Just found out DP spent 23% of his July pay on golf

[fuckgolf]

We have 3DC.
We rely on his income at the moment as youngest DD is 2 and we 'can't afford' childcare.
We are supposed to be getting married later this year.

He's self employed and always been weird about me helping him with his taxes, he failed to do self assessment returns for years and received fines, he finally let me submit them for him, has only recently started actually keeping receipts so i can submit allowable expenses. He wouldn't let me link his bank account to quickbooks, but I've just managed to do it with one of his accounts - this seems to be the one he was using for july. He's hundreds into the overdraft.

He put 63% of earnings in our joint account for all food, household bills, family car/fuel etc. We often cannot afford our bills and I intend to find part time evening work regardless, have been job hunting this week.

16% went on fuel and food expenses for work.

13% was spent directly on golf and 10% taken out in cash at ATM's.

I feel a bit horrified. What should I do/say?

Normal I am the first to suggest marriage when there are children involved, to protect you financially.

In this case though OP I would suggest postponing that and keeping your finances separate.

Honestly you need a job and you need independence. If he is saying that you as a couple cannot afford childcare for you to go back to work then he is in no position to be spending 23% of his salary on golf.

It sounds like he is not willing to pay for his 50% of the childcare costs or a proportionate to earnings amount but resents you spending 'his' money. So basically he wants to have his cake (a sahm who does all the childcare and probably more than her fair share of the housework) and to eat it (spend all of his money with no thought for his family)

I personally wouldn't be planning to stay with him long term if I were you.

Sorry for disappearing, chaos at home plus my ADHD makes it hard for me to concentrate at the best of times!

Last night I confronted him, he pointed out that one of the places I had counted as golf expenditure was actually a food shop, which checked out. However he still spent over 9% of his take home on golf. He claims the only reason he spent a couple of hundred on golf (not including his membership fee) is because he indulged in the new overdraft limit that came with the monzo account (new as of 2 months ago).

His main Barclays account – the other account which he has never let me look at or connect to his quickbooks - has direct debits for his phone (£65) and a supposed £100 to pay off his credit card (by the way he took out this credit card 2 years ago behind my back and spent 1k on it – partly on loads of golf clothes and also a drone which he never uses).

I only found out about it because I accessed his emails to try and set up quickbooks etc when I started sorting his taxes – I purposefully did not attack him over the credit card - to try and encourage future honesty. He did hand over the credit card and claims that he is only paying off the debt and not spending on it but how on earth would I know if he’s spending using the details online.

I also know that he borrows money from his mum and his brother and is repaying them frequently.

He stated a large portion of the cash he took out was to loan to his brother but didn’t explain the rest – although he does need to smoke a joint (out of the house) every evening so I know a portion of it goes on cannabis.
What makes it even worse is the fact that now it appears (for July at least) he spends about 12% of his take home after tax on fuel and food (food is an allowable expense as he travels all over for work – construction industry).

This means we are actually entitled to Universal Credit, and would have been every month since our youngest was born nearly 3 years ago.

Not only this – he’s not even giving all of his take home after tax and expenses to the household anyway.
So the household/family are even more worse off than Universal Credit calculations take into account.
20% of it goes on his stuff which I’m not allowed to see (and clearly a lot more as he is over-spending).

This new discovery in his huge allowable expenses also means that I’ve massively underestimated when submitting his taxes so we lost out there too.

What is a real kick in the teeth is the fact that he won’t let me connect his Barclays account to quickbooks so that I can submit the correct tax returns and try and save the family some money, he won’t even collect his receipts.

He started collecting fuel receipts a few months ago, but not food.

It just feels like total long-term disrespect.

Worse still, I told him it’s over between us unless he shows me the account and explains everything - today hes messaging telling me I’m crazy, he’s shown me everything and explained it all yesterday, what is my problem, I’m obsessed with money etc.

I’ve had to block him because the lying and gaslighting is so extreme.

It's so hard to find out they've been looking you in the face and lying. Not only that - but blaming you for over spending when you buy the kids some clothes etc

Oh, and he was all embarrassment and apologies when his fuckery over not letting me help him sort his taxes meant we were not entitled to the help during lockdown for the self employed - very quickly forgotten as although he let me guestimate his tax returns after that - he failed to collect his receipts for me til a few months ago.

That’s golf for you. It’s not the country club game for nothing. My DH spends a fortune on vintage clubs and membership fees. But it’s good for men I think. Keeps them excersising (if they walk instead of taking the little dune buggies).

I don’t see why it should have anything to do with work though

Are you sure it’s golf? Like, really really sure. A drop in earnings plus sudden increase in outgoings would have me worried it’s a cover for anything else. Gambling, other debts, affairs, secret family 😬 plus this is one account.
does ge have credit cards etc?
and when is he playing golf? During working hours when he should be earning and that’s why he’s not earning enough or after work/weekends?
who is he playing with? Solo?
you’ve a lot of questions you need answering.

He comes home in work clothes stinking and often works 6 days a week - so I don't see how he would have time for an affair or second family. He absolutely dotes on the kids when he comes home and puts them to bed every evening. Golf is usually every other sunday, the odd evening in the week. He's part of the whatsapp golf group. He's not secretive with any of the messages on his phone.
A lot of time is spent at the local range once the kids are in bed - all checks out with the payments etc.

What doesn't add up is the cash and whatever is coming out of his barclays account - the account may well be simply used to pay back his mum after he's borrowed in a perpetual cycle.......but why wold he be so secretive about admitting that.

I know it's an expensive hobby.

What do you mean it has nothing to do with work? He's depriving the family of money we desperately need.

That is so frustrating that he his gaslighting and not willing to address it like an adult.

I could weep at the UC you've missed out on.

Tbh OP you sound very controlling yourself trying to access his bank account. I don't blame him for being on the defensive, he works putting a roof over your head but has to buy his golf stuff in secret because he knows what will happen if you find out. I don't care if I get bashed for this, but my mum hides what she buys from my dad because she is scared of what he will say. I would say it's you who comes across as controlling. Get a job

I can only laugh at this response! 😝

He claims the only reason he spent a couple of hundred on golf (not including his membership fee) is because he indulged in the new overdraft limit that came with the monzo account

Jeez. Does he realise an overdraft is not free money??

TBH he sounds like a complete child. The golf, the borrowing money off his mum and brother, the weed. Sounds like a 15 year old.

I think you need to tell him the only way it will work between you is if ALL his money goes into the joint account and ALL his spending is done on debit cards or joint credit cards so you can see it. And you will agree to the same of course. Secret spending (and secret debt, even if only to family) is just not ok, unless you are rolling in it which doesn’t sound like the case.

OP all these percentages seem to add up to 100. Tell me he's at least putting money to one side for his tax and NI??

If I hadn't seen dh's back statement myself he would have continued to lie. I told him next day to move out. He did. Haven't seen him since that night. Over 10 years ago!

I thought that once you paid your membership the golf was free at that course? Or does he pay and play?

@fuckgolf

Sound like a pretty normal amount to me. Membership is like what? 2 to 3 grand? And he spent a couple of hundred dollars aside from that. Seems pretty normal if on the lower side of golf expenses.

I know when I sometimes go with DH, he could buy golf balls / that’s like 20$, buggy hire is like 30$ then if you have a drink or meal after that’s 50$ or so more. So?

@Riverlee

Thsts accurate but golf balls are expensive and depending on the course he could easily lose a lot and need to buy more if there’s a lot of trees or water (my husbands course has blackberries growing in the rough so it’s pointless to look for balls there without cutting yourself and quite a few little rivers). Then if he ever hires buggies that’s more money. Plus a drink after.

Also if he buys new clubs they are very expensive.

Ermmmm.......we can't afford childcare so that I can put our toddler into nursery and work, we're not able to pay our bills each month.

He only ever 'subcontracts' for the same company (basically they are his employer, but don't have to pay sick or holiday pay if their workers are technically self-employed) and they deduct 20% of his pay for tax and NI. It usually works out that he is owed tax back but then owes more NI. This wouldnt be the case if I had known what his actual expenses were and could have claimed them - he would have actually received a repayment for overpaid tax every year.

I have adhd. Solidarity. So easy to over compensate & assume the problem is you, not them.

My family were seriously fucked with no cash as kids. All due to tax bills not paid historically & the resulting fines. Pretty sure now my dad had adhd too but so, so stressful. Could have made other choices too.

Ironically, that experience as a kid means cash is a priority for me...

It's so easy to be gaslit too.

Golf is a hobby. Shows you where you are in his priorities.

If he only works for one company, he may get into trouble for that too.

He pays to hit balls at the local range too, as well as drinks and golf balls etc at the club. He's actually spending less than most of his mates there.

The problem is he's taken up a hobby we can't afford and he's had to lie.

No, it's actually legal for construction companies to operate like this. It's called a CIS deduction (construction industry scheme), but the 'subcontractor' (actually their employees!) still has to submit a tax return every year and is usually owed tax back because of their allowable expenses.

Yes Wombat, and he would never have been able to continue like this for so long if I weren't so chaotic and disorganised myself! Solidarity x

Yes, so easy to blame me for being controlling and mad though - even on this thread!

So what'????

whst do you mean 'so what?'

they can't pay their bloody bills. He's told her 'they' can't afford childcare so she can work. He LIED about his income, he gets angry when she buys the kids clothes. X

FFS.