Just found out DP spent 23% of his July pay on golf

[fuckgolf]

We have 3DC.
We rely on his income at the moment as youngest DD is 2 and we 'can't afford' childcare.
We are supposed to be getting married later this year.

He's self employed and always been weird about me helping him with his taxes, he failed to do self assessment returns for years and received fines, he finally let me submit them for him, has only recently started actually keeping receipts so i can submit allowable expenses. He wouldn't let me link his bank account to quickbooks, but I've just managed to do it with one of his accounts - this seems to be the one he was using for july. He's hundreds into the overdraft.

He put 63% of earnings in our joint account for all food, household bills, family car/fuel etc. We often cannot afford our bills and I intend to find part time evening work regardless, have been job hunting this week.

16% went on fuel and food expenses for work.

13% was spent directly on golf and 10% taken out in cash at ATM's.

I feel a bit horrified. What should I do/say?

Run for the hills. He will keep you impoverished forever. Whatever you do never EVER marry him unless you want to be landed with credit card debt too

To be honest he doesn't seem to have a clue about money snd certainly shouldn't be running a business/ being self employed.

Please make sure you take details of his earnings and employer for cms at least they will access his info on wages before he spends it as long as he puts everything through legitimately.

I honestly can't see him ever changing if you’ve already pulled him up on his money issues and he's still putting himself first before you and the children.

Good luck.

Has this thread been infiltrated by MRAs? So much ‘he works hard and keeps you, you ungrateful wench. Know your place!’

The family are struggling financially. He doesn’t put enough into the joint account to cover the bills. He’s hiding away money in lots of different accounts and refusing to keep accounts (or let her do the accounts) so he can submit accurate tax returns. Or to claim UC that they would be entitled to.

She’s unable to return to work because of the childcare costs for 3 children. A FT childcare place for a 2 year old (alone) is over £1k a month. The childcare she provides him enables him to work 6 days a week!

And somehow she’s in the wrong for objecting to him spending large chunks of the household income on golf, and ‘loans to his brother’, and weed.

Life would be much easier without this to deal with OP!

Limiting access to household money and l

leaving the OP without enough to cover basic expensive is controlling.

of course it is. Denying someone access to money is a very effective means of preventing them from doing anything.

It's very common for tradespeople to be either great on the tools but crap at the admin/money/comms side, or crap on the tools but very canny and 'on top' with admin. I have a trade and am in the former camp, although not so badly I haven't submitted my tax returns (I have submitted on 31st Jan more than once though!) or hide things from DH. HOWEVER, I fully accept and admit this is a personal failing despite trying very hard for it not to be. I would happily hand all my paperwork and access to accounts over to my husband (or anyone TBH 😂) if he ever offered to take it all on and do all my admin (he won't). I am always jealous of the tradesmen (because it is only ever the men) who have wives who do this, even if they have FT jobs themselves.
I can well believe he also buries his head in the sand. I could even believe he has been so reluctant up until now to allow you the extra access because he's embarrassed at how useless he is and the mess he's in. The fact he still won't allow access to the other account now it is all out in the open suggests either a catastrophic mess or that he's financially abusive as well as financially illiterate. If it is the latter I would be getting yourself out of there as quickly as you are able. If the former, remaining together may be possible (if you want to!) provided he gives you full access and control.

FYI, it has been a few years since I was on the CIS scheme (I'm fully and genuinely SE now), but it was definitely against the rules to be just working for 1 contracter as a subby. My old 'contractor' (really my main and near-sole employer) used to do a wage swap with other local builders periodically for precisely this reason ie we would occasionally get paid plus CIS slips from a different company to the one we were working for. He also encouraged us to do at least the odd private job so our books had more variety.
It is also worth noting that if he genuinely is pretty crap with all the admin, if he is doing/goes on to do private work then there is a chance you are missing out on income there too where he misses that people haven't paid. Thankfully most of my clients are good people who pay without me needing to check and chase, but occasionally I miss a payment this way and don't realise until I do my books 18 months later 🤦🏻‍♀️

If he still won't let you see his main bank account there's a reason for that - I'd bet he either earns quite significantly more than you realise, just doesn't want you knowing about it so hiding it, or he's in considerable debt. I'd walk away, and fast.

How close are you to his mum and family? Is there something from his past he isn’t telling you? It seems weird he’s about to lose his home, partner and family because he won’t show the Barclays account. Is that because there is some CCJ against him he’s also paying or CMS to a prior family?

I couldn’t deal with this so am not surprised you’re getting out.

I was wondering why he needed 10% in cash when most transactions are contactless , but you say 'weed' which would explain the need for cash .

I'd leave in your shoes

Right, because we must keep those women together with their financially abusive partners lest they become a burden on the state 🙄(hint: unless you are one of those mythical MN high earners, we are all a burden on the state one way or another)

Don't marry him, you'll never be free from his debts and ongoing liabilities.

DO collect copies of everything and file them securely safely and privately, so that extracting child maintenance from him is ever so slightly easier.

This Isn't just being disorganised. This is willfull. This is buying a sodding man toy on a credit card when you're not paying the basic bills. This is going to golf and smoking weed while you moan at your partner for buying from Amazon while you spend an overdraft on luxuries just for you. This is pretending to run a household with your partner who cannot work because she is doing childcare for your children whilst also seeing your income as yours and not family money.

I don't know how you are going to extract yourself from him, but you absolutely must.

If he were "just disorganised" he would still be a mature and responsible adult, and he'd employ an accountant to do his books and tax return. At an absolute minimum he'd allow his partner who wants to help full access to everything and keep his sodding receipts. But he's not just disorganised. To fail to submit a tax return for years is willfully negligent beyond all belief. And I would bet my bottom dollar he doesn't save towards the tax bill every year.

Tbh OP you sound very controlling yourself trying to access his bank account. I don't blame him for being on the defensive, he works putting a roof over your head but has to buy his golf stuff in secret because he knows what will happen if you find out. I don't care if I get bashed for this, but my mum hides what she buys from my dad because she is scared of what he will say. I would say it's you who comes across as controlling. Get a job

OP can’t do his tax returns properly unless, she can record all his income and allowable expenses, which from the sound of it, could be scattered across multiple bank accounts and credit card(s). I would encourage him, if he doesn’t do it already, to have one bank account for his work, save every month some money for his tax in January and July (going forward, as I know he is already paying back taxes by instalments) and then take a regular amount of drawings each month, into a joint account for both of you, to pay all the bills, buy food, clothes, do some savings, etc. If there’s any left over, transfer it in equal shares to your individual personal accounts. Then he can spend as much or as little as he can afford from his own money on golf, and you can do what you want with yours!

Is he medicated for his ADHD? It sounds like he is in an ADHD shame spiral and can't face reality.

This is in no way an excuse for his terrible behavior but it might be part of an explanation.

He's offered to look for somewhere else to live?

Big of him. But men generally don't leave unless they have somewhere to go...

I would suggest packing his bags for him, and giving him an opportunity to consider whether his family is his priority or not. You spent 'his money' buying his daughter a bike... That in itself is rather telling.

I'd avoid marriage to a financially selfish person. They only drag you down with them. I escaped mine, but it was very difficult to get out.

This

My DF is incredibly generous and was offering to pay any accountancy fees needed to sort the years of u submitted tax returns that he was receiving fines for.
He still didn't do it.

Then he let me do it but still wouldn't provide proof of allowable expenses.

Honestly looking back on it I cringe.

Honestly he is selfless in the sense that he will come home from work and pick up most of the childcare. He takes the kids out to the park, walks around the village with them. He puts our youngest DD to bed every night.

I've had multiple health issues with hormones meaning essentially a mood disorder that made me hard to live with for a long time... I had to have a hysterectomy a year ago which resolved it thank god. I've also had a recent ADHD diagnosis. I am by no means perfect.

My ex before DP was incredibly feckless and abusive, and a drug and alcohol addict.

For so long I've felt like I'm so lucky to have DP.

I am shocked that he's turned out to be so deceitful and selfish financially.

Today he has messaged that he can't believe I'm throwing away the family just because I want to be controlling. It's the thin end of a wedge and soon he won't be able to move for being nagged at about 2 quid spent in McDonald's. He absolutely refuses to show me his account and maintains its out of principle. He says it's all so embarrassing having to cancel the wedding because of this madness.

I've repeated that this is nonsense and he is gaslighting me. I even said maybe we can salvage this if he is honest.... Even if its 40k secret debt. Still he is adamant in his stance.

I've told him he needs to explain to his poor DM that the wedding is off by Sunday or I will. I'm not bluffing. He can stay in the house this week while I am in Cornwall with DC and my DM but he needs to be gone by the time we are back next weekend.

This is exactly what I have been asking him to do for a long time.

I have often thought he has strong traits of ADHD. I have it myself. He is too stubborn to ever acknowledge these traits though.

clickychicky
What is he doing with the cash?

Partly buying weed, who knows what else it's going on. He says he takes it out so it doesn't go on the direct debits he doesn't have enough to pay for.

Am I misunderstanding something?

He's also spending money that he can't afford, on weed??

Wow, his (non-official) employer is operating completely illegally then. Nearly all their subcontractors work only for them. I have been disgusted for years that it's legal to avoid paying sick, holiday, Paternity just by saying your employees are subcontracted self employed.

This is exactly what I have been asking him to do for a long time.

I’m an accountant and had to prepare income and expenditure accounts for clients, like your DH! It’s not easy, and our first piece of advice is always to have a separate bank account for the work! Imo, a couple should have transparency in their finances, just like all other matters; and each gets an equal share of what’s left over - that’s not being controlling, it’s just fairness!

He's had to smoke weed nearly every night since he was a teen. It doesn't affect his behaviour or mood in any way that I can tell so I just accept it as if someone had a glass of wine every evening to relax.