Just found out DP spent 23% of his July pay on golf

[fuckgolf]

We have 3DC.
We rely on his income at the moment as youngest DD is 2 and we 'can't afford' childcare.
We are supposed to be getting married later this year.

He's self employed and always been weird about me helping him with his taxes, he failed to do self assessment returns for years and received fines, he finally let me submit them for him, has only recently started actually keeping receipts so i can submit allowable expenses. He wouldn't let me link his bank account to quickbooks, but I've just managed to do it with one of his accounts - this seems to be the one he was using for july. He's hundreds into the overdraft.

He put 63% of earnings in our joint account for all food, household bills, family car/fuel etc. We often cannot afford our bills and I intend to find part time evening work regardless, have been job hunting this week.

16% went on fuel and food expenses for work.

13% was spent directly on golf and 10% taken out in cash at ATM's.

I feel a bit horrified. What should I do/say?

Prepare for a lifetime of this, or leave.
He has had years of bad finances, you are helping him and there is still issues.
It's seems unlikely to change.

Are you married, or not?

OP says they’re meant to be getting married later this year.

Dont marry him. Double-up on contraception. Aim for financial independence ASAP and leave. In the meantime get a firm understanding of his income so you can challenge him on maintenance.

I had a hysterectomy last year so no chance of any more kids.

Time for a conversation on this. Fair enough if he wishes to play golf but hiding the money he spends shows he expects a row for this.

A strategy, and a proper budget is required, which allows him his golf but in a reduced capacity. I suspect he has no handle on money whatsoever and is just hoping for the best each month.

I've been infuriated with the tax issue and reluctance to sort it for years. Now ive had to go behind his back to connect just one of his bank accounts and found this - I just am flabberghasted.

I mean, I know hobbies are important etc but it's the shadiness, and attacking me if i order something on amazon for the kids.

Thank you - missed that.

Do you jointly own the house? Or rent?

OP, you’re between a rock and a hard place. Because if you’re an unmarried SAHP with a self-employed partner who’s shifty about finances your chances of getting adequate child support if you leave are low (he’ll make the accounts look like he doesn’t need to pay) and if you’re not on a mortgage you’ll get no assets.

But if you marry him you need to do so eyes wide open that he’s a selfish man who won’t put you and the DC first ever. Leopards don’t change their spots.

We rent and only I am on the tenancy.

Argh I've always thought he was so selfless. I'm shocked.

I suspect he has no handle on money whatsoever and is just hoping for the best each month.

Whereas I think this is a ridiculously generous interpretation and I think he’s borderline financially abusive.

Argh I've always thought he was so selfless. I'm shocked.

Well, you know him and I don’t. So perhaps he is just a disorganised bastard who can’t add up that loads of spending on golf & non essentials = no money for kids and bills.

But if he runs his own business he’s clearly not totally money illiterate…

Don't marry him, obviously.
Start looking for a job.
Ask him to leave.
Claim Universal Credit.
That's all you can do, really. I think you'll have a hard time getting child maintenance out of him.
Financially abusive fucker.

How many bank accounts does he have, OP?

Don't marry him. Leave him and get yourself a job.

2

He is definitely a disorganised bastard.
So am I (diagnosed ADHD) which is why he's gotten away with it thus far.

He got into golf about 2 years ago and funnily enough that's when he started earning less at work and we've been seriously struggling. (Although the tax submission fines had been accruing for a few years by then and he kept promising he would go to an accountant, didn't want me involved etc).

But he's definitely been actively keeping the golf expenses from me for 2 years.

Do you know what financially abusive means? Where is the element of control here? OP says he is usually selfless. This is not financial abuse- the term abuse is being thrown round so much it is meaningless and diminishes true victims.

Even yesterday when I was nagging him about being shit at keeping receipts - he said "yeah but you're happy to spend my money though aren't you". Now I know he was on the defensive - he's not usually such a prick about anything else.

Speaking as someone who has worked in accounting for more decades than I care to remember... don't marry him and tie yourself legally to someone so feckless with money. When HMRC properly catches up with him (and chances are they will), he could lose everything. And so might you.

If he can't even tell you, his supposed lifelong partner, the truth about his finances, how could you possibly trust him enough to get married?

Urgh when we were struggling my dh managed an £1800 annual golf membership.. When I was borrowing money for bills off my family he managed a few holes and pints every week. . When I saw his bank account and his actual pay -not what he told me he was getting - I threw him out and filed for divorce

Exactly. Now I know how selfish and dishonest he can be it has changed everything. My ex was an abusive cheat. I feel very similar right now to how I felt many Many years ago when I found out my ex had been cheating.

All his tax returns have now been submitted thankfully after he finally let me muddle through them a couple of years ago, he's paying the 2k worth of fines in instalments.

Time for a grown up conversation about teamwork, you and he doing your jobs to keep your family going, and him being secretive and non collaborative about his job, bringing in the cash, is as bad as if you were secretive about his kids, refused to tell him how you look after them, where you take them etc.

No doubt he would say he trusts you and doesn’t need to know, fine, but that doesn’t stop it being joint family business.

He sounds bad at budgetting and the admin of his job. Talk with him about that and how you could help…contribute to his role making the best of his hard work.

Tell him that marriage is a legal and financial partnership. Decisions about resources need to be made together. How does he feel about that?

His golf expenditure is a shock, but not as bad as the big debt.

Good luck, I hope he drops his defensiveness and starts to work more as a family team.

Tell him that where your relationship is concerned it needs to be you and him, back to back, working together for your kids and fending off all threats and problems. Does he want to be Starsky, or Hutch?

Don't marry him until all this is sorted otherwise his mess becomes your mess. It sets the standard & expectations point forward.

Golf, like cycling, tends to make them spend ridiculous amounts of money. I suspect it is the social boys club which encourages it.

OP, would you, and he, consider couples counselling about how this has made you feel? As in it being akin to cheating?

Are you sure it’s golf? Like, really really sure. A drop in earnings plus sudden increase in outgoings would have me worried it’s a cover for anything else. Gambling, other debts, affairs, secret family 😬 plus this is one account.

does ge have credit cards etc?

and when is he playing golf? During working hours when he should be earning and that’s why he’s not earning enough or after work/weekends?

who is he playing with? Solo?

you’ve a lot of questions you need answering.