Just found out DP spent 23% of his July pay on golf

[fuckgolf]

We have 3DC.
We rely on his income at the moment as youngest DD is 2 and we 'can't afford' childcare.
We are supposed to be getting married later this year.

He's self employed and always been weird about me helping him with his taxes, he failed to do self assessment returns for years and received fines, he finally let me submit them for him, has only recently started actually keeping receipts so i can submit allowable expenses. He wouldn't let me link his bank account to quickbooks, but I've just managed to do it with one of his accounts - this seems to be the one he was using for july. He's hundreds into the overdraft.

He put 63% of earnings in our joint account for all food, household bills, family car/fuel etc. We often cannot afford our bills and I intend to find part time evening work regardless, have been job hunting this week.

16% went on fuel and food expenses for work.

13% was spent directly on golf and 10% taken out in cash at ATM's.

I feel a bit horrified. What should I do/say?

Given he isn't managing to find money to pay the bills, or his debts I very much doubt he would find the money for childcare.

Are you even reading the same thread?

But anyway, she is leaving him so your advice is somewhat behind the times

@HumptyDumpty2022 which MRA forum are you from? I bet it's Reddit.

OP I'd reply to that message and say "and how many of them have a partner who is (was) trying to help them do their tax returns? How many of them have the debts you have, haven't done a tax return in years, have been caught out in multiple lies about money and abuse their partner for buying things for their children?"

Honestly, was the mention of golf like some sort of MRA klaxon to pick up their ‘get a job’ lines and head over?

Maybe this is why people are so cagey about these mysterious hobbies. It’s because the word golf (or presumably cycling) sets off alerts so the golf bros can ride in and stop those women criticising their fellow walk ruiner’s shit behaviour.

I do wonder if this thread would have attracted the same attention if the title didn’t include a criticism of spending on golf.

He'd find the money for childcare if he gave up golfing. But I doubt that suggestion would go down well with him. And of course if the OP goes back to work he's going to have to pick up half the slack at home with regards to cooking, cleaning and the children. I'm sure he'll be all for that too.

he works 6 days a week and manages plenty of golf it seems. I doubt he’s doing much in terms of looking after the children or housework. So I’d imagine that would come as a big shock to the system.

OP I've noticed you blaming yourself a lot on this thread for not picking this up earlier because of your ADHD.
Please stop - if your Poptart wasn't being so deceitful and secretive there would be no issue.
Instead give yourself some kudos for spotting this before the wedding.
I hope you work it out for the best conclusion for you.

Poptart? I meant Partner

Awesome autocorrect though! 🤣

Sorry op, don't mean to make light, just a note of humor. Solidarity from a fellow ADHDer.

My contract is with Three and my handset is with Sky so my bills are split because it was cheaper to do it that way for the newer phone. Does he have a work phone and a personal phone maybe 🤔

Any sort of not letting you have access to family finances is a red flag regardless but not allowing you to see them when allowing you would mean you can save the family money is a deal breaker. He's obviously hiding something from you and that would be a LTB moment especially as he has form.

I think sitting down and issuing ultimatums would be a good next step or you'll be robbing Peter to pay Paul and being hoodwinked naked by this fool forever.

Tell him none of the guys in his group are utter financial incompetents who would, rather than just be transparent with their finances, leave their family short each month by taking up a hobby they can't afford and pay too much tax. Who the fuck pays too much tax willingly??

(Sorry just caught up).

Okay so I googled and I think the two separate direct debits is indeed one for handset one for the calls/data etc.

I responded to his message re his golf mates that he's only given them part of the story, would they like my number so I can explain to them about the tax returns, not being able to pay bills etc.

He said "You've gone completely insane, good job it's happened now and not in 3 months i'd be totally fucked ha"

I then said "YOU? Who took out a 1k credit card debt behind my back, spends hundreds on golf and weed every month while letting their family cobble the pennies together to pay only some of the bills? And YOURE the one whose had a lucky escape!? "

He then said "I'm going to print out my barclays account statements and put leave them out for you so you can see I've done nothing wrong and how much you've fucked up"

I said "I don't care what you've done or haven't done anymore, youre totally out of order and im done. Go fuck yourself forever"

turned my phone off now. It's all too shocking and upsetting.

I take all my comments back and YOU have had a lucky escape. Get rid of him

Please check your own credit score and check there are no accounts, credit cards , loans etc in your name he has opened without you knowing. My sisters ex did that and left her with £20k debt. He faked her signature (back in the day) and returned the application. He wasn’t liable to pay as it was in her name.

I said it at the beginning of the thread and I'll say it again. He's a financially abusive fucker. You'll be a lot better off without him - financially and otherwise.

Couldn't have put it better than @AnotherEmma It will take a while but you'll soon look back and wonder how on earth you put up with it for so long. I know I did (also golf).

Sounds to me like you can’t read.

You have indeed had a lucky escape. anotheremma has basically summed it up for you. He doesn’t count you as a person, just a machine that looks after him the house and the children.

Turned my phone on this morning to some drunken gibberish about being a manipulative slut who will end up "shagging someone soon" and who everyone agrees (his golf mates I presume) has mental issues, and that he shouldn't be blackmailed into showing me his bank account...oh and I've made him lose his DC. I just laughed.

Well he's made it very easy for you to end it.

Don't believe a word he says. My ex used to make up shit like this, but I soon found out after I left him that it was all bull.

I did have one of his not so nice golfing cronies come up to me when I was at a gig, not long after I left, and ask "how does it feel being a golfing widow?". I replied "not very good. So I've left him". His face was a picture.

Life will be so much better when you are free of him OP. Women are so much stronger than men will have us believe.

Good God OP, that man really is a nasty piece of work. I'm so glad you've decided you're done with him.

Regarding questions over whether money is being spent on dodgy things, some people are honestly just chronically shit with money. I know one such person, it's actually pathological with him. He cannot stop spending on utterly pointless things and lying about it, and he will never not be in debt. No stone has been left unturned with his man with regards to whether there were any gambling, drugs, prostitutes or addiction issues - I'm talking PI level. They even at one point thought he surely must have a whole second family he's supporting in order to be burning through that much money.

It transpires he was having lots of very casual affairs and the majority of the money was going on meals out and petrol 🤷‍♀️ crazy stuff. Obviously that's dodgy sure, but it's not quite drugs and prostitute level dodgy.

To be clear, even if all the money truly is going on golf, I think you should still get rid. Actually, regardless of the money issues, you should get rid purely because of the disgusting way he's spoken to you.

Ugh. What a twat he is. So sorry op xx

I hope you’re ok @fuckgolf