Male colleague touching me on the shoulder, supposedly to get my attention

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

This morning, whilst on a Teams call, I didn't realise that my speakers were on loud until a colleague told me and I was using headphones too.

However, the way he did this, was by coming up to me and placing a hand, quite firmly on my shoulder and then speaking to me. I've always thought this man thinks quite a lot of himself since I first met him a few months ago, he's not unpleasant, but he seems to want to be Mr Popular etc! He was sat in the desk next to me today.

I just found after he'd done it, I felt like it was slightly patronising and I didn't like it, he could've easily spoken to me or even sent me a message I thought.

It's a very male dominated environment I work in but most of my male colleagues are very respectful and wouldn't do what this man did.

What do others think?

He is not responsible for your previous experiences. It really was a non-event and definitely not something to go to your manager or HR about.

Shoulder is an acceptable area. If he’d place his hand on your hip, for example, then that would be wrong.

Thing is OP, with a response like this, all it does is reinforce the point that you're being a bit of an over sensitive drama lama.

You've had a few people agree with you, but yes, the vast majority think you're reading too much into this. The point of posting isn't for a whole forum to stroke your ego and agree that you're right - you asked for opinions. People don't agree - that's just the way it goes sometimes. Doesn't mean there's no point posting again...

You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do. And you know this guy, you are the only one who can tell if there's some power play going on here.

But your speakers were blaring out into the office, you had your headphones on and he took the quickest way to let you know by touching you in a neutral place to get your attention. On the face of it, his actions are entirely reasonable. Who has time to be faffing with messaging when you can just speak to the person next to you?! I don't like my personal space being invaded and I hate being touched but even I would concede that it would seem a reasonable and appropriate way to get someone's attention. But none of this accounts for your existing relationship with the man, or his personality in general. And the thing is, none of us can really help with that because we don't know him and we weren't there.

I think you're partly very sensitive due to past horrible experiences, and it sounds like there are other issues with this man which are contributing to your instinctive response to being touched on the shoulder. You are allowed to feel how you feel. It really doesn't matter if everyone would react differently.

On a practical note I wouldn't say anything now as the moment has passed, but if it happens again it's probably worth approaching the issue as you feel so strongly about it. But check your headphones next time and hopefully he won't come near you again 🙂

Utter nonsense

Omg @hotfroth

If you don't like him touching your shoulder that's fine, you're allowed that opinion. Feedback to him what he could have done differently so he doesn't do it again (although it sounds like a one off requirement to get your attention).

Remember to turn your speakers down and he won't need to, then. Not sure what else he was supposed to do to alert you.

I am deaf, if a colleague is behind me I don’t know they are trying to attract my attention. The way they let me know is by placing a hand on my shoulder. That way I know which way to turn, tapping they could be either direction, waving a hand in front of my face is rude and patronising and intrusive.

When she was on a Teams call? How do you know there was space for him to do that where he would be seen, short of putting his hand between OP and the screen?

How would OP see a message when she had Teams on screen?

He could have walked around to the front of your desk and gestured to you.

What if her desk was facing the wall?

He could have waited a minute to see if you noticed the problem yourself.

Seems pretty clear he had already done that.

If it was a female colleague that put their hand on your shoulder would it of bothered you? I do think if you had headphones on and speakers blaring, he may of thought you would not hear him. He also would not be aware of your previous experiences which I also have had, but I never relate them to other people unless they prove me differently. Agree with other posters, teams chat would of taken longer than walking over. What makes me laugh in my new job people instead of getting out of their chair and seeing people,they teams call when did this become a thing? If I need a discussion with one colleague or external person I just pick up an old fashioned landline phone. I find it less intrusive to others in the workplace as often on teams people end up having to listen to a Norman Collier, can you hear me see, me conversation. Which is #irritating as f... 😂🤣😅🤣😂

The top and bottom of it is you clearly don't like him.

He's done nothing wrong .

That makes complete sense.

A firmish hand on the shoulder from behind would seem the best way of getting someone’s attention when its possible they won’t hear a comment. Personal feelings about the person doing it might skew someone’s reaction I suppose.

You are massively overreacting, but you don't want to accept this because you hate the guy.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Or a water pistol. This will not go well if you make a scene OP. He is not responsible for what happened in your previous jobs. However, as you feel so strongly, if he does it again, find a pleasant way of letting him know, without making him feel like a pervert/condescending male, because I doubt he deserves that.

He shouldn't be touching you at work, I would say it is normal to avoid touching other people. If a colleague touched me other than shaking hands I would find it weird.

But the only non-confrontational way to deal with this IMO is to react at the time, so be prepared for if there is a next time - if it was genuinely because he was trying to be helpful in this specific circumstance it won't happen again and if it happens again, he wasn't genuinely trying to help.

We all know some men are genuinely helpful and some are simply happy to take the opportunity to touch people. The difficulty comes from distinguishing. But you absolutely have the right to say 'I'd prefer if you didn't put your hand on me' if/when it happens. It is not your job to worry about why he is doing it. If he is a dick he will take offence, but that is his problem.

Years ago when I was in my twenties, I worked with a man who would sneak up behind women like me and put his hands over their eyes. He did that until one of them yelled at him. It wasn't pleasant.

So you should have said so at the time, or soon afterwards.

If he does it again, tell him you don't like it.

From your description he's a touchy-feeling guy but it wasn't sexual or necessarily patronising.

Truthfully, if you do say something about someone putting a hand on your shoulder, you may come over as a bit OTT. It was a friendly gesture as you had headphones on.

You are overthinking this totally, if it was a female worker who did this would you be making such a big thing about it. He was only letting you know. Not like he came up behind you and shook your shoulder.

Agree with this. OP doesn't describe it as a tap, but as a shoulder hold. That would really annoy me too. Men should keep their hands to themselves unless invited otherwise.

I don't like men touching me either, unless they are friends or family.

I probably would have said "don't touch me" at the time, though. Or spoken to him after the call and said, "please don't touch me in future."

I'm bemused by how many women on this thread think it's fine for men to touch women as long as it's in an "acceptable area"! Is that what you tell your daughters?

No, she doesn't. She describes it as placing a hand on her shoulder, quite firmly. As pointed out, that's perfectly normal (and indeed, is positively advocated for people with hearing impairments) because a tap doesn't necessarily catch people's attention - you might think it was accidental.

Oh dear, what a society we’ve become when everything said or done causes someone, somewhere to be offended, upset etc 🙄

You sound hyper-sensitive OP. You had headphones on so he tapped your shoulder to get your attention - totally normal. You sound like a nightmare to work with.