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Original poster

Male colleague touching me on the shoulder, supposedly to get my attention

166 replies

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/08/2022 17:24

This morning, whilst on a Teams call, I didn't realise that my speakers were on loud until a colleague told me and I was using headphones too.

However, the way he did this, was by coming up to me and placing a hand, quite firmly on my shoulder and then speaking to me. I've always thought this man thinks quite a lot of himself since I first met him a few months ago, he's not unpleasant, but he seems to want to be Mr Popular etc! He was sat in the desk next to me today.

I just found after he'd done it, I felt like it was slightly patronising and I didn't like it, he could've easily spoken to me or even sent me a message I thought.

It's a very male dominated environment I work in but most of my male colleagues are very respectful and wouldn't do what this man did.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Chocolatiestchocolate · 10/08/2022 23:31

He touched your shoulder not your arse!
Total non event

maddy68 · 10/08/2022 23:37

Really this is a non issue and you are overthinking

ImWell · 10/08/2022 23:43

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/08/2022 17:27

@Looneytune253 - yes, but the thing is, I didn't like it and found it a bit patronising. I don't want him to do this again.

Patronising? I don’t think that that word means what you think that it means.

MaraScottie · 10/08/2022 23:44

hotfroth · 10/08/2022 18:35

It wasn't just a little tap, was it? He placed his hand firmly on your shoulder. I get where you're coming from, even though others don't. It was a physically dominating and possessive gesture used to assert his superiority. He wouldn't have done it if you'd been a bloke, would he?

This. There are different ways to 'tap' a shoulder. This was very much establishing alpha male here for sure. Urgh. I get you OP.

ImWell · 10/08/2022 23:45

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/08/2022 19:22

I was speaking on a loudspeaker for a minute or so, not for hours and I didn't realise my loudspeaker was on and headphones weren't working. I didn't deliberately choose to have my work conversation on loudspeaker to annoy my other colleagues, why on earth would I do that? I'm only in the office two days a week, same as everyone else, and am pleasant and polite to everyone there.

Show quote history

That doesn’t seem very likely.

Notanotherwindow · 11/08/2022 01:56

Oh for the love of God. Its hardly the same as touching you up. If so I've had almost every man in my store...

milkyaqua · 11/08/2022 03:00

I'm on his side!

What a storm in a teacup. As the reason he did it was to get your attention c/- the racket you were making, unaware, with your headphones on, then it is unlikely he will do it again anyway. Unless you make a habit of this sort of thing.

StClare101 · 11/08/2022 03:29

Nope he should not have touched you.

I would have knocked on the desk to get your attention.

Kerrrmieee · 11/08/2022 03:40

I fear for my adult working son.

He could have... Slipped your headphones off from behind, whispered in your ear that you were wearing headphones, on speaker...

Nope tapped on shoulder as in oi - speakers on!

As for the good old days, don't play that card because someone tapped you on the shoulder.

Kerrrmieee · 11/08/2022 03:42

StClare101 · 11/08/2022 03:29

Nope he should not have touched you.

I would have knocked on the desk to get your attention.

How, without knocking in my eyeline - which I would see as very masculine and possibly frightening 🙄

Kerrrmieee · 11/08/2022 03:48

So tell him:

Please don't touch my shoulder again. In future, if I'm on a call with both head phones and speaker on, do knuckle rap the desk in front of me to make me aware.

Oh hang on... More patronising and slightly gorilla.

Get an aeroplane to sky write it through the window I face.

Coyoacan · 11/08/2022 03:53

Anyway, I've learned my lesson ha ha! and won't be posting anything here in the future

Surely it's handy to check whether those unwritten rules you have in your head are commonly shared or not.

It's like my little granddaughter suddenly decided that I shouldn't go into her room without asking her permission, which is fine, it is her room, but she told me off before telling me about the new rule she'd invented.

You've invented a rule about it not being cool for a man to touch you when he wants to attract your attention. Most people don't understand why you have that rule.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/08/2022 03:54

Why couldnt he step in front of you and wave?

If people think thats weird, so what? You dont have to like it OP. & you know why you don't like it, clearly. If he does it again, just tell him to get your attention in a different way.

I hope you feel OK (especially after this thread)

Kerrrmieee · 11/08/2022 03:55

MarshaMelrose · 10/08/2022 19:31

I come from an era

You couldn't have come from an era earlier than mine and I don't see how touching someone's arm or shoulder to get their attention is pervy. I get you've got baggage but it's unfair to bring it to all your dealings.

However, we're on page 3 now, so those couple of people who agreed with you should shortly turn into a torrent of outraged supporters of your situation. So carry on reading because they will hopefully make you feel better.

This.

I've worked in that era too. Pushing 50.

The thing is, after having worked in that 'era' where there was no internet, nevermind Mumsnet - I for became easy with saying - get your hands off me, don't run your finger down my spine, don't slap my arse.

CliantheLang · 11/08/2022 04:18

I fear for my adult working son.

Why? Didn't you teach him to keep his hands to himself?

DeeCeeCherry · 11/08/2022 04:34

I fear for my adult working son

Im friendly with male colleagues but we don't touch each other at all, ever. No reason to, is there?

Even if a woman doesn't want a man to touch her hand, it's her prerogative. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. So maybe teach your son that.

peaceandharmonyinalltheworlddd · 11/08/2022 04:45

Get a grip Jesus Christ.

sashh · 11/08/2022 04:54

OP

That's a common way to attract someone's attention in the Deaf community, as you had headphones on you were effectively deaf.

Just ask him not to do it again, suggest another way of alerting you.

MrPakora · 11/08/2022 04:59

I think you're conflating past issues with a harmless tap because you dislike him.
If you want an echo chamber don't post on MN but presumably that's exactly why you chose to post, to hear opinions. The majority told you you're overthinking it.

mathanxiety · 11/08/2022 05:06

One of the most basic rules they teach kids in school is keep your hands to yourself.

It's a really good rule to live by.

I don't think you're overreacting, @GonnaGetGoingReturns. From your description of his phone behaviour he sounds like someone who is laying claim to turf.

I think you should have a conversation with him. Ask him to send a message next time he thinks he needs to get your attention.

mathanxiety · 11/08/2022 05:08

@MrPakora

The majority have seen the phrase placing a hand, quite firmly on my shoulder and then speaking to me and had a massive comprehension failure.

Your post is a case in point.

onlythreenow · 11/08/2022 05:14

For goodness sake - that is a perfectly normal way to get someone else's attention! I agree with a pp - you need to get several grips!

Pinkspice · 11/08/2022 05:21

EinsteinaGogo · 10/08/2022 20:01

I think you have a point, OP.

As OP said he put his hand firmly on her shoulder, I think its clear that it wasn't a tap. A polite tap on the shoulder to attract attention is tentative and obvious.

OP didn't feel it was this so she's likely right.

He could have walked around to the front of your desk and gestured to you.

He could have waited a minute to see if you noticed the problem yourself.

I would HATE someone to put their full hand on me in this situation.

Why should he touch her when there are many other options?

So do I.

I think you know this guy is a bit of a nob anyway, so it's informed your opinion. No one needs to speak really loudly in the office and I think those, usually men, that do it, do it deliberately as a dominance thing. I've actually had to ask someone in a cafe to please lower their voice as I couldn't hear the conversation of the people on my table because he was conducting a phone call, clearly about work, so loudly from several metres away. Other people looked quite gratefully at me.

The firm hand on your shoulder is unnecessary. It wasn't just a tap and he didn't need to touch you at all. It reminds me of occasions when men have physically moved me out of the way so they could get to where they want to go rather than the much more acceptable saying 'excuse me please'. The woman who gets moved in her wheelchair, I'm so sorry. It's outrageous to do that to someone.

It may not seem the most massive deal in the world but personally I want to stamp it out. It's everyday sexism and it colours how we're treated with much more serious things.

Dontcareforthehaters · 11/08/2022 05:34

OP - YABU

bumblingblockhead · 11/08/2022 05:56

Tapping you on the shoulder firmly? Oh, the indignation!🙄

FFS OP, get a grip. He was trying to get your attention and tapping you on the shoulder is perfectly reasonable considering you were wearing headphones and oblivious to what what going on.

It's people like you who are ruining it for everyone else. You are aware there's a growing number of men who try to avoid working with women for fear of false allegations right?

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