What’s fair? Maternity leave and contribution towards joint bills.

[Otro77]

I know this has been asked before but wanting to ask specifically about my situation as told partner I would be posting for opinions…

Bit of background: Not married. Joint mortgage. Baby planned and finances discussed prior to Mat leave.

Partner earns slightly but not significantly
more than me and also gets some additional benefits such as bonus. He has double my savings.

I’m on NHS Mat pay so 8 weeks full pay, 16 weeks half, a few months on very little and the last 3 months zero pay. My savings will be wiped out by mat leave. I will probably also accrue a bit of debt considering the cost of living is increasing.

I do all the night wakings (which is currently a lot!) and provide the majority of care. He’s great with baby but thinks as he goes to work he shouldn’t do any night wakings…

Bills:

We always contributed 50:50 up until 5 months ago when partner started putting an extra £50 in to the joint account to create a bit of a cushion. I have been putting every spare penny (much more than £50 pm) in to a separate savings account since I got pregnant to use during mat leave to cover my bills.

Partner originally said he’d put £100 more than me towards joint bills for the first 9 months and when I got to zero pay would put in 3/4 joint bills (this would be for 3 months max). However with bill increases our monthly joint bills have increased past the extra he was going to put in so after a discussion he has offered to put in £850 per month (£100 more again) for 9 months whilst I put in £650. I should add he charges his car at home so £60 of his extra £200 goes towards that meaning in total he’s contributing £140 more.

I have asked for 50% of everything baby needs which he eventually gives however he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to
contribute to things like this.

He thinks this is fair, is it?

Just add up all bills and baby expenses (if you need a breast pump that's an expense). Work out what percentage of your total net household income you take home, then apply the percentage to the bills.

As a loose example, I take home 65% and my DH 35%, so we apply that percentage to our joint expenses. Any money outside of that is ours to use as we please.

Just make all finances joint with equal spending money or charge him an hourly rate for the bearing of and caring for a baby/child.

Honest opinions welcome but please don’t pile on! Babies still newborn and I’m quite sleep deprived and genuinely wanting to know what others think is fair.

'he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to
contribute to things like this.

He thinks this is fair, is it?'

No. What a wally. Hope you choose some appropriately expensive (a la Carrie Johnson) nursery wallpaper to redress the balance. You are nesting, he has to accept that. The child is 100% his responsibility too.

he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to contribute to things like this.
What a git. Hand him the baby at 3am, without any milk expressed, and see how he resolves the issue.

Lots of baby activities aren’t “necessary” but they are good for socialising and keeping you from losing your mind on maternity. Of course he should contribute. Whether you can get him to is another matter… I’d just pay for everything you need – breast pumps, pads, activities, cake with the NCT crowd – from the joint account tbh. Why should your finances and savings be decimated by taking a year out of work, simultaneously fucking your pension and earning power, and his not?

As PP said proportion of your income, so as your income reduces so does the amount that you need to put into the joint account. Baby activities probably need a bit of a discussion if you want him to pay for baby classes etc.

If finances are that tight you may also need to discuss returning to work earlier than 12 months, not many people I know can afford the drop in salary to 0 for those final 3 months

When you are not earning part of your 50%, he should compensate for that. You may need to cut back jointly in some areas but not on things the baby/new mother needs.

All money earned goes into a joint account. All bills - including every single expense associated with the baby - is paid out of that account.
Then decide how to share the remaining money.
You are parents now. I can’t believe you are squabbling over money and who gives who what.

Tell him you will be going back to work early and he will be paying 50% of the childcare bill soon. He’s taking the piss

This isn't a partnership is it op? I couldn't live like this. Of course he's not being fair

Why will your savings be wiped out by mat leave? You both have less money because you're not earning because you're looking after your planned baby. It's a shared cost. Neither of you should be dipping into your savings unless necessary. And then money should come out of both your savings, not just yours.

While I'm trying to be gentle, a man who is asking you to sub your joint planned for child and begrudge every single penny you spend outside of what he deems are essential costs is a stingy arsehole.

This. So you’re looking at going into debt while he has savings? That’s not only not fair, it’s also completely stupid from a financial point of view. You are partners, he needs to start acting like one.

Baby costs are anything you wouldn't need if you didn't have the baby. That includes things like activities (although maybe not the fancy swimming when a public pool would do the same job).

Oh and it also includes splitting the cost of you not working. If you take a £500 hit per month, that's split too.

Thanks everyone, so far pretty much what I thought… We aren’t massively high earners and don’t live in an expensive area or have a massive mortgage so really 12 months mat leave should be doable and within our joint means.

Hmmm. All baby costs are joint, and when you don’t earn, you don’t contribute! How can anything else be fair!!
And get it straight right now that childcare costs will also be proportional to income, so if he earns more than you, he puts in more too. They absolutely are NOT your cost.

We just pooled everything in joint account, bills came out and that also paid for all baby stuff, baby classes, lunches out with antenatal group, etc. DH would never have begrudged any of it; he actively encouraged me to go out to things.

I think when you start breaking it down into who pays £50 more, or who pays X and Y, it's a bit absurd when you have brought a child into the world together.

Sorry OP I don’t want to pile in but your partner needs to think that he could not work without you providing 24 hour care for his child (and probably doing a lot of things for him too like cleaning and cooking). Any money should be pooled for bills and child related costs and the remainder shared out equally for a monthly allowance for each of you. By going on maternity leave you are taking a hit to your career and this will only continue until your child is an adult as you need to take leave for sickness or in the school holidays. Your partner has tAken no such hit. Your partner needs to compensate for your loss by adequately providing for you and his child.

in our house everything goes into joint account, savings are considered joint assets and we both take what we need and discuss big purchases.
I did do all the night waking while on maternity leave, and a majority when I went back because he was driving and I wasn’t.

i think if you are going to keep separate money fair would be equal spending/savings money after bills are paid.

Congratulations on your baby.

This is a really unfair setup. Your main contribution over the next 6-12 months is caring for your child and recovery from childbirth. If you really are a partnership, you shouldn’t have to do all the work and spend all your savings while Daddy gets to keep his lifestyle.

During maternity leave, he should be paying for everything. You can save your paltry maternity pay so you get nearer to a similar savings pot to your partner.

When you go back to work, you should split all costs in proportion to your earnings - including bonus.

In the medium term, consider getting married so that assets are shared.

I’m a bit concerned that he wants to control what you can and can’t spend on baby. I hope he’s just having a silly new dad moment, because that’s getting into the territory of financial abuse. Call him out on this. Don’t compromise. If he backs down, great. And if not, you have a bigger conversation to have. Good luck.

Blimey.

You should have equal spending money after all household and child related expenditure is covered.

He's taking the piss, your career has taken a massive hit and somehow your contribution is considered financially worthless and you have to go into debt to cover joint costs?

So you spend all your savings and go into debt in order to finance being able to care for your joint baby whilst he gets to hang on to his savings?

To be honest I find men like your partner pretty disgusting.

A fair split would be as follows:-

Work out how much your wages will reduce (post tax etc) as a result of maternity leave. He should pay half of that extra into the joint account.

This is my big objection to couples that don’t have a joint account. It is nearly always the woman that loses out as they are the ones (literally) left holding the baby.

Why are you using all of your savings for maternity? What happens if you can't afford your portion of the bills or baby activities? Would he see you go into debt, would you 'owe' him the money back?

In our house, everything goes in to a joint account which everything comes out of, savings are joint, and then we each take a small amount of spending money each.
I wouldn't have children with someone with another way and was very clear about this before we got married. It doesn't matter who earns what, as long as one of you isn't taking the piss. You are meant to be a team. What's going to happen when baby isn't a baby and wants to go to tennis lessons or learn to play the ukelele or go shopping with friends? Does he still get to decide these aren't important enough for his money to get spent on?

He's a financially abusive shit. Sorry OP. Tell him that your financial protection you need to get married asap. If he won't agree that tells you all you need to know and you'll need to get back to work FT asap - don't downsize your career without a ring on your finger.