DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

Wait for a cubicle. You mean the two little girls must wait next to naked penis's at the urinal. Great how little girls get forgotten about in all of this. Shove some penis's in their face. It will be fine. Meanwhile adult females can't handle a man with two small girls in their space

Girls don't belong in men's toilets

Oh well that's fine then, invite him in.
Tell you what, while we're at it invite all the other men in. They don't need to see that either do they?

While we're at it let's make the disabled toilets a free for all too shall we?

Well an adult man should be able to hold their bladder a child not so much. So no, my DH would never personally use a female toilet but if my daughter needed the bathroom then he may do.

I don’t agree with some PP that the disabled toilet is the way to go. Those toilets are generally few and they are there for a reason and for those who truly need them.

There is no good answer to this which will keep everyone happy, beyond a huge expansion in the provision of family rooms which are usually only found in more recent large-scale developments, and that's not a solution which will present itself in the immediate moment.

If you use the accessible toilet, some people will argue it is not appropriate as your DH and children are apparently able-bodied, and that provision for those with disabilities is already poor.

If you use the men's toilet, some people will argue that it's not appropriate for young girls to be there and that subjecting them to the sight of a penis is wrong (a common argument on MN against gender-neutral toilets is that women don't want their children walking past rows of penii at urinals).

If you use the women's toilet, some people will argue that your DH should not be in there because it is a single sex space.

Like I said, there is no good answer which will keep everyone happy. Until they are old enough to use the toilets unaccompanied I would focus on trying to avoid using the bathrooms when out and about, or using bathrooms in smaller establishments which are likely to be only a single self-contained room for all customers.

Well no, no one does need to see that. But it’s clearly different for other men to see that to young girls. I don’t think any toilet should be a free for all, but I do think someone who is caring for someone else - be it a small child or a disabled person - should be able to enter the relevant toilet to help that person go.

No, he should not use the ladies. He needs to plan ahead. My DH has never needed to take my DD into the ladies, he uses the Mens or Accessible toilets and he doesn’t frequent places with grotty toilets!
DD will happily do a wild wee if required and 99% of the time he has a potty in the car too. DD has been using toilets for a long time but we still have occasional need for a potty.

He’s being really insensitive.

Why is the dad in the scenario lifting his child over the side of the urinal and putting her face in a mans crotch? How odd that when dads take boys to the toilet they somehow avoid doing that.

She said there was a man who hadn't locked the door properly so the DH accidentally opened it. It was a mistake, these things happen in the ladies too!

I'm not clear what posters who say a young girl should not have to be in the men's proposes if the father needs the toilet? Are they happy with him using the ladies then as well? If not, what is the difference.

I also find the whole thing bemusing as a parent of older children. This is just one of those things you need to work out as a parent. If toilets are going to be a problem, you choose to go somewhere else.

Mine too!

A student of mine was SA by a male in female public toilets, no matter what his reason is to be in there she would really struggle to deal with that, why are that 14 year olds feelings less valid than those of your husband/twins. They will feel safer in the mens with their Dad than she would alone in the womens with a strange man, regardless of who he was with

@Simonjt last time I looked, penis position was pretty much bang on toddle head height. Not sure what the 'side' of urinal is either. They are just things stuck on the wall last time I saw. Penis's were very much visible especially to someone whose face is directly in line with penis height

A 2 year old girl is not a woman, she is a child. Children do not have the same need of privacy that adults do. They are also not a threat to adults' privacy. That is why no one makes a fuss about small boys in women's changing-rooms. Honestly, the next thing people are going to be saying is that female babies shouldn't be in the men's toilets or changing-rooms because it infringes their privacy!

And really parents, including male parents, need to show a modicum of common sense around this issue. Take your DD in quickly, cover eyes if necessary and encourage them not to stare at others. And at the age when they start to become uncomfortable (and make people around them uncomfortable) they will probably be old enough to use the women's by themselves.

Men should never be in ladies loos. Doesnt matter that some women don't mind. Others do. It's disrespectful of him to do this.

Good Lord, now the suggestion is that toddlers should be regularly exposed to strangers genitals lest they grow up with an unhealthy view of sexuality

I agree - the very idea of 2 little girls having to use the men's toilet..... no way!

As a mum of daughters I WANT them to go on high alert if they see a man in a female-only space as sadly that is the society we live in. Every time a 'decent' guy enters the female toilets they normalise males being in female spaces and make it even harder for women & girls to listen to their instincts and keep themselves safe.

Urinals have sides, to see a penis you have to look over the top. So I’m confused as to how dads don’t dangle their sons over the sides, yet they feel compelled to with their daughters.

I truly disagree that children have less entitlement to privacy or dignity than adults. That is a very worrying principle.

I truly disagree that children have less entitlement to privacy or dignity than adults. That is a very worrying principle

Yup.

Men shouldn’t be in women’s toilets ^
Find places which are cleaner and use them. Or go into child friendly places which are more likely to have a family room.

I would advise him to use the disabled cubicle at M&S (special key not needed). You may find separate unisex cubicles in places like libraries and museums.

Yes that's the point I was trying to make. It SHOULD signal danger for us to see a male in female spaces and we don't want that instinct to become overridden.

Really? You can't understand this? How obtuse.

Why do you think that small children are often happy to run around naked in the garden, whereas older children and adults aren't?

Why do we consider it acceptable for younger age primary children to change for PE in their classrooms in mixed sex groups, rather than needing to be segregated?

Why do nursery carers of both sexes change and deal with toileting for young children of both sexes?

I find it unbelievable that anyone would think a 2 year old of either sex has the same need of privacy as an adult of that sex.

And they can use the normal facilities if there is no queue.

Sorry I quoted you because I agree with you, your explanation was exactly what I was thinking ^