Male colleague touching me on the shoulder, supposedly to get my attention

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

This morning, whilst on a Teams call, I didn't realise that my speakers were on loud until a colleague told me and I was using headphones too.

However, the way he did this, was by coming up to me and placing a hand, quite firmly on my shoulder and then speaking to me. I've always thought this man thinks quite a lot of himself since I first met him a few months ago, he's not unpleasant, but he seems to want to be Mr Popular etc! He was sat in the desk next to me today.

I just found after he'd done it, I felt like it was slightly patronising and I didn't like it, he could've easily spoken to me or even sent me a message I thought.

It's a very male dominated environment I work in but most of my male colleagues are very respectful and wouldn't do what this man did.

What do others think?

You sound right hard work, your colleagues have my sympathy having to navigate you 😫

What a non event.

Perhaps you should consider how your own actions - realised it not - impact on others? You expect him to know that you don't like tapping on the shoulder, when you didn't think about or realise that your actions were disturbing ever else. Put your house in order before you criticise others.

I see a few people get this and a few don't.

He hadn't tried to speak to me before as I'd have heard him and I was literally a minute or so into the conversation before he came over, next to me.

This is the same man, who loudly speaks on Teams/Zoom calls almost all day, yet I wouldn't ask him to be quiet.

I know what this hand on my shoulder was and it was a definite attempt to assert himself, as my superior, but in a 'friendly/matey' way and no I didn't like it.

He could have easily sent me an email/message on Teams or even spoke loudly to me, as I was just speaking to another person, not in a meeting as such.

I'm not going to speak to him about it now but if he does it again then I will.

I come from an era, not that long ago actually, where one ex boss found it funny to stroke my legs in front of clients, another touched me in the breast/arm area (cornered me) and like I said before more recently one nasty ex colleague placed his hand over mine to get me to move my computer mouse aggressively. So forgive me if I am feel a little bit sensitive over this.

I was speaking on a loudspeaker for a minute or so, not for hours and I didn't realise my loudspeaker was on and headphones weren't working. I didn't deliberately choose to have my work conversation on loudspeaker to annoy my other colleagues, why on earth would I do that? I'm only in the office two days a week, same as everyone else, and am pleasant and polite to everyone there.

All this thread has done is basically reinforce in my mind, that something seemingly sensitive to you, you should never post on MN, because, the vast majority of the time, you're in the wrong.

I think you just don’t like him therefore anything he does is going to irk you.

I come from an era

You couldn't have come from an era earlier than mine and I don't see how touching someone's arm or shoulder to get their attention is pervy. I get you've got baggage but it's unfair to bring it to all your dealings.

However, we're on page 3 now, so those couple of people who agreed with you should shortly turn into a torrent of outraged supporters of your situation. So carry on reading because they will hopefully make you feel better.

I don't dislike him that much. He's irritating though. I can't help that.

Well yes, that’s true, and why I never post about anything on MN.

That - and the fact that if something like this happened to me and I didn’t like it - why would I garner opinions on it?

I know how I feel and that’s all that matters. Other people (inevitably) disagreeing with me isn’t going to help.

I don't think you've read my posts - I didn't say in any way I found what he did pervy. I just think he was crossing boundaries doing that and he could've found another way to get my attention.

I don't actually want a fan club of people supporting me hardly any are anyway but I can't help that what he did, did sort of trigger some responses to things which have happened (see the hand on mine when I was using a mouse).

But I don't think it was pervy at all. However, I don't think he would necessarily have done this to a man, I don't really know.

Have a lovely evening!

I really think the world has gone mad. God help you if you ever have to worry about something serious.

That's the whole point of this forum, isn't it, to get opinions?

I didn't put it in AIBU because I know the witch hunt way it can turn there.

Anyway, I've learned my lesson ha ha! and won't be posting anything here in the future because basically it's a non issue and I'm obviously being far too sensitive about it. shrug

I don't mean I won't be posting anything here (not Flouncers Corner!) - I just won't bother posting posts like this one!

I've had serious issues in the past. This is trivial. Please don't tell me to go 'f' myself. You only demean yourself, not me.

Well, yes, but I let other people provide the fodder. And I just provide the opinions.

Much better for one’s mental health.

If he goes on doing this in inappropriate situations then I could understand you being pissed off.

Get a grip, relax ..........

He did nothing wrong, you made the error by having your speaker on when it should have been turned off. You need to calm down.

I think this is an overreaction.
General consensus is that it is OP.

I think you have a point, OP.

As OP said he put his hand firmly on her shoulder, I think its clear that it wasn't a tap. A polite tap on the shoulder to attract attention is tentative and obvious.

OP didn't feel it was this so she's likely right.

He could have walked around to the front of your desk and gestured to you.

He could have waited a minute to see if you noticed the problem yourself.

I would HATE someone to put their full hand on me in this situation.

Why should he touch her when there are many other options?

The problem here is that you have filled in the gaps.

You couldn’t hear your laptop was on loud. But are very sure you would have heard him speaking.

You have decided he was trying to assert himself.

him being loud on calls is annoying. It’s completely different to someone having their call on loudspeaker, when the people around them know it’s probably a mistake.

it’s fine not to want to be touched. That doesn’t mean what he did was in anyway wrong. Nothing wrong with saying. ‘Thanks for letting me know, but for future I really don’t like to be touched’. That’s it.

Sometimes in situations there’s not any blame to be had. Just 2 people coming at things from different directions. Speak up.

I can't cope.

I'm so sorry @GonnaGetGoingReturns , I was completely wrong to say you thought he was pervy. In fact you were very clear that you didn't think he was being pervy! Doh. I misread it. Completely my mistake. I'm really sorry for that. 💐

@GonnaGetGoingReturns I think you are entitled to feel how you do. You're going to have to assert that if it happens again. We are all having to embrace changes in the way we interact with each other - the issue of pronouns now has to be respected - and people will assert their right to that. Fair enough, some people think you are being overly sensitive but you are expressing how you feel. It's unfair for him to put make you feel uncomfortable - to put you in an awkward position in front of other colleagues - I think it shows a lack of awareness. I've working in engineering roles mainly - that inevitably includes a few highly strung and/or highly stressed and sometimes very bright people - they can get upset over the strangest things - you learn about people and their quirks and preferences. I worked in education for a while too and there you definitely become a lot more sensitive to the issue of physical contact as well as aware that some people you teach or even work with have some trauma in their lives - generally you think very carefully, especially as a male, about physical contact, however innocent with other people.

Maybe you assert need to assert quietly and firmly with a witness (make a note of this - send yourself an email) - and tell him that he is not to touch you again and ask him - "is that clear?" You don't have to offer any explanation or apologise.

This will be my last comment on this thread. I generally only comment once on any thread to try and avoid arguments - because - it's the internet - and people aren't the same in real life.