Male colleague touching me on the shoulder, supposedly to get my attention

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

This morning, whilst on a Teams call, I didn't realise that my speakers were on loud until a colleague told me and I was using headphones too.

However, the way he did this, was by coming up to me and placing a hand, quite firmly on my shoulder and then speaking to me. I've always thought this man thinks quite a lot of himself since I first met him a few months ago, he's not unpleasant, but he seems to want to be Mr Popular etc! He was sat in the desk next to me today.

I just found after he'd done it, I felt like it was slightly patronising and I didn't like it, he could've easily spoken to me or even sent me a message I thought.

It's a very male dominated environment I work in but most of my male colleagues are very respectful and wouldn't do what this man did.

What do others think?

This! I've come back to loads of responses (which I've read).

I'd just like to make things clear - I didn't realise I had speakers on and I was literally on the call for about a minute or so. If I'd known I had speakers on I would have sorted this out ASAP. As it was, it seemed to be an issue which got sorted out later on that day, so for any further calls, I ducked into a spare meeting room near our desk space which is sound proofed.

I can definitely say, I never have speakers on in the office, as I know it's irritating to others, this was the first thing I got sorted out with IT when I started in this role, making sure headphones/speakers got sorted out. Of course, loads of MNers without knowing me seem to think, "I'm a pain to work with", "It's not the first time I've done this" etc! Far from it. I'm not loud, get on with my work and don't distract others either.

It's interesting how a few people today have indeed said they wouldn't like this, think it's dominance on his part etc. And yes, I do think I made too much of this, on reflection, so no, I won't speak to him about this! But also, I do think there were other ways he could've got my attention and I know it wasn't just a light tap but a firm hold on my shoulder with a sort of 'shut up' wording attached to it. Obviously he did this in a way he thought sounds 'nice' to me as a co-worker.

I've worked with lawyers for 8 years (not in this firm, it's mostly engineers) so I know there are characters in the work place who can be difficult. I do think that maybe some of my past experiences (more, actually, the paralegal who roughly placed his hand over mind to move my mouse to make me do something which he didn't want to do!) have affected how I feel about this hopefully one off incident.

But since yesterday, I have let this go. And as I said before, I won't post about this sort of 'non problem' again!

Not really unnecessarily. OP does sound like hard work.

It's acceptable if you've agreed between yourselves it's acceptable. I hug my colleagues by mutual agreement, but we still don't generally go in for any other touching. I think that's pretty normal tbh. I would treat it as a rule, yes, to not touch your opposite-sex colleagues.

As another comment, I think it's very different if you've worked with people for a while, say over 6 months. I personally think, that then, you get to know people better and you can judge whether 'touching' is ok or not. This man, I think I've been on one office social with him but apart from that, there's not been much interaction between us, apart from the odd hello. And I don't particularly like him, but I don't dislike him really either!

I just started here 3 months ago and we are only in the office 2 days a week, rest WFH.

Some of my colleagues (team environment) I barely know because some of us are in the office on different days.

I'm also one of those people and always have been like it, where I don't really like hugs, affection from even close members of my family, I'm just not that comfortable with it (have got a bit better over the years) and that's the way I am. If I do hugs etc - I prefer this to be on my terms. If that makes me come across as an uppity, unapproachable bitch then so be it.

Oh, only opposite sex colleagues now? That”# quite a change.

Why only opposite sex, though? That seems a bit strange. No shaking hands at your work, no kisses on the cheek when French or Italian colleagues visit?

It all sounds a bit unusual to me.

What a fuss about nothing.

I think you're being a little obtuse. Shaking hands or greeting with a kiss is obviously fine, context-dependent.

I also think it's obvious why not touching opposite-sex colleagues is a good idea.

All workplaces are different, and you might work in a place where the culture is that touching one another however you like is fine. But I'd say that's quite unusual in the UK. I've never worked in a place where people touched one another freely beyond greetings. I respect people's boundaries and expect them to respect mine. I don't really see what upsets you about that. Unless it bothers you that women have boundaries?

It’s not obvious at all. If you think it’s about a possible sexual motive then your mind is going to be blown when you find out about homosexuality.

And why is it suddenly now only women’s boundaries? Is this yet another reverse ferret, and it’s only that men should not touch women, but it’s fine the other way round?

I don't know what you're on about, tbh. Why do you have to be homophobic? And when I have said it's only women's boundaries?

However, as a woman, it's true I'd definitely object to being touched by male colleagues more than by female colleagues, although generally speaking zero touching by any colleagues is ideal. And yes, I do think it should be pretty obvious why as a woman I don't feel comfortable with male people touching my body.

We teach our children that they own their bodies and that no one can touch them without permission. I'm not sure why you think at some point women are supposed to give that up.

You asked if it bothers me that women have boundaries. That implies it’s not a problem if it’s a man being touched.

You just seem to want extra-special treatment for women at work, but not for men, which is utterly unreasonable.

Seriously, I work so hard to have a balanced workplace, and people with your attitude undo so much of that work with your “I’m a woman, how dare you treat me like men!”

What @ImWell said with bells on.

What @ImWell said is a lot of nonsense that bears no relation to anything I actually said.

Of course it did. You switched from people should not be touched to some idiocy about women’s boundaries. You took a sex-neutral comment and dishonestly tried to twist it into me thinking that women should have no boundaries. Did you even réalisé that you are doing it?

People like you do so much harm to the drive for sex-equality at work, and you don’t seem to care.

I seriously have no idea what you're talking about. You've gone from obtuse comments about handshakes to homophobic comments to accusing me of setting back women's rights! Harming sex equality because I won't let male colleagues touch my body - that has got to be the most unhinged thing I've heard on here for a while.

Would really appreciate it if you'd leave me alone now. Thanks. Enjoy the rest of the day.

This is a whole load of hogwash.

(Person gets other persons attention by tapping shoulder)

i’m so glad you don’t work for me as you sound toxic.

so tell him that, and it will be fine.

Presumably he didn't want to shout across, knowing you were (inconsiderately) in a teams meeting with mic on "oi Looney, cut it out!"