby, OP x x x x

LookItsMeAgain · 21/08/2022 09:43

He has shown you what type of a man he is.
Have nothing to do with him romantically and can I suggest that you see a solicitor and get the best deal possible for your child. They may need it in their future.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/08/2022 09:48

One other thing - you're trying to justify why he did what he did. Stop making excuses for him. He did what he did. To his pregnant girlfriend.

Doesn't matter if you had somewhere to go. He still did what he did.

That was lower than low.

Discovereads · 21/08/2022 09:50

No, I couldn’t forgive that if it had been a few days, and he did literally threw you on the streets and ghosted you for months. That is extremely abusive. You would be mad to let him worm his back into your life.

lobsterkiller · 21/08/2022 09:57

You have been abused, now he is gaslighting you. You went through the latter part of your pregnancy, birth, early days without him. Stay well away for your child's sake.