DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

Ok everyone else can keep going debating this. Obviously DH where possible should always, and would always use the mens toilets.

If they are desperate he can always take them into the men's.

Two observations. I was in a mall ladies the other day and suddenly heard a man shouting very close to me. I really don’t consider myself sensitive about such things but it made me jump and he sounded aggressive. I felt unsafe for a sec until I came out and realised he was talking to his daughter.
Secondly, my husband will use TERRIBLE loo facilities where I will not, eg public loos petrol stations. I will always wait for a cleaner safer coffee shop or something. So there is a point about men not planning.

Ok everyone else can keep going debating this but my husband is going to use women’s only spaces when he deems it appropriate

the world has gone totally batshit

Completely agree @Silverbirch123. Some of the bonkers stuff on this thread is mind blowing.

No way would DH use the Ladies, rightly so. He takes our daughter to a family/unisex facility, or if necessary the men's straight into a cubicle.

Not ideal, but better that a little girl enter the men's under protection of her own father, than normalising random adult males in female spaces.

Was the man shouting from outside of the toilets entirely? Was he making sure she was ok?

I'd find that more intimidating than a man being in the toilets quietly.

I have a 5 year old and two boys younger too, my husband either goes in the disabled (ideally) or the mens. He would never go in the womens even with our daughter, he'd feel very uncomfortable doing that as would most men I suspect.

My DP has always complained about the state of the mens loos at different places. He has even brought my sons out of some mens toilets as they were totally grim and I've then had to take them to the ladies instead.

It is rediculous but it’s also what many people with disabilities have to do because of the struggles to get to suitable facilities, those facilities are also often in a shocking state.

This is about the size of it.

He should be in the mens.

If he doesn’t like the mens so what a generation of women had to do and fight for better family toilet provision.

Using the womens makes him a selfish prick. HTH

You deserve to be flamed for it. There are seldom more than one or two disabled cubicles, and it is distressing and angering for people with disabilities to find that the reason they have been waiting to try to use one is because some entitled able-bodied person thinks they should have private facilities just for them. If you want to campaign for other types of space then have at it, but don't use ours - it is offensive and rude.

It's completely inappropriate to be buying radar keys and using disabled facilities if you yourself are not disabled or have a medical reason to need the extra facilities. Basically just fobing off the argument about protected rights to disabled people as if they're less entitled to their spaces.

Well I've been abroad and used unisex loos I wondered how women cope under these circumstances when there are no alternatives? We stay home. Or we restrict ourselves to places we know have proper facilities. Or we give ourselves uti’s by holding on until we get home. Or we spend money in cafes and restaurants because we know they have single sex facilities we can use.

The OP didn’t say her DH was concerned about his daughters seeing mens genitals. She said that the reason he does this is because the mens toilets are usually grotty and if they’d had boys, she thinks he might still have used the ladies. That is not a reason given by a concerned father. That’s a reason given by someone who can’t be arsed to find out where the most suitable toilets are, won’t carry antiseptic wipes with him, won’t call through the door of the mens warning the users that he’s bringing two children in with him so doors need to be shut and who can’t be arsed to berate the owners of the toilets about the general hygiene standards.

It is rediculous but it’s also what many people * with disabilities have to do because of the struggles to get to suitable facilities, those facilities are also often in a shocking state.*

So the solution is to force kids without disabilities to do it to, rather than campaign for better facilities for all? Weird.

Should always. No question. Tell him to fuck off out of the women's toilets.

DH won't take our girls into the mens unless absolutely inevitable. He will usually take them into disabled or a baby area if there's a toilet in it.

Men's toilets usually only have one cubicle and it's gross.

If it was just a man in a women's bathroom, I'd be V uncomfortable but if he was there with little girls, I'd be less so.

Baffled by some of the responses here. Yes, having a man in the women's loo isn't ideal, but I'd always prioritise the children here. Grossness aside, in this case if he'd either waited for the cubicle to free up or gone somewhere else he risks his poor daughters having an accident. His choices were very limited, and I think using the women's here was acceptable as long as he announced his presence / knocked before going in.

We were at a pub this weekend. My baby had a dirty nappy. They have a baby change in the accessible loo, but nobody could find the key. The only other changing facility was in the women's loos. If I hadn't been around, what should my husband have done? Changed a pooey nappy on the floor of the pub? Walked the 20 or so minutes home with my kid sat in his own filth and risked nappy rash?

I agree on all the points about better facilities for families so it doesn't always fall to women to deal with children's toileting needs, but those longer term solutions are no help when you have a child that has an immediate need.

He should plan better and absolutely should not be defaulting to using the ladies

I do get that it is a problem, and whilst I do think he should make every effort to use the family toilets or single toilets, a man obviously needing to take his daughter to the bathroom is someone I would tolerate much more than a man on his own.

I take my special needs son to the women’s toilets but am seriously considering what to do when he is a teenager and older. Now he’s just about the age I can get away with, but there is no way I’d chance him in the men’s toilets on his own, or the women’s - he’s way too vulnerable. From the suggestions on this board I might well be tempted to get a radar key. I’m not sure I’d be an official user but he is classed disabled, I just can’t get ‘badges’ etc because there are strict criteria.

Women campaigned for public toilets. Disabled people campaigned for public toilets.

What have middle class able bodied white men done (just taking a punt here) when it comes to public toilet provision? Bugger all.

Spearhead a campaign for family friendly toilets. I'd support it.

Well the answer shouldn’t be to use disabled toilets as so many deem appropriate.

Disabled people campaign long and hard for the facilities they need. Nothing at all stopping parents starting a campaign if they feel it’s needed.

"those facilities are also often in a shocking state."

Made worse from overuse by people who shouldn't be in them. I have to kneel on that floor to change ds.

Your son is disabled. He is perfectly entitled to use the disabled toilets. You don't need a blue badge to access them