Just found out DP spent 23% of his July pay on golf

[fuckgolf]

We have 3DC.
We rely on his income at the moment as youngest DD is 2 and we 'can't afford' childcare.
We are supposed to be getting married later this year.

He's self employed and always been weird about me helping him with his taxes, he failed to do self assessment returns for years and received fines, he finally let me submit them for him, has only recently started actually keeping receipts so i can submit allowable expenses. He wouldn't let me link his bank account to quickbooks, but I've just managed to do it with one of his accounts - this seems to be the one he was using for july. He's hundreds into the overdraft.

He put 63% of earnings in our joint account for all food, household bills, family car/fuel etc. We often cannot afford our bills and I intend to find part time evening work regardless, have been job hunting this week.

16% went on fuel and food expenses for work.

13% was spent directly on golf and 10% taken out in cash at ATM's.

I feel a bit horrified. What should I do/say?

I think the so is

So her DH shouldn't have taken up an expensive hobby when they are struggling to pay their bills

@Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits

Sounded like the only thing they couldn’t pay was childcare so she could work, but if that can’t be easily covered by her work then you have to wonder what the point is anyway?

I suspect that he is both financially incompetent and then in some form of denial. He may be under some illusion that he should be part of a golf club to help his work perhaps?

Apart from the bit where she repeatedly says they can't pay their bills, he is spending money on credit cards and overdrafts and owes money right left and centre

What is he doing with the cash?

Partly buying weed, who knows what else it's going on. He says he takes it out so it doesn't go on the direct debits he doesn't have enough to pay for.

He has come home from work silent. No offer to be honest no communication at all. Apart from saying that he will look for somewhere to live.

We've just been messaged on a group chat to ask for details of wedding. Really don't know what to say right now.

Alas, no. Its not anything to do with work or any bosses/colleagues.

I agree with this. If it’s really such an issue then get a job and support yourself and pay equal into the account to cover half of everything as well.

give the man a break, he plays golf and works hard to support his family . Comes home and put kids to bed and his crime is hiding accounts and playing golf. As said, he prolly hides it all cause of your reaction. If your worried about money they badly then get a job. You would be in a pickle if he ever left you

Don't do this. Just leave. Believe me, life like that is terrible.

Alright luv. 😘

Haha ‘luv’ … sums you up then. Btw the title of this is misleading stating he spent 23% of his July pay on golf when actually it was 13% and then 10% cash. Make your mind up.

BTW... I don't give a shiny how misleading the title is. It could be an extra 25% over his wage every month for all I know.

But you don’t know and that’s why your angry . Is it just the money your angry about or are you questioning what more there is he is hiding ? I would be and I’m not arguing or trying to wind you up but is it the deceit your more angry about or the lack judgement on money on his part

The deceit.

I would be the same

Well he's a twat. That's the long and short of it. A selfish lying show-off twat. Why on Earth do women marry such fuckwits?

Why is everyone piling in on the OP? She’s done nothing wrong!

3 kids with this man and he’s been lying to her about how much money he makes, what he’s been spending it on when they can’t afford their bills and when confronted and asked to show her his other main bank account he’d rather state that he’s leaving?! He must be hiding something drastic @fuckgolf if that was his go to rather than show you his account.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It must be so frustrating that someone you thought you’d be sharing life with turns out to be an absolute bellend.

Op 💐. This must be really stressful for you. Please ignore the rude comments.

Its normal for both partners in a relationship to be aware of finances. It’s normal to prioritise bills and then for both partners to have equal spends. It’s normal when you have young DC for a couple to decide to have one of them stay at home because of childcare costs.

What you need to do now is focus on you and the dc. Put in a universal credit and a cms claim. Get him out of the house and organise contact for the DC. Get some real life support for yourself. Make plans for your future without him.

He is a selfish selfish man who puts himself first at the expense of his own DC. He should be embarrassed not trying to gaslight you and say you are crazy.

Yes I believe it must be something drastic for him to still be unwilling to show me his bank account even in an attempt to save the relationship.
The DC and I are going to Cornwall for a week tomorrow with my DM who has very kindly paid for us to have a holiday. He has said he will leave when we're coming back.

Thank you for the support. I do waver in my resolve a lot so it really helps.

The man works hard 6 days a week and is being bashed for wanting to play golf? He pays for everything and the OP is complaining?
Now you're all telling her to LTB and become a burden on the state? Great advice.

The man works hard 6 days a week and is being bashed for wanting to play golf?

Oh if only it was that simple. 🤔

No I never bashed him for playing golf.
I didn't bash him when he for years refused to submit his tax returns or see an accountant, or let me submit them for him so accumulated years of late return fines.
I didn't bash him when he finally relented and let me submit them but didnt collect receipts or let me see his bank account for allowable expenses so that we might cobble some of the fines back in overpaid taxes being returned.

I'm bashing him now because I've found out that his allowable expenses are over 3 x what I imagined to the point that we would have been entitled to financial help for the last 3 years let alone overpaid taxes being returned, that he has been spending a significant proportion of money on an expensive hobby whilst borrowing money off of his brothers, mother, my mum and dad that we can scarce afford to repay. He took out a credit card behind my back and God knows what else.
He's only putting 65% max of his earnings into the household coffer. He's also been taking hundreds out in cash that's unaccounted for.
We supposedly can't afford to put our toddler into childcare so that I can get a min wage job to help with financial contributions to the family.
At the same time he tells me I'm spending his money when I ordered our toddler a 45 quid bike off amazon.

Not only that he still won't let me see his main bank account whilst telling me I'm crazy and he's done nothing wrong.

Talk about missing the point!

It doesn’t matter if he worked 7 days a week, the simple fact is they can’t pay their bills/in debt/living in overdrafts because he’s been lying/secretive about how much he truly earns and berates OP for daring to spend small amounts on the children - but yet has the audacity to spend £££ on his hobby. Can you not see the complete contradiction?

Most people who cannot afford to pay their bills would knuckle down as a family and cut back on any unnecessary expenditure. So in this case, yes his golf hobby would have to go on hold for however long it took them to get back of their feet. That’s what a normal couple would do. He’s not being bashed for spending money on his hobby, that is the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’s hiding accounts, unwilling to discuss money and is generally being a deceitful toad.

It’s amazing how so many people on here have such a lack of comprehension or even a basic grasp of a situation.

You and your family is not his priority.