DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

Do the baby change facilities have a loo?
If they do then the parents should definitely go in there.
I would go go in there yourself if you need to access a toilet.

It’s not always that simple if you need the handrails to transfer or other adaptations, even just being able to get a wheelchair right next to the toilet matters.

@Inertia exactly! Nobody yet has been able to explain why OP's daughters are more important than anyone else's daughters who may be in the female toilets

Our Lidl opened last year has one loo. It's marked male, female, disabled, baby changing facilities. It's large and spotlessly clean.

My daughter is coming up 6. She now uses a cubicle independently and will go out and wash her hands and wait for me to finish.
My daughter’s right to do this safely, without being confronted with a strange male in there, trumps your husband’s lazy, adult entitlement and I would be more than happy tell him so if we ever happened to cross paths.

I'm a dad to two girls and would never take them into the ladies. Yes sometimes the gents are grim... it's not that hard, you just clean the seat or lift the kid 🤷‍♂️

My DH used to take my DDs in the mens loos, they don't seem scarred by the experience. I'm sure my own dad did too, not that I remember. I don't know what people think men do at urinals; you aren't walking in and seeing a line of cocks - nobody is doing helicopters with their little flaccid nobs, more likely your DDs wouldn't even notice.

If the toilets are dirty, like a pp said, tell him to carry wipes with him. I think most men would rather give the loo a quick Flash wipe than go in the female toilets; if my DH preferred the latter I would think he was a bit weird tbh.

At a time when there is a campaign to have women-only loos maintained and not convert them into unisex loos, your H must be stone deaf @Silverbirch123
And it doesn't say much about your own awareness if you can't make him understand.

This has been headline news recently. Somerset House in London has come in for criticism as all the women's loos are now also available for anyone of any gender.

Women-only safe spaces are being airbrushed out of society is the argument.

The women who were talking about this included two women who'd had potentially embarrassing experiences in loos also used by men.

One was having a miscarriage in the loo and said she had to clean herself up at the basins. Another had an unexpected period and no san pro and asked other women if they could help out.

Women DO NOT WANT MEN IN THEIR TOILETS

I don't want men to hear the rustle of san pro.

I don't want to be faced with a man when I come out the loo if he has heard me changing.

I don't want to worry that a man might be looking under the door or over the door (not all doors are floor to ceiling), or taking photos.

I don't want to wash my hands standing right next to a man ,

I don't want to feel vulnerable in a public loo and worry if the man coming in is a rapist or just wants to use a loo cleaner than the men's.

Maybe show your H these points!

Yup. They are accessible bathrooms with accessible toilets. I can’t use a toilet without grab rails and being able to turn my chair round so I can transfer across.

I am a new wheelchair user and sadly I have often been flabbergasted at peoples lack of understanding.

Me too.

We have two girls and dh would never go into the ladies ever.

Isn't it interesting how women never seem to have this 'conundrum' over whether they should be taking their sons into the men's?

That's because lots of people appear to believe the categories are manly manly men and everyone else.

It's the exact argument for prisons. But they aren't safe for... and then a long list of men, who should therefore be in women's prisons. No. Make mens prisons safer. Don't spread the danger around everywhere!

DH used to take DD swimming and they saw a couple of accidental penises. Now she's 11 and would agree that she wouldn't want any in HER changing room.

I’d would agree, but there has been a fair few threads over the years where women try to justify bringing their 8yo+ sons into the female changing rooms 😥

So true!

Girls don't belong in men's toilets
@Whataworldwelovei but men belong in womens toilets? Why is this man and his two childrens convenience more important than every other woman and childs?

Imagine another 3yo in the loo with their mum who has trauma and has a panic attack because a man decided he should be in there. Or a woman who's religion forbids shared spaces like this? Are they lesser than the father and do we all simply accept the men know better?

I would feel equally uncomfortable if a man came in while I was using the womens toilets. Why are their feelings more important than mine?

I would lose my shit if I came out of a cubical and found a man there. I can't even use toilets where there may be a male cleaner.

I'm fine with men in general but them coming into a toilet and blocking my exit in any way is a major panic attack waiting to happen. Its like my brain is screaming predator and honestly your kids would get hurt if they were between me and the door, I would just trample them trying to get away.

He needs to stay out and take his kids in the men's. Mum's with young sons have to take them in the ladies so he needs to do the same.

I may have been one of those people. But I have a need, and a right, to use an accessible toilet. Yes, I often have my 2 kids in tow and my disability isn't obvious but I do need to be in there.

I would feel equally uncomfortable if a man came in while I was using the womens toilets. Why are their feelings more important than mine?

It's the need of the child that is being considered here.

Precisely.

Isn't it interesting how women never seem to have this 'conundrum' over whether they should be taking their sons into the men's?

They take little boys in with them to the women's loos up to age 8 and after that they send them into the men's, usually after taking a quick look to check nothing untoward is going on in there. At least they do where I live.

It is what every single father does, I've literally never seen a man do this but plenty take their daughters into the mens.
This man is using his daughters to get into the women's toilets, suggesting he is exactly the sort of man you don't want in women's toilets. The reality is, you can never know for certain a man's intent. However what we do know for certain is a decent man would never do this.

I don't want men to hear the rustle of san pro.

I don't want to be faced with a man when I come out the loo if he has heard me changing.

Do you mind my asking why?

Do you mind my asking why you're challenging women's boundaries?