What’s fair? Maternity leave and contribution towards joint bills.

[Otro77]

I know this has been asked before but wanting to ask specifically about my situation as told partner I would be posting for opinions…

Bit of background: Not married. Joint mortgage. Baby planned and finances discussed prior to Mat leave.

Partner earns slightly but not significantly
more than me and also gets some additional benefits such as bonus. He has double my savings.

I’m on NHS Mat pay so 8 weeks full pay, 16 weeks half, a few months on very little and the last 3 months zero pay. My savings will be wiped out by mat leave. I will probably also accrue a bit of debt considering the cost of living is increasing.

I do all the night wakings (which is currently a lot!) and provide the majority of care. He’s great with baby but thinks as he goes to work he shouldn’t do any night wakings…

Bills:

We always contributed 50:50 up until 5 months ago when partner started putting an extra £50 in to the joint account to create a bit of a cushion. I have been putting every spare penny (much more than £50 pm) in to a separate savings account since I got pregnant to use during mat leave to cover my bills.

Partner originally said he’d put £100 more than me towards joint bills for the first 9 months and when I got to zero pay would put in 3/4 joint bills (this would be for 3 months max). However with bill increases our monthly joint bills have increased past the extra he was going to put in so after a discussion he has offered to put in £850 per month (£100 more again) for 9 months whilst I put in £650. I should add he charges his car at home so £60 of his extra £200 goes towards that meaning in total he’s contributing £140 more.

I have asked for 50% of everything baby needs which he eventually gives however he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to
contribute to things like this.

He thinks this is fair, is it?

He should be making up for any money lost due to you being on maternity leave looking after his child. I can't bear all this split finances and counting every penny, I couldn't live like it

In our house it all goes on one pot so everything is just paid out of the joint money no his or hers money.

with ds1 (previous relationship) I went back to work at 5 months when my 6 months full pay Mat pay ran out (I went on Mat leave at 38 weeks and baby was 2 weeks late!) because we couldn’t afford me to stay off any longer. Although 12 full months should be doable with yeh cost of living crisis I think it will be much harder than it was previously to manage that much time off. Which is such a shame

I think anything that is leading to you using your savings or going in to debt is financial abuse. I have a friend who has just left her 'partner' who use to insist on expensive houses and cars, insist she pay half and then add the bonus that if she wanted to go to work to pay her half, she needed to pay childcare so she could wotk. It makes me really cross that women put up with this.

When DH and I were each on parental leave, we each paid proportionate to what we were taking home each month. So when we were both earning as normal as I was on 100% pay, we both paid the usual (me paying slightly more as I earned more.) When my pay dropped, I paid less; when he was on statutory pay I paid most of it, when he dropped to nothing I paid all the bills and made sure he had spending money.

It's a dick move to make your partner take a financial hit without taking one yourself when it comes to the costs of having a baby.

Oh christ, another one who had a baby with someone who doesn’t see them as a partner but still wanted the benefit of their womb

anything that doesn’t result in equal spends for you both is financial abuse

anything that requires you draining your savings is financial abuse

anything that has you counting the pennies whilst his life hasn’t changed is financial abuse

any boyfriend who thinks it’s okay to treat you like this, doesn’t like you very much

He seems to think this is fair yes… I promise I have pulled him up on it, but I also have always been financially independent so expecting money from somebody is very new and in my own head it feels like a debt but equally I know looking after our baby is equally worthy.

Told him I’ve posted and I’d like him to read the responses but think this may be tomorrow when I’m less sleep deprived. If not I’ll be handing him baby at 3am…

This.

are you building a life and a family together or what?

I know you have a newborn and I know how tough that is and how vulnerable you feel, but nothing about this is ok

men are emotional, financial and biological vampires. They will take and take and take. But women are worried about being seen as ‘gold diggers’ and ‘taking the piss’ so live like paupers and stretch themselves in the name of 50/50

having a baby with a man and sharing a life with a bloke is never 50/50 though. And so many of them don’t give a shit about them conducting themselves fairly and equally

PS if he doesn't change then make sure you hand him an itemised bill for his half of childcare. Nannies run at aroung £15/hour gross......

All our money just went into the joint account and all bills were paid out of that. I don't understand why you would need to be using your savings when your partner is earning and isn't using savings. You have a joint baby, you need finances to be joint and equal too.

Not fair at all. I just read this out to my husband and he was shocked and disgusted that your partner thinks this is ok.

Sis he should be paying for everything while you’re on Mat leave, including matching any savings he puts in his pot with an equal one for you.

His duty as a father is to support his partner and child. He needs to step up financially and on the baby care. Some things might look fluffy to him but I'd like to see him manage a year on maternity without a single swimming lesson, playgroup or mums coffee....and without a breast pump.

He doesn't appreciate the true financial cost of being a woman having a baby which is - a hit to your pension, savings and career prospects. If you count those costs is he really contributing 50:50?

If you are earning similar a good solution might be shared parental leave. Whatever deal you come to now while you are off with the baby he will have to do while he is off with the baby. He can take over the night wakings too!

If he is quibbling over the cost of a breast pump he has no idea of the costs of child raising and is going to get a massive shock. This goes on for 18 years and actually longer if they go to uni. 6k contribution from parents approx each year for 3 years. Tell him to get saving now.
He’ll look back at the breast pump and baby song time session days as a bargain!

OP's partner (if you read this thread) MARRY THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD!

His response quite often is ‘i’ll
have half the Mat leave then’ but equally has said for his career progression that’s not really feasible and he feels it’d put him too far behind when promotions come up. Plus he had 4 weeks off and after the first 7 - 10 days (I had a c section and physically needed help) couldn’t cope with being woken up and hasn’t got up to see to baby in the night since I physically could do it without help.

Also I don’t want to leave baby after 6 months!

Honestly this in spades☝️☝️☝️

Don't make the same mistake I did and continue with separate accounts and a complicated system of halving the bills or paying a % of your income. This worked fine for us when we were both on similar salaries and working FT but it becomes unworkable if you're on mat leave or working PT. I ended up not working during lockdown and had to ask my partner for money even to put petrol in the car. It felt pretty humiliating even though I don't think he had ever intended me to be reliant on him. It was an unexpectedly consequence of separate finances.
Not a healthy balance in a relationship but It taught me a lesson and I've insisted on a joint account which our incomes and bills go in/out of. We also pay ourselves an allowance into our personal accounts to spend as we wish (this is the same despite DH being the higher earner).
I think you both need to consider yourselves a unit and organise your money accordingly not as his/hers

No, clearly it is not fair.

you are in a partnership so everything has to be split equally. work out what your living Xs are, and split them according to your income, so if you earn the same, and you are on full pay for 3 months, you put in the same, when you are down to 50% then he puts in 2 thirds and toby one third, and if you have nothing coming in at the end, then he pays everything.

The above assumes you earn the same, if he as a bonus then you adjust so he pays more from the beginning.

He doesn’t get to decide if you need a breast pump or not, you are running the baby side of things, so you decide what you need there, same as he decides if he needs a new shirt for work.

Also, you need to be having equal time off, so he should be covering Fri night and giving you a lie in one weekend day. Being ‘great’ with the baby is not parenting, it’s the sort of thing you say about one of your friends - it is he job to look after the baby jointly with you.

As a PP said, he is financially and emotionally manipulative. If you can’t get him to agree to marry you and probably split finances, I would really consider your future.

If you do stay with him for now you are going to seriously have to put a rocket under him to get him doing an equal share when you go back.

I agree. Before baby we did put in equal and pretty much have equal spends as we earnt the same. He does now earn a bit more but this is relatively new. I will broach putting wages directly in to the joint account and taking out an equal amount of spends after bills and money for things for baby…

I really don’t want to get to a point like you say where I’m feeling guilty asking for money for something like petrol as its not healthy.

Contributions should be based purely on earnings during your mat leave. If savings need to be used to cover costs then this should be equal Ie 50-50 from each of you.

The baby is a joint responsibility and was a joint decision. Alternatively he can take paternal leave after 6 months and use his savings in the way he is expecting you too. Is he willing to do that??

Does he think you’re on holiday? My dh was quite upset as he thought that I’d wangled a year off work to chill out. Then thankfully I was able to go back for a few weeks and he was the sahp for a bit. He’s been quite the feminist since then.

Sorry last reply was to @MissAtomicBomb1

Reject your partners kind offer to do half the maternity leave op. Instead ask him if he’d like to take responsibility when you go back to work so that he can pick up and drop off from nursery, make all the meals, do all the child related housework and take time off every time they are ill.